Kabukimonogatari

by Nisioisin

  001

  There’s a girl I need to tell you about here, now, before I begin talking about that summer and my great adventure over Mayoi Hachikuji. To be clear, this girl didn’t accompany me on my adventure, and in fact she wasn’t involved with it in any way. When I first met her it was well past summer, and I don’t think it would be going too far to say that it was getting on to winter, so there’s really no way she could have accompanied me or been involved. To put it simply, she has nothing whatever to do with the tale I want to tell, so why do I want to introduce this completely unrelated person, right here at the outset? Honestly, I don’t feel all that confident that I can explain it properly, but how can I put this, she’s the type of person who makes you feel that way.

  Long story short, when I recall a certain kind of intractable, impossible, godforsaken episode, for some reason this utterly unconnected girl comes to mind along with it─it’s like that feeling when you open the second drawer in a bureau and the third one opens as well. Or maybe it’s more like when you close the second drawer and the third one opens because of the displaced air pressure. I can’t decide which metaphor more aptly expresses her.

  They say that if you put soy sauce on custard, it tastes like sea urchin. The two seem unrelated on the surface, and indeed they are completely unrelated, but they end up coming across the same. Call it a paradox of the sensory organs or a trick, but if pressed, I’d say she’s like a synthetically colored, artificially flavored carbonated drink with zero-percent fruit juice: the taste is the same, even though it’s not the same thing at all─a total fake, an imitation girl.

  Difficulty.

  Anxiety.

  Trouble.

  And failure, regret.

  Exactly the kind of first-year who seems like she’s been packed away in a drawer with all these kinds of things─the new girl, Ogi Oshino.

  …Somehow this has turned into a pretty unflattering introduction for a girl who’s my junior, but I’m sure if she heard this she would just laugh it off, so I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. No sense in fretting over it.

  Incidentally, it was Kanbaru who first told me about her─about Ogi. I didn’t doubt Kanbaru, always peculiarly well informed about cute girls, when she told me a charming new student had transferred into one of the first-year classes, but when I finally met her in person, I wasn’t able to dwell on any impression at all.

  Mostly because when we first met, she slugged me.

  I’ll explain why I went to meet her, and why she slugged me, in due course (if I even get the chance, that is)─but what Ogi said, the reason I think of her when I think of these events involving Hachikuji, was this: “Did you know that for the blink of an eye all the traffic lights are red at intersections?”

  “What the hell? When the workmen have to run a test or something?”

  “No, no, it’s much more frequent than that─I bet you yourself see it almost every day.”

  “Every day… No way, I don’t remember ever seeing that. I mean, if that sort of phenomenon occurred all the time, there’d be traffic accidents all over the place.”

  “It occurs all the time precisely so that there won’t be traffic accidents all over the place. What a fool, don’t you get it? Listen, it’s really quite simple once the cat is out of the bag. From the time the lights on the north-south street turn red to the time the lights on the east-west street turn green, there’s always a three-second time lag. Because if they changed at exactly the same time, some impatient driver would jump the light and the chance of an accident would increase.”

  “Three seconds… That’s more than the blink of an eye. Nobody blinks for three seconds.”

  “Don’t nitpick, it’s unbecoming. What I’m saying is, there are three seconds of downtime at an intersection, three seconds when everything stands still─and of course, there’s no such thing as a moment when every light turns green at the same time, unless the workmen are actually running a check. If I were the engineer, I would build it into the system so it could never happen. Better safe than sorry, no?”

  “Now you’re just stating the obvious.”

  “Then please allow me to state the obvious. I think you’ll find it really quite interesting. When the world is awash in the red lights that indicate danger, it’s actually safer than at any other time, while a world awash in the green lights that indicate safety is the most dangerous place of all. It’s a contradiction─erring on the side of the danger signal creates a safe haven, and erring on the side of the safety signal creates a lawless space where it’s tough to survive for even one second, let alone three.”

  “You’re saying it’s like…how healthy food tastes bad, and delicious food is basically unhealthy and makes you fat?”

  “Yes, that’s it exactly. You catch on pretty quickly for someone who’s stupid.”

  “I’m ever so honored by your praise.”

  “I’m not praising you, I’m being sarcastic. When most people cross with a green light, they feel like God is watching over them, but the fact is it’s not like that at all. The risk is simply reduced by half. It’s slightly better than every light being green, but that’s as far as it goes. If you really want to shun danger, it’s better not to cross the street at all.”

  “If you put it like that, even when you’re walking on the sidewalk the chance is still greater than zero that some drunk driver would zigzag all over the place and hit you.”

  “Yes, the chance is greater than zero. But that’s exactly why I have to state this. Somebody, me for instance, needs to. How dangerous is this place? It’s a peaceful world, overflowing with hopes and dreams, brimming with salvation, we’re born to love one another and live in harmony, it’s kids’ duty no less to be happy─when people prattle on intoxicated with such ideas, the rug can be pulled out from under them at any moment. Children in war zones know the truth, even if they’re not educated. At least they’re hungry for life. Because there are no green lights reflected in their eyes, only red ones.”

  “I think people have the right to live like idiots in a peaceful country. Isn’t that the point of thousands of years of progress?”

  “That’s such a Japanese way of thinking. You might even call it our religion. But this country called Japan? I don’t mind declaring that I don’t think it’ll exist a thousand years from now.”

  “That’s true of any country. No country maintains the same structure for a thousand years. You don’t even need to crack a history textbook to know that.”

  “Yes, it’s obvious. Japan may perish, the world may perish. But everyone averts their eyes from that obvious truth and opens savings accounts. It would be funny, if it weren’t so sad.”

  “And?”

  “Pardon me?”

  “And what are you actually trying to tell me, Ogi? You’re talking nonsense, as usual. You’re just like your uncle, even if you don’t look a thing alike.”

  “I’m not pleased to be compared to someone like him. I almost want to sue you for defamation. But as a special service I’ll choose to take it as a compliment. Listen, I’m just trying to advise caution. People say it all the time, don’t they? ‘Dreams are not to be had, but to be realized.’ But it’s the other way around, isn’t it? If we’re really being honest, dreams are not to be realized, but to be had. It’s fun to think about your dreams for the future, but when they come true they’re drab. Or you end up toiling away day by day, little by little, at work that will probably come to nothing anyway. That’s a hellish life. Why do that? It’s ridiculous, especially when you can be perfectly happy with your fantasies.”

  “But wouldn’t your happiness quotient be higher if your dreams came true?”

  “Absolutely not.”

  “Oh, no?”

&n
bsp; “No. Not a chance. Even if it’s something everyone wishes to become, or hopes to be in the future─a rock star, an athlete, a manga artist, a CEO, doesn’t matter─it’s clear if you just consider what that life would actually be like. You think those kinds of people just do whatever they want to? There’s absolutely no way. Worrying about your relationship with your employer, putting yourself at the mercy of rankings and ratings, ingratiating yourself to sponsors or playing up to your fans─it’s nothing but a miserable grind. Realizing your dreams equals realizing how dreary your dreams are.”

  “So the more your dreams come true, the more you have to worry about your relationship to everyone around you? That’s a real wet-blanket attitude. I mean, aren’t there big shots who get to do whatever they want?”

  “Oh, the guy who does whatever he wants and lives out his life eschewed, hated, by the people around him? Who wants to be that guy? Is that a dream come true? Just the opposite.”

  “Yeah…just the opposite.”

  “So. We should teach kids that they can be happy so much more efficiently by munching on snacks and staring at images of people whose dreams have come true, beamed to them through a cathode-ray tube, than they can by enduring bitterness and being drowned in obligations as they strive to transform a pleasant dream into a harsh reality. We’ve got to be their knights in shining armor. It’s entirely admirable to have dreams, but never let them come true. That’s the message we should spread.”

  “Cathode-ray television sets have pretty much gone the way of the dodo… Even though the picture’s surprisingly good, I guess. Now it’s all LCD and plasma.”

  “Ha. So both the picture and the shows themselves have become totally flat.”

  “I swear I wasn’t being critical. There are tons of good shows on.”

  “Who are you trying to please, covering for yourself like that? No one’s going to respect you just because you’re a nice person. You’re the one who has to respect them─the traffic lights. You’ve got to mind the signals, because they’re not going to mind you. With your hands above your head, or waving a little flag, if you like.”

  That was about how it went.

  It was always like that with her. Ultimately, that day Ogi just wanted to tell me her piece of trivia, that “all the traffic lights are red for three seconds at intersections.” It seemed like she just wanted to feel proud, to be admired, but ended up talking about life, principles, even dreams. That was fifteen-year-old Ogi Oshino in a nutshell─and I recall that piece of trivia along with Mayoi Hachikuji.

  I recall it along with the lost girl.

  Every traffic light in her path was red.

  Precisely when she crossed with the green, she got run over.

  Along with the memory of that girl, who died over ten years ago.

  My great adventure that summer, which started from such a small thing, but finally became so massive that it threatened to engulf all reality─it’s along with that tale that I recall it.

  But after I’m done telling the tale, I might be able to respond to Ogi’s trove of trivia, to the girl who always leaves me speechless and overwhelmed, with a retort.

  It’s this.

  Traffic lights have three colors. In between red and green, they turn yellow.

  And that’s what she was trying to advise.

  002

  “Well, well, well, what have we here? You’re looking well, kind monster sir. I’m relieved, and jealous.”

  Just so you know, I have no intention of trying to tell you that running into Yotsugi Ononoki that day─Sunday, August twentieth, the last day of summer break─was the start of it all.

  She (if that’s the correct pronoun, which I’m not certain it is, but Ononoki sure looks like an adorable girl of tender years even if she uses the male one herself) was just there, nothing more. If, based on that level of participation, I’m going to lay some of the blame for the incident at her feet, then I ought to have just ignored her instead when she called out to me.

  It’s not like Ononoki and I are bosom buddies, or close, or even particularly friendly─in fact, there was a bit of mischief recently where we tried to kill each other over my decidedly un-cute little sister.

  Forget ignoring her, I wish I’d gone after her the second I saw her, thank you very much.

  Naturally, it was the same for Ononoki, and though I imagine she’d have liked to come after me herself (not a hypothetical, she’s more than capable), and though as always, her emotionless expressionlessness told me exactly nothing about what she was actually thinking, I figured it might be okay to let myself be pleased to hear her voice, however little she seemed to have missed me.

  Well, either way.

  It’s a good thing when a cute young girl talks to you.

  Even if she is an aberration.

  Because she’s an aberration?

  “Ononoki. What’s up,” I replied.

  We were on a sidewalk, at an intersection not all that far from the Araragi residence where I live.

  I suddenly realized that a familiar girl wearing a skirt that hid everything down to the ankles was right next to me. It seemed like she noticed me at virtually the same time (strictly speaking, I think she saw me a fraction of a second earlier).

  The light was red.

  No, in fact it turned green that very moment.

  The color that indicates safety.

  “Long time─but it hasn’t been that long,” I said. “Somehow, it feels like forever ago that we saw each other last. But that was recent, huh? Umm…”

  I blush to admit that I scoped out our surroundings first.

  It’s not that I was afraid passersby would witness me in flagrant conversation with a little girl (I’ve been wiped completely clean of that kind of oversensitivity). I feared a certain onmyoji who employed Ononoki as her shikigami.

  Yozuru Kagenui.

  She couldn’t possibly be─but if Ononoki was here, then the odds were extremely good that Kagenui was paying our town another “visit”… The thought made me nervous.

  If it was true, then “onslaught” was the right word.

  When she stands, mayhem; when she sits, destruction; her walk, like terrorism─if at all possible, I wanted to avoid ever laying eyes on her again.

  A reunion was one thing.

  A rematch was out of the question.

  She wasn’t nearby, as far as I could tell. She wasn’t the type to conceal herself (Kagenui won’t even set foot on the ground, part of some who-knows-what-ism), so if I didn’t see her right off the bat, I could probably relax for the moment…

  “You don’t need to worry, kind monster sir. Sister isn’t with me. I, Yotsugi Ononoki, am here alone.” Recognizing my precautions (perhaps “suspicious behavior” would better describe my actions) for what they were, Ononogi beat me to the punch before I could even ask. “It’s not like me and sister are together everywhere, all the time, so you can do me a favor and not always think of us as a set. Rather than one set, we’re a two-man cell.”

  “Uh huh…” I certainly hoped that was true. Kagenui was, well… I guess she’s more a good person than a bad one (some even say she embodies justice), but given our natures, we’re hardly compatible. “In that case, though, you’re one free familiar. Speaking of which, Ononoki, when we first met, weren’t you also alone and lost?”

  “I wasn’t lost. Don’t insult me. I was just asking for directions.”

  “Isn’t that the definition of being lost?”

  “If asking for directions is all it takes to be lost, then every child in the world is a lost child. People say it all the time, don’t they? To ask is a moment’s shame, not to ask, a lifetime’s.”

  “I suppose so.”

  “They also say that to answer is a moment’s smugness, not to answer, a lifetime’s.”

  “No proverb is that nasty.”

  Since Ononoki was always aloof, it was tough to tell whether or not she was joking, but just to be sure I played the straight man. She didn’
t seem particularly thrilled, nor upset at having been corrected, so I still didn’t know if it had been the right move.

  What a difficult kid.

  I wasn’t asking her to be wildly expressive, but couldn’t she at least display a little emotion like a normal kid her─wait.

  “Hey, Ononoki.”

  “What?”

  “I knew something didn’t feel right… When we met before, didn’t you have a weirder way of speaking? All your lines ended with ‘he said with a dashing look,’ if I remember correctly.”

  “Shut your hole.”

  A curt imperative, in a low voice─so low I couldn’t tell who’d spoken.

  It dripped with emotion.