Kicking Eternity

by Ann Lee Miller

  What if she found Aly? What excuse would she have for following her? What if Aly was doing something she didn’t want to see? She should go back and climb into her bed.

  Was that laughter coming from the far side of camp? She stepped onto the dew-slicked grass of the athletic field. She heard more sounds. Though it was darker on the field, she felt safer somehow—no bushes and buildings to harbor hidden dangers. Like Eddie.

  She moved toward the laundry, the laughter gradually becoming distinguishable as male and female. On the edges of her shoes, she crept to the back of the laundry.

  She peered around the corner of the laundry at the porch.

  Aly, who wore only a baggy nightshirt and Umbro soccer shorts—the same thing she wore to bed every night—was tucked under Cal’s arm. They laughed hysterically. As she watched from the shadows, their laughter died down to an intermittent giggle from Aly.

  While she debated what to do, Cal took his arm from around Aly and lit a joint. She watched him fill his lungs, and suddenly it could have been Eddie. The sickly sweet scent drifted her way.

  She walked up the steps onto the porch. The smoke burst out of Cal’s mouth.

  Aly pulled away from Cal. “It’s not what it looks like. I was cold—” A nervous twitter came out.

  Cal looked at her with a silly grin. “Sorry Rain—ee.”

  Cal’s calling her ‘Rainey’ jolted Drew into her mind. She would never catch Drew smoking pot with his arm around Aly. Never.

  “Get educated… the missionary.” He held the joint out to her.

  She spun and jogged down the steps. Oh God.

  If Cal was any kind of a man, he’d come after her. He’d said he loved her, after all. She heard uneven steps behind her and refused to turn around. She wouldn’t make it easy for him. What he did was wrong. At this moment she didn’t know if she felt anything for him.

  “Raine!” Aly breathed hard. “Wait. I’m s-sorry! I was telling you the truth. I was cold, so Cal put his arm around me. He loves you. Even if I wish it were otherwise.”

  She realized Aly was high or she wouldn’t have said so much. So, Aly had feelings for Cal. She shouldn’t be surprised. They were best friends.

  “I forgive you, Aly. Cal was the one who came and got you, it’s his fault.”

  Aly limped beside her now. “He only got me because he knew you wouldn’t smoke a joint. He’s stressed… because he’s afraid he won’t live up to your expectations, his parents’.”

  “He sure didn’t live up to my expectations tonight.” She folded her arms tightly across her waist. She walked soundlessly across the dirt road to the cabin. Aly stumbled after her.

  Aly slumped onto the bottom bunk, her shoulders quaking with silent sobs.

  She handed Aly the tissue box, patted her back without enthusiasm.

  “I’m so sorry, so sorry… sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” she whispered. How much of Aly’s remorse was brought on by the marijuana? She felt cynical for thinking it. Finally, Aly stilled, and she helped her climb up the ladder onto her bunk.

  She fell back on her pillow. Hadn’t she asked God if Cal was the one? Could the answer be much clearer?

  Right now she could spit in Cal’s face.

  #

  Cal watched Raine’s back moving away from him, but his body felt heavy, like he couldn’t stand up. Aly had gone, he could feel the night air cooling his arm, his side, where Aly’s body had been warm. It was like a dream, Raine coming around the corner of the laundry when he was lit up—with an arm around Aly.

  He should run after her. Beg her forgiveness. She would expect it.

  Screw everyone’s expectations.

  He took another hit from the joint. He closed his eyes blocking out the picture of Raine’s disgust. He took another long drag. Peace soaked into his pores.

  “Cal.”

  His eyes clicked open like the lens of a camera.

  Jesse stood there, haloed by yellow light from a distant cabin.

  It was too late to hide the scent that hung in the airless night. A thread of smoke curled from the cup of his hand.

  “What are you thinking, Cal? You know the rules.” Jesse shoved his boot onto the bottom step. “Jake told me you’d be a liability, but I said Triple S would be good for you.”

  Cal’s mind slogged through Jesse’s words. “I have connected with God.”

  “Smoking weed? Right.”

  “Give me a chance. I love this place—”

  “Maybe you should have thought about doing what it takes to stay here for the summer.”

  “Come on, Jess. I swear I won’t smoke again.”

  “I promised Jake. We’ve got two hundred kids to think about.”

  “But what about Raine? I’m telling you, I love this girl. If you ditch me, I’ll lose her. She’s helping me hook up with God.”

  Jesse shook his head. “It kills me to do it, but… pack your things. I want you gone in the morning.” He dragged his foot off the step and turned away.

  Cal spat a word Jesse would never use.

  Jesse whipped around. “Think about someone besides yourself for once. You think it’s easy busting your own brother? Grow up, Cal. Be thankful I’m not calling the police.”

  Cal sat there unmoving. He listened to the sound of Jesse’s boots against the dirt as he walked away. Crickets chirped under the porch. The joint was warm in his hand. He took a long pull and rubbed it out on the plank floor.

  Chapter 19

  The sun sizzled the tidewater inching up the beach like the anger boiling inside Raine. She had tried to keep an open mind. Most adults drank alcohol. But drugs? She wanted to scream at Cal. Shake him. He had jeopardized everything between them. And she wasn’t even going to think about Cal and Aly.

  She refused to date anyone who did drugs. Period. No way would she risk loving another addict. It rankled that now, in the middle of her fury, she agreed with Drew’s opinion of Eddie. She’d lived with shadows too long. She couldn’t stop loving Eddie. But Cal, she’d only known for seven weeks.

  She looked down the beach. Drew strode toward her. Odd. They mostly stayed out of each other’s way in the mornings. He’d walked half-way to the jetty to find her.

  Drew stopped in front of her. He took a deep breath and gripped her arms. “Jesse caught Cal smoking pot last night and fired him.”

  She could feel the blood draining from her face. Over Drew’s shoulder clouds tumbled across the sky. A gull squawked. The morning breeze puffed through her hair and she felt like she would tip over if Drew let go.

  Equilibrium crept back into her body.

  She clenched her fists trying to hang onto the anger, but it ran through her fingers like tepid seawater, leaving only loss. “I saw him smoking. But all I could think about was how mad I was, not whether he’d get kicked out.” The news spiraled through her. Gone. No longer in the classroom next to hers. Not in the dining hall. Not at campfire.

  Then, the tears came. Cal had cut himself off from her.

  Drew held her while the sun beat down on them. He pulled tissues from his pocket and stuffed them into her hand. When her tears were spent, she stood still, her forehead resting on Drew’s chest, soaking up his comfort, not wanting to break the contact. She sighed and stepped away.

  They walked back watching the gulls careen and pirouette over waves turned into a thousand tiny knives. Like Drew, the beauty was a balm. She stepped in the footprints she’d left on her way out to the jetty. She appreciated Drew’s silence, his recognizing nothing he could say would make this better.

  At the fire pit, she stopped, new tears welling up. All her prayers for Cal lay in the ashes, still wet from the dousing of last night’s fire. Cal needed campfire more than anyone. Somehow she knew he wouldn’t be going to church. He wouldn’t be looking for God anymore. Campfire, like camp itself and a relationship with her, was a cost Cal didn’t count when he lit that joint.

  She let out a ragged breath and looked up at Drew. His ey
es had absorbed her sadness.

  She opened her fist and held out the soggy tissues Drew had given her. “Came prepared, I see.”

  The sadness submerged under the familiar twinkle in his eyes. “I didn’t want you blowing your nose on my shirt. It’s my last clean one, and I want it to last all day.”

  A smile crept out she didn’t know she had. She threaded an arm around his waist and squeezed. “Thanks.”

  #

  Drew glanced at Rainey as she walked beside him on the road toward camp. The pines dappled the sun on her skin. Rainey was quiet now, her tears over Cal’s ejection from camp spent.

  Rainey was obviously in love with Cal or she wouldn’t be so upset. She’d cried as though her heart were breaking. He was an idiot for thinking she would fall for him because Cal disappeared.

  That stupid dream. He needed to do something to wipe away the effects of the dream. There was just something wrong with dreaming about a girl who was in love with someone else.

  #

  Raine’s last class had cleared out. She sat at her desk and let her eyelids drop over her burning eyes. Crying was cathartic, but she could do without the side effects.

  “Raine?” Aly poked her head through the door. “Got a minute?”

  She shrugged. She didn’t know what to think of Aly after last night’s drugged apology.

  “Did you hear?”

  She nodded.

  Aly walked across the room and sunk down on the table top across from her. “I’m taking you to Frozen Gold for ice cream.” She held up her hand to stop Raine from saying anything. “It’s the least I can do.”

  “You can’t undo last night.”

  “I know it doesn’t look like it, but your friendship means a lot to me.”

  She hesitated. Why was Aly doing this?

  Aly stood and motioned with her head. “Come on. I encouraged you to drink. I ridiculed your faith. I fell for your guy. Why wouldn’t you want to go for ice cream with me?” Aly cocked her head, a wry grin tugging at one corner of her mouth.

  There was something about Aly that wrapped around her heart. She stood. “Well, when you put it that way.”

  At the ice cream shop, she took a second bite of Rocky Road. Heaven. Aly had come up with the perfect olive branch.

  Aly leaned toward her across the table. “My life is a relational train wreck—my dad, my sister, guys. I want to make our friendship work—if you’ll let me.” Aly stirred the mint chocolate chip mush she’d created in her dish. “This is the first time I’ve been separated from Electra, my best friend. I didn’t realize how much she influenced me—and not for good.”

  “Why hasn’t she stopped by to visit?”

  “She’s p.o.’d with me for taking an internship at a religious camp. This is the longest fight we’ve had.”

  Raine lifted her brows. Did Aly want to rescue her friendship with Electra?

  Aly flicked her wrist, shoving away her unspoken question. “The point is you’re good for me. You’ve got me thinking about a career, about not needing a guy to make me a whole person… maybe a little bit about religion.”

  She sat back with a thump. “All that?”

  “Well, and maybe that sex before marriage is a real bad idea—contrary to Electra’s opinion.”

  “Wow!” She dropped her spoon into her empty sundae dish. “And I thought you only tolerated me.”

  Aly sobered. She pushed her half-eaten ice cream away. “I haven’t always been nice to you.” Aly looked down and back up. “But you’ve only been kind to me. It’s almost like you like me.”

  “Aly, I do like you. You remind me of a pixie who’s gotten herself all wound up in a ball of yarn and can’t get free.”

  “I’m whacked. Got that right. And how do I get free?”

  “Jesus—”

  Aly held her spoon up. “Wait. Can we save this for another day? I know I owe you after being caught with Cal—I swear nothing went on, ever—but I don’t want to argue today.”

  That was one promise she’d collect on. Maybe she had the stuff to make a missionary, after all. She could almost be thankful for Cal’s pushing over the first domino that brought her and Aly to this point.

  #

  Aly scanned the waves looking for Cal’s thick shoulders hunched over a board. She’d seen his station wagon parked between the dunes and the road, crammed full of his stuff. A sleeping bag and pillow wedged into the back end as though he’d spent the last two nights since he left camp sleeping in his car.

  Her fingers gripped the neon pink board under her arm as the water churned around her ankles. Cal had bought her the board second-hand years ago—a steal because of its color. But today, she wished Cal wouldn’t be able to spot the pink at two hundred yards. If he’d wanted to see her, he would have answered her calls or texts.

  Squinting at the dozen or so surfers bobbing across the horizon, she dropped her board onto the water. One of the surfers turned and paddled away from her. Cal. Had to be. Well, he wasn’t paddling to Europe, and there was nowhere to go but back to shore.

  As she came up on him she could see his sullen expression gazing out to sea, ignoring her. She stroked double-armed, the way he’d taught her.

  She sat up. “Cal—”

  Cal held his hand up. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Fine. But you can’t drop off the face of the earth. I was worried about you. Missy’s a mess. Jesse looks like someone ran over his Taylor guitar. Your parents have got to be worried. Raine—”

  Cal’s gaze locked onto her.

  “Raine’s confused.” Aly cupped her hand to shade her eyes. “Is it so hard to imagine people care about you?”

  “Like Jesse cared about me, kicking me out of camp at the first offense.”

  “I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”

  “If you came out here to fight with me—”

  “I came to see if you’re okay.”

  His eyes were bloodshot. Was it from the salt water or had he been drinking and smoking weed for two days straight?

  “I’m fine. I lost my job. Raine. I’ve got squat. Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “Give Raine credit. She’s not giving up on you because of one incident. I told her there’s nothing between us.” She reached for his forearm.

  He looked at her hand on his arm, then up at her eyes.

  “I’m on your side.”

  Cal pulled his arm out of her grip. “Big of you since you should have gotten canned, too.”

  She folded her arms over her stomach where it felt like he kicked her. She bounced in the waves, vacillating between surfing for shore and trying to reach Cal.

  “I told Jesse I was smoking with you.”

  Cal narrowed his eyes at her.

  “He said nobody caught me, not to let it happen again. Do you want me to quit to prove I support you? Is that what you want?”

  “I want… I want you to leave me alone.”

  Why didn’t he just slap her across the face to make sure she stayed away? It didn’t matter. That’s what she felt like anyway.

  “I’ll leave you alone… if you’ll promise me you won’t do anything to hurt yourself.”

  He stared at her like she’d insulted him. She could feel the sun scorching her shoulders. She’d forgotten to put on sunscreen. Water lapped against her board and her knees.

  “I won’t hurt myself.”

  She thought of the kid in the class between hers and Cal’s who’d died from a bad batch of Special K. “Jeremy—”

  “I won’t O.D.”

  She held his eyes another moment. She turned and paddled away. Hard.

  What she needed right now was a perfect wave to save her dignity. She’d paddle into the curl, snap her feet under her, grip the board with her toes. She could almost feel the wind whistling through her wet hair. She’d nose the board toward shore the way Cal had taught her, knees bent, feet staggered, arms airplaning over the water.

  If it weren’t for her stupi
d sprained ankle.

  #

  Raine pushed open the screen door into the infirmary. She scanned the glass cupboards that held the medicines looking for ibuprofen. She tried the cupboard. Locked. How long till the nurse would be back from lunch?

  She sank down onto a metal folding chair. Her phone vibrated in her pocket. A text from Eddie. She set her phone on the chair beside her, took a deep breath, and picked it up.

  In danger. Need $50 to buy time. Tape to bottom of camp sign before dark. Will pay back.

  The words throbbed in her skull. What kind of danger—from a drug dealer or a loan shark? Was he on the run from the police? Was he in danger of missing his next fix?

  He’d never paid her back yet. What if she didn’t give him the money and he turned up dead? Could she live with that the rest of her life?

  She stared at the medicine cabinets. It would be so easy for Eddie to break in and steal the drugs he needed to cook meth. She was so tired of fearing what Eddie would do next. She leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. Nausea settled into her stomach.

  Her mind slipped from Eddie to Cal. They were so much alike, using drugs to deal with life. Her anger at Cal had cooled, and she poked around inside looking for her feelings for him. But she felt nothing. After all this time, had God answered her prayer?

  She rubbed her temples. Were love and Africa mutually exclusive? Maybe Cal would learn from this experience and fully connect with God. Yeah, and Eddie would check into rehab.

  She closed her eyes. Lord, do You have someone for me to marry?

  The screen door squeaked and Raine’s eyes flew open as Drew walked in.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Had she fallen asleep? “Asking God who I’m supposed to marry.” Had she actually said that out loud? She stared at her toes in her new flip-flops with the pink flowers on them. Why wasn’t Drew saying anything? She looked up at him.