Addiction

by Angela McPherson

  I lifted her chin, searching her face. Running my thumb across her lips, I wanted her more with every passing second. "I don't… I–" I closed my eyes, resting our foreheads together.

  "Please, I love you."

  And she undid me.

  I crashed my lips to hers, picking her up in one swift motion. Her lips moved with mine, eager for more. I squeezed her thighs, her legs wrapped around my waist as I moved us back to my bed. Elle wove her fingers through my hair and tugged. Her passion excited me, but that wasn't enough. No, I wanted her hands touching me. The pressure of her naked body rubbing with mine.

  "I've missed you," she rasped, urging me to remove the layers of clothing that separated us. We broke apart when she grabbed my shirt and jerked it off and over my head. I kicked out of my jeans, freeing the ache. Bringing her back to me, I unclasped her bra. The black lacy material fell to the ground and I pressed her against me, needing the contact of her skin next to mine. The connection branded me. Her touch was the only therapy I'd ever need.

  It was like I'd been frozen all this time without her. Touching her thawed me.

  "I need you. Now. Baby, I can't wait."

  She backed away, scooting on her back up to the top of my bed. I growled, crawling over her, fitting between her legs.

  I'd missed her body, her everything. Listening to her breaths turn into erotic cries burned through me until I ached with… Fuck. I had to be inside her. I couldn't go slow, not now. "I'm going to take you, hard."

  She bit her lip, breasts rising and falling with each quickened breath.

  "And then I'm going to take you again."

  I reached between her legs, dipping a finger inside. I closed my eyes, gnashing my teeth together. "Oh, God. You're so wet." Elle threw her head back and moaned.

  "Please." Her words came out in a fractured pant as I circled my thumb over her sensitive flesh. "I want you. Take me." She lifted her head, heat pouring from her charged eyes. Color filled her cheeks. I increased the rhythm. Her hips moved faster against my hand.

  I slid my finger from her just as her body clenched around it. "Baby, you're so tight." Red blossomed across her face. Fucking incredible, but I wanted to watch her, see the look in her eyes when we connected.

  "Look at me." It took Elle a few seconds to focus, but when she did, there was no denying the fire she felt. I was painfully ready to bury myself inside her. Hovering above her, I positioned my tip over her soft folds and rocked into her.

  We both moaned. She wrapped her legs around my waist, allowing me to go deeper. Bliss. I pulled out and rammed into her again, harder this time. She dragged her nails down my back as I drove in and out. God, she felt good. Being with her felt right. Her breath hitched indicating how close she was to losing herself.

  "Tris–" I kissed her.

  "Open your eyes. I want you to look at me when you come." She obliged, scraping her bottom lip between her teeth. Pumping into her once more, she cried out her release and I followed behind.

  Elle

  My eyes opened. I blinked. First mistake. My brain pounded within my skull. My mouth felt dry and sticky like I'd sucked on a lemon while eating mothballs. Why in the hell had I taken all those shots? Drinking was highly overrated. Starting the day could wait a little bit longer. I closed my eyes… a flash. Tristan's hands, eager to please. His lips, soft and warm as they explored my body flooded in. My eyes opened wide.

  Sunlight spilled in through the cracks in Tristan's blinds. Oh, God. What had I done? Tristan stirred beside me. I turned to find him on his back with one arm bent over his head. My pulse raced. The sheets shifted when he moved, exposing his well-defined stomach muscles. Another flash. His warm brown eyes and the indecision in them when I begged him to be with me.

  Mistake number two.

  Being as careful as possible, I slipped away from Tristan. Standing, I scanned his room. Nothing had changed. His clothes were in a mess on the floor next to his hamper. The same as before we'd left for Christmas… when everything changed.

  My clothes were scattered with Tristan's, though I had a hard time picking out whose were whose through the incessant tears filling my eyes. My shaking hands didn't help either, but I did manage to piece myself back together.

  Before I left, I watched Tristan sleeping. Another flash from last night filtered through my mind.

  "I love you, Elle. When you were gone, I–" He frowned, and I cupped his cheek, knowing exactly what he meant.

  He went on. "I was a mess, too, ya know. I'm not whole unless you're with me."

  I looked away, terrified that I'd stay, and I couldn't. Tristan holding me, making love to me last night, protecting me from everything that'd gone wrong was a huge step back.

  I panicked. Mistake number three.

  Tristan

  I reached across the bed to pull Elle next to me, already missing the warmth her naked body provided. When I met empty space, I rolled over. Nothing. I didn't feel the need to worry. Yet.

  "Spud?" She didn't reply. I sat up and looked around. My bathroom door was open and the room dark. I jumped out of bed, heading to the living room. A car engine roared to life.

  "What the fuck?" I ran to open my door and found Elle backing out of my driveway. Tears. She was fucking crying. I ran.

  "Elle, what's wrong?" She ignored me, peeling down the road.

  "Hey there, sexy."

  I realized I hadn't bothered with clothes when I darted after my fucking girlfriend, butt-assed naked, in my front yard.

  I hurried back inside and grabbed my phone. Dialing her number, I hit send. The call went straight to voicemail. Dammit. I chucked the phone on my couch and stormed into my room. I yanked a shirt off a hanger and jerked it on. My mind raced with questions as I jumped into a pair of jeans. What made her leave?

  She didn't bother with an excuse, whether it be irrational or not, I deserved that much. Anger poured in the more I thought about it. Finished dressing, I snatched my keys and bulldozed out the door.

  Less than five minutes later, I was in Elle's driveway. I tried to remain calm, thinking maybe… fuck it. I didn't know what had gotten into her head. On the way to the door, I told myself I'd be understanding.

  I knocked. She answered, in the same clothes she wore last night, her brown hair matted in the back. The tension around her eyes told me something was wrong. The knot in my stomach that formed on the way over tightened.

  "Are you gonna let me in?" My voice cracked at the end.

  She looked away. Without saying a word, she opened the door wider.

  Inside, music played from one of the rooms. Fresh coffee wafted in the air as if everything were fine, like today was just any other day. Deep down I knew it was anything but.

  "Tristan, I tried to tell you I wanted to go slow." Elle was behind me, fitting since she'd just stabbed me in the fucking back.

  I spun around, praying to God she wasn't about to say what I suspected. I folded my arms over my chest, too pissed to move closer and sure as fuck too mad to talk.

  She didn't need an invitation, and went on without being prompted. "I don't know how to make you understand."

  I laughed at the absurdity of her words. Before I knew it, I was rushing to her. Our eyes locked the entire time, reminding me of last night when we both fell over the edge.

  I backed her up against the wall, trapping her between my arms. Sure as shit, it turned me on and it did her, too. Her steady breathing escalated, her pupils dilated, and her mouth fell slightly open. Something was definitely wrong with us; we were both fucking insane.

  I bent down to eye level. "I don't get you. One minute you're undressing me, ready to fuck me in front of a crowd full of people. And let's not forget about last night." She flinched. "Do you remember last night?" I leaned next to her ear. "Do you remember how you begged me to fuck you? How hot you were for me?"

  Her body stiffened under mine, but I wasn't finished. No, I wanted her to feel as miserable as she'd made me.

  "How wet you
were when I rocked into you over and over, and now you're back to not ready." I pushed away, gauging her reaction. I'd say I'd hit a chord.

  "You know what? Go to hell," she screamed in my face. "Maybe it'd be easier to let you in if I could trust you."

  I laughed…again. "Trust is a two-way street, baby." Her fury pushed me forward. I rolled my hips into her, relishing the sweet sound of her soft moan. I hated the way she affected me. Yeah, she wanted me, and just as bad as I wanted her. Why couldn't she see that? What was in her head?

  "I know you want…" I pressed my lips against her skin, trailing a path down her neck to her collarbone, "this. Stop fighting me… us." I kept my eyes closed, afraid of what I'd find while looking into her eyes. "We're supposed to be a team. We can work this out. Whatever it is. Please," I begged. The empty desperation in my voice sunk in, creating a sore lump in my throat. I felt like I was choking on lost hope. Opening my eyes, I backed away.

  "I never said I didn't want you," she whispered.

  I didn't understand this woman. "What the hell does that mean? Then what's the problem?"

  "I can't do this. I don't trust myself with you. I need–"

  I stopped listening and stepped farther away.

  "Grow up. You know what? Forget that. I give up. Take all the goddamn time you need. I'm done." I turned to go, to get away from her and her sorry-ass excuses.

  "Grow up? I've been telling you the same thing for weeks, but you refuse to listen. I need space, and yeah that means away from you," she bit out and then paused. "You took her away from me," she cried behind me.

  Boiling rage bubbled in my gut. I twisted back around. "When are you going to get it in your thick head that she didn't want you? She called me." Fuck, I didn't mean for it to come out the way it sounded. Angry tears rolled down her face.

  "You just lost me. Get out. Go." She screamed so loud her voice broke as she shoved me toward the door.

  "You can't lose someone you never fucking had," I shouted back as I stormed out, slamming the door behind me.

  Bret pulled up with Alyssa just then. Not in the mood, I moved past his car to mine and jumped in before either one of them tried to stop me. So much for trying to be understanding. I drove away from Elle, from us. Any possibility of our future shattered the second I walked out of her house.

  I barely remember driving to my house and getting out of the car... or unlocking the front door and slamming it shut. Didn't make me feel any better so I grabbed my phone from where I threw it on the couch and smashed it to pieces. Still not feeling any better, I headed to my kitchen. Grabbing the legs of a barstool, I picked it up and hammered the kitchen wall with it. The wood splintered over my head.

  "Feel any better?"

  My pulse beat wildly in my chest. I spun around and found Bret standing in my living room.

  "Nope."

  Bret shook his head, closing the door. "You gonna be all right?"

  "Yup." I eyed the room, looking for something else to smash.

  Bret scratched his head. "I, ah, wanted to apologize for the way I acted last night."

  "No worries." Actually, I didn't give a shit.

  "She just pisses me off sometimes."

  I really did not want to hear his mopey ass right now.

  "Did you know that one of those girls kissed me last night?" His face paled.

  I laughed, anger dying down by a fraction. "You're a slow-ass not to have noticed."

  "Yeah, well, I was pissed. Alyssa should've said something."

  "Listen, man. I get it. She should have told you. But, ah, give her a break. She's been through some serious shit. She pushes people away." I'd listened to Paul cry over that woman, too, but for whatever reason, Alyssa couldn't let him in. Maybe Bret could. Fuck, what did I care? "Just don't call her a bitch."

  He cocked his head to the side, and frowned.

  "What?"

  "Maybe you should take your own advice, man."

  Should've seen that one coming to bite me in the ass. "This is different. Drop it."

  "You don't think Elle hasn't been through a lot of shit?"

  "Goddammit. I said leave it alone."

  "You're a prick, man. I thought you loved her and shit."

  And shit? What was he, five? Of course I loved her, but… but what she did was messed up. "I don't know."

  "Listen, give her space. I don't know… maybe find a hobby or something to keep her off your mind."

  Yeah, like that was going to work. "Got it. Anything else you'd like to fix, Dr. Phil?"

  "I'm serious, man. Don't give up on her. You didn't see how broken she was when you left."

  I took a step forward, hands fisted and ready to pound his ass. Bret raised his hands in front of him.

  The fight drained from my body, leaving it hollow. "Fine. I'll let things cool down for a while. Get a hobby and shit, right?"

  Thing is, I knew better. I knew Elle wasn't ready, but that didn't excuse what she did either. Bret stopped my thoughts.

  "Let's order pizza. I'm starving. You can clean this shithole up while we wait. I'll supervise."

  "Fuck you. Pizza sounds good. Let's go out." Anywhere but here.

  "Cool, I'll drive."

  On our way, I thought about what Bret had suggested. I couldn't cook worth shit. Elle always complained about me not even being able to cook toast. I could do that–learn how to make a meal. I turned to Bret. Yeah, his ass was coming with me.

  "I figured out what to do with my time."

  He glanced at me and grinned. "Let's hear it."

  "I'm gonna take a cooking class."

  He laughed.

  "Don't laugh asshole, you're joining me."

  Dead silence.

  Elle

  My heart ached as if Tristan had actually slammed the door on the vital organ in my chest. My legs buckled from under me and I crumbled to the ground. I warred with running to him or learning to move forward on my own.

  "Oh, my God." Alyssa's arms wrapped around me. I hadn't heard her come inside. "Elle, honey, what happened?" I didn't have the energy to say it was over.

  I shook my head instead. Racked with guilt, violent tears rushed down my face. This pain was completely different than when Heather died. Or when I overheard Tristan and Mom talking in the hospital. This felt like I'd just lost everything I'd ever wanted, or needed.

  "Bret, go kick his ass." Alyssa shook my shoulders. "Dammit, Elle."

  Quiet shuffling made its way across the hardwood floor next to us. Bret stood, hovering. "Um…"

  The part of me that believed in happily ever after died.

  "I swear to God, if you do not talk to me I'm calling your mom." She backed away, searching my face for answers I wasn't ready to give.

  "I can't," I said, but going by the uncertain look on Alyssa's face, she'd not understood me. I tried again. "I–I lost him… for good this time." My words came out as broken as I felt.

  "Oh, honey." Alyssa squeezed me to her. I held on, soaking in her strength. "Hey, I'm going to walk Bret out, but I'll be back." I nodded. Alyssa helped me to my feet. I couldn't look at Bret or Alyssa as they went outside.

  I wandered to our bedroom and crashed on my bed, defeated and emotionally exhausted. This ripping, burning rawness in my chest loosened little by little the more I calmed down. Alyssa walked in a bit later, tears shining in her blue eyes. Knowing it was my turn to comfort, I walked over to her. The second I hugged her, she broke down.

  For the first time in years, Alyssa cried over a guy.

  "Elle, I don't want this. I don't do vulnerable. I can't deal with what you're going through."

  I hugged her, understanding what she meant. "It's okay to fall in love, ya know."

  She backed away, terror filling her eyes. "No. It isn't."

  "You know Bret is different, right? He cares about you. He isn't Paul and–"

  She stood, balling her hands into angry fists. "This has nothing to do with Paul. Just drop it."

  After all this time an
d she still wouldn't let anyone close enough to love her. I had to say something. I refused to let her give up on the chance to experience what Tristan and I shared… or did, I wasn't sure what we were at the moment. My heart clenched.

  "Alyssa, you're an ass. Bret is a great guy. I said you should've told him about the bar, but you wouldn't listen."

  Her expression held steady. Stubborn.

  "You don't have to say I love you. Just don't throw away the chance to love him… someday."

  "You're one to talk." She raised her brow.

  "We've been over this," I repeated, feeling the weight of what'd happened today seep into my chest, crushing my heart a little more in the process.

  "We suck."

  "We'll be okay," I said. I wasn't sure if I believed it, but I had to give this a shot.

  Alyssa didn't understand why I wanted, no, needed to keep my distance from Tristan. Falling into him was never an issue. Tripping, falling flat on my face, head-over-heels, or any other description used for falling in love with someone, I'd already done it. I'd loved him for as long as I could remember. Now I wanted to stand on my own, with him beside me, not because I couldn't do it without him. Maybe my reasoning was stupid, but after seeing how dependent Heather was on someone else, I didn't want to be that person… and I was when I was with Tristan. His happiness came first, always.

  Tristan was the only man I wanted. He'd pissed me off today, but I didn't want to fight. I'd hurt him. The only thing I could hope was that–in time–he'd forgive me. But I wasn't ready to commit to more.

  I got up and out of bed several times during the night. Even though everything in me wanted to, I didn't cave and run to Tristan's house. I picked up my journal instead. Writing helped steady my focus. But sleep was inevitable and I ended up crying myself to sleep that night, and the next, and the next few days after that.

  Elle

  Weeks fell into months, and while the ache remained, I learned to push onward. Running helped. Seemed the best way to get out of my head, too. As long as I stayed busy, I wasn't depressed with what once was or what could have been. Some days sucked more than others, but I found a sort of normal pace.