Not Attainable (Red Eyes MC Romance)

by Blair Grey

  “I’m really not worried,” Will said, laughing a little. “The estate was apparently valued higher than what the lawyer originally thought, so there’s plenty of money to go around.”

  “Glad to hear that.” Dad paused. “If the money’s already being put in your account, I suppose it’s time for the two of you to get divorced,” he said, sounding altogether too cheerful about the prospect.

  “Actually, I don’t know,” I said slowly, glancing over at Will. I expected him to step in and tell Dad about our relationship. To, I don’t know, ask Dad’s permission to take me out on a date or something like that. To explain that we had decided that we weren’t going to get divorced after all, or at least not yet. Not until we’d given this marriage thing a solid try.

  But Will gave me a sharp look, and I fell silent. “Yeah, we should be fine to get divorced now,” he said. “I got the feeling the lawyer wasn’t going to check back into any of this. I think he realized what a bullshit stipulation it was in the first place. I’m already planning on stopping by the courthouse tomorrow.”

  I couldn’t help staring at him. What was he talking about? I thought we had agreed that we weren’t going to get a divorce.

  And I couldn’t help feeling like my whole chest was constricting, watching Will just sit there, his expression neutral, as he talked to Dad about the divorce and what it would entail. Hadn’t we agreed to tell him about our relationship? This was the exact opposite of what we’d talked about in Texas.

  I wondered if I had done something wrong. Or maybe Will had just been humoring me. I couldn’t believe it, though. I had thought he really wanted me, that this weekend had been as perfect for him as it had been for me.

  At least you didn’t try to tell him you loved him, a snide voice said in the back of my head. God, he would have laughed if I had told him, I was sure. He would have reminded me what this really was: just sex, nothing more. I had just been convenient for him.

  Maybe the only reason he hadn’t told me any of this sooner was because he was afraid that I would do something rash, like refuse to come back to Las Cruces with him. He hadn’t wanted to risk making Dad angry at him, so he had lied to me instead.

  I could feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes as Will said, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure it all gets taken care of.”

  I knew I couldn’t sit in there any longer, not without betraying my feelings. The last thing I needed was to start crying over the loss of a man I had never had to begin with. Especially since Dad wouldn’t understand what the hell was going on. He didn’t realize that Will and I had ever had anything more than that stupid piece of paper saying we were married. I got shakily to my feet, hoping I didn’t look as wrecked as I felt, and held out the ring to Will.

  “It was a long drive, and I really need a shower,” I said to Dad, pointedly not looking at Will once he had taken the ring back from me. “I’ll see you tomorrow, though, okay? Maybe we can have dinner together.” That was if I could manage to get myself out of bed the next day. If I could hold myself together.

  I didn’t know why I felt so shaken up. I had been counting on Will, though, and I couldn’t believe he had let me down like this. If he didn’t want to continue our relationship, why couldn’t he have just told me that? Now, I just felt humiliated.

  I headed out toward my house, my feet carrying me quickly even though my whole body felt numb.

  “Hey,” Will said, catching my wrist and pulling me to a stop in the space between Dad’s house and mine. “Wait up, Belle.”

  “Don’t,” I said, shaking his hand off my wrist. “It’s fine. You don’t want to stay in a relationship with me. I get it. I know it’s too much work. Whatever. It’s fine.”

  “That’s not—” Will started to say, but I cut him off.

  “I don’t really care,” I told him. “It doesn’t matter. You got what you needed. I hope you’re happy.”

  I could tell he wanted to protest again, to say something else, but I didn’t give him the chance. With every new second that I stood out there in the driveway, the likelihood that I would start crying increased exponentially. And I was not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry over him.

  I tossed back my hair, squaring my shoulders, and stomped into my house, slamming the door shut behind me. But my bravado only took me that far. I sunk back against the door, slipping down to the floor, sobs racking my body as I tried to figure out where everything had gone so wrong.

  37

  Will

  I still felt like shit when Thursday rolled around. You would think that as time passed, I would start to feel a little better about my decision. A little less guilty, maybe. Instead, it was like my guilt was magnified with each passing day. I couldn’t stop picturing Belle’s face when I had interrupted her, telling her father that we were getting a divorce, that I was going to handle all the paperwork.

  I knew it wasn’t what we had discussed. And I felt like shit for just springing it on her like that. The truth was, I wanted to stay married to her. But when I had seen Ray there, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, waiting for his daughter’s safe return, I hadn’t been able to go through with it. He loved Belle more than anything. I couldn’t tell him I had fallen in love with her, that I had taken her to bed, that I had betrayed his trust.

  He had basically loaned her to me so I could get my inheritance money, and I hadn’t looked out for her in the way he had expected me to. And what’s worse, I couldn’t find it in me to regret the things I had gotten up to with Belle.

  I just couldn’t face telling him the truth. I felt like a massive coward, but that was the truth.

  Besides, I couldn’t figure out what Belle was thinking anyway. There was no way she could want to stay married to me. We didn’t know each other well enough, and I was no one’s idea of a fairy-tale prince. I was just the first person who had dared to risk her father’s wrath by sleeping with her. She only liked me because of that.

  Which made me even more certain that the only reason she wanted to move in with me was because she wanted to get out from under her father’s thumb. And I owed her something; I knew that. I could never repay her for all the help she’d given me, posing as my wife and getting me signed up for college classes. She made me feel hope for what I could have in the future.

  No matter how many favors I owed her, though, moving in with me was a step too far. I was never going to be able to let her go after that. It would kill me, having her move in with me just so that she could move out again a few months later, when things inevitably didn’t work out between us. She would start to get used to having the freedom to go out with Nicole, she would meet someone who was perfect for her, someone who wasn’t just one of her father’s goons, and that would be the end of us.

  I was doing us both a favor by nipping this in the bud right now. I knew that. But I still felt like shit about it. And I couldn’t seem to quit carrying around that stupid ring in my pocket, as though hanging on to that one piece of our relationship could make it all okay.

  I didn’t make it over to the courthouse to file for the divorce. I told myself it was just because I was worn-out after the trip, that I would give myself a few days to recover before I went over there. But I knew that wasn’t entirely true.

  My phone rang, drawing me from my wallowing in front of the TV. Ray.

  “Hello?” I answered. Probably calling to ream me out about not getting the divorce papers filed. He’d want to know why I still hadn’t done so, and I wouldn’t know what to tell him.

  I should have just told him about our relationship, right from the start. He might have beaten me up, but things wouldn’t have been half as terrible if I had. Of course, he would never have let me go through with the fake marriage and everything else, but all the same. It would have been better. Now, it had been too long. Now, there was no way to tell him without pissing him off.

  “I need you to come over here,” Ray said. He hung up before I could say anything else. />
  Going to Ray’s was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew I had no choice in the matter. If I didn’t head over there, well, he knew where I lived. He could come find me, easily. And he’d want to know why I hadn’t come over like he’d asked me to. The only way to get away from him was to leave town, and I wasn’t ready to do that, not over this. Where the hell would I go anyway? Even aimless cruising along the back highways of the country didn’t seem appealing anymore.

  I knew what I wanted, now. I wanted a life, here, with Belle. I wanted to go to college and come home to her and spend weekends curled up together on the couch. I just couldn’t have that. I had fucked that all up.

  I had to hope that maybe Ray wasn’t calling about something to do with Belle. Maybe it was MC business or something like when he had called me to tell me he thought Belle was dating someone and he wanted me to keep an eye out for who it was. Maybe he didn’t know I had betrayed him.

  When I got to Ray’s house, he looked even more agitated than he had when the clubhouse had been broken into. “Thanks for coming,” he said.

  “What’s going on?” I asked. “Something with the Unknowns?” I could only hope.

  But Ray shook his head. “I wish,” Ray said, his mouth twisting. He paused. “Belle hasn’t talked to me since she came back.”

  “She hasn’t?” I asked in surprise. I had been able to tell that she was upset with me when I was leaving, but I hadn’t thought it would carry over to being upset at her father. Did she think that if her father was a little less overprotective that things would have worked out between us? It had nothing to do with how protective her father was; it had everything to do with the fact I had lied to the man I trusted most in the world.

  “No, she’s shut herself up in her house and refuses to come out,” Ray said shortly. “And I know it was a lot to ask of her. I try not to get her involved in club business for a reason. But I thought she was okay with everything.” He sighed. “I’m afraid I made a big mistake, and I’m not sure how to make things better with her. I was hoping you might have some insight on the matter.”

  “I thought she was okay with the plan,” I said slowly, shocked to hear that Belle wasn’t talking to her father. They had always been so close, and I’d expected he was the first person that she would turn to if she was feeling upset.

  “Did she say anything on the trip?” Ray asked, sounding worried. “Anything that might lead you to believe she would be upset with me? She seemed fine when you two came back. A little tired maybe, but she’s not used to rides like that.”

  I stared at Ray for a long moment and then fell into a seat on the couch. He was really afraid that he had done something wrong, when really, I was the one who had messed everything up. “It’s me that she’s mad at,” I admitted. “Maybe she thinks she should be mad at you, but it’s really my fault.”

  Ray raised an eyebrow at me. “You think she’s not talking to me because she’s mad at you?” he asked. He poured us a couple of drinks, and I downed mine immediately. I was going to need all the help I could get to get through this confession.

  “She’s maybe not mad at me. More upset, maybe.” I could still picture her face, out on the lawn, before she’d stormed off to her house. She’d done a good job at trying to hide her tears, but I’d seen them. It had made me start to wonder if maybe she really did want to be with me. If maybe I had just fucked everything up in the worst way possible.

  But I hadn’t had the guts to go knock on her door, not with Ray right there where he could see us.

  “Why is she upset with you?” Ray asked suspiciously. “Did you do something to her on the trip?”

  It was now or never. I took a deep breath. “We’ve been seeing each other. For a couple weeks now.” I knew Ray was going to be pissed to hear that, but I needed to be honest with the man. He had always been like a father to me, and the guilt was really starting to eat at me. Especially if I had messed up anything between him and Belle.

  “You’ve been seeing each other,” Ray said flatly.

  “Yeah,” I said, staring down at my hands and wishing I had another drink. “You know yourself how wonderful she is. I’ve been interested in her for years now. She’s beautiful, smart, witty. And I just couldn’t keep my hands off her. That’s why it was so easy to get married to her, even if it was just a fake marriage so that I could get my hands on the money.” I risked a quick glance at Ray and was surprised to see that he didn’t look angry.

  “I should have told you about it before, but I thought you would be pissed,” I continued. “I know how protective you are of her. How you don’t think any guy could ever be good enough for her. And I know that I’m not good enough for her, definitely not. She deserves someone who… Well, I don’t know. Someone else. Someone better than me.”

  I paused, clearing my throat. “I am trying to do better for myself, though. I’m using part of the inheritance money to go back to school.”

  “That’s good,” Ray said, but I could tell he was still confused about why Belle wasn’t talking to him, what all of this meant for their relationship.

  I sighed. “When we were leaving Texas, right after we met with the lawyer, she and I had this big talk. We both admitted that we wanted to continue this relationship, but that we were going to need to tell you about it. That we couldn’t keep hiding it. And I really did want to tell you, only then we got back here and I saw you waiting at the door for me to bring your daughter back to you, and I just felt like I had failed you. And I couldn’t handle telling you the truth.

  “So I bailed on her. Even though Belle and I had already agreed that we weren’t going to bother with the divorce, at least not right now, I told you that I was going to take care of all of it. I didn’t tell you about the relationship, and I’m sure Belle thought it was because I never cared about her at all. Or maybe she thought that if you were a little less protective, then our relationship would have been fine. Maybe she’s not talking to you because she thinks that you ruined her chances with me.”

  I held my breath as I watched him process that. It was such a terrible thing to say, but I hoped he understood where I was coming from. Because if he didn’t understand me, then there was no way I could ever get Belle to understand me.

  Belle. I felt my chest squeeze as I thought about her, closed away in her house. Had she cried? I felt terrible, thinking about that. I fingered the ring in my pocket, wishing there were some way to make it up to her.

  I loved her. I knew that. I just got scared.

  Ray got up and came to sit next to me on the couch. “I’m not mad at you,” he said quietly. “Not because you’ve been seeing Belle. But I have to admit, I’m a little upset that you felt the need to hide it from me. That neither of you told me the truth.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said honestly. “I just didn’t know exactly what we were doing, and I don’t think Belle had any idea, either. It all just happened so fast.”

  Ray was silent for a long moment. “And now you’ve broken her heart.”

  “I didn’t mean to,” I said, even though I knew that was no excuse. I rubbed at my forehead, thinking about Belle, alone in her house, with no one to turn to. Remembering those tears in her eyes. “I didn’t think you would approve of us staying married. She said something about moving in with me, and it just seemed like everything was happening all at once. I didn’t know how to stand up to you about that. I didn’t want you to feel like I had let you down.”

  “You haven’t let me down,” Ray said. “I love you like a son; I always have. But you’ve definitely put your foot in things.” He paused. “You need to make things right with Belle. She means the world to me, as you know. I’ll kill you if you hurt her.”

  “Too late for that,” I sighed, even though I knew it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

  “Go talk to her,” Ray said. “I know you know she’s beautiful and smart and whatever else. But remember that she’s also forgiving. Explain things to her. I think you’ll be surprised.�
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  “I hope you’re right,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure at all. I supposed it was worth a try, though.

  “I’ll come with you,” Ray said. “We’ll talk to her together. I’ll show my support.”

  “That means a lot to me,” I said gratefully, even though I wasn’t sure that even that would help after what I’d done.

  38

  Belle

  There was a knock on the door on Thursday afternoon. I debated ignoring it, but I was sort of curious to see who it was. It wasn’t Dad’s distinctive knock, that was for sure. Who else could it be?

  I was shocked to open the door and see Will standing there. As though he had any right to just show up on my doorstep after the shit he’d said the other day. I started to slam the door in his face, but he held out a hand to stop me, and I had no choice but to cave to him. He was a lot stronger than me.

  And there was a certain part of me that wanted to hear what he had to say for himself, anyway. Even if I suspected he was just there to serve me with the divorce papers.

  “What do you want?” I asked wearily.

  “Can I come in?” Will asked.

  “I don’t think so,” I said, shaking my head. I glanced past Will and was surprised to see Dad lurking there behind him.

  “Why don’t you let me talk to her first,” Dad suggested, brushing Will aside. “I know what’s going on,” he said quietly to me.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, looking between the two of them. My heart started hammering. Had Will told him everything? But no, he had made it very clear there was nothing to tell.

  “You’ve been avoiding me,” Dad said, looking faintly amused.

  “I just haven’t been feeling well,” I lied. It wasn’t really a lie, I supposed, although I meant for him to think that I wasn’t physically feeling well, rather than admitting that mentally I felt like shit. I still couldn’t believe that Will had just stomped all over my heart like that. Like I didn’t matter at all to him. Like I had just been convenient. Like he didn’t want anything more to do with me.