A Life Without Flowers

by Marci Bolden

  “Let’s have a little moment of silence,” Elijah said.

  They joined hands, and while everyone else lowered their faces, Carol looked at each one and thanked her lucky stars for them. For Elijah’s strength, Lara’s humor, her nieces’ innocence and hugs, Mary’s love, her aunt’s support, and most of all, her mother’s willingness to let go of the past and move forward.

  She loved every single one of them. Each one of them had played a role in helping her survive losing Tobias. Each one had boosted her up enough to keep going. She couldn’t have done this without them. She wouldn’t be standing there if they hadn’t each pushed her in their own way to keep going.

  A light breeze blew, lifting Carol’s hair off her shoulder as a tickle brushed her cheek. The scent of Salvia dorisiana enveloped her. Looking up at the sun shining down on them, she felt a wave of warmth roll through her.

  “I love you too,” she whispered as she smiled.

  Guilt tugged at Carol as she skimmed the letter she’d written to Simon Miller. Since leaving Ohio, she’d lived in his house rent free, but as soon as Tobias suggested they move in together, she knew she had to give up this last tie to the past.

  She’d considered calling Simon several times, but she stopped before ever dialing the phone. Every time she thought of him, she remembered the last time she saw him. The night she left John with nothing but a suitcase of her clothes and a backpack of mementos from Katie’s room.

  And an urn.

  As much as she had wanted to reconnect with Simon, memories stopped her each time. The urge eased once she and Tobias had started dating, but Carol never lost sight of the fact she owed Simon for the life she had now.

  He’d given her a safety net when she was freefalling. He’d provided a soft landing rather than one that certainly would have killed her had she been left to find the bottom on her own. The depression would have won. It nearly had many times in the last years anyway, but Carol had found her footing. She’d found a place to stand and start again.

  She owed that to Simon. He deserved more than a thank-you note, but she didn’t know what else to do. She considered calling him, but what would she say? How could she explain what she’d been through? How could she tell him that she still loved him but could never be with him because simply thinking of him reminded her that if she’d left John, Katie might still be alive.

  That wasn’t a burden she was going to place on him. He didn’t deserve to know that her screwed-up brain had tied him to the worst time in her life and no matter how good he was to her, she couldn’t untangle him from that web.

  No, he didn’t deserve to have that placed on his shoulders, and she didn’t trust herself not to blurt the words out if she was to talk to him.

  A letter was best. A letter was easy.

  Or so it should have been. She’d stared at the blank page for a long time, wondering how to thank someone for rescuing her during her darkest hours.

  Looking over her words now, she debated tearing up the page and simply sending him his keys without a note. But she owed him more than that.

  Simon, she’d written, because Dear Simon seemed too intimate.

  * * *

  Thank you for allowing me to stay in your home. As always, you provided me a safe haven when I needed it most. However, it’s time for me to stand on my own, which I never would have been able to do without your kindness and generosity.

  * * *

  I recently graduated with my master’s degree in medical science. Unfortunately, I’ve realized I’m no longer in a place to become a pediatrician like I’d hoped. I will continue my education and get my doctorate, though. I haven’t yet decided where that will take me, but I am moving forward. I couldn’t have done that without you.

  * * *

  I hope you are well.

  Caroline

  She had intentionally left out any mention of Tobias. Somehow she felt that would be a betrayal to the man who had helped her without asking for a damn thing in return. Simon didn’t need to know that she’d fallen head over heels in love with someone else. Simon didn’t need to know that he’d provided her a new life that she now planned to share with someone else.

  “Hey,” Tobias called from the other room. “Carol?”

  She folded the letter and tucked it into an envelope with the key to the house she’d moved out of. “In here,” she called before licking the tab and sealing her goodbye to Simon inside.

  Looking up when Tobias walked into the room, she smiled. She always smiled when Tobias walked into a room. Setting the letter aside, she met him with open arms and a willing kiss. “What took you so long?” she asked.

  He winked. “I had to make a stop on my way over.”

  She tilted her head and eyed him suspiciously. “What did you do?”

  He simply smiled and hugged her again. Within an hour, she’d know what he’d been up to, because she’d be crying as he slipped an engagement ring on her finger.

  Carol’s attention was drawn like a magnet until she focused on a man across the lawn. He’d had that same effect on her twenty-five years ago. The moment Simon Miller had entered her world, he’d had a gravitational pull she couldn’t deny. Even now, after all these years, her soul somehow sensed his. She looked over, and there he was, staring at her as she’d caught him doing over and over before they’d given in to their desires.

  “Excuse me,” she said to her mom and aunt as she stepped away from them.

  Simon smiled as he headed for her too. She moved into his arms as easily now as she had then, and he hugged her as tight as he had the last time she’d seen him. This time, however, she wasn’t falling apart. This time she was stronger than he’d ever seen her.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” he said softly.

  She pulled back and skimmed over his face. He was even more handsome than she remembered. His eyes were more serene, his smile even more soothing. She couldn’t stop herself from putting her hand to his cheek and stroking over the short-trimmed beard he was sporting. The thought that touching him intimately might be inappropriate didn’t even cross her mind. He didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he stroked his hand over her hair as he’d always done before putting his forehead to hers.

  “I am so glad to see you,” she said.

  “Me too. It’s been too long.”

  “Thank you for coming.” Stepping back, she put respectable distance between them but clasped his hand so he couldn’t leave her side.

  He didn’t seem interested in walking away anyway. He put his other hand over hers and smiled down at her. “I know I’m early, but I was hoping I could get a few minutes alone with you.”

  “Carol?” came Judith’s voice, full of curiosity.

  “Hold that thought,” Carol whispered to Simon before turning to find her mother and aunt smirking knowingly. “Simon, this is my mother, Judith, and her sister Ellen. This is my friend Simon.”

  “Simon, we’ve heard so much about you,” Ellen said as she extended her hand.

  Carol lifted her brows in warning, but Ellen ignored her.

  “Nice to meet you, Ellen.” Simon gave Judith the same welcome, but before they could drag him into a volley of questions, Carol grabbed his arm and gently pulled him closer.

  “I need to give Simon a tour,” she said, guiding him away. “Don’t worry,” she muttered as they walked toward the house, “they’ll corner you later.”

  He laughed, and a million memories hit her at once. “I have no doubts about that.” He followed her into the newly remodeled house. “This is really great of you, Caroline. As you know, families fare better when they aren’t cooped up in hotels for long periods of time. Not to mention the financial burden placed on them when they have to pay to stay close to the hospital.”

  “Katie would have wanted it this way.” She led him to the living room and stopped in front of the framed photo of her daughter. Beneath was a plaque with her dates of birth and death. Like Tobias, Simon had never met Katie, but Carol h
ad spoken of her often when they were together. So much so that when he’d made big plans for their future, he’d included Katie without hesitation.

  “She looked like you,” Simon said gently as he wrapped his arm around Carol’s shoulders.

  Carol slid her arm around his back and rested her head on his shoulder. Though they’d been lovers long ago, they’d also been friends, and that friendship seemed to have instantly been rekindled. She didn’t feel the least bit awkward standing with him like this. She wished then that she’d reached out to him sooner. They could have been friends. Thinking they couldn’t have was foolish on her part, but he was part of the mess she’d had to leave behind, and she’d had to let those mistakes go for her own sanity.

  “She might have looked like me,” Carol said, “but she sure did act like her daddy. Always getting into something. They kept me on my toes, that’s for sure.” Pulling from him, she stepped back enough to look up at his face. “How much do you know about what led to the dedication?”

  “Not much.” He laughed lightly. “I pretty much got caught up in the fact that you were going to be here to hand over the keys. Nothing else seemed important after that. But I do know John died.”

  Sitting on the sofa, she waited for him to take the space next to her. “He had cancer. I was living in Houston, and instead of seeking treatment, he found me and begged me to help him put Katie’s memory to rest. I was resistant, as I’m sure you can imagine. But I did, and I took care of him in the end so we could make peace with the past. He had never remarried and left the house and his life insurance policy to me.”

  “And this is what you’re doing with it.”

  “Yeah. We agreed to this before he died.”

  Simon ran his hand over her back. “I’m glad you were able to make peace with him.”

  “Me too. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to do that until he showed up in my life after so long. We wanted to do this so she wouldn’t be forgotten.”

  “We won’t let that happen,” Simon assured her.

  “Making amends with John made me realize how much I needed to forgive myself for some things I’d done.” Taking his hand, she held it between hers and searched his brown eyes. “I want you to know that you saved me, Simon. I don’t think I would have found the strength to go on with my life if you hadn’t helped me. I wish I’d treated you better. I’m sorry.”

  He furrowed his brow at her. “Treated me better? Caroline—”

  “I used you, Simon,” she said before he could come up with some reason to excuse her behavior. “I was in a miserable marriage, and instead of leaving, I…I used you to get through it.”

  “You didn’t use me,” he stated. “We were there for each other. There’s a difference.”

  “That’s kind of you to say, but I was incredibly selfish to get involved with you when I was married.”

  He shook his head. “I knew you were married, and I fell for you anyway. In case you’ve forgotten, I was the one who pushed things to go to the next level. I can’t blame you for not leaving your husband. You had a daughter to consider. You had a family. It was wrong of me to try to convince you to leave him.”

  “Fair enough, but I’m not only talking about our affair, Simon. You gave me a new life, and I… I returned your key with a thank-you note through the mail. You deserved more than that. I don’t know what would have happened to me if you hadn’t sent me to St. Louis. I’m scared to think what would have happened to me. I’m not sure I would have ever recovered.”

  He brushed his thumb over the wedding ring on her finger. “Did you find a good life?”

  “I found an amazing life.”

  “Then you gave me exactly what I wanted.” Meeting her gaze again, he smiled softly. “All I ever wanted for you was to find a way to be happy again. Now that I know you did, consider any debt you felt you owed me repaid.”

  Carol placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “Thank you. I know you wanted me to stay. I just couldn’t. Everything about this place, including you, reminded me of what I’d lost. If I’d stayed, I would have sabotaged what we had between us.”

  “Is he here? Your husband. I’d like to meet him.”

  Her heart grew heavy, as it did every time she had to explain where her husband was. “He passed away. A year ago today, actually.”

  Simon’s lips fell opened and his eyes widened. “Oh, no, Caroline.”

  “It was an accident. He went quickly. There’s some solace in that.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She smiled softly. “His name was Tobias. He was a good man. To be honest, he reminded me of you in a lot of ways, always so kind and considerate. You would have liked him. His family is here. I’ll introduce you. What about you? Married?”

  “Divorced. I don’t have to tell you how hard doctor hours can be on a relationship.”

  She nodded. “Kids?”

  “Two daughters. Emily and Christine. Both in college now. Did you have kids with Tobias?”

  Carol shook her head. “We tried, but…” Instead of going down that depressing tale, she tilted her head and smiled at him. “Did you have a good life?”

  “I did.”

  “Good. I’m happy for you.” She leaned to see around him when the front door opened. Ellen seemed hesitant to enter, and Carol nearly laughed. Knowing her aunt, she was expecting to walk in on some sordid scene.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” Ellen said. “There’s a reporter here to cover the ceremony.”

  “We’ll be right out,” Carol said. As soon as they were alone, she tightened her hold on Simon’s hands. “Thank you for being here. For always being there when I needed you.”

  “Caroline,” he said, holding on to her hand before she could stand. “I want you to know how much it’s eased my mind knowing you’re okay. I’ve always worried that you’d never recovered from your loss. I’m glad you were able to have a good life.”

  “Me too. We’ll talk more before you leave, okay?”

  “Definitely.”

  When she started to stand, he stood too. He followed her out of the house and into the role of hospital chief of staff. Carol hadn’t had to put on her executive persona for some time, but like Simon, she slipped into the role naturally. She detached herself from the emotion of the house and gave the reporter and Simon an official tour before introducing them to her family.

  As the afternoon progressed, she explained over and over that while her ex-husband was dying, they agreed this was the best way to honor their fun-loving, precious, slightly mischievous little girl. She had anticipated feeling drained after speaking about Katie all afternoon while simultaneously grieving the year anniversary of Tobias’s death, but by the time she ceremoniously handed over the keys to Simon, she felt like she was walking on air.

  Katie would never be forgotten. So long as the hospital stood and families needed the comfort of a home while caring for an ill child, someone would be here keeping Katie’s memory alive. Carol couldn’t have possibly anticipated how much that would fill her heart.

  She would never completely heal from the pain of losing her daughter, but Carol could go on knowing Katie would go on too.

  Having Simon there as the person she was giving this responsibility to was more than she could have asked. The fact that he was the one accepting this gift was fitting because his gift of a home to Carol so long ago was what had saved her.

  So, yes, she was exhausted by the time the gathering started to thin, but her heart was full. Even more so when Simon approached her with that bright smile of his on his face.

  “I should go,” he said, though he sounded as if he didn’t want to.

  She would have asked him to stay, but there was no logical reason for him to. The ceremony was done. The house now belonged to the hospital. Her family had started cleaning up the food and trash from the celebration. The party was over, but she didn’t want him to go.

  “When are you leaving?” he asked.

  “In the morning,” she said.


  “Dinner?”

  She gestured toward her in-laws. “Busy.”

  “Breakfast?”

  She gestured toward them again. “Busy.”

  Simon nodded, as if accepting that he was being blown off.

  “But I can walk you to your car.” She put her arm through his, and they strolled down the sidewalk. “Thank you for being here.”

  “Thank you for letting me.”

  “I’d like to stay in touch if that’s okay.”

  Simon put his hand over hers. “That’s more than okay. Did you say you’re in Houston now?”

  She bit her lip. “Well. Not anymore. I, um. I did something kind of crazy. I retired, sold everything, and am now living in my RV. So, technically, I live with my mother-in-law in St. Louis. But in reality, I’m a homeless drifter.”

  Simon laughed. “That’s great, Caroline.”

  “It is for now. I’m sure in another year or so I’ll find a place and replant some roots. For now, being on the move is keeping me going.”

  He stopped in front of a silver sedan and pulled a card from his pocket. He scribbled on the back and held it out to her. “My cell. Call me.”