Kicking Eternity

by Ann Lee Miller

  “Why don’t you break up with him?”

  “Yeah, that would be something new—me breaking up with a guy.”

  Headlights shone on the dirt road, then Jesse wheeled the camp van around in front of the dining hall to get as close to the gazebo as possible.

  “Cal!” Jesse jumped out. “I’m supposed to be at campfire. Can you run Aly to ER?”

  “You got it.” Cal positioned one shoulder under her arm and eased her to a standing position.

  “Thanks, bro.” Jesse supported her on her other side. “Check to see if her mom is working tonight.”

  She gritted her teeth. “Hello! Guys, can we get moving? I’m dying here.” She put all her weight on Jesse and Cal while she swung her good foot forward. “Nice of you two to be close to the same height,” she said through clenched teeth.

  “Anything for you, Al.” In the yellow light from the dining hall porch, Cal grinned inches from her face, a shot of anesthesia. But by the time Cal pulled into the emergency room breezeway, tears ran down her face. “Hurts,” she said when Cal opened her door.

  “I’m sorry, kiddo.” Cal kissed her eyebrow and took off at a run toward the electronic doors.

  Two hours later, after her mother had come downstairs from intensive care and fussed over her, the ankle had been declared badly sprained, and she had been plied with pain meds stronger than Cal’s smile, she bumped along in the camp van.

  She woke with a start as the truck came to a stop. The pain had blessedly gone and she felt fuzzy-brained. Cal opened the door, pulled her arm around his neck, and picked her up.

  “Put me down.” The words sounded funny. She wanted to tell him to take her back to camp, not her house.

  “No.”

  No?

  Cal set her carefully on the edge of her bed in the dim light coming in from the hall. Had she told him which room was hers? She couldn’t remember. She pulled down the covers and lay back on her pillow pulling her hair up so she could feel the cool of the pillowcase against her neck. Cal came in with an ice bag and extra pillows he layered under her foot. Her eyes slid shut as she looked at her ankle wrapped like a piñata.

  “You okay? Need anything?”

  “You.” Her eyes slid shut and Cal’s chuckle fell on her like gardenia petals. She grabbed for his arm. “Thanks—for being here for me.” Cal was so solid—and warm. She didn’t want to let go.

  #

  Still caught in the sync of working together during the campfire, Raine and Drew turned toward the moon-washed beach instead of the road toward camp. This is what ministry in Africa would be like. Maybe with someone like Drew or several people who worked seamlessly as a team the way she and Drew had tonight. Thank You, Jesus.

  Drew sprawled in the sand under the night shade of a pine.

  Tonight, laughter bubbled up in her, unquenched by Eddie. She sat cross-legged in the cool sand while the moon dappled her, shining through the swaying pine branches. “The whole camp is calling me Rainey.”

  Even in the shadow of the tree, she could see Drew’s grin.

  “You’re not sorry!”

  “I’ve always called you Rainey. I think about you as Rainey.”

  It was time to turn the teasing back on Drew. “You think about me, huh?”

  “As in, ‘Rainey sure doesn’t have the gift of celibacy—’”

  Raine swiped at him.

  “Hey!” Drew jerked out of her reach. “I remember your right hook.”

  “I think you have the gift of celibacy.”

  “Hope not!”

  “Then, who are you going to marry?” She leaned toward him, trying to see his expression in the shadows. “You’re, like, old and decrepit.” Wow, was that a lie!

  “At twenty-five?”

  “What’s her name?” He wasn’t dating anyone. He would have mentioned her by now or brought her to camp.

  “Sam.”

  “Sam? Now you’re gay?”

  Drew gave a long-suffering sigh and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. He flipped it open to Samantha’s picture.

  Raine slid the dog-eared photo out of its plastic sleeve and held it up to the moonlight. She stared at what must have been the girl’s high school senior picture. Sam had long, honey-colored hair and wide, intelligent eyes. “You’re dating someone?”

  Drew heaved in a sigh and let it go. His face turned toward the saw-grass waving on the dunes nearby. “Freshman year of college I fell in love with Sam. After a semester, she thought she was too young to settle on one guy. But by that time, I was in too deep to swim out.” His face turned toward her, but his eyes were shaded by the pine. “I always thought we would have gotten back together if she hadn’t transferred to Flagler College soph year.”

  “She’s still single?”

  “As of last week on Facebook.”

  “So, try again.”

  His shoulders shrugged and relaxed. “Who wants to get shot down twice?” He stood and headed toward the seawall.

  “You’ll be celibate talking like that! Surely she’s grown up by now. Wouldn’t it be worth the risk?” She trailed after him, her words clanging in her head like discordant notes. “Tell me about her. She’s beautiful—”

  “She’s history.”

  “Someone else, then?” Her voice came out like a squeak.

  Drew took a big step onto the seawall and turned to offer her a hand. “There’s this girl with great biceps and cute toes.” He whisked her onto the wall.

  Face to face, she saw something warm mixing with the laughter in his eyes—something she wanted to fall into. But she felt herself tugging her hand out of his grasp. “Honestly, Drew! Just when I think I’m getting used to your teasing, you amp it up a notch.”

  The look melted from his face with his smile. The breeze cooled, and they started down the road.

  “Hey, I found some verses that talk about whether or not you have to obey your dad.”

  “And?”

  “Ephesians Six and Colossians Three both say, ‘Children obey your parents.’ Since you’re not a child, you could go to Africa on those verses. But there are a couple of verses in Proverbs—”

  “Yeah, I found them, too. ‘Listen to your father,’ and ‘Keep your father’s commands.’ Raine brushed away hair that had fallen in her eyes. “I guess I could listen to Dad and not obey him. But keeping his commands is pretty explicit—and there’s no age limit.”

  Drew walked between her and the New Smyrna Beach Surf and Sailing Camp sign. “Lord, I know Rainey has set her heart to do what You want her to do, even if it means not buying that ticket until she has her father’s blessing. Show her what you want her to do—”

  “Can I ask you a question?” She stopped in front of the dining hall and faced Drew. “Why, after seven years, are you still carrying Sam’s picture? Why have you checked her Facebook within the past week? I thought I’d marry Jud at one point, but I hardly think of him anymore.”

  Drew went still.

  Had she overstepped their friendship? Did she have a right to know why Drew was still in love with Sam?

  Drew kicked a rock into the grass growing in tufts around the building.

  She should say he didn’t have to tell her, that her curiosity had gotten her in trouble more than once. But she clamped her teeth together and waited. She wanted to know. If Drew was in love with Sam, what did that look he gave her on the seawall mean? She knew him as a friend. Could you be in love with one woman for years and flirt with others? She needed to know.

  #

  Drew blew out a breath. “It’s a long story.” He’d already told Rainey more than he wanted about Sam. Now she was gunning for full disclosure. “Another time.”

  “Now.”

  His head jerked up, and annoyance buzzed through him. “Bossy.”

  Rainey stared him down, hands planted on her hips.

  “Since when is my life your business?”

  Hurt flashed through her eyes. “Since I thought we were friends.” He
r shoulders drooped, but she didn’t move.

  He didn’t want to unearth something he’d buried for six years. He could almost feel the cadaver of pain resurrect in his chest.

  Her eyes pleaded with him.

  He’d asked for a peer friend, and he knew that friend was Rainey.

  Her shoulders slumped, and she turned away.

  His hand reached out and closed around her wrist. He didn’t want her to leave. He blew the air out of his lungs. Maybe finally telling someone the whole story would move him down the road. “All right. I give up.” He let go of her and sunk down on the dining hall steps. Rainey scooted onto the step beside him.

  He rubbed his face with his hands. So much energy over the years had gone into trying not to remember, he felt like he had to brush dead leaves and sand off the manhole cover before he could excavate.

  “We met at freshman orientation at Daytona State College. Samantha was sitting in the row in front of me in the auditorium. The sparkle of her earring kept flashing at the corner of my vision. After a while, I just watched the refraction of light when she moved. She had this stick straight hair in a pony tail, but curls had escaped at the nape of her neck. I was intrigued. What did she look like? I imagined everything from Miss Piggy to Hillary Duff. After two hours of speculation, the session broke up. I scrambled after her, afraid I’d never see her face.”

  Raine folded her arms over her knees and waited.

  He took a deep breath and crawled the rest of the way into the manhole of his past.

  “Hey, I’m Drew Martin. Sitting behind you.”

  The girl turned gray-green eyes on him, appraising. After a moment her lips turned up at the corners. “Samantha.”

  Whoa.

  Drew made himself quit staring. “Man, was that session a snoozer or what? Want to help me find the closest source of caffeine?”

  “Sure.” She had a clean look, like a girl in a soap commercial, a lean, athlete’s build, and thick brown eye lashes that didn’t need makeup.

  They talked through the next orientation session and the one after that, and by the end of the first week of school they were going together.

  One day, half way between midterms and finals, he walked toward Sam. Her head bent over her medieval history book, a four hundred level class she’d gotten into as a fluke when all the sections of freshman history were filled. She sat on top of a picnic table beside the creek, one long, blue-jeaned leg draped over the other, her DSC sweatshirt pushed up to her elbows.

  His love for Sam seemed to always have been there, waking slowly like a Saturday morning creeping toward noon.

  As he walked toward her, winter sun poured through a window in the clouds like a divine finger pointing to Sam. He didn’t hear the words, but sensed God saying, “She’s the one.” He could almost see flecks of dust in the light. He stopped and stood watching her.

  The clouds moved by, casting her in shadow again. She pulled her sleeves down, scratched her nose, and kept reading. She lived in fear of flunking the class, but so far she had a solid B. He was good for her. She was all about grades and training and scoring points on the volleyball court. But life was to be lived and enjoyed, sometimes laughed at.

  He crossed the rest of the way to her. When she looked up, he smiled into her eyes. He leaned over her history book and kissed her. Well. She tasted of banana and surprise.

  “I love you, Sam.”

  Her eyes rounded. He could almost read her fumbling for a response. He put a finger to her lips.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.” He could wait. He was at peace. God had spoken to him.

  By New Year’s Sam still hadn’t told him she loved him. But he wasn’t concerned. They were only freshmen; they had their whole lives together. After a Saturday morning concert at Christmas Park, they walked over to the New Smyrna Beach city marina and dangled their feet off the end of the dock.

  The sun had baked the boards warm where they sat thigh to thigh. They swung their legs back and forth over the water. Drew had grown up fishing with a hand-held line off the small cement bridge they faced. The light changed at Washington and Riverside Drive, freeing the crawl of cars across the bridge.

  Sam stared at her white Converses. “It’s funny, but I’m afraid my shoes will fall into the river. It makes no sense because I tied and double knotted them this morning when I put them on.” She glanced up at him. “I’m afraid of something else. Maybe it’s illogical, too.”

  She raked her fingers through her hair, straight like the pages of a book, and it fell back again where it had been. “You’re the only guy I’ve ever dated. I’m afraid I’ll always wonder if there was someone else for me if I don’t date other guys. I’m too young to be sure.”

  “I’m sure.” His voice was quiet, but inside his heart exploded. Why didn’t God tell Sam to marry him?

  “You haven’t dated anyone else either. How can you be sure?”

  He debated telling her about the day she was sitting on the picnic table studying history. “I just know.” He stopped fiddling with the change in his pocket and tossed a quarter into the water. The sun caught it as it sunk to the bottom. He could hear the air move in and out through his nose. He looked at her. “Sam, I love you.” It was only the second time he’d told her. He’d wanted to give her time to catch up. But she hadn’t.

  “I’ve thought about that every day since you first told me. But I don’t have an answer.”

  “Has someone asked you out?”

  Her cheeks tinged with pink under her tan.

  Anger boiled through his veins.

  “We could still go out… just see other people.” Her voice was thin and pleading.

  He shook his head. “I can’t do it. It’s just too hard. You’re going to have to make your choice.” He stared at the water gurgling under the bridge. His jaw clenched waiting for her answer. A dragonfly skimmed the water, buzzing his nerves. Still, he didn’t look at her. Was he afraid to see the rejection in her eyes or was it his anger he didn’t want her to read?

  One lithe jump and she stood, looking down on him. “Good bye, Drew. I’m sorry.” There was a catch in her voice, the closest to tears he’d ever heard her. By the time the shock wore off, she had stepped off the dock and crossed the street into Old Fort Park.

  He walked that dock a dozen times before second semester began, trying to exorcize the pain. Was God testing his faith? God told Abraham he would have a child, but Isaac wasn’t born for another twenty-five years. He didn’t like it, but if Sam needed to date other guys, he’d have to wait it out till she came back to him.

  But second semester was hell. He sulked, and Sam always seemed to have a guy hanging around her.

  He’d finished his biology final and was heading across campus when he looked up.

  Sam strode toward him.

  She stopped in the middle of the quad. “Hi, Drew. It’s been a while.”

  “I haven’t gone anywhere.”

  “I got a scholarship to start on the Flagler College volleyball team. I’m taking it. I know you’ve been holding out for us to get back together. It’s not going to happen. There’s some awesome girl out there for you. But it’s not me.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  She sighed, long and heavy. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” She kissed him on the cheek. “Good bye.”

  And the imprint of that kiss was still on his life today. He looked at Rainey. She rested with her elbows on the step behind her, the yellow light of the dining hall backlighting her.

  She sat up. “So, you’ve always felt like you needed to leave the door propped open for Sam to walk back into your life, like you didn’t have the right to close it and move on.”

  “Pretty much.” He shrugged. “It was easier not seeing Sam anymore, but the whole thing sort of fossilized inside. Kurt kept telling me I had a personality change after Sam dumped me. I was an extrovert before Sam. Afterward, I pretty much hung with Kurt or Kurt and his friend
s. One of the reasons Kurt left was to force me to get a life.

  “Are you?” He could feel Rainey’s gaze boring into him even though he couldn’t see her eyes.

  “I’m thinking about a job change.” He reached up and tousled her hair. “I’ve made some good friends like you and Jesse.” He thought about kissing someone besides Sam.

  “But?”

  “But, what if God did tell me to marry Sam?”

  “Then you better do more than look up her Facebook.”

  Chapter 15

  In the morning Aly woke up by degrees. First, she felt throbbing in her ankle, then sunlight blazing through her eyelids. She opened her eyes and saw a glass of water and a prescription bottle with a note in Cal’s blunt printing, “Take two for pain anytime after four a.m.” There was a tiny drawing of a girl on crutches with a heavily wrapped foot. She took the pills and clumped down the hall to the bathroom.

  “Aly!” Her mom came flying around the corner with an English muffin in her hand. “How are you, honey?” She was still in her pink flowered nursing scrubs.

  Aly held up a hand and rushed into the bathroom. Her mother spoke through the door. “I gave Cal a key and told him to bring you here. I found him sacked out on your bedroom floor this morning. I didn’t mean he had to stay. It was only a sprained ankle. You would have been fine till I got off at seven. Anyway…”

  Cal slept on her bedroom floor! How could a girl not love a guy like him? Why didn’t she realize he was interested in her back in high school? Why? How could she have been so stupid? Her hand went up to touch the eyebrow Cal had kissed last night. And now he was in love with Raine.

  #

  Raine sat on the back steps of the Canteen facing the parking lot. Morning sun toasted her shoulder and the side of her face. She should go get something to eat, but she’d sunk down here to sort out her thoughts after Drew went into breakfast.

  Drew’s spilling his history with Sam last night hadn’t affected their friendship. This morning on the beach she’d agreed to help him with elementary camp on a regular basis. They talked about the camp volleyball tournament and how expensive her shots for Africa were going to be. Nothing had changed.