Custardly Wart

by Alan MacDonald

  This was received with a good deal of grumbling.

  ‘I’m bored of being on board,’ complained Angela.

  ‘Me too,’ moaned Rose.

  ‘And me,’ added George. ‘I want to go to the island and dig for treasure!’

  Everyone started to talk at once but the Captain settled the argument by saying there would be an extra ration of biscuits for everyone who stayed behind. In the end it was decided the landing party would be made up of the Captain, Mr Mate, Custardly and Dobbs (the Captain because it was his boat and the others because he said so).

  Later that afternoon they dragged their rowing boat ashore and beached it on the grey sand. Custardly walked a little way up the beach and bent to pick something up.

  ‘Someone’s been here before,’ he said.

  ‘Don’t talk bilge,’ scoffed the Captain. ‘This island is deserted.’

  ‘Then how do you explain this?’ asked Custardly, holding up a soggy black sock.

  ‘All kinds of things get washed up,’ shrugged the Captain. Nevertheless, Custardly noticed he drew his cutlass and kept glancing about him as they went on.

  ‘Stick together and follow me,’ he said, bravely striding on ahead. He hadn’t got far when he vanished from sight with a surprised yell.

  The others rushed forward and found him lying face down at the bottom of a deep hole.

  ‘Beg’n your pardon, Captain, but what are you doing down there?’ asked Mr Mate.

  ‘MMMNNNFFFGGGH!’ replied the Captain through a mouthful of sand.

  The mate shook his head. ‘Looks to me like you fell in a hole.’

  ‘You’ll be in a hole if you don’t pull me out!’ threatened the Captain, scrambling to his feet.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ said Custardly. ‘A hole doesn’t just appear. How did it get here?’

  ‘Well, obviously someone must have dug it,’ replied Dobbs.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Custardly. ‘And if someone dug it then that means –’

  What it meant became clear as a wild rabble burst out of the trees and poured towards them, brandishing cutlasses and yelling like savages.

  ‘RARRGGHHHHH!’

  Mr Mate was so surprised he took a step backwards and fell into the hole, landing on top of the Captain. Dobbs and Custardly both tried to run but collided and tumbled in too. Once they had stopped struggling and had sorted out who was on top of who, they looked up to find seven ugly faces scowling down at them. Something about their ragged clothes, gold earrings and unshaven faces made Custardly suspect they were pirates.

  ‘Well, well, if it ain’t our old mate Captain Yellerbelly!’ sneered the pirate with a gold tooth, who seemed to be the leader. The Captain settled his squashed hat back on his head and stood up.

  ‘Sly Morgan, Runnynose Ralph and Neffy Norris,’ he said. ‘What a treat to see you boys again. I’ve been worried sick.’

  Sly Morgan spat on the ground. ‘Worried, eh? Strange, that, because you’re the scurvy knave that took the ship and left us here to die.’

  ‘Macarooned!’ wailed Neffy Norris, startling a cloud of flies buzzing around him.

  ‘Lads, lads!’ said the Captain, sweating a little. ‘You’ve got this all wrong. You don’t think I’d abandon my own crew? Why do you think I’ve come back?’

  Mr Mate tugged at his sleeve. ‘Beg’n your pardon, Captain, but you said we was coming back for the treasure.’

  ‘No I didn’t,’ said the Captain, glaring at him.

  ‘Yes you did. ‘Cos I said what about Sly and the others? And you said they’re probably dead by now and who cares ‘cos it’s all the more treasure for us.’

  An uncomfortable silence followed this speech. The pirate gang toyed with their cutlasses and fiddled with their pointy sticks. It was Custardly who spoke next.

  ‘So hang on, you’ve been to this island before?’

  ‘Well, I may have passed by,’ admitted the Captain.

  ‘Oh he knows this island all right,’ said Sly Morgan. ‘It was him persuaded us to come and look for Black Jack Mulligan’s treasure. But there never was no gold, was there, Captain? Five days we searched this island from top to tail and we never found a farthing. We was all for giving up but the Captain says, “Just one more day, lads. One more day and our luck will turn.” Well, our luck turned all right – the very next night that’s when they came.’

  ‘They?’ said Custardly. ‘Who?’

  ‘Ah, so you ain’t told them yet, Captain?’ Sly Morgan smiled. ‘Funny that should slip your mind.’

  ‘Told us what?’ asked Custardly. ‘What are you talking about?’

  Sly Morgan glanced at the sky and lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘The flying fiends,’ he said.

  Custardly raised his eyebrows. Maybe these pirates had been on the island so long they were starting to imagine things.

  ‘Oh, think I’m mad, do you?’ said Morgan. ‘Then ask the Captain. Ask him why he scarpered with the boat and left us to die.’

  The pirates murmured darkly among themselves and closed in around the hole. Custardly had a feeling things were about to turn ugly.

  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘It’s been lovely chatting, but if you don’t mind we really ought to be getting back to the ship.’ He reached up a hand to the edge of the hole, but a heavy boot trod on his fingers.

  ‘Not so fast – you ain’t going nowhere,’ sneered Sly Morgan. ‘This time it’ll be us taking the ship. You and your mates can stay here and keep the Captain company.’

  Neffy Norris suddenly pointed past them, out to sea. ‘The ship! She’s shrinking!’

  ‘She isn’t shrinking,’ said Runnynose Ralph, ‘she’s heading out to sea!’

  They all turned to look at The Salty Gherkin which had left the bay and was now getting smaller and smaller.

  ‘Mr Mate!’ roared the Captain. ‘Didn’t I order you to drop anchor?’

  ‘Of course, Captain,’ said the mate. ‘I dropped it downstairs where no one would trip over it.’

  ‘You dozy barnacle! I meant drop it overboard!’

  Custardly groaned. ‘But if the ship’s not anchored it could drift for miles! How are we going to get home?’

  The pirates stared after The Salty Gherkin as it headed out to sea, sailing ever further from the island.

  Neffy Norris sank to his knees. ‘We’re macarooned!’ he wailed.

  Chapter 8

  A Bunch of Knots

  The sun was sinking and so were Custardly’s hopes of ever seeing his friends again. By now the ship might be miles away. As it grew darker, their captors seemed nervous and took them back to a ramshackle hut in the woods. It stank of dead fish, woodsmoke and Neffy Norris’s smelly socks. Custardly watched Runnynose Ralph tying rope round Dobbs’s ankles.

  ‘You’re not going to leave it like that, are you?’ asked Dobbs.

  ‘Like what?’ sniffed Ralph.

  ‘Like that. It’s a granny knot. Even a five-year-old could untie it!’

  Runnynose Ralph looked worried. ‘You’re not thinking of escaping, are you?’ he growled. ‘Only you’ll get me in trouble.’

  ‘That’s why you should always use a reef knot,’ said Dobbs.

  ‘A whatnot?’

  ‘No, a reef knot. It’s what sailors use. They’re impossible to untie.’

  Ralph wiped his nose with his sleeve. ‘I was never very good at knots.’

  ‘Start again and I’ll show you,’ offered Dobbs. ‘Now, take one end and make a loop …’

  Custardly rolled his eyes. Here they were, prisoners of a cut-throat gang of pirates, and all Dobbs could think of was knot-tying lessons. He glanced around the hut. Two of the pirates leaned in the doorway while the others sat watching the sky through the windows. All of them seemed to be afraid of something. Just then Sly Morgan swept in wearing the Captain’s lace-trimmed hat.

  ‘Avast there!’ he cried, striking a captainly pose with his hands on his hips.

  No one took much notice. Neffy Norris looked up. ‘Wha
t about the prisoners, Sly?’

  ‘Call me Captain! I told you before,’ said Sly sulkily.

  ‘Sorry, Captain, but what shall we do with ’em?’

  ‘Put crabs down their trousers!’ grinned Toothless Tim.

  ‘Or sand in their boots!’

  ‘Make them eat Neffy Norris’s seaweed stew!’ cried Runnynose Ralph.

  ‘Quiet, you swabs!’ roared Sly Morgan. ‘I’m the Captain round here and I say what we do with ’em. It’s going to be something so wicked and bad that only a captain could have thought of it.’

  ‘What?’ said the dim-witted pirates, crowding round eagerly.

  Sly lowered his voice. ‘All right, boys, I say we take ’em into the woods and leave ’em.’

  The pirates nodded. ‘Yes?’

  ‘In the dark. By themselves. Without a lantern.’

  ‘But Captain, if we leave them, won’t they escape?’ asked Runnynose Ralph.

  ‘Curses!’ muttered Sly. ‘I never thought of that.’

  The Captain, who had been listening closely to all this, shook with laughter.

  ‘And what’s so funny?’ growled Sly, turning on him.

  ‘You, Sly Morgan. Thinking that wearing my hat makes you a captain.’

  Sly Morgan glared furiously. ‘I’m more of a captain than you are! You couldn’t captain … a carrot.’

  ‘Oh no? Well, you couldn’t captain a cabbage!’ the Captain shot back.

  ‘And you couldn’t captain a plate of peas!’

  This exchange of vegetables could have gone on for some time but the Captain changed tack. ‘Well, if you’re so clever, why ain’t you found Mulligan’s treasure?’ he taunted. ‘You’ve had long enough to look for it.’

  Sly Morgan glowered. ‘There never was no treasure and you know it.’

  ‘Is that so?’ The Captain caught Custardly’s eye and gave him a wink. ‘Then what if I was to tell you that Black Jack Mulligan left a treasure map?’

  This got the pirates’ attention and they gathered round, their eyes shining with greed.

  ‘A treasure map?’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Pay no attention. He’s lying,’ growled Sly Morgan.

  The Captain shrugged. ‘You’re the captain. I’m sure you know best, shipmate.’ He hummed a sea shanty to himself.

  This only enraged Sly Morgan all the more and he whipped out a dagger from his belt. ‘Show us then! If you’ve got Mulligan’s map, let’s see it!’

  The Captain laughed. ‘Oho! You don’t think I’m fool enough to carry it around?’

  Mr Mate looked up. ‘Captain …’

  ‘It’s back on the ship,’ said the Captain, ignoring him. ‘I left it in my cabin.’

  ‘Well, what use is that? The ship is gone!’ cried Sly Morgan.

  The Captain shuffled a little closer on his bottom. ‘But think, shipmate, maybe it ain’t too late. If we was to go after them in the boat, we might still catch ’em. Bring me to the ship and the map is yours, pirate’s honour.’

  ‘He’s right,’ said Runnynose Ralph. ‘Maybe it’s not too late.’

  ‘But Captain …’ interrupted Mr Mate.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Sly Morgan. ‘This sounds like a scurvy trick to me. How do I know you won’t double-cross me once we reach the ship? Maybe you’ve got men on board waiting to spring an ambush.’

  The Captain, who had been thinking exactly that, pretended to look hurt. ‘Shipmate! When did I ever tell you a lie?’

  ‘But Captain, listen!’ Mr Mate finally butted in. ‘We don’t need the ship because the map’s in your pocket. I saw you put it there!’

  Sly Morgan laughed, showing his gold tooth. ‘Ahaar! So who’s clever now? Search his pockets, boys!’

  The Captain glared at his mate. ‘You dozy dog! Why can’t you keep your big mouth shut?’

  It didn’t take long for the pirates to find the map. Sly Morgan seized it and spread it out on a wooden box in the glow of a lantern. The rest of the pirates crowded round, pushing and shoving to get a better look. For a minute Morgan studied the map in silence, frowning at the words he couldn’t read, then he brought his fist down with a thump.

  ‘What kind of map do you call this?’ he roared. ‘Where’s the X marks the spot?’

  The Captain shrugged. ‘Search me, mate. You’re the clever one – you work it out.’

  Custardly smiled to himself. Even if the pirates found the riddle on the back, they didn’t have the brains to solve it. Dobbs had been struggling for the past two days to make sense of the clues. He watched Neffy Norris and Ralph fight over the map which was in danger of being torn to pieces.

  Sly Morgan suddenly raised a hand in the air and shouted above the noise.

  ‘Silence you swabs! LISTEN!’

  Everyone stopped shouting and listened. Custardly noticed many of the pirates had turned deathly pale. Then he heard it – a drumming, whirring noise filling the air like a whirlwind approaching.

  ‘It’s them!’ gasped Neffy Norris. ‘They’re coming!’

  ‘The fiends!’ whimpered Runnynose Ralph.

  ‘Courage, lads! Stand by your posts!’ trembled Sly Morgan, snuffing out the light. But the terrified pirates weren’t standing at all. They had dived under beds and blankets or anything they could find, where they lay quivering like jellies. The only two left sitting upright were Custardly and Dobbs. The noise in their ears grew louder and louder …

  Chapter 9

  Attack!

  A moment later it sounded like large hailstones were thudding off the roof of the hut. Through the window Custardly glimpsed black shapes as big as buzzards swooping and diving, trying to find a way in. The Captain was huddled in a corner with Mr Mate on his lap, whimpering like a baby. Custardly shuffled under a table, where he found Dobbs had already taken refuge. They had to shout to make themselves heard above the din.

  ‘What are they?’ yelled Custardly.

  ‘Bats!’

  ‘They’re monsters!’

  ‘Hamsters?’

  ‘No, I said … never mind!’

  At that moment one of the giant bats came crashing through the roof in a flurry of sticks and leaves. It plummeted towards the ground then righted itself with a flap of its wings. Custardly saw its cruel black eyes and squashed, ugly face as it flapped wildly through the hut, seeking a victim.

  Sly Morgan lost his nerve and broke from his hiding place. In an instant the bat swooped after him. For a moment it looked as if it might carry him off, then he struck out with his sword and the thing was out through the door, sweeping off into the night.

  The beating of wings gradually died away and all was quiet.

  Very slowly the pirates crept out of their hiding places, looking pale and shaken.

  ‘Yikes!’ said Custardly. ‘What was THAT?’

  ‘The fiends,’ said Runnynose Ralph. ‘Every night they come. Three months ago they took Seasick Sid.

  We never seen him again.’

  ‘But what are they?’ asked Custardly.

  ‘Bats, I told you,’ said Dobbs.

  The Captain shook his head. ‘I never seen bats the size of that.’

  ‘That’s not surprising,’ said Dobbs. ‘From what I saw they’re a very rare species. Desmodus humongous.’

  ‘And what’s that if you don’t speak French?’ asked the Captain.

  ‘It means Giant Vampire Bat.’

  ‘Vampires?’ Custardly gulped. ‘You mean they actually drink blood?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Dobbs. ‘It’s what they live on. Cow’s blood, sheep’s blood – they drink anything they can find.’

  ‘But not, you know … human blood?’ said Custardly.

  Dobbs shrugged. ‘Actually, I don’t think they’re too fussy.’

  Late into the night, Sly Morgan and his gang sat up poring over Mulligan’s map and arguing over how the treasure should be divided. Sly claimed that as captain he had a right to a bigger slice of the cake than anyone else. Runnynose Ralph grumble
d that if there was any cake it ought to be shared equally. Neffy Norris said that he liked chocolate cake best. Toothless Tim worried that if the cake had been buried for years it might have gone stale. The argument went on while the pirates passed round the flask of grog they’d found in the Captain’s pocket. At long last they crawled under their blankets and fell asleep one by one.

  The Captain shuffled over to the others on his bottom. ‘Shipmates!’ he hissed. ‘Now’s our chance to escape!’

  Custardly gave him a look. ‘How can we when we’re tied up?’

  ‘We can hop!’ said the Captain. ‘Follow me!’

  He struggled to his feet and hopped towards the door. Hopping with both feet tied together isn’t easy at any time but hopping with your hands tied behind your back makes it almost impossible. The Captain wobbled, tripped over Mr Mate’s legs and collapsed in a heap.

  Over by the door, Sly Morgan stirred in his sleep and clutched the treasure map to his chest.

  ‘This is hopeless!’ groaned Custardly.

  ‘Wouldn’t it be easier if someone untied us?’ whispered Dobbs.

  ‘Oh, good idea!’ said Custardly sarcastically. ‘And who’s going to do that?’

  Dobbs did something behind his back that involved a lot of wriggling around and pulling faces. When he brought out his hands he was holding a piece of rope and looking pleased with himself.

  ‘Wow!’ said Custardly, impressed. ‘Where did you learn that?’

  Dobbs shrugged. ‘Reef knots are easy peasy.’

  ‘I thought you said they were impossible to untie.’

  ‘Yes, sorry, I sort of lied about that,’ admitted Dobbs. ‘The reef knot’s fine if you just want to fasten a sail but if you want something stronger –’

  ‘Dobbs,’ interrupted Custardly.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Maybe we could talk about knots after we’ve escaped?’

  ‘Oh, OK. Just let me untie my feet,’ said Dobbs.

  Ten minutes later the four of them emerged on to the beach, panting for breath. The Captain had rescued his hat while the mate held a lantern he’d stolen to light their way.