The Bolds

by Julian Clary

  “Well,” said Nigel, looking a little sad, “the prince simply got tired of me. Got a new plaything. A leggy brunette. Ostrich, I think she was. A flighty thing, but very seductive eyes. I was surplus to requirements.”

  “So why didn’t he just send you back to Alaska?” asked Minnie reasonably.

  “I knew too much,” answered Nigel, lowering his voice. “All of his secrets . . . and to answer your question about how I ended up here, I really don’t know the answer. One minute I was eating smoked salmon by the pool at the Hotel du Paris in Monte Carlo, and the next thing I knew I woke up here, feeling decidedly woozy. And alone. I thought that the salmon tasted odd . . . I think I must have been drugged.

  “Here I found a wardrobe full of cheap clothing in my size and details of a bank account in my name . . . I receive a monthly allowance from the prince—he is a generous man. So this became my life. I’ve tried to keep myself to myself ever since—a question of survival.”

  “Gosh,” said Mrs. Bold after a respectful silence. “That’s quite a story. No wonder you were miserable!”

  “But I think—I hope,” said Nigel, “that we can put all of that behind us. The past is done with. What matters is that we are all here, living happily next door to each other. How we got here isn’t important, surely?”

  “You’re quite right,” agreed Mrs. Bold, reaching for the cheeseboard.

  “May I, now?” asked Mr. Bold, who had been fidgeting throughout Mr. McNumpty’s story. “It is Christmas Day, after all!”

  “Yes, dear, you may now tell us all a joke,” said Mrs. Bold.

  “You seem to have heard all the bear jokes before,” said Mr. Bold, somewhat crestfallen.

  “Oh yes. Heard ’em all many times,” confirmed Mr. McNumpty. “When I was with the prince.”

  Just then there was a loud crack and everyone turned to look at Tony, who had a look of astonishment on his face. He was holding in each paw the two ends of a Christmas cracker.

  “Don’t worry, Tony,” said Betty, who was sitting next to him. “They’re meant to make that noise. It’s all part of the fun!” And she gave poor Tony a reassuring scratch behind his ears.

  Mr. Bold picked up the small folded piece of paper that had fallen onto Tony’s plate as Tony sniffed one half of the cracker tentatively for a moment, and then swallowed it in one gulp.

  “Tony speak!” squealed Miranda excitedly. She was sitting on the windowsill eating some nuts.

  “And what’s more, he made a joke!” said Mr. Bold.

  Everyone cheered and laughed until they thought they would burst, and beneath his furry cheeks Tony blushed with pride.

  “Merry Christmas!” he said loudly. “Happy Christmas, everyone!”

  And that is where we shall leave them—pulling crackers, telling jokes, and laughing.

  I told you at the beginning that this would be a funny peculiar story, didn’t I? Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed it. Now all you need to remember is that it’s true—every word.

  I NEVER tell lies.

  When Julian Clary isn’t having a silly time dressing up and telling jokes on stage, he loves to be at home with his pets. He has lots of them: dogs, cats, ducks, and chickens. His lifelong love of animals inspired him to tell a story about what would happen if they pretended to be like us. Julian can’t wait to read his books aloud to children and animals around the country.

  David Roberts always loved to draw and paint as a child, and when he grew up his talents took him all the way to Hong Kong where he got a job making beautiful hats. But he always wanted to illustrate children’s books, and so he came back to England to work with the finest authors in the land. David loves drawing animals and clothes and hats, so what could be better than a book about animals in clothes and hats?