Conscious Decisions of the Heart

by John Wiltshire

  “I told her everything. I was totally honest. What’s the point of seeing a doctor unless you’re honest to a fault? Please give me some credit.”

  “Nothing wrong? What about the seeing things?”

  Nikolas gritted his teeth. “It’s all perfectly normal, apparently, and it’ll stop.” He tapped one of the little bottles. “I’ve a minor head injury from which I’ll recover fully—if I keep to my current healthy lifestyle, that is.”

  Ben was speechless for a moment. “What healthy lifestyle?”

  Nikolas smirked suddenly. “That’s what I thought, too.”

  Ben gave him a really angry look and suddenly punched Nik on the arm. “So, what you’re saying is you brought this on yourself by drinking and smoking and—Stop it!”

  Nikolas was still laughing. He seemed to find his own stupidity quite funny. Ben was shaking from rage as much as from the cold now. Suddenly, Nikolas twisted and straddled him, forcing him down on the bed. “You need to warm up.”

  Ben put a hand up and cupped his cheek. “Are you telling me the truth about this?”

  “Would I lie to you?”

  Ben would’ve answered, but they were too busy kissing. He rolled Nikolas off him and lay alongside, slowly unbuttoning his waistcoat and shirt, sliding cold hands in on warm skin. He peeled the shirt open, exposing the beautiful bare chest then slid his hand lower and cupped Nik through the suit. He propped himself up on his elbow, working Nikolas through the cloth until he arched and stopped him. Nikolas stood and stripped out of the rest of his clothes. He climbed back on, straddling Ben once more. His skin was warm everywhere, Ben’s still cold. It was an interesting contrast and one that needed exploring and equalising. While they were still at this stage, just kissing and playing, Nikolas murmured almost too softly for Ben to hear, “I may need your assistance.” Ben rose from where he was kissing and came up to face him. “I’ll need your help, Ben—to give up. It seems I can’t do it alone.” It was possibly the biggest concession Ben had ever heard Nikolas make.

  Ben quirked him a smile, trying not to make too much of it or Nikolas would back off from him again. “Cigarettes?”

  “Yes.”

  “Booze?”

  Nikolas pouted. “Yes.”

  “And the only pills you take are these? One of each, every twelve hours.”

  Nikolas looked less amenable to this but finally nodded.

  Ben pursed his lips for a moment, thinking. “Do you actually know how to run? I’ve never seen…”

  § § §

  Nikolas would tolerate a certain amount of teasing from Ben, but basically Ben still needed to remember his position. Now that he wasn’t dying, Nikolas decided to celebrate by spending the rest of the afternoon reminding Ben who was boss. But then he was under doctor’s orders to have Ben Rider as often as he could. Who was he to argue with the medical profession?

  By the time Tim returned, they were in the kitchen, examining the food to see if there was anything that didn’t need cooking. He glanced at Nikolas and nodded to Ben. Nikolas straightened. “Have you eaten?”

  Tim raised an eyebrow. “Me? No. I mean—”

  “Come, we’ll go out. You should both eat more healthily.” He took them to Dinner at Heston again, where they’d met Gregory. This time, the atmosphere at the table was very different. Nikolas had taken the pills given to him by Andrea Gillian and was pain free for the first time in what seemed like a very long time. He was trying to ignore, however, that the waiters appeared to be passing directly through the glass wall to the kitchen. Stress was bad for him. Apparently. He smiled occasionally and watched Ben. It was enough. At one point in the evening, he saw Ben was staring at the table, and he glanced down to find himself drumming his fingers urgently. He hadn’t been aware he was doing it. He’d been focusing on not thinking about smoking and not going over to the table next to them and relieving the woman of her red wine, which she’d been toying with for at least the last half hour. Instead of a reprimand, which Nikolas expected, he felt Ben’s socked foot tucking up under the leg of his suit. He looked away and smiled, concentrating on the odd but very pleasant sensation, and the next time he was aware of anything, he was drinking some water and his fingers were still. The bitch at the table was still sipping wine and making ridiculous eyes at the man sitting opposite her, however, but Nikolas was able to turn his attention from them and back to his companions.

  Ben was telling Tim something of their experiences on Aeroe. He was skirting around the actual events and was, therefore, extremely surprised when Nikolas interrupted mildly, “Tell him I was taken out by a librarian, Ben. I’m not ashamed. At least it wasn’t a college professor.”

  Tim looked theatrically wounded. “I’ll have you know they breed us tough in the ethics department.”

  The blood oozing out of Tim’s eyes distracted Nikolas, but he answered calmly, “Tell me about John. He’s your shrapnel. Ben and I will help you exorcise him tonight.”

  Tim raised his glass—he was the only one not on water. “Actually, you helped quite a lot the other morning in the shower.”

  Nikolas bowed his head in a mock acknowledgement of the compliment. The waiter arrived to take their order. Nikolas thought his hallucinations were getting more interesting until, after the waiter had gone, both his table companions collapsed in laughter at the huge and very obvious erection the man had been concealing badly in too tight trousers. The drumming had begun again. He nodded at the others and excused himself from the table. In the bathroom, he was staring at himself in the mirror when Ben came in. He flicked his glance across, slightly annoyed. “You don’t have to monitor me. I’m not a child sneaking out to smoke, Benjamin.”

  “Yeah, you kinda are.” He slid his arms around Nikolas from the back and peered at both their reflections over his shoulder. “You think you’ll ever trade me in for a younger version?”

  “I’m not sure. I’ll have to think about it. After all the training I’ve invested in you, it would be a pity to have to start again. But I wouldn’t be so lenient with my next protégé, more obedience and less cheek.”

  “Protégé? Interesting delusion. I guess I’d be quite valuable out on the open market again. I was enslaved before I reached my full potential. Now I could name my price.”

  Nikolas pulled Ben harder against his backside, enjoying the obvious erection he could now feel grinding into him. “You’d undersell yourself. Let me take charge of the negotiations. I’ve the inside knowledge to capitalise on all your assets.”

  Ben began kissing into Nikolas’s neck which Ben always claimed smelt so good. He ground himself shamelessly against the hard backside. “How about we do some of that capitalising now?” He took Nikolas’s arm and began to draw him back toward one of the cubicles.

  Nikolas jerked his head away a little. “You’re out of your mind. Since when do we behave―?”

  “Since you need distracting. Besides, if we get caught, you can say it was for medical reasons. Doctor’s orders.”

  Nikolas laughed, and Ben exploited his amusement to get him into the cubicle and lock the door. He pushed Nikolas against the wall, and they kissed, both hard, engaging their swellings, rubbing and grinding. In this situation, this place, Nikolas drew the line at being taken, so with a last, long kiss, he flattened Ben to the wall, moving determinedly around behind him. Things were just getting interesting, Ben’s trousers in the necessary position, Nikolas teasing him with two fingers, when the outer door opened and two men came in talking loudly. They’d clearly had a lot to drink. Ben twisted his head around to look at Nikolas. Nikolas shrugged, smiled, put his other hand over Ben’s mouth and rammed home. Ben’s eyes widened, a flash of green, then he closed them in pain, his long, almost girlish lashes fanned on his cheekbones. Nikolas was enjoying the view. It was a long time since they’d been this close in quite such bright fluorescent lighting. Fortunately, the men were still laughing and talking, banging their respective cubicle doors, running taps and hand dryers, so th
e inevitable and unavoidable noises from the middle cubicle went unobserved. Nikolas knew Ben was now past the pain and in a place where there was nothing but pleasure. Nikolas revelled in the long, lean body welcoming him as he thrust. He bit into the back of Ben’s neck, tasting him. He allowed himself these treats for a moment longer but then eased himself out and murmured, “More would be messy and awkward, no?”

  Ben nodded reluctantly. They rearranged each other as best they could and emerged back into the main area, washing hands and straightening ties as any two men might. Ben was flushed, colour high and gorgeous on his cheekbones. Nikolas, looking at his reflection, commented dryly, “A medical breakthrough, Ben Rider—take once every two hours for an addiction-free life.”

  “Did I work?”

  Nikolas held out a steady hand. Ben smiled and turned to leave, but Nikolas caught his arm, listened for a moment to see if they were likely to be disturbed, and then kissed him, murmuring, “Thank you.” When he saw the spark of happiness in Ben’s eyes at that tiny, inadequate acknowledgment, Nikolas was reminded once more of why he loved Ben Rider. For all the things Nikolas bought Ben, gave him, organised for him, it was a simple thank you from him that actually brought Ben the most pleasure. Nikolas was chastened and resolved to do better.

  When the food arrived, Nikolas only ate sparingly as he was feeling disorientated and shaky, although he gave himself credit none of this was showing, but he enjoyed watching Ben and Tim work their way through some desserts and then cheese and coffee. He still couldn’t tolerate the smell of coffee but was pleased to discover he didn’t have a flashback to the hunting shed, which he’d been doing every time he’d smelt it up to this point. Nothing seemed too untoward in the restaurant either. One diner appeared to have a rat in her handbag, but on closer study it turned out to be a dog, and he reckoned in a place like this it was wholly reasonable to conclude there actually was a dog in a handbag across from him.

  It was toward the end of the evening, thinking about his resolve to be more forthcoming with Ben and half listening to Tim talk about his upcoming series of lectures, when his great idea occurred to him. It was the best idea he’d had in ages. He mulled it over, viewing it from all angles and could see no real flaw. He knew he ought to consult Ben first, but Ben was used to his high-handedness by now. If Ben objected, he’d play the sickness card, which he intended to milk as much as possible now that he wasn’t actually dying. He considered Tim for a while and then asked casually, “Where will you stay while you conduct these lectures?”

  “I’m not sure. They have student accommodation they’ve offered me, but it’s pretty grotty.”

  “I’d like to make a suggestion.” He glanced across at Ben. “Ben and I need a holiday. You may stay in our house if you agree to look after Radulf while we’re away.” As a huge concession to keep the peace and because he wanted to get back inside Ben as soon as they got home (without having to do the talking thing), he turned to him and added, “If that’s all right with you.”

  Ben chuckled and looked down at the table, shaking his head ruefully. “You’re so obvious sometimes.” He flicked a glance up through lowered lashes. Nikolas swallowed deeply and tried to return his attention to Tim.

  Tim clearly thought it was an excellent idea, so it was decided. “Where are you planning to go?”

  Nikolas pursed his lips as they stood to go. “Somewhere hot where no one reads.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Fortunately for Nikolas’s plans with Ben, Tim decided not to return home with them but to make a visit to Squeezy, who was on duty only a few metres away in the glass towers. That left Nikolas free to do exactly what he’d intended as soon as they got through the front door. Ben, pushed against the wall of the corridor and impaled, couldn’t help thinking there were definite perks to having a very sick boyfriend. They both came quickly and satisfactorily as they were still worked up from the restaurant. But then came the difficult time. Even Ben felt like a drink, but he couldn’t and wouldn’t because of Nikolas. Instead, he suggested a shower and then a movie, and as they had the house to themselves and needed distraction, he allowed Nikolas to produce something they wouldn’t usually watch. It was very different to anything Ben had previously seen, and he’d been in the army for years and reckoned he’d seen pretty much everything a film with naked bodies could include. But this was Russian. It would’ve been almost embarrassing watching it together, except it was in Russian without subtitles, so Nikolas provided the translation for Ben, and he did this with no relation whatsoever to what was actually happening on the screen. Despite their laughter, the movie was having a noticeable effect on both of them. Ben, lying back in Nikolas’s arms, could feel stirring beneath him. He twisted around and settled belly to belly. He could feel all the hard muscle through the thin cotton and denim of Nikolas’s jeans and T-shirt. He kissed Nikolas, teasing his lower lip. “What do you want? Anything. I’ll do anything you want, however you want it.”

  Nikolas kissed back harder, his hands running over Ben’s back, up under his T-shirt and onto his warm skin. “You know what I like.” He began to push on Ben’s head, sending him down, groaning and arching when Ben opened the front of his jeans, freeing him. He turned his head to watch the film as Ben took him down as deep as he ever had. Nikolas lifted into the intense sensation, and Ben took the opportunity to slide the jeans a little lower. He pulled his lips off slowly, and then slid down once more, angling just right so the head grazed his throat. Nikolas gave a soft gasp, his eyes now closed to the pleasure. Ben pushed the hard thighs apart for better access, and for the first time with Nikolas in his mouth, he eased two fingers into him and began to circle and stroke where it would please most. Nikolas arched off the couch and cried out. Ben murmured his approval around the slick hardness and continued to stroke and explore inside.

  When he sensed Nikolas was about to come, he let the hard cock fall out of his mouth. Keeping his fingers busy, he began to kiss back up Nikolas’s body, mouthing into the warm cotton of his T-shirt, biting his nipples and then into the crook of his neck where there was just the clean, fresh smell of skin. It made him almost feverish with desire, something clearly matched by Nikolas who was being intensely stimulated still. He tried to push Ben back down, arched and twisted, began to beg—something Ben had never heard before. Then he came, wild shots of cum shooting up onto his chest and wetting them both.

  Eventually, Ben stilled his fingers and eased them out. Nikolas was still coming down off his intense high. His cheekbones were flushed, emphasising the new scar. Ben kissed it, then his nose, and then gently took Nikolas’s lower lip between his teeth. Nikolas cupped his face, then sighed and opened his eyes. He gazed into Ben’s eyes for a very long time, just placing small kisses around Ben’s swollen lips. Eventually, he murmured, as if it had been on his mind, troubling him, “I’m sorry I didn’t consult you about the holiday before I spoke of it.”

  Ben propped himself up on one elbow, lying on him. “You’ve got off now, you don’t have to keep humouring me.”

  Nikolas smirked. “But I like you to think of yourself as an equal in this relationship.”

  “As long as I never put it into practice?”

  “Exactly. So, do you actually like the idea of a holiday? Do you want to go?”

  “Duh. But I was wondering…a holiday from what exactly?”

  “Ack, you have to remember I was intimately connected with your Royal Family for many years. I’ve rather got used to the idea of holidays from doing absolutely nothing. Besides it’s cold and dark all the time here.”

  “Somewhere hot then?”

  Nikolas arched his back, lifted them both effortlessly and hiked up his jeans. “Definitely. With water where we can swim.”

  Ben was beginning to get quite enthused by this idea. “Beach then. Hot. Southern hemisphere?”

  “Possibly. Shorter flight? Maybe Thailand?”

  “What about the Caribbean? Don’t you own a tropical island or something—
for investment purposes?”

  Nikolas laughed. “My grandfather bought a cattle station in Australia during the war as an investment, which is now mine—of course. I’ve never seen it, but I don’t think I’d want to holiday there. I have property in New Zealand, too, but they’re better in the winter. Maybe someday I’ll take you there and teach you to ski.”

  “I know how to ski.”

  “You’re English. You ski like pussies. I’ll teach you the Scandinavian way.”

  The movie suddenly clicked off. They looked across at the screen. “How does it end?”

  Nikolas laughed. “I’ll show you.”

  § § §

  Nikolas tipped them off on the floor and lay heavy over Ben. He cupped him, exploring. “I don’t need to trade you in for a younger version just yet, I see.” He moved languorously around Ben’s body, lifting his T-shirt, kissing his ribs, under his arms, across his chest, and then down his hard belly to the line of hair that led under his waistband. He followed this down as well, unzipping as he went. When he was ready, when he had Ben begging, he swallowed him down, never quite as enthusiastic at this activity as Ben, for it carried many bad memories for him; nevertheless, he was willing to pay back all the pleasure he was always given. In some ways, he almost enjoyed the feel of Ben’s fingers in his hair now, trusting Ben knew not to push him, not to hold him, not to humiliate him. Bad memories.