Myth-Told Tales m-13

by Robert Asprin

  It was too late. Just as we emerged from the front door, the enormous Aahz-shaped structure wobbled back and forth, and crashed to lie flat in the park. I gulped. One second sooner, and we'd have been inside when it fell. Aahz stared at the wreckage in dismay.

  “Oh, well,” I said, trying to look innocent. “Easy come, easy go.”

  “Yeah,” Aahz said, with a heavy sigh. “It was just a dream. There's always more where that came from.”

  A boy in a tight-fitting uniform with a pillbox hat strapped to his head came rushing up. He handed Aahz a small package the size of his hand. Aahz gave the boy a coin and tore open the paper. Inside was a small mirror. I recognized the frame. “It's the portal back to Deva,” I said in surprise. “You were looking for it after all.”

  “This was supposed to be for you,” Aahz mumbled, not meeting my eyes. “If you had wanted to use it If you had wanted to stay, I wouldn't be upset about it”

  The change of tense made me hopeful. “But now you want to go back?” I asked encouragingly.

  “I don't need to be bashed over the head with it,” Aahz said, then looked at the fallen building, which was already beginning to be overgrown with vines. “But I almost was. I can take a hint Come on.” He took hold of the edges of the mirror. With a grunt of effort, he stretched the frame until the mirror was big enough for all of us.

  Through it, instead of the reflection of our dreams, I could see Massha, my apprentice, my bodyguards Nunzio and Guido, and Tananda, our friends all surrounding the hapless Bezel. The Deveel, scared pale pink instead of his usual deep red, held his hands up to his shoulders, and his face was the picture of denial. Terrified denial. He might not be guilty for setting us off on this little adventure after all.

  Aahz grinned, fearsomely.

  “C'mon. Let's let him off the hook.” He took a deep breath and stepped through the mirror.

  “Hey, what's all this?” Aahz asked, very casually. “You trying to raise the roof?” He lifted a hand. In the Dreamland the gesture would have sent the tent flying. In this case, it was merely a dramatic flourish. Aahz looked disappointed for less than a second before recovering his composure. I experienced the loss he must have felt, and I was upset on his behalf, but relieved to have gotten him home. He didn't belong in the world of dreams. Some day we'd find a way to undo Garkin's spell.

  “Aahz!” Tananda squealed, throwing herself into his arms. “You've been gone for days! We were worried about you.”

  “You, too, Big-Timer,” Massha said, putting a meaty arm around me and squeezing just as hard. The embrace was a lot more thorough coming from her.

  “Thanks,” I gasped out.

  “Gleep!” my pet exclaimed, wiggling through behind us. The trip through the mirror restored him to dragon-shape. In his joy he slimed all of us, including the trembling Bezel, who was being prevented from decamping by the firm grip Nunzio had on the back of his neck.

  “Honest, I swear, Aahz,” Bezel stammered. “It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything.”

  “Altabarak across the way let the dragon loose, Boss,” Guido said, peering at me from under his fedora brim.

  “Okay, Bezel,” I said, nodding to my bodyguard. If he was positive I was positive. “I believe you. No hard feelings. Ready to go get a drink, partner?” I said. “Everyone want to join me for a strawberry milkshake?”

  “Now you're talking,” Aahz said, rubbing his hands together. “A guy can have too much dream food.” Bezel tottered after us toward the door flap.

  “I don't suppose, honored persons,” the Deveel said hopefully, the pale pink coloring slightly as he dared to bring business back to usual, “that you would like to purchase the mirror. Seeing as you have already used it once?”

  “What?” I demanded, turning on my heel.

  “They ought to get a discount,” Massha said.

  “Throw him through it,” Guido advised. Bezel paled to shell-pink and almost passed out.

  “Smash the mirror,” Aahz barked, showing every tooth. Then he paused. “No. On second thought, buy it A guy can dream a little, can't he?”

  He stalked out of the tent. My friends looked puzzled. I smiled at Bezel and reached for my belt pouch.

  MYTH-MATCHED

  By Jody Lynn Nye

  Premier Number One Daughter Renimbi of the Reigning House of Eyarll whirled around her personal chamber and came to a halt facing Tananda, who was sitting cross-legged on a cushion at the end of the huge bed.

  “I can't marry Cordu of Vol Grun,” she concluded, crystal-blue eyes flashing in her gold-scaled face. “So I want you to kill him.”

  The Trollop opened her big hazel eyes wider than they had been.

  “Isn't that a little drastic?” she asked.

  Renimbi whirled away again, too agitated to sit down.

  “No more drastic than my father concluding a wedding contract with someone who is already married!”

  “Unless I am forgetting my history of the dimension of Nob,” Tananda said, watching her gyrate, “having more than one spouse is permitted in Vol Grun.”

  “But not in Eyarll.” Renimbi tossed her head. “One spouse. I refuse to do anything that will call my uniqueness into question. My father is desperate to join our nations and secure the safety of our western border, but that isn't good enough. I want to be the only woman in the life of the man whom I marry. I am, after all, a duchess of Eyarll. Will you take the contract, or won't you?”

  Tananda sat thoughtful for a moment. The rules of the Assassins' Guild were pretty strict. If she took the contract and didn't complete it for any other reason than her own death, then two new assassins would be dispatched from the Guildhall, one to finish off the original target, and one to take care of her. There would be nowhere to hide, not here, not in the Bazaar at Deva, one of her favorite haunts, or at home on Trollia. This was one of the many reasons why she wasn't taking so many jobs lately off the employment board, and she was noticing similar discomfort among her fellow members. The reasons for disposal were getting more frivolous. Personally, Tananda blamed the crystal ether network. Watching the shows that came in on crystal ball made you think that life-threatening problems were easily solved in no more than forty minutes, and that no one really minded if you knocked off an inconvenient business rival. Or would-be spouse. She much preferred it if her client was in mortal danger, not just piqued. Not that she hadn't taken commissions like that in the past. Maybe she was just getting older.

  “I want to make a few modifications to the standard boilerplate contract,” Tananda said, unrolling a parchment from her belt pouch. “You won't mind, will you?”

  “Oh, anything!” Renimbi said, throwing her hands into the air dramatically. “As long as when you're finished I never have to see Cordu again.”

  Tananda smiled. “Then, please, sign here.”

  Vol Grun's castle was a day's ride by camel, half a day by horse, or a few seconds if one used magik to blink one out of the dimension at one point and reenter it at another. Tananda had been there before, on Cordu's majority day, in fact. Her big brother, Chumley, had been at university with him. Cordu flirted with her, as he had with every female under the age of fifty who was present. He seemed to be a nice man. Tananda intended to observe him for a while. Whether or not she'd have to bump him off she left open to question. The contract in her pouch had no time limit on it, though arguably it was assumed she would have to complete it before Cordu and Renimbi got married. Still, Renimbi had signed it in such a hurry she didn't have time to review the alterations Tanda had made to its clauses.

  Such as the one giving discretion to the operator on whether to execute.

  Vol Grun had been at peace a long while. Tananda made a quick survey of the grounds immediately adjacent to the castle to make sure that the one sentry at the gate was the only guard on duty — except for signs of a commando hiding in the bushes somewhere inside the circle of the moat. It was no problem for her to avoid both of them. She didn't even have to use a lick of m
agik.

  Instead, she used that to help her hang on to the steep stone wall as she climbed it. If she remembered correctly, Cordu's personal suite was in the center of the northeastern tower. If she had guessed wrong, she could disguise herself as a chambermaid.

  The heavy blocks of stone afforded her many easy handholds. Tananda swung herself up onto the head of a gargoyle.

  “Sorry,” she said, as she realized she had been hanging from its tongue.

  “No problem,” the stone creature said. “Nice day, ain't it?”

  “A little cool for spring,” Tananda said, and struck an appealing pose. “You wouldn't mind not telling anyone you saw me, would you?”

  “No problem,” the gargoyle repeated, cracking a granite grin. “No one ever asks me anything anyway.”

  She patted him on his crested head before making a leap to the next step, the roof of a buttressed turret. Just two jumps away was a window frame, with the glass window just a hair ajar. Once she reached that, she could climb inside and find a good hiding place to observe her subject.

  A careful stretch, and Tananda clung to the underside of the window frame. She levered herself up to peer inside. She saw a flight of the spiral staircase, but no living beings. She listened intently. The castle was bespelled against intruders, but since the window was slightly open, she could work a filament of magikal force through to lift the latch.

  It swung open silently. Tananda was grateful to the cleaners who had oiled the hinges. And dusted, she observed, grasping hold of the upper window frame to swing herself in. It was clean as a whistle.

  She nearly let one out in surprise.

  A vast, hairy hand clamped upon her wrist and dragged her inside.

  Tananda broke free with a dirty twist she had learned from a street-fighting master, and used a tickle of magik to land safely on the stairs. By the time her feet touched down, she had daggers in both hands, but the bulky defender was on guard, too. He let out a growl.

  She feinted at the figure with one knife then started to lunge to the left.

  Her opponent countered both her moves. He leaped back to avoid the knife, then closing with her inside the arc of her second dagger. Tananda retreated and riposted. He countered. Her right-hand dagger went flying. She and the defender ended up tangled in one another's arms, grappling for the remaining knife. The big, hairy hand felt its way down her arm to her back and up to her face. It stopped, as if in surprise.

  “Little Sister!” a big, hearty voice boomed.

  “Big Brother!” Tananda cried, recognizing both the voice and the scent of the fur.

  The siblings stopped wrestling. Tananda squeezed her Troll brother until the air was knocked out of him then looked up at him. “What are you doing here?”

  Chumley patted his chest, trying to get his breath back.

  “I presume, my dear sister, that I am engaged in a counterpoint to what you intend to do here. Or do I fail to recognize the knot in the scarf around your neck?”

  Tananda sighed and sat down on the step. “No, you're right. I've been hired to assassinate your friend.”

  His big furry brow lowered. The usually even-tempered Troll looked angry.

  “Why? Why take the contract? Cordu is an old friend of mine, if not of yours.”

  She noticed a torch on the wall and lit it with a lick of magik force.

  “Read the contract before you get upset, Brother,” Tananda said, handing it over.

  The brow lifted at clause three. “And she signed it?”

  “She didn't even read it through. But it'll hold up before the Guildmaster, and that's all I care about. Mums would get so upset if the Guild punishers came looking for me. She might get blood on that new Djinni carpet she just had put in.”

  Chumley shivered. Their mother was a force to be reckoned with.

  “So, what are you going to do?”

  “Well,” Tananda said. “I would say at this point, what are we going to do? He's your friend.”

  “Come and talk with him, Little Sister,” Chumley said, wrapping her in a fond fraternal arm. “I think you will find what he has to say most interesting.”

  “I was a fool,” Cordu said, pacing up and back in his own bedchamber. This room, Tananda noted with an eye toward interior decorating, was much more a male's idea of a cozy hideaway. The heads of animals stared glassily at her. Three very large, red-scaled hunting beasts lay asleep in front of a crackling fire. A suit of armor stood beside the doorway, holding a tray containing a square, cut-crystal whiskey decanter and a clutch of glasses. Cordu, rather a good-looking male of the Nobish type, poured out beverages for each of them. He held up his own glass in salute. Tananda surreptitiously used a thread of magik to test her own whiskey for poison. Chumley noticed her movement.

  “Tsk tsk,” he said.

  “Sorry,” she said. “I'm on duty.”

  “I understand,” Cordu sighed. “I am glad that you are willing to talk to me. Rennie won't.”

  Chumley poured himself another glass of whiskey. “Casting my mind backward, Cordu, I seem to recall that you and Renimbi cared for one another.”

  “We do — I mean, did. We have been best friends all our lives. That is why I thought she would understand — the mistake I made. I had no idea that she would go so far in her displeasure as to hire an assassin. Truthfully, it's not entirely my fault. Her father and I… well, it is all a misunderstanding. I know he has always wanted to join our two realms. Perhaps you know that they were one country, three hundred years ago.”

  Tananda and Chumley shook their heads.

  “My studies of your history are more of the first and last,” Chumley said. “The ancient origins of your people, and most recent, social studies, if you like. So many dimensions, so little time.”

  Cordu found a map in the bookshelf that sat underneath the arched window and unrolled it to show them.

  “The arrangement makes sense, for our mutual prosperity and defense. This part of the continent is one big river valley, best defended at its mountain passes on the circumference. My father and I had discussed it with our ministers and found it to be workable, so I went to the Tue-Khan with a diplomatic proposal. We would write a treaty that left our realms each under separate thrones, but as one with an open border to allow easy movement. I stressed that our peoples were of one blood, as close as kin could be. He got the idea into his head that I must marry Renimbi to seal the arrangement. And, well, there was a lot to drink. And, well … I didn't really read the document that he shoved underneath my nose early the next morning.”

  “Why would the Tue-Khan even do such a thing?” Tananda asked.

  “It's his dream. He had told us ever since we were children that he hoped we would marry. My father, too, wished that Renimbi and I would marry. He found every opportunity to throw us together, even leaving us alone in romantic settings.” Cordu's cheeks deepened in color to bronze. “For our parents' sake we tried. But we never really hit it off as lovers, and our relationship has only gotten worse over the last few years. It was with genuine regret that we decided it could never be. My father came to terms with our incompatibility. That is when I married Larica. Rennie and I agreed we would stay best friends. I still love her dearly, but not romantically.”

  “But after the, er, meeting with her father, you did press your suit to Renimbi?”

  “Well, yes, I did. What with the document and all, I believed I had no choice. Larica is not happy about it, but she understands the customs of our culture. At first I thought that it could work.”

  “But Renimbi soon disabused you of that notion,” Chumley said.

  Cordu looked sheepish.

  “Well, yes. She sent back all of my presents in pieces, except the horse. My page told me that she threatened him with a sword, too.”

  “Sounds serious,” Tananda said, grinning.

  “But the upshot is that her father and I signed a compact. I am as good as married to Renimbi already. We don't even need the priests to solemnize
the union. That is why she wants me dead. She has more or less become my second wife.”

  Tananda shook her head. “Worse than I thought Renimbi doesn't know it's already happened. She thinks she can forestall it by having you killed.”

  He sighed. “I was a fool.”

  “You certainly were. But why can't you simply have the document vacated? Doesn't the Tue-Khan want his daughter to be happy?”

  “I am afraid he has gotten what he always wanted, and he has convinced himself that we will eventually settle down and go along with it,” Cordu said sadly. “I have tried to ask him to void the marriage contract, but he won't. As long as it exists, Rennie and I are husband and wife. Hence,” he said, sighing, “your arrival.”

  Tananda looked at Chumley. “How did you get involved?”

  “Oh, Cordu sent a message out to all of his old mates from school. What? We used to be on the skeet-shooting club together. Birkley, from Cent, is up on the roof. He's got a spear he uses as a focus for his wizardry.”

  Tananda fluttered her eyelashes. “I've always had a thing for Centaurs,” she purred. “Especially ones with magikal spears. Anyone else?”

  “Krans, from Imper, is hanging around outside, watching for intruders. He's deadly with a crossbow. I don't think any of us anticipated the method of your arrival, except for Chumley, who insisted on being in my chamber with me. And he was right to do so. If it had not been you, a friend, I might be dead already had Chumley not been here.”

  “Do you think that she will send another deadly envoy?” Chumley asked.

  “No, and no other Guild assassin would take the contract as long as I am in the picture,” Tananda said. “That's not to say she won't send an amateur.”

  “No, she won't do that,” Cordu said. “Rennie always goes for the best. She thinks it's only her due, as a daughter of the Tue-Khan of Eyarll.”

  “Good,” Tananda said. “That gives us a chance to brainstorm. If I'm the only femme fatale you're waiting for, then why don't we get your friends in? I always think better in the presence of a lot of good-looking men.” She flirted her eyelashes at Cordu.