Enlightened

by A. L. Waddington

  “Yes, much,” he concluded.

  The thought that the three of them had apparently been discussing the two mes behind my back left me feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I desperately wished I knew more about my other self, but the glimpses I had told me very little about my actual personality, and from what I could feel there was not a whole lot of differences. Yet, the look on their faces told me that I was wrong in that assumption. Now I wanted to know just how wrong I was.

  “Please, explain.” I looked at the three of them trying not to get upset.

  “Nothing bad, Jocelyn. It is only that you speak much more freely here. It also appears that some of your personality traits here are unconsciously coming through to your other self because recently you have become more aggressive in speaking your mind there than you ever were before,” Jackson attempted to assure me. “Lately, you have been more forward with your thinking, but also very evasive in your behavior. I have the feeling that you have been having episodes there since your birthday, perhaps triggered by the identical pocket watches that I gave you, but you are extremely stubborn and refuse to talk about it.”

  I snorted unintentionally, my face reddened. “I can’t imagine why? Have you even bothered to attempt to explain anything to me?” I asked Jackson directly.

  “No,” he answered quietly.

  “And why not?” I could only imagine what I must possibly be thinking. I had to be terrified out of my mind.

  “It is not as if I can approach the subject with you. Same conditions apply there as here you know. I have tried to drop various hints in attempts to get you to open up, but you have closed yourself off completely as of late.” He looked almost ashamed.

  “Of course.” I knew he was right, but I was still concerned about the mental standing of my other self.

  The mood had somehow shifted and become sullen. The four of us never said another word while we finished our lunches. I knew it was going to take me some time before the entire concept, with its many variables, fully registered upon my consciousness. They were right, it was simply too enormous to comprehend.

  The atmosphere hadn’t improved much on our ride home. Robert and Emily made small talk about their grandkids and how much they were looking forward to the holidays with them while Jackson and I sat silently in the backseat. I stared out the window watching the world go by and wondered how many of us were actually out there with this inherited gift. The scope seemed so unrealistic to me, as did all of it. I wondered if I would ever get used to this the way his family had and if someday it would all be second nature to me like it was to them.

  We arrived back in our neighborhood shortly before four. I quickly explained that I needed to run home to check in with my parents and see what was going on over there. I thanked them for lunch and taking me with them, assuring them that I had a great time and took off before any of them, including Jackson, could say anything to stop me.

  I quickly closed my front door behind me and leaned back against it. I could hear the sounds of the television and loud obnoxious ranting coming from the family room and I could tell my dad and Ethan were already engrossed in their Sunday NFL games. It was a relief knowing I wouldn’t be drilled by either of them. I wondered briefly where my mom was wandering around at, but dismissed it as I ran silently up the stairs to hide in my room.

  I sat down at my desk and wiggled the mouse to bring my computer back to life. I waited impatiently as the screen saver, a stupid photo of me with Jenna, Hilary, and Caitlyn last summer at the pool, came into view.

  I stared stupidly at it wondering what had happened to those four girls as they all smiled back at me. So much had changed in such a short period of time that they all looked like strangers to me now. My heart ached for those days when life was much less complicated and my biggest worry was making sure that my college applications were sent out before the deadlines. There was no concern about dual consciousness, Jackson, wedding plans, and keeping secrets from my closest confidants. I felt like such a phony every time I was around my friends now. I hated all this sneaking around about the wedding and my true relationship with Jackson. Mostly I hated that I couldn’t confide in any of them about EVE and all its dimensions. I longed for the days when my life consisted of school, friends, and sports.

  I clicked on the Internet icon and typed EVE in the search engine curious to see what would come up. All I got was a hip-hop queen named Eve along with a bunch of biblical links. I knew what I was searching for wouldn’t be there, but I still couldn’t stop myself from looking. I even typed out the full name and got nothing. I exited out and went back over to my bed throwing myself across it, feeling emotionally drained. I closed my eyes wishing all of this would disappear and I had never inherited this thing, whatever it truly was.

  A knock on my door brought me out of my daydream and back to the frightful reality that consumed me. I rolled over and quickly wiped tears, I hadn’t even noticed before, off my cheeks.

  “Come in,” I hollered as I sat up.

  My mother opened my door and came over, sitting down beside me. “I thought I heard you come in.”

  “I got here a little while ago.” I tried to muster up the best smile I could for her.

  “Did you have fun shopping with the Chandlers?”

  I noticed her scanning my messy room and wondered if she was going to remind me again that I needed to pick it up.

  “It was fun. Emily bought a lot of Christmas gifts for her grandchildren and we went out to lunch.”

  “That sounds nice. I’m glad you had a good time.” She sighed and absentmindedly stacked the papers on my bed and placed them on my nightstand. “I can’t even fathom having grandchildren yet,” she giggled. “I don’t feel old enough to have any of those, so give me another ten years or so, all right?”

  “Don’t worry, Mom. I’m in no hurry to have kids,” I reassured her.

  Children are the last thing I need right now.

  “Good. Just keep that in mind when you are with Jackson. I know he’s a really nice boy and all and I know how good-looking he is, but think about your future and your dreams before things get too serious between you two.” She gave me a warning look that she had perfected over the years both as a physician and a mother.

  I playfully rolled my eyes at her. “I know, Mom. I am still going to college. So don’t worry about it.”

  “But I am worried. You two seem too close and spend too much time together. I just don’t want him to talk you into doing anything that you are not ready for.”

  Oh God, could this get any worse?

  “We are not having sex, Mom. I promise.”

  “Just don’t be in any hurry. Don’t let him pressure you.” She put her hand over mine.

  “Trust me, he’s not.”

  “Good. Good. I’m glad to hear that. I know when you’re young, you feel invincible and all those bad things that happen always happen to someone else, not you. But let me assure you that you are not exempt from pregnancy, AIDS, drunk driving accidents or a million and one other things that can happen. Just be smart and make wise choices,” she lectured, even though she had told me all this a million times before.

  “I know, Mom.”

  I stood up and walked over to my desk. I turned around to face her, leaning back on my desk chair. “I am still a virgin. Jackson doesn’t have AIDS or any other STDs for that matter. He’s not pressuring me into sex. I’m still planning on going to college. I’m not stupid, Mom.”

  I knew she was only saying these things because she cared and was concerned about me, but I was not in the mood for a lecture about my relationship with Jackson. I knew the battle I was facing when she and my dad found out I was actually engaged.

  “I’m not lecturing you, Jocelyn. I just want you to be smart about the choices you make right now. I can assure you that they will affect your future and the kind of woman you will become.”

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”

  “Like wha
t?”

  “Just stuff I can’t discuss.”

  “You can tell me anything, you know that, honey. I’m always here for you.” Her eyes were pleading with me. I hated it when she tried to make me feel guilty.

  “I know, but this is something I need to figure out on my own.” I went over and sat back down beside her. “It’s difficult to explain. But don’t worry, I’ll figure it out.”

  “But it does have to do with Jackson, right?” Her eyes were imploring.

  “Mostly. Yes. But not in the way that you think.”

  “What I believe is that you are in love with this boy,” she stated as a matter of fact. “And I also believe that he is in love with you as well.”

  I could only stare at her numbly and nod my head. She nodded back solemnly.

  “I thought so. Are you worried about going away to school next year and you two being separated at different universities?”

  “No. Not really. We have been talking about going to the same school.”

  “Emily said that he was already accepted at the University of Boston. You haven’t even applied there.” She gave me an inquisitive look.

  I dropped my eyes down to the floor not wanting to admit what she already knew.

  “I see. You plan to attend there as well?”

  “Yes.” My voice was meek, barely audible to my own ears.

  “I don’t think that it’s such a good idea, Jocelyn. There are tons of young men out there, sweetheart, and a whole world of opportunities. College is the time when you can truly discover yourself. You need to enjoy it and meet new people, explore life a little before you settle down.”

  “Mom,” I tried to interrupt.

  She placed her hands back over mine and squeezed them tightly looking at me. “Jocelyn, you’re young, beautiful, smart, and talented. I don’t want to see you revolve your entire world and future around one boy. You’re far too young to even consider doing something so stupid. It’s idiotic.”

  I stood up and began pacing the floor in front of my bed. “You really don’t understand at all, Mom. I love him. More than I can explain. And he is the one for me. He is the one I am destined to be with. I am more positive of that than I am anything else in this world.” My hands were gesturing wildly as I struggled to keep my voice calm.

  She calmly approached me and put her hands on my shoulders causing me to stop pacing. She took a deep breath shaking her head slightly. “You’ve already decided this after knowing him only a few weeks?” she inquired full of skepticism.

  I nodded my head looking down at the floor instead of meeting her eye.

  “You’re so young, honey. And I know you think that everything is going to work out between you two. But you must realize that you can’t possibly know something like that. I understand what you’re feeling. I honestly do. I was young once. I’ve been there, but I cannot let you throw your life away on a high school crush.”

  She dropped her arms and headed towards my door before she turned around again and looked at me. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Jocelyn. I love you and I only want what’s best for you. You’re not going to Boston University and that’s final. If you want to date him until next fall, that’s fine. He’s a nice young man so I won’t say anything, but it’s only going to hurt that much more when he leaves you next fall.”

  Something inside me snapped. I was furious. My hands began to shake as my entire body started shivering. I was so sick of people telling me about my future and how I was going to live it. Jackson was the only thing holding me together and I was not about to let anything stand in my way of being with him.

  “You’re wrong!” I nearly shouted at her. My mother was almost out the door when my words halted her in her tracks. She turned around stunned at the tone of voice I used.

  “Excuse me,” she was strangely calm. “What did you say?”

  “You’re wrong. I’m going to be with Jackson next fall at BU! It’s a great school so why do you care?” I couldn’t keep my voice steady and the tears were soaking my face.

  “I care because you’re my daughter and I’m not going to let you throw your life away on some boy. Not as long as I’m paying for your education.” Her eyes narrowed at my defiance.

  “He’s not just some boy,” I blubbered.

  “Yes. He is. And there are millions of them out there.” She walked slowly back over to me. “If it’s meant to be for you two then it can happen after you graduate from college and finish grad school. But until then, you need to focus on your goals, your education and go to a school that is best suited for you, not him.”

  “BU is a great school. They have wonderful programs and I’m not a hundred percent positive about my major right now anyway,” I tried to reason with her, but I knew I was losing this battle.

  “I’m sure it is. But you have talked about joining Sidney at Northwestern or going to Indiana University. You loved the campus when we went down there this past summer. You said it was exactly like you pictured college. Remember how excited you were about it? And I thought that Hilary was planning on going there also. You two could room together.”

  She looked genuinely upset and I felt horrible. “IU has an outstanding pre-med program and a first class Medical School in Indianapolis. It would be perfect for you.”

  “Mom, I told you I’m not positive what I’m going to major in.”

  She is never going to allow me to be anything other than a doctor.

  “I know. I know. I just want you to have the option.” She smoothed my hair away from my face and wiped the tears on my cheeks.

  “And I’m positive that once your classes get underway, you will meet someone new and forget all about Jackson.”

  Her words burned through me like a hot fire poker. I stepped back from her and glared. “You really don’t get it, do you?” I shook my head in frustrated disbelief. “There is no one else. Not now, not ever!”

  Damn. She’s not listening to me at all.

  “Jocelyn, I’m not going to spend the evening arguing with you.”

  She turned to walk away again, but I was too pissed to drop it now. “I’m going to marry him! I’m eighteen and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

  As soon as the words fell out of my mouth, I immediately regretted it.

  “Well, if you want to throw your life away then that is certainly your choice. But if you do, don’t look at us to pay for your education.”

  She slammed my bedroom door and seconds later, I heard her slam her own as well.

  I flopped back down across my bed and screamed into my pillow. I knew it was childish, but it helped. I couldn’t stop the tears and I didn’t care. I should have kept my mouth shut, I knew that. I should have just let her lecture and agreed with whatever she said in order to keep the peace. Instead, I was sure I had rattled a hornet’s nest and it was going to take quite a bit to calm it down again.

  The hours passed and I never bothered to go downstairs for dinner. Even though my dad was engrossed in his Sunday football games, I had a feeling my mom had already given him an earful. Plus, after he had already voiced his concerns about my relationship, I knew he was not likely to take my threat lying down. But the more time passed the more at ease I was feeling. If my dad thought there was any merit to my tantrum threat, he would have been up here already with threats of his own.

  My cell phone rang shortly after seven o’clock, waking me up in a startle. I must have fallen asleep. My room was dark and I fumbled around on my nightstand blindly searching for the annoying sound only if to make it stop.

  “Yeah?” I finally answered.

  “Jocelyn?” Jackson’s voice sounded like a lullaby to my ears.

  “Hi, sweetheart.”

  “Are you all right?”

  “Fine. Just dosed off is all.” I wasn’t about to tell him about my argument with my mother. Not after Jenna’s reaction yesterday. “I’m sorry I ran off so quickly this afternoon. I just had a lot on my mind.”

  He let out a small
laugh. “Don’t give it a second thought. We understand that when something big occurs or changes, you hibernate until you have time to process it in your own fashion and once you have, you are fine.”

  “I do not.”

  “Yes. You do,” he laughed again. “But it’s okay. Everyone deals with things in their own manner.”

  “Whatever,” I muttered.

  “Anyway, I was calling to see if you were still going to come over and look over some wedding material.”

  I had completely forgotten about agreeing to that tonight.

  “When does she want me to come over?”

  “As soon as you can.” His Boston accent curled my toes. “You should see what she is doing. There are papers, patterns, and magazines scattered all over her office.”

  I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I was hardly in the mood now to discuss wedding plans, but I had already told Emily I would start things with her tonight.

  “Okay. I’ll be over in just a minute.”

  “Great. I will see you soon. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I shoved my cell phone into my pocket and wondered how I was going to get out of the house. If my mom had spoken with my dad, I knew he wasn’t going to let me leave if he believed there was a hint of validity to my threat.

  I quietly opened my door and peeked down the darkened hallway. There was a soft glow coming from under my parents’ bedroom door assuring me that my mom was still hiding inside. As I stepped out on the landing, I could hear the obnoxious sounds from both guys in the house glued to the game as with every Sunday throughout the NFL season.

  I entered the family room and found Ethan and my dad knee deep in chips and salsa. My dad had numerous empty beer bottles on the end table next to him while Ethan’s was covered with Dr. Pepper cans. An empty pizza box rested on the coffee table in front of the two of them as they repeatedly shouted and gestured wildly at the television screen.

  “Dad?” No acknowledgment.

  “Dad!” I hollered a little louder.

  He glanced at me for half a second then turned back to the game.