Conscious Decisions of the Heart

by John Wiltshire

  Ben began to chuckle, took his hand and pulled him off the bed and out onto the deck. Nikolas was reluctant to go out naked until he saw just how private they were. They peered over the deck together at the glowing sea, and then Ben pointed up to the stars. Nikolas stood for a while, illuminated by starlight. He caught Ben’s hand and pulled him into his arms and kissed him. “Order in.”

  Ben made a small noise of protest. “There’s a boat with this ginormous engine, and the restaurant’s got a glass floor you can look down at the—”

  “I can see water from where I am.”

  Ben began to complain again, but Nikolas whispered into his ear, “Indulge me this one night, baby, and I’ll take you and show you off every other night that we’re here.”

  Ben pulled away a little, staring into Nik’s eyes. He could see reflected stars in the dark pupils. It was one of those moments when he realised they’d moved on to another stage of their relationship. He knew it was partially the unearthly beauty of the place seducing them both—the stoniest, most unromantic person would find this hard to resist—but it was more than that. Nikolas had never used such a term of endearment for him before. And it wasn’t just a slip of the tongue brought on by starlight and a hot tropical night. Nikolas never did or said anything he didn’t mean and hadn’t given a great deal of thought to. Ben cupped Nikolas’s face and kissed him, pulling him gently back into the hut until the backs of his knees connected with the bed and they fell on it together.

  They kissed for a long time, prolonging the moment when it would become more frantic. Nikolas even allowed Ben to order food, and when it was delivered, they brought it to the bed and fed each other. Ben knew Nikolas would be thinking about alcohol, because he was, too. It was a night for sliding under the seductive numbness of ice-cold white wine or local rum, strong and potent. So he allowed Nikolas to take liberties with him, tipping ice cream onto his belly and licking it off, finding other interesting places to eat and bite at the same time.

  Finally, Nikolas was in him and neither could remember quite when it had happened. He took his time, drawing out the pleasure. No violence this night, no games. Nothing but a languid drawing in and out, both watching as Nikolas’s flushed-purple, hard member slid through Ben’s tight ring. Nikolas placed a hand on each thigh, spreading Ben open more, lying over him and levering his whole body into the penetration, until Ben was taut and moaning with pleasure, and then he let them both come, their releases almost in sync with the surf they could hear pounding in the distance.

  When they were finished, they lay upon the sticky, food-ruined sheets, soaking in the heat until Nikolas disentangled himself and went to the console. He called room service and ordered the housekeeper to come and clean the room then held out his hand for Ben. They dived off into the glowing green water, both naked but soon out of the light and into the darkness of the unlit lagoon. The water was still incredibly warm, although the air had cooled a fraction. They watched as a boat pulled up to the hut and two uniformed women climbed out with cleaning equipment and clean linen. Ben glanced across at Nikolas. “What’s wrong?”

  Nikolas shook his head, but Ben insisted.

  “I was just thinking how insecure we are in those things.”

  Ben swam closer. “You’re thinking about Gabby.”

  Nikolas denied this and claimed he was only making a casual observation. So Ben countered more effectively by dunking him under the water and holding him down until, being naked, Nikolas reminded him how vulnerable he was. They surfaced, choking and laughing, then kissing. When the boat left, they swam leisurely back to the hut and climbed up onto the deck. It was warm enough to sit around outside wet and naked, so they worked out how to lie comfortably together in the hammock. They could hear distant music and some chatter from other huts, which in the silence and calm of the night was audible over the water. Ben was suddenly very tired, a sensation he knew from many flights and jet lag over the years, that feeling of being fine one moment then just like death the next. He felt himself dropping off a great height. Nikolas tightened his arms around him, and they both slept under the surreally beautiful sky bathed in the green glow from the sea.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  “Fuck!” Nikolas tipped Ben out of the hammock onto the deck. “Fucking hell!” Ben rose groggily to his feet.

  “Wh―?”

  “Look at me!” Ben peered. As far as he was concerned, Nikolas looked pretty good naked in the morning light, his usual morning erection flushed dark on his belly. He was just about to climb on to enjoy the ride when he noticed a red welt, then another. Nikolas, where he’d not been covering him, was bitten—badly. He checked himself over and saw nothing. He bit his lip. Nikolas flung himself angrily out of the hammock, twisting, trying to see all over his body. He saw Ben was laughing at him so he pushed him—hard. He fell off the deck into the translucent morning water, still laughing. Nikolas stomped into the hut, and Ben heard a shouted, “Where are my fucking pills?”

  He shouted back from the safety of the water, “Those aren’t hallucinations! You’ve been…eaten!” He climbed out of the water and edged into the hut. Nikolas was scratching. Ben caught his hands to stop him. “Pills?”

  Nikolas nodded grumpily. “Why aren’t you bitten?”

  “I have superior blood. English, see?”

  Nikolas swatted at him as he went to get the pills. Then he started scratching again. Ben came back and caught at his hands. “Stop it! Jesus, you’ll make them bleed.”

  Nikolas wrenched his hands away. Ben caught at them again. “Don’t make me restrain you.” He only said it jokingly. They’d never done that. Not in the five years they’d known each other. It was always Ben tied, Nikolas in complete control. But the thought, now implanted, couldn’t be dismissed. He could see curiosity, temptation, and desire in Nikolas’s eyes, but this was mixed with suspicion and disgust. Ben slowly pushed him back toward the bed, keeping eye contact, trying to gauge whether this was going to be accepted or not. He caught at Nikolas’s tie where the staff had neatly folded it over the back of a chair and brought it with them. With great deliberation, checking all the time to see if Nikolas was going to allow it, he straddled him, stretched the strong arms up, and secured them to the rail. He tied them tight. Suddenly, Nikolas told him he had changed his mind. Perhaps recent memories of his restraint in far less pleasant circumstances had begun to surface. He shook his head. “Untie me.”

  Ben straddled him, propping himself up on his elbows, considering. “No. I don’t think I will. I like you like this.”

  “Ben, I’m not joking. Untie me. I don’t like this.” He wrenched, twisting.

  Ben leant in close and kissed him gently. “It’s me, Nik. It’s just me, and I’d never, ever hurt you. You know that. Relax. You’re not there.” He kissed again. “You’re here with me, and I love you.”

  Nikolas breathed deeply. “If you love me, you’ll untie me. Please.” Ben frowned then stretched up and undid the restraint. Nikolas began to rub his wrists. He looked contrite, a little ashamed. He pouted for a moment. “I wasn’t thinking of that woman. I was thinking of when I was in prison. I don’t like to be restrained. I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t trust you.”

  But it was. Deep down they both saw this and saw understanding of it in each other’s faces. Ben allowed Nikolas to restrain him because he trusted him. Nikolas didn’t have that level of trust in anyone, even Ben. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, staring morosely at the mosquito bites. “I’m sorry.” Ben slid in behind him, arms around his waist, his chin on Nikolas’s shoulder.

  “It must be hard to change when you get to your age. I forget that sometimes.”

  Nikolas frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, look at all the things that’d happened to you before I was even born. They say older people find it harder to adapt.”

  Nikolas twisted around, craning back to get a better look at Ben’s face. “Are you trying to be funny?”

/>   “No, of course not. It’s not funny. You don’t trust me, and I get that. I suppose you’re just too old to learn trust now. Like an old dog that’s been beaten too many times. Hey, you know what you are?” Nikolas seemed dazed with incredulity and only shook his head. Ben smiled sadly. “You’re a sticky like Radulf, can’t be rehomed or retrained.”

  Nikolas had clearly heard enough. He turned and pushed Ben onto his back. He sat heavily on him, studying him. “If I want to learn something, then I will.”

  Ben pursed his lips, interested, as if they were just old friends having a chat in the pub. “So how would you go about learning to trust me then?”

  “I don’t know. I’m trying to think of something that would involve you being in pain and shutting up. How am I doing?”

  Ben scrunched his face. “Nope, I can’t see that working. Wow, quite a dilemma for you, isn’t it? So, what do you want to do today?” He tried to sit up. Nikolas held him down, thinking.

  “If I let you do this, it’s not because your pathetic attempt at manipulation has worked. You understand that, yes?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Nikolas lay back down on the bed and very reluctantly allowed Ben to lift his hands once more. Ben tied them again. He grinned. “You’re very hard work, you know that, yeah?”

  Nikolas wasn’t looking too sure he wanted to know anything just then. He inquired, trying to sound casual, “What now?”

  Ben slid lower. “For now I’ll do something you like. Next time, maybe, I’ll give you a dose of what you give me.”

  “That you wouldn’t dare.” Nikolas seemed to realise what a stupid thing this was to say as soon as the words left his mouth. His eyes widened, and Ben guessed he was about to be forbidden to do what he was planning to do—but Nikolas was too late. Ben smacked him on one thigh. It resounded beautifully on the sweat-slicked skin.

  Nikolas twisted to try and release his hands, and Ben observed brightly, “Good idea.” He rolled his prisoner over and sat on the backs of his thighs. There was nothing much Nikolas could do to stop him smacking again, this time on a more obvious place. The firm cheek resounded very nicely. Ben then immediately stretched up and released the tie, giving Nikolas a gentler pat on the backside before sliding off him.

  They lay staring at the thatch roof, Nikolas processing what had just happened between them, and Ben giving him the time and space to do so. Eventually, Ben ventured, “Let’s order a huge breakfast for the winner, and then I’ll race you to the drop off and back.” They both knew Nikolas would win any swimming race between them. Ben was giving him back the control.

  Nikolas pulled him closer and studied him intently. “Have I told you recently how manipulative you are?”

  Ben scrunched his face again, theatrically thinking. “Yes, I believe you have.”

  “Order breakfast for two, Ben. I may let you win the race. I’m feeling magnanimous toward you for some reason.”

  § § §

  There was no way, in fact, Nikolas would ever let Ben beat him at anything. He toyed with the idea all the way out to where the shallow lagoon fell off into a dark plunge of cold ocean, letting Ben stay level with him, but he just couldn’t do it. He was surprised, though, he actually had to work to stay ahead on the return and realised just how much work he still had to do to get back to the fitness he’d enjoyed on return from Russia. They were both glad to see the laden trays and newspapers waiting for them. They lazed on the deck, turning brown and eating. It was proving to be a very satisfactory holiday.

  By mid-morning, Ben was restless. He wanted to go to the hotel and see if there was somewhere they could hire a jeep to explore the island. Nikolas was more interested in exploring Ben, but he acquiesced and accompanied him in the boat to the beach. There were a number of people sunbathing and some children in the water. Nikolas knew Ben was very well aware of the interested glances being thrown their way but he ignored everyone and headed for the hotel.

  The hotel had a huge range of sporting facilities and water activities available, which they both dismissed. They were more interested in getting a jeep, which they did. It was not the top of the range Merc they were used to: it had no roof, only roll bars, and the paintwork was a sun-bleached, indeterminate colour. The tyres were bald and the two seats patched. They both loved it immediately. Dressed neatly in shorts and shirts, as soon as they were out of sight of the hotel they stripped off their shirts and shoes. Ben stuck his bare feet up on the dashboard, studying the map. Nikolas was testing to see how fast the jeep would go.

  The temperature was in the high thirties, and the sun beat down relentlessly. They went from bright, intense light to deep shade under the trees where, with their dark sunglasses, they could hardly see at all. The road began to climb up from the plains, which were cultivated with coconut and pineapple, into unclaimed jungle. Very quickly, the road became just a dirt track—all the better for putting the jeep through its paces. Finally, they came out at a viewpoint Ben had seen on the map. They pulled in and could see all the way down across the jungle canopy to the sea beyond and to a few remote islands dotted around in the intense blue. Right in the centre of the view was their lagoon, the huts now tiny dots on the luminous green.

  They climbed out and walked to the edge. All they could hear were the sounds of birds and insects. “This island is covered in cave systems.” Nikolas pointed to the headland on the southern side of the lagoon. “Some come out there and go back into the centre of the island. We should swim to them and explore.”

  “And you’ve seen The Descent, yeah?”

  It was still incredibly hot. They were both already a great deal browner than when they’d arrived. Nikolas moved behind Ben, his arms loosely around him, skin sticking to skin, his chin on Ben’s shoulder. “Russian Special Forces don’t often do jungle training. I wouldn’t like to have to survive in this environment. It’s too…what’s the word I’m looking for?”

  “Creepy-crawly?”

  “Hmm. I don’t know that word either. Is it the right one?”

  “Yep. It’s exactly the right one. I trained in Belize for a few months. Trust me, you wouldn’t have liked it.”

  “I prefer the sterility of the high mountains. Predators you can see and kill.” He scratched idly at a bug bite until Ben swatted at him to stop. “Are you hungry?” He never really got why he bothered to ask when the answer was always yes. They turned the jeep around, Ben now driving, and headed to a village marked on the map. There wasn’t much there, but they were able to buy some fruit and some bottled water.

  By the time they got back to the hotel, they were both desperate for a swim. As soon as they’d dropped off the jeep and motored back to the hut, they stripped, pulled on swimsuits, and headed back out to the drop off, which was now beginning to fascinate them both.

  § § §

  There was a distinct line of water where it went from light, tranquil green to menacing black, from warm, almost hot, to chilly cold. Diving down a few metres from the edge, they could swim along the white sandy lagoon floor, which then just…ended, the seabed plunging down a seemingly bottomless cliff. Nikolas was able to hold his breath long enough to swim down until Ben couldn’t see him from the surface. It was eerie watching it. He just became more and more indistinct, and then the dark swallowed him.

  The line of surf was now a great deal closer, but they had to swim across the black, cold water above the drop off to reach it. It was choppier and much harder work. They hadn’t realised until they tried it that the surf was actually a great deal further away than they’d thought, and it was enormous, waves well over ten feet, which was a lot when you were swimming in front of them. The sound and power of them awed Ben. They made him feel insignificant and vulnerable, which was a relatively unusual feeling for him. For one moment, he pictured the waves continuing on into the lagoon, a vast tsunami of power sweeping everything away, and he lost concentration for a moment, swallowing a mouthful of water, coughing.

  Nikolas caught his a
rm and indicated they should turn back. The crash of the waves was too loud for them to hear each other shout. They swam back across the cold, dark depths and reached the enveloping warmth of the lagoon. By the time they reached the hut, they were both physically drained. They sat for a while on the edge of the deck, watching the sunset reflected in the water. Suddenly, Nikolas grinned. “Come, I want to do my second favourite thing with you.” Ben was suspicious as Nikolas pulled him to his feet. “I want to take you out and watch everyone wanting you.”

  As they showered and dressed in their immaculate suits, Nikolas actually admitted he was starving. Ben reckoned it was the first time he’d ever heard him use that word, perhaps a word that had always had more serious connotations for him than would allow its common, casual use. But they’d only eaten fruit at lunchtime, had swum for hours, and now both of them could feel the burn of hunger. It was an incredibly good feeling, and when Ben pulled out the canisters of pills and offered them to Nikolas, he hesitated and turned them down. “It’s not so bad tonight.” Ben pulled him close and kissed him chastely, well aware if he did more he’d likely not actually get out of the hut or get fed.