Addiction

by Angela McPherson

  She pulled back, but I wrapped my other arm around her waist, trapping her against me.

  "I hate you," she yelled. More tears. I held her tighter. "I hate you," she said again in broken pieces. Her tiny body shook, trembling in my arms.

  "I love you, Elle. I'm not going anywhere."

  She sobbed and her body fell limp in my arms. I held her for a while. She needed to face everything, but she had to know I refused to let her do it alone. I wouldn't leave her like her piece of shit dad. I waited until her cries died down.

  "Baby, look at me." I pulled back. Strands of hair stuck to her cheeks. I plucked them away. The anger in in her eyes fell away to agony.

  "I can't live without you. I won't allow you to walk away from–" Words stuck in my throat, my vision blurred.

  Clearing away my own hurt, I went on. "You don't get to throw us away because you're scared."

  Elle brushed the wetness from under my eyes. "I love you, too, Tristan. I'm not saying goodbye. Did you even finish reading my note?" Her brow rose, and for the first time since before Heather died, she looked like herself.

  I swallowed, making sure my voice wouldn't waver. "Yes, but–"

  She placed her finger over my lips, her brow lifting higher. "If you promise to listen without interrupting me," she paused, "I'll explain."

  I nodded, and she slid her finger away. She studied my lips, and her breathing increased. Her cheeks reddened. God, I missed seeing that.

  Right then, I wanted to kiss her until she couldn't remember her name.

  She sighed and pushed away. "Let's sit on the couch, together."

  First sensible thing she'd said since I got here. "All right." I crossed my arms to keep from touching her when we sat.

  "You know how often I checked my email or phone a day?"

  I shook my head.

  "At the very least twenty times. I called local shelters every week, called my mom, too." Her voice cracked, and tears pooled in her eyes again. I moved closer, but she shook her head. "No, I'm okay. I just need to get this out."

  I clenched my jaw, but let her finish.

  "What I'm trying to say is that my life, in one way or another, has been about Heather. Good or bad, everything I did was for her. I miss her. I want her back, but I want me back, too."

  Her lips trembled. Was she trying to find her way without me? My gut rolled, bile threatening to come up.

  "I want to learn how to wake up without worrying. I want to be happy. I want to make you happy." Elle cupped my face, her eyes pleading with me to understand. I could see how much she needed to do this. Being away was going to hurt, but I would only cave on my own terms.

  "I'll agree on one condition."

  Worry clouded her eyes. She scraped her bottom lip between her teeth, nearly undoing me. "Okay," she agreed cautiously.

  "You'll hear from me every day. When I see you, I'm going to kiss you, touch you, remind you how much I need you." I paused, taking in her face, her lips, her eyes, and the way she looked at me now. For the first time since being a little kid, I was going to listen to my father's advice. "I'll wait for you, Spud. Always."

  Elle

  Life continued, slowly. Heather's face, her body, just an empty shell, in the hospital weighed on me… tormenting me. How much time did a broken heart need to heal?

  Apparently, a few weeks wasn't the answer.

  "You okay over there?" Alyssa scrunched her brows together.

  "Yep, all good." I wiped my eyes dry.

  "Okay, lying ass." Alyssa fell quiet for a second. Surprising.

  During this whole mess, she'd been supportive and nice. Very out of character, which made me smile. I loved her for sticking with me while I moped around the house.

  Never in a million years did I think she'd be the one comforting me while I was the one who cried, refused to leave the house, or get dressed. I hated the constant helpless ache that burrowed in my chest.

  "Don't forget we're going out tomorrow night."

  I groaned. "Fine."

  "Don't you even try to get out of this, or I will so kick your ass." She laughed. "Better yet, if you ditch me one more time…" She paused. I cringed. "I'll tell Ginger that Tristan is free."

  Low blow. "You're heartless. And I told you already I wouldn't skip out… this time."

  "Good. I'm going to sleep, for real. Night."

  "Night," I said yawning, only I wasn't tired.

  I slept all the time. Really, if it weren't for making sure I made Mr. Edwards' article deadlines and going to class or work, I'd stay holed up at home.

  An obnoxious row of snorts interrupted my thoughts. Alyssa wasn't kidding. She was out. Shit. I couldn't take another night of listening to her loud snoring.

  I grabbed my phone, a blanket and pillow, and shuffled to the couch for the night. Ginger had turned in early, and Tisha decided to stay at her parents' place, giving me freedom to watch whatever I wanted.

  Once situated, I caved and listened to Tristan's message–again.

  "Robbie is still a dick. Nearly kicked his ass. He's lucky I like playin' ball." He laughed, sending a blanket of warmth through me. I missed him so much.

  "Anyway," he said then paused. His voice dropped. This part of his messages always made my stomach twist with guilt. "I'm here, waiting. Love you." The message ended.

  True to his word, Tristan called at the end of every day. He talked about school, football, life, and ended his message with how much he loved and missed me. Every. Single. Day.

  God, I missed him. My chest felt empty, hollow with him gone. I'd picked up my phone to dial his number multiple times, but my fingers would tremble so badly I'd give up.

  Whoever said time healed all wounds didn't know crap. Tonight I missed him more than most. Probably because I saw him today near the field house. I was talking to some guy from the baseball team, getting a couple of quotes when I heard his deep voice. After that, I didn't hear anything but Tristan. I attempted to keep my attention on what the guy in front of me was saying, but my focus was elsewhere.

  He didn't see me. A mixture of excitement and dread fluttered in my stomach from the thought of him finding me, and then settled with relief when he didn't.

  Even from far away, hearing him, seeing him, sent a thrill through me. The same way helping him dress after his football injury drove me crazy. Especially one night in particular. The rhythm of my heart tripled its speed just thinking about it now.

  It was late and we'd both stayed up to study. We couldn't keep our eyes open any longer. I'd gone to his bathroom, changing into my worn-out T-shit and a comfy pair of his boxers I'd confiscated while being there. When I came out, Tristan sat on his bed struggling to get the rest of his shirt over his head. His shoulder was better, but he'd overworked it during training that day, and his muscles were sore and stiff.

  I walked over, laughing. "Ya need an extra set of hands?"

  "Just help me get out of this, would ya?"

  "I swear. What would you do without me?" He wiggled on the bed. "Hold still." I moved to stand between his legs. Slipping the material over his head, my fingers ran through his thick hair until I slinked the material off completely, careful not to hurt his shoulder. As my fingers skimmed over curves of muscle and smooth skin, mine burned in the process.

  What was supposed to be a simple act of helping turned into a slow seduction.

  I could feel him watching me. Shivers rolled down my body. My heart pounded and my breathing quickened. Using his good arm, Tristan ran the tips of his fingers down my side, and then gripping my hip, jerked me against his chest. I reached for his shoulder to balance myself, meeting his stare.

  His warm eyes bore into my soul and I leaned down. Our lips inches apart. I wanted that kiss. I ached to feel his hands everywhere… like now.

  I picked up my phone, looked at the numbers, and then tossed it to the opposite end of the couch. But, to hear his deep voice–

  No, I could wait. It was too late and…

  I le
aned across the couch and grabbed the damn thing. Scrolling through my contacts, I paused on his name. Closing my eyes, I pressed send.

  I wasn't going to. I had a plan. My plan sucked, but I needed to figure out what I wanted. As much as I loved Tristan, he was a painful reminder of how much I failed. I let Heather down, wasn't around when she needed me most. The image of her in the hospital would haunt me forever. I couldn't let anyone I cared about ever feel that sort of loss again.

  The line rang, my palms sweat. My heart pounded so loud in my ears I wondered if I'd be able to hear him pick up.

  "Spud."

  I heard. I froze. Shit.

  "Don't hang up."

  "Okay," I breathed out.

  "You still going tomorrow, right?"

  I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly.

  "Yeah, I'll be there."

  He let out a swoosh of air. "Great." I heard the smile in his voice, imagined the lines crinkled around his eyes and the way his lips lifted at the corner.

  "I miss you."

  "I miss you, too." My throat burned and tears streamed down my cheeks.

  "We don't have to talk. We can just sit here. I just…I don't want to hang up yet."

  "Okay," I croaked.

  Silence, but for the first time in weeks, I could breathe again. Tristan cleared his throat. I shook my head, grinning while picturing him on his couch, too.

  "Heather did this."

  Just like that, the calmness vanished, replaced by the suffocating tightness in my chest. He went on.

  "Not long after she was in rehab, she called, but didn't want to talk. She wanted to–" his voice fell quiet.

  Breathe.

  "I'm sorry. Do you want me to go on?"

  Yes. No? "Yeah, I want to know," I agreed, shaking my head even though I knew he couldn't see me.

  "She didn't want you to see her that way, messed up or whatever. When you saw her again, she wanted you to be proud of her. She looked up to you…"

  The more he talked, the lighter the weight pressed within my heart became. The sound of his voice put me at ease. His stories had me equal parts laughing and crying until my eyelids were too heavy to keep open.

  "Spud, you still with me."

  I nodded.

  "I can't see your head move." He laughed.

  "Sorry, I'm so tired." I yawned for the fifth time in a few minutes. "I don't want to hang up, but I can't keep my eyes open, and I know you have an early practice."

  "I miss this. Us. Talking."

  If I were not straining to stay awake, I would've cried. It's what I did. I cried. All the damn time.

  "I do, too. I'll see you tomorrow. Our first real date. Hey, Tristan?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Thank you, for everything. I'm getting there."

  Silence.

  "I can't see you nodding your head or smiling, ya know?" We both laughed.

  "See ya tomorrow, then," he said.

  "See ya."

  "I love you," he whispered, tired.

  "I love you… more."

  Tristan

  "Man, hold on. I need to change."

  "Dude, might as well call you a girl." Bret laughed.

  "Shut the fuck up."

  Bret was right. I changed my shirt five times. But this was mine and Elle's first date. First time being out with her since Heather died. We needed this, a new start. I wanted tonight to be perfect.

  "If your pansy ass isn't ready in five minutes, I'm leaving you here. Alyssa doesn't like it when I'm late."

  I tilted my head, looking at Bret with my brow cocked. He wasn't kidding. Poor bastard's face turned pale.

  "Who's the pussy now, bitch?"

  "Screw you. Hurry up, Daniels." He walked out, shaking his head. As his footsteps faded down the hall, I heard him on the phone. "Babe, we're running late, but it's Tristan's fault."

  "Pussy," I hollered, buttoning up my shirt.

  All right, it was go big or go home. My stomach cramped, worrying about all the possible shit that could go wrong. Thinking about the what-ifs ran circles in my head until I couldn't think straight. Sweat beaded across my forehead.

  "Daniels, hurry the fuck up."

  "I'm coming, dick." Bret was right; I'd turned into a chick.

  Thanks to my inability to get my head out my ass, the plan changed, and we were now meeting the girls for dinner and then dancing instead of us picking them up. Personally, I wanted to skip straight to the dancing. Any chance to touch or hold Elle sent my pulse, among other parts, into overdrive. Weeks. It'd been weeks since I'd touched her. Made love to her. Held her.

  "Earth to Tristan."

  I glanced over at Bret. "What?"

  Goofy bastard rolled his eyes. "I've been talking to you for the last five minutes."

  "I wasn't listening, obviously. Besides, you talk too damn much."

  "Whatever. Hey, there's a new dance club in town."

  I hadn't heard of anything new opening, not that I gave a shit. "Cool. I don't care where we end up."

  "Good," he said, turning up the radio. A Chris Young song played, and as many of them did, that one reminded me of Elle. "Who I Am With You" explained who I wanted to be, and with Elle, I aimed to be her everything.

  Ten minutes later, we pulled up to one of the best burger places in town. A long time ago, Elle and I agreed burgers should be in a food group of their own. Hell, Big Sky should be on that food show, the one that discovers hidden diners and shit. I watched it at night when I couldn't sleep. Basically, every fucking night.

  "Girls are inside waiting on us, come on." Bret checked himself out in the mirror before leaving his car. The consensus about guys not primping was based on a lie. Apparently.

  Outside, the cold breeze brought my heated temperature down. My legs turned heavy with each step that brought me closer to Elle. I'd known this woman my entire life and here I was acting like I'd never spoken to her.

  Before I opened the door, I took a few extras breaths to help keep me calm and then hurried in. Inside, the smell of bacon, fries, burgers, and green chilies made my stomach growl with hunger. I could probably eat two burgers.

  Then, her voice filtered over the noise as if she were the only person in the place. I counted to ten and looked up. There she was, laughing at something Alyssa had said.

  Jealousy immediately seeped in. I wanted to be the one who made her smile so big her face beamed. She shook her head, her light brown hair fanning around her small shoulders. Man, I missed running my fingers through the thick, soft layers.

  She'd lost weight. Her shirt hung on her body loosely, but not so much it completely hid her curves. My eyes traveled farther down. She wore black spiked heel boots. Fuck me. Hot.

  Deep-seeded fire pulsed through me, traveling down to the front of my jeans. All this and I hadn't even attempted to stroke her cheek, taste her lips… her anything. Son of a bitch, I hadn't even gotten around to saying a single word to her yet. But at that moment, I was completely satisfied blending with the walls, just to take in the beauty of her face as it lit up.

  "Tristan, you gonna order or stand there and stare."

  Elle turned in my direction. Her sharp green eyes grew wide with shock at first, but slowly changed. I watched every emotion unfold within them. The corner of her lips lifted slightly into a small grin.

  Her reaction, though not as excited as I'd hoped, worked for me.

  "Give me a second."

  Elle spun away, heading to the table with Alyssa. I stepped up to order my food, and the nerves acting up in my stomach settled down.

  "I'll have a green chili burger with everything on it, full order of bacon cheese fries, and a large Coke."

  My stomach disagreed, protesting for more food. The lady at the register tilted her head and frowned, staring at my stomach, but didn't comment. Once I paid, I walked as calmly as possible to the booth. Bret had already taken his place next to Amazon, leaving me the only seat I wanted.

  "About damn time, Tristan," Alyssa started in.
Figures.

  "Alyssa, leave him alone." I didn't care to see Amazon's reaction. My attention solely focused on Elle.

  She looked up, embarrassed, then shrugged. "What?" Her cheeks covered with pink, a sight I hadn't witnessed in far too long.

  "Nothing." I sat beside her. Her legs close to mine.

  "Which set of fries did you order?"

  "Bacon cheese, full."

  Her soft lips curved into an easy grin. I shifted in my seat, unable to focus on anything but the thought of them on mine.

  "I ordered green chili cheese fries, full order. We can share." Her voice dropped, and she stuttered over the last word.

  Slowly, I moved my eyes up to meet hers. Desire filled her gaze, and the color of her cheeks blossomed into a deep red. I swallowed hard.

  "Yup," I agreed. Tonight was going to be one of the longest nights of my life.

  During dinner, I used every excuse I could think of to touch Elle. Reaching across her, my arm brushed her breast. She stopped moving, talking. Alyssa kicked me under the table, but I ignored her.

  At one point, Elle had a smudge of mayo on her lip. I wanted to run my tongue across her mouth, but didn't. Baby steps.

  Instead, I used my napkin to wipe the area clean. She reached across my lap and grabbed my leg. Her chest rose quickly.

  The night continued with a touch here or there. Each time the need to connect us, intimately, nearly brought me to my knees. As I held out a hand for her, her trembling fingers lacing with mine, my heart jolted. Talking to her on the phone eased my addiction, but I was nowhere near sated.

  When dinner ended, we drove to the new club. Come to find out, Alyssa and Elle had told Bret about it beforehand. Regardless, the night was playing out better than I could've imagined.

  Tonight, I planned to up my game. Remind Elle what she was missing. What we were both missing, needing.

  Each other.

  Elle

  The second Tristan stepped foot into the restaurant, my body knew. As if he were a craving I didn't realize I had until he walked in. Every part of me was sensitive to his presence. When he sat beside me in the booth, my skin heated. There was no denying the shared chemistry between us. The way he smelled, holy shit. He was the main dish being served. My mouth watered, and I licked my lips, ready for a taste.