“I know. That’s why I came to look for you. Now let me walk you to your work. You wouldn’t want to give them a reason to fire you, right?”
***
Three weeks later, Hilde and Q were officially going together and were seeing each other almost every other day. As promised, they drove out of Berlin to visit his brother Gunther and his family in a small village by the Baltic.
“Tell me about your brother’s family,” she said as she watched him drive and thought how lucky she was to have a man like him in her life.
“Gunther has been married to a wonderful woman named Katrin for twenty years, and they have four children. The youngest is nine years old.”
“Twenty years? How old is he?”
Q chuckled before he answered. “He’s ancient. Fifteen years older than me.”
“That explains a lot. What does he do?” she asked while looking out the window. They had left the city of Berlin behind and drove now through the countryside. Fewer and fewer buildings lined the street and even those gave way to vast open areas with wheat and potato fields.
“He’s a lawyer.”
“Oh,” Hilde murmured.
“Yes, oh. So, how was your work?”
“Boring.”
“And your mother?”
Hilde made a face at him. “You know perfectly well that I don’t want to discuss my mother.”
Q chuckled. “Yes, I know.”
“I’m thinking about moving out. She probably wouldn’t even notice.”
He glanced at her for a moment and reached over to take her hand. “If I can help you with anything, let me know. Just don’t get into too big a hurry.”
“I won’t. How do you do it?” she asked.
“Do what?”
“Whenever I’m with you, I feel so safe and…loved. Being with you is comfortable and never awkward.”
“Never?” he asked with a mischievous grin that told her he was thinking back to their first couple of dates when she hadn’t done much more than blush and mumble.
“Well, maybe the first couple of times we went out, but not now. You accept me just as I am, and you let me speak my mind.”
“That’s because it’s such a beautiful mind.” He lifted their joined hands and kissed the back of hers.
Hilde settled back into the seat, enjoying the ride in the small black Ford. “Q, this trip was a good idea.”
“I’m an inventor. Having good ideas is my job.”
She giggled. “I’ll try to remember next time.”
After driving a while in silence, she asked him, “Why doesn’t your brother live in Berlin? Wouldn’t there be more work for a lawyer?”
“That’s a long story.”
“I’m all ears.”
He squeezed her fingers and seemed to think about his words. “Gunther worked as head of the department in the education ministry in Berlin, where he was responsible for the legal affairs of all German State Universities – until the Nazis suspended him almost one year ago.”
She glanced over at Q’s seemingly calm face. “But why? Did he do anything wrong?”
Q coughed out a bitter laugh. “The only wrong he did was to be a registered member of the Social Democratic Party. They suspended him because he wouldn’t cancel his party membership and join the Nazi Party, NSDAP. He was suspended, and a short time later, they forced him to retire with a minimal pension at the age of forty-six.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Yes, I am too. Without a job and four kids to provide for he had to move out here because the costs of living in Berlin were just too high.”
“Couldn’t he get a new job?” she asked.
“He never took the final exams required to work as a lawyer at court. As far as I know, he’s done that now and is waiting for approval from some ministry to be admitted as a lawyer.”
Hilde clenched her fists and wanted to punch someone. How could Q stay so calm witnessing this kind of injustice? She shouted out, “The Nazis have ruined so many things for so many people. I hate them!”
Q reached over and squeezed her hand. “Hilde, you mustn’t ever say those things in public. It’s not safe.”
“The last time I checked, we still had freedom of speech,” she said through gritted teeth.
Without Hilde noticing, Q had stopped the car at the curb and turned towards her. “Hildelein, it’s not safe. One wrong word might get you into trouble nowadays. You never know whom you can trust.”
The concern on his face was so intense, her heart squeezed. He must know a lot more about the current situation than I do. She sighed. “I wish everyone would shout out their hate at the top of their lungs. As loud as they can.”
“I wish that too sometimes, but the time isn’t right. The Nazis have eyes and ears everywhere. It’s better to blend in and not fall under any suspicion than to have them openly watching you.”
“I hate them,” she repeated like a stubborn little girl. “How can I pretend to like them? Since I was small, I’ve started discussions and fights about things I thought wrong.”
“You’ll have to change. You’re an adult now. You can do that.”
“I guess I can.” She sighed, deep and loud.
Q squeezed her hand a bit harder. “I don’t want anything bad happening to you,” he said, his voice hard and demanding, his eyes piercing into hers. “Promise me!”
His genuine concern for her safety warmed her heart. If this was how it felt to be loved, then maybe she should reconsider her vow not to love anymore? She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. “I promise. I’ll keep all of my hate speech about the Nazis for your ears alone.”
Q tapped her nose. “Thank you. I look forward to hearing it.”
He started the engine again and headed towards their destination. As they entered the small town where Gunther lived, Hilde had the strange feeling something was missing. But what? It took her a few moments to realize that this cute little town looked like it must have in the old days. No sign of the Nazi reign. No uniformed SA or SS patrolled the streets, and no Nazi flags hung from prominent buildings, probably for the lack of ostentatious buildings.
They passed a few people, and her mouth hung open when Q waved a greeting, and the people waved back.
“Close your mouth, Hilde. You’ll catch flies.”
She snapped it closed, then opened it again to say, “They waved at you and smiled.”
“Yes. Feels good, doesn’t it?”
“This is so different than Berlin. It seems like a different planet. Nice and quiet.”
“It is.” He parked the car in front of a modest two-story red-brick family home. “We’ve arrived.”
Chapter 20
Gunther opened the door and rushed out, hugging Q and giving Hilde a handshake. “Welcome in my modest exile.”
Q clapped him on the back. “Good to see you. Where’s Katrin?”
“She left yesterday evening with the little ones to visit her parents. Her mother is very sick.”
“Maybe next time,” Q suggested and followed his brother inside the house. He recognized the furniture in the hall and living room from his brother’s former flat in Berlin. They showed the wear of four children having mistreated them, and for a moment, the image of Hilde’s and his children climbing over the sofa and chasing each other around the coffee table flashed through his mind. He grabbed her hand and couldn’t hide his huge smile.
Gunther asked them to wait in the living room while he prepared coffee and served the cake Katrin had baked for their guests. When they’d settled around the table and sipped their coffee, Hilde complimented Gunther on the beautiful garden and the cute little house.
“It’s nice, yes, but we might move back to Berlin soon.”
“How’s that?” Q asked.
“I took the exam I’d missed and received approval by the court of first instance to start working as a lawyer.”
“They approved you? Just like that?” Q asked. “When the Nazis dismissed you
from your role in the education ministry, I feared they wouldn’t approve you as a common lawyer either.”
Gunther gave his brother a tight smile with a side-glance at Hilde. “Even the current government sees the need for competent lawyers.”
“Yes,” Q agreed. “But wouldn’t you be working for Nazis? I know you hate them and what they stand for.”
“I may not agree with everything our current government does, but as an attorney, my sole guidance is the law, which is the same for everyone.” He eyed Hilde with a suspicious look that clearly conveyed that Q was speaking too much.
Laughing, Q nodded in her direction. “Don’t worry, brother. She’s trustworthy.”
“How can you be so sure?” Gunther asked.
“I know her.”
“You just can’t be too sure these days. I don’t know whom to trust right now.”
Gunther glared at them, and Q felt the need to defend Hilde. He could understand where his brother was coming from, but it had to stop where his girlfriend was concerned. “Well, you trust me, and I trust Hilde. That must be enough.”
“But what do you really know about her? Or her parents for that matter? Isn’t her step-father the celebrated opera singer Robert Klein?”
“Yes, he is. I haven’t met him though.”
Gunther snorted rudely. “For heaven’s sake! He’s still on the stage performing.”
“So what?”
“Q, you know as well as I do that every artist who has in any form criticized the regime has been punished with stage ban. If he’s still performing, he must be a supporter of the Nazis.”
“Maybe. Or maybe he’s just part of the silent masses. Keeping his mouth shut to hold on to his job? And what does that have to do with Hilde?”
“Like father, like son.”
“Gunther, you’re being unfair. He’s her step-father.”
“She lives with them, doesn’t she? You can’t trust her. What if she says the wrong thing and they turn her in? Or you? Or me?”
Q was getting annoyed at his brother. Gunther could be so bullheaded. He wanted to give a sharp response when Hilde raised her voice. “Excuse me, but I’m sitting right here. There is no need to talk about me as if I weren’t.”
She glared at Gunther. “You don’t have to trust me, but believe me when I tell you I hate the Nazis and everything they stand for.”
“Why? What did they do to you? What do your parents believe?” Gunther fired off one question after another without giving Hilde time to answer. “What is your political conviction? Are you an NSDAP member? Are your parents? What are their loyalties?”
Hilde shook her head and finally interrupted him. “I’m not a member of any party, and I don’t know whether my mother or Robert is. Politics was never a topic of discussion at either my father’s or my mother’s house.”
“And yet you want me to believe you hate the Nazis and wouldn’t go off denouncing anyone at the first chance you get?” he said with a derisive grin.
“I do.”
“If politics were never discussed at your home, how do you know anything about it? What have the Nazis done to you that justifies your hatred?”
“Nothing. But I could ask you the same questions.”
Gunther gave a harsh laugh. “They fired me, and that’s enough for me.”
Hilde jumped up, and Q put a calming hand on her leg, urging her to sit down again. “Why don’t we just agree that none of us here like the Nazis and talk about something else? The weather? Or the peaceful town?”
Gunther and Hilde stared at each other like two boxers in the ring, but then Hilde relaxed and said, “Truce?”
“Truce,” Gunther agreed, the smile not quite reaching his eyes.
Their visit didn’t last much longer, and they soon sat in Q’s Ford returning home. Hilde had become quiet after arguing with his brother, and he was worried about her. “I’m sorry. He’s not usually like that.”
Hilde didn’t hold back. “I don’t like him at all. He’s unfair and self-righteous. He honestly thinks he’s the only one entitled to hate the Nazis.”
“Yes, he does, but keep in mind he is a good man. I know he doesn’t come across as very friendly, but he’s changed during the last year. Losing his prestigious job and having to move his family away from Berlin has left so much bitterness and hurt in his soul. But he’ll come around. You two will get along better the more you get to know him.”
“Do you have any more brothers or sisters?” she asked after a while.
Instead of answering her right away, he fixated his eyes on the street and grew very quiet. Even though she had to see how his knuckles turned white grabbing the steering wheel, she didn’t pressure him, just waited patiently for him to speak. That’s why I love her so much. His voice was shaky when he finally answered her question.
“I’m the youngest of four brothers. You just met Gunther, the oldest. He’s fifteen years my senior. Then came Knut and Albert, thirteen and eleven years older than me.”
“You were the baby of the family,” she said with a teasing tone. “The nestling. Not like me; I’m the oldest sibling.”
He kept quiet, hoping she’d let go of the topic, but no such luck.
“When will I get to meet your other brothers?”
Q debated not answering her. Talking about his family always dredged up bad memories.
“Q?” she asked, concern evident in her voice, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
He glanced at her, and his heart softened at the view of her sweet face. It wasn’t right to keep this part of his story from her. She was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and she had a right to know. He shook his head. “No. They are dead.”
She blew out a breath and reached for his hand. “I’m sorry. What happened?”
He gripped the steering wheel even harder. “Albert was a very intelligent young man. A mathematician. Some called him brilliant. During the last war, he joined up, even though his profession was exempt. He wanted to do his duty, serve his country. You know, all this stupid talk about national honor? Well, he became a pilot and went down over France.”
“How awful.” She slapped a hand over her mouth and for a tiny moment, she thought about her father and how grateful she was that he had made it back alive from the frontlines of the Great War.
“Yes. It was. He was shot down. Other planes in the area didn’t see him get out. According to their eye-witness reports, his plane nose-dived into the ground and exploded. He must have died instantly.”
“I’m very sorry.”
“Life wasn’t the same after we got the notice. Albert had just turned twenty-three and had a beautiful girlfriend waiting for him at home. It was a horrible waste of a young and promising life. I was ten back then, and he’d been my hero since I can remember.” Q paused for a moment and then murmured, “This is why I hate war so much. It takes so many lives – causes so much grief. We humans should be wiser than to start another war.”
Hilde left him alone with his thoughts for a while before she asked in a soft voice, “And your other brother? Knut?”
Q sighed. “We don’t know. He disappeared in Norway.”
“Disappeared? I don’t understand.”
He gave her a rueful smile. “Neither does my mother. Knut was an adventurer. He was always on the move, traveling somewhere. Exploring, he called it. He never contented himself taking the beaten path. No, he always had to go where nobody else had been before. Since he left for his trip to Norway five years ago, we haven’t heard from him again.”
“Oh, the not knowing…” she trailed off.
He nodded. “My mother, Ingrid, still holds out hope that one day he will show up on her doorstep with a bag full of stories to tell. But Gunther and I are almost certain he’s dead.”
He could see Hilde was fighting tears when she talked again. “That must be horrible for your mother. I mean, losing a child is probably the worst thing that can happen to y
ou. But the insecurity, not knowing for certain your son is indeed dead and not knowing if he needs your help…that is even worse.”
Q nodded. “1929 was a very hard year for my family. Knut went missing, and a few weeks later, my father died unexpectedly from the aftermath of pneumonia. He was showing signs of recovery when, overnight, an embolism in his lung finished him off.”
“Your poor mother,” Hilde murmured. “Does she live in Berlin?”
“Yes.” Q was quiet for a while and then added. “Now, maybe you can understand why Gunther was so harsh about talking in front of you. Neither my brother nor myself have any intentions of adding to the list of deceased children. My mother has had enough sorrow in her life.”
Q let his thoughts drift to his missing brother. It had been so long. Knut definitely had his flaws, but he wouldn’t just disappear without trying to get some kind of word to his mother that he was well and alive. Knut was dead.
This conversation was a good reminder that he needed to take more precautions about his intelligence work for the Russians. He didn’t want to give the German authorities any reason to look in his direction. His mother shouldn’t have to lose another son.
Chapter 21
Hilde enjoyed the drive back to Berlin until Q turned the tables and asked about her family. She made a face at him, but he insisted, “Now that I’ve told you my sad story, it’s only fair you do the same.”
“Well, I live with my mother, whom you’ve had the misfortune to meet.”
Q chuckled “She is…different.”
“You could definitely say that. All my girlfriends envy me because she’s so easygoing and never gives me a curfew or opposes my choice of clothing, but sometimes I’d rather…”
“…fight with her about how long you’re allowed to stay out?” He completed her sentence.
Now that he’d voiced it, it sounded strange, and she had to laugh. “I know, it sounds strange, but sometimes I think she doesn’t care about me. She probably wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t come home at all.” A lump formed in her throat. Why did she still want her mother to care for her? Wasn’t she grown up and self-reliant by now?
Unrelenting: Love and Resistance in Pre-War Germany Page 10
