I was going to marry this psychopath! I just want to die. I have been sleeping with the enemy. I gave him all of me. All this time I have just been giving him the ammo he needs to ruin me. I said goodbye to Harlan for him, I gave up on him, for this!
Brianna comes running out of the house carrying paper towels. She rubs my back trying to console me but I shrug off her advances. “We need to call the police Bella, who knows what kind of sick plans he has for you. Thank the good Lord you haven’t married him. He could have been trying to kill you.”
“I have to get out of here Brianna. I can’t be here.” I begin dry heaving once more as Hurley pulls into the driveway.
Hurley jumps from his truck and runs over to Brianna and me. “What’s going on, Bella, are you alright?”
I can’t even look at him right now. What if he is in on it, what if they all are? No, I can’t be completely wrong about all of them can I? All of this time was they playing me?
“No she’s not alright. You live with a fucking — freaking — sociopath Hurley, a mother fucking psycho. Did you know about this?” Brianna is getting all up in Hurley’s face like he is an accomplice.
“I don’t even know what you are talking about,” he throws his hands up in frustration.
“Come on I’ll show you,” Brianna starts pulling Hurley into the house.
“Wait we can’t just leave Bella lying in the driveway. “I am going to call Cutter and find out what in the hell is going on around here.”
“No!” Brianna knocks his phone from his hand. “You can not call Cutter he is crazy! Bella, I want you to get in your car and lock the doors. I will come back out in a few minutes to drive you home.”
All I can do is nod as I slide into my car and lay my head on the steering wheel trying to digest what I just uncovered. I bang my head against the steering wheel, how — why? I fucking let him in, I let this happen. I open my car door and violently throw up again, so hard that bile is coming through my nose. I take the hem of my shirt and wipe my face with it. How did I not see the signs? There had to be signs.
Every time something happened, it could have been him. I was always alone, and he would show up or meet up with me shortly after. And the mother fucking daisies — was he messing with me while I was in the hospital?
Several minutes’ later Brianna pecks on my window looking as crazy as I feel. “Unlock the door and scoot over I am taking you home.”
I comply with her orders, and go through the motions of pretending to listen to everything she is explaining to me, well shouting at me in her frenzied state. She isn’t that great of an actress, so I think she is on my side. From the parts that register with my brain from our one sided conversation, this is what information I gather, Brianna put the box back where she found it and reported it to the police.
She broke up with Hurley because he thought she should call Cutter to come home and explain himself. And there was no way she was going to be in a relationship with someone who could side with a lunatic.
Part of me feels bad; I don’t want her suffering, just because of me. Somebody deserves to be happy. “Brianna you are a good friend, I’m sorry I used to call you whore Barbie.”
“What? Whore Barbie, oh Bella,” she reaches across the seat and gives me a hug as we sit in the driveway at my Gram’s.
I can’t go in there I can’t face her, how do I tell my Gram about Cutter? It will crush her. Brianna takes me to her dorm for the night to give me time to think of how I want to handle telling my Gram.
**
The next week goes by in a fuzzy haze. Cutter was arrested on suspicion of stalking. They know he didn’t attack my Gram because he was in New York with me that night. Dr. Peters comes over with the prosecuting attorney to talk about the case they are building against Cutter. Who’s really named Ryan Dawson Monroe by birth by the way — yeah that totally threw me for a loop too.
They believe he became infatuated with me when I was in the hospital; he was receiving treatment during the time I was there. Their case is all circumstantial pending his psychiatric evaluation, but there is enough to issue a restraining order against him until the case goes to trial. The police figure the attack on my Gram was a robbery gone wrong and merely coincidental.
Cutter wasn’t even enrolled in the University. Dr. Peters thinks he followed me here after he was released from the hospital. He had all the information he needed on me from my patient file. Dr. Peters lets me know he will come by to check on me the next few days.
I can’t go to class; news of Cutter and what he was doing to me has spread all over town. I look like a fucking idiot. My professors and advisors have worked it out for me to have some time off, but I never want to go back. I twist the ring on my finger out of habit. I look down at it and pull it from my finger and the chain around my neck and sling them across the room. The jewelry hits my wall and falls behind my dresser.
I don’t want anything that will remind me of Cutter and his deceit. I put my ear buds in to try and distract my mind, but the first song to start playing is ‘Tip of My Tongue.’ I can’t bear to hear it. I rip my buds from my ears and throw my mp3 player down on my hardwood floor and stomp it until there is nothing left of it.
I don’t even feel comfortable in my own home. Everywhere I look I am reminded of Cutter — Ryan, whoever in the hell he is. I find myself thinking back to the blur of days that I was in the institution.
Then out of nowhere a memory hits me. I remember going to the art room, and seeing a portrait of a little girl. Carson, his little sister. At least I know that part wasn’t a lie. What if he really hurt her? I remember Ryan too, his hair was longer it hung down around his ears and he had some weight on him, he wasn’t fat, just his face was more round.
Gram knocks on my door. I feel bad; I know it must have been hard for her to walk up the stairs, but I can’t bring myself to face her. She must be so disappointed in me. “Bella, baby you need to eat something. I know you are upset, but I would at least like for you to take a shower and eat a bite. I made potato soup.”
I see the shadow of her leaving a tray outside of my door. Brianna has been coming over and I can’t see her either right now. I mean I am grateful she found the box, before it was too late. She means well I know, but I can’t let her in fully.
What did Ryan hope to get from all of his sick games? I can’t call him Cutter anymore, that person is dead to me. He wasn’t real. I give up, I don’t have it in me to fight anymore, and the darkness can claim me. I won’t even try to bleed the poison out this time.
Dr. Peters is coming over later today; I decide to take a shower for his benefit — me I could care less. But Alex might not appreciate my B.O. He informs me that he has turned my files over to the prosecution due to the fact he documented all the conversations we had where I told him I felt like someone was watching me. He has pulled a few strings to get in to have a sit down with Ryan. I don’t want to know anything about it. Honestly I am numb to it all.
I feel so lost; I thought I had finally found myself and a real love. Only to have it all ripped away in the blink of an eye. Two steps forward and three steps back, yep talk about progress. Gram doesn’t know what to say to me, so she doesn’t — say anything. I think she is scared of what I might do if she says the wrong thing. I know she is hurting too, but I don’t have it in me to care. And she should worry because I myself have no idea what I will do or when I will do it. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. I want to hate him, to make him hurt — as sick as it might sound I miss him, I still love him.
**
March
There is nothing left but silence, I’m not sure my heart beats any longer. I have nothing left to give of myself. Ryan stole everything I had in me. I have nothing to left to lose, I merely exist.
I have refused Dr. Peters last three visits. I know he has seen Ryan and wants to discuss it with me. Gram has also informed me that Ryan has been released to his family on house arrest until we go to trial. I don’t wa
nt to bother with any of it. I no longer care.
Maybe I should have thrown myself off the bridge when I wanted to and pulled him — Cut-Ryan with me... My birthday is next week. I plan to go to the falls and spend it with Harlan. My heart aches for him, but not in the way it used to.
I find I miss his friendship more than anything. Brianna finally gave up trying to see me after going through a second round of my blowing her off... I have officially been dropped from my courses and un-enrolled from the University. My advisor begged me through an email to reconsider, I told him to blow it out of his ass.
I can’t go to campus and be stared at and listen to the hushed whispers. It will be more than I can take — the pity.
Please God just take me now, because as deep as I hurt I miss Cutter, I miss him so fucking much. The ghost of the love I have lost haunts my dreams now. I no longer dream of Harlan, but instead the stranger who was sleeping next to me all of this time — Ryan Monroe. His smile, his blue eyes — I want to see him, to confront him. I want him to tell me it is all a misunderstanding. But I know what has been done can’t be undone, no matter how much I wish it were possible. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t always on my mind.
But here I am still going through the motions…
Chapter 23
Happy Birthday to me, not. I don’t know where my Gram got the idea at that I would want to celebrate my birthday. I guess I understand why she is doing it, I feel guilty that she has to suffer through my screams at night. My nightmares are back, but his time around they are of Cut — Ryan. I get showered and dressed to go to the falls.
When I go into the kitchen to grab my keys, Gram has a cherry cheese pie waiting on the counter for me. I know she means well but the only thing going through my mind is images of me and Cut — Ryan on my Gram’s porch swing on Thanksgiving. That was the last time I had any cheese pie.
How can I miss him, knowing what he was doing to me? Lurking in the shadows making me think I was being visited by Harlan. What a twisted since of romance, he must have had. I find myself waking some nights and screaming out his name, though I know it’s wrong the moment it happens, I can’t stop it. I am so tired of crying for a love that doesn’t exist. I thought losing Harlan was hard but losing Cutter hurts so much more. I know I will never get Harlan back, but Cutter — his face is still out there. I can’t pretend he doesn’t exist as much as I try to forget — the way he made me feel like I was really the only one he could ever care for — like the stars only shined for me…
I pick the pie up and toss it in the trash. I probably shouldn’t have left it where my Gram would see it, but I am not in the mood to care. I know it will hurt her feelings, but at the same time she should have known better. She should have known celebrating my birthday is the last thing I would want; my life is anything but normal. Normal is overrated and so is love. Fuck love.
Putting a cigarette in my mouth and lighting it even feels off, fucking Ryan has ruined everything for me. I peel out of the driveway and race towards the falls. Parking my car in a hurry, I don’t even bother taking my keys from the ignition.
Making my way up the trail to the bridge I get a feeling that Harlan is here, and it better not be fucking Ryan screwing with me. I know they said he is on house arrest, but I don’t put anything past people these days. I get to my favorite spot in the center of the bridge where there is a perfect view of the falls rushing into the lake. I look up at the beautiful blue sky only to be reminded of the blue shade of Ryan’s eyes. He’s everywhere I go.
“Harlan,” I whisper the name that has brought me so much pleasure and pain. “Please Harlan, I need you.”
“Nope guess again, Bells,” Nolan comes to stand beside me.
What is he doing here? How did he know I’d be here? I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“About time you came out of hiding, I thought I was going to have to drag you here myself?” he laughs and it seems off somehow. I take a better look at him. There are dark circles under his eyes, and he is so skinny.
He looks nothing like his brother now. He appears sickly, and gangly. His eyes look empty, black almost. Like the guy who once lived in his shell of a body is gone. Like the Nolan I have always known has disappeared.
“I’m confused Nolan, what are you talking about and why are you here?” I take a step away from him.
“I’m here for you Bells, happy birthday by the way.” He tries to kiss my cheek, but I dodge his advance. He looks hurt by my rejection—angry even. “It was all almost too easy. Fucking Ryan Monroe played right into my plans. Bella if you would have just given yourself to me years ago, none of this would have been necessary.”
I look at him completely oblivious to what he is talking about.
“Oh I am sorry let me dumb it all down for you doll face.” He pulls a pistol out of his waistband.
I take another step away from him; he is scaring the shit out of me. He takes a step forward grabbing my mouth and squeezing it hard with his free hand. Then he smacks me right along my jaw line. But he doesn’t use enough force to really hurt me.
“You see Bella, I met you first, you just don’t remember but if you try real hard it will come back to you. You were probably in junior high at the time. I had just gotten my drivers license, I offered you a ride home from the county pool, but you turned me down. I let the rejection go and found someone else to play with for the time being. And it is so ironic who she was, can you guess? I’ll give you a hint, her last name was Monroe.” He looks so pleased with himself, almost as if he is gloating.
“What in the hell are you talking about Nolan? How do you know Ryan’s little sister?” I try to take another step away from him, but he catches me by my wrist and digs the barrel of his gun in my side.
“Eh, eh you aren’t going anywhere, Bella Rose; we are just getting to the good stuff.” He proceeds to tell me how he wanted to have me all for himself but Harlan got in the way when he set all of this in motion by asking me to dance. He goes on to tell me that Harlan knew about Carson Monroe, what he did to her, where he buried her body. I pull away from his hold enough to throw up over the rail of the bridge.
He is sick; it has been him all of this time. How did I not see it and where does Ryan fit into all of this? I know I need to keep him talking, I am afraid of what he plans to do to me. I try to will my knees to stop trembling. I don’t want him to sense my fear. I need to play it cool. He needs to believe that I am cool, calm and collected.
“Do you know how hard it was to see you with my brother Bella, watching him put his hands on what was meant to be mine? I tried to give him every chance to leave you alone, but he couldn’t let you go. No matter how many girls I dangled in front of him, it was always you he wanted,” he laughs at his own twisted thoughts. “I was always watching the two of you — always having to bear witness to your intimate moments. Harlan liked to rub you in my face. This was a big mistake on his part. He underestimated me and the lengths I am willing to go to get what’s mine! I was there that day at the falls. I pushed him you know?” He grabs my face again and runs the barrel of the gun over my mouth.
I can’t stop my body’s initial reaction, fear, and the tears pool in the corners of my eyes. My heartbeat is pumping so fast, I am so afraid.
“I pulled you out of the water that day. I saved you Bella, because I thought you would finally see. I thought that with him out of the way, you would finally turn to me. I thought just maybe you would seek comfort with me. But instead you go and involve yourself with Monroe, of all people. I should have let you drown.” He waves the gun in the air.
I am afraid he is going to shoot me at any minute, or even worse he is going to drag me to the woods and rape me. Nolan killed Harlan, it wasn’t an accident. I would throw up again, if I had anything left in me. My tears are falling freely; I can’t hold them back any longer. I am never going to see my Gram or Ryan again. I picture Ryan in my head, and I wish I could go to him now and tell him I’m sorry. My ju
dgment was so clouded and now he will never know about his sister. There are so many things I want to say to him.
“I thought maybe if you thought you were seeing Harlan and hearing him, you would come talk to me about it. But you didn’t, so I had to take matters into my own hands. I needed to get rid of fucking Monroe — he was always in the way. It was clever of him to change his name. I wouldn’t have known it was even him if I hadn’t started checking him out.” All I can do is listen to his rant — his confession. I can’t find my voice. Even if I did dare to scream, who would hear me out here?
“It was even easier to blame it all on him. I just had to wait for the right moment, and everything fell into place so perfectly. Placing a few items in a box and waiting for it to be seen, that is all it took. You believed it all so easily. You claimed to love him, and to want to marry him, but you gave up on him so quickly. You see Bella, you aren’t loyal. And well loyalty is an important quality in a life partner. You weren’t loyal to Harlan either, I saw you in bed with Ryan, the things you let him do to you. I would have cut you; all you had to do was ask. We could have shared something beautiful Bells — you and I.”
I look to my left and see Dr. Peters watching us from the other end of the bridge. I quickly turn my attention back to Nolan; I don’t want him to see Alex. I am disgusted, he was there in my apartment, every single time I thought I was seeing a glimpse of Harlan, and it was Nolan. He is sick, who does that?
“So you have me here now, what do you want from me Nolan?”
“What do I want? Haven’t you been paying attention Bella? I wanted you. But you have ruined it, by fucking my brother and Monroe. You aren’t pure anymore Bells. And now you know too much. So it is time for you to go. Everyone will think the pressure of your life got to you and you finally cracked. You see this gun; I stole it from your sweet ole Gram. I’m glad to see she is up and about. Really, I am. I never meant to hurt her, but she got in the way,” he points his gun in my back. “Climb up on the ledge Bells.”
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