By the time I strolled into the hallway, Ethan was coming out of his room looking worse than I felt. He passed by me without uttering a word and I was too out of it to bother with him. All I could think about was going back to bed and pulling the covers over my head for the rest of the day.
Thankfully, my mom had already left for the office before I managed to make my way downstairs, but my dad was still hovering over his coffee and the morning paper. I poured myself a tall mug and joined him at the table.
“You look awful,” he glanced up from the paper. “What time did you guys get in?”
“I don’t know what time Ethan rolled in, but I got home around three,” I muttered.
“Are you two still not speaking?”
“Not so much. He’s ignoring me at this point,” I shrugged. “And Mom’s been leaving before I get up. She won’t even talk with me in the evenings,” I half complained, resting my head down on the table. “I can’t believe they have such little faith in me,” I whined, closing my eyes.
“It’s not that. They’re both just concerned,” he placed his hand over mine. “So am I, but I know I’m not willing to sacrifice our relationship to prove a point. Don’t worry, they aren’t either. They’re hurt, but will come around. They always do,” he tried to assure me, but in my current state, nothing mattered, but sleep.
“I know.”
“You sure you really want to go to school today?”
“Mom said I had to if I went to the premiere.” I barely looked up at him.
“You’ve been through a lot lately. I think it would be okay if you take the day off. Go back to bed and get some sleep. Don’t worry, I’ll call the school and drop Ethan off on my way in. I was going to take you both since Jackson called while you were in the shower and said he wasn’t going to make it in,” he chuckled. “I’ll bet half your school doesn’t show up because of all the hype surrounding the midnight showing.”
“Probably not. Thanks, Daddy.” I half grinned and slumped out of my chair leaving my coffee mug on the table.
Ethan stumbled into the kitchen with his sweatshirt and pants stuck to his wet body. He didn’t even look like he’d attempted to towel dry his hair. He paused, looked at Dad and I, then started to walk back out.
“Ethan?” Our dad’s voice halted him in his tracks.
“Yeah?” he half turned back.
“If I let you stay home today since I’m letting Jocelyn stay home also, can you two promise me not to kill each other while I’m gone?” Dad looked between us. I was pretty sure he knew neither of us had the energy to fight at the moment.
“I don’t care what she does. I just want to sleep,” he grumbled back.
“Jocelyn?” His eyes rested in my direction.
“Ditto,” I muttered in return.
“Good. Then you both can go back to bed, but I don’t want to see the house destroyed today if you both wake up with renewed energy. No fighting or you’ll both be grounded,” he warned before picking up his briefcase. “Sweet dreams.” He kissed my cheek lightly and headed out the door.
Ethan glared over at me while I waited for him to move out of the doorway. He was blocking my exit and I knew he was standing there just to annoy me.
“Told you I’d see the movie anyway,” he grumbled.
“Good for you,” I snapped back, getting aggravated enough that I pushed past him and headed up the stairs.
I flopped down across my bed and dug my cell out of my backpack. As glad as I was that my dad was letting me miss a day of school, I really didn’t want to spend that time alone with Ethan. I knew we were going to start again as soon as we woke up. I dialed Jackson’s number hoping he hadn’t fallen back asleep yet.
“Hello?” a barely audible voice inquired.
“Jackson?”
“Yes?”
“It’s me.”
“Didn’t your dad tell you I called?” he sounded sleepy again.
“Yes. He did. That’s not why I’m calling.”
“Oh. What’s going on then?”
“My dad’s letting me stay home today.”
“That’s good. Well, call me when you wake up.”
“Ethan’s here too.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Is it all right if I sleep over there?” I gushed before I could stop myself. “I just don’t want to be here alone with him.”
“Of course. I’ll leave the front door unlocked. Come on in and make yourself at home. I’ll be upstairs in my room.”
“Thanks, darling. I’ll be there in a minute.”
I tossed my phone back into my bag and headed back downstairs. I could hear the television blaring in the family room and I was sure Ethan had probably fallen asleep in the recliner. I opened the door as quietly as possible just to escape the argument and accusations that were sure to come.
The cold morning air hit me straight away nearly knocking the breath out of me. I wished I’d brought a heavier jacket, but there was no way I was going back inside to retrieve one. Instead, I took off in a half jog that was the best my sleepy legs could muster.
Despite the fact that I’d been in Jackson’s house more times than I could count in the last month or so, as I opened their front door, it hit me that I’d never seen his room. The only time I had even been on the second floor was with Emily. I was always curious about what his room looked like. A person’s bedroom is such a personal place it offers great insight into who they truly are and reflects so much of their personality. Anyone who didn’t know me could simply stand in the middle of my room, look around and know everything from where I attend school, what sports I play, music I love, to the styles I’m into. I couldn’t help but wonder what adorned the walls of Jackson’s room.
The house was dark and lifeless. It felt so strange without Emily and Robert. I hesitated a moment as I quietly closed the front door behind me and scanned over the darkened vastness surrounding me. I stood at the foot of the stairs with my hand resting on the rail staring nervously upwards.
I slowly ascended the tiger oak stairway filled with anxiety, butterflies and terror all jumbled together. Jackson’s bedroom was at the opposite end of the hall from his parents’ room. I stood in the doorway of the nearly darkened room and I could see him lying peacefully under the covers. I walked in as quietly as I could and set my bag on top his desk. He stirred a little and lifted his head.
“Hello, sweetheart. What took you so long?”
“It hasn’t been five minutes yet.” I smiled and walked to him.
He pulled the comforter back with a sleepy grin. “Come to bed. I am exhausted.”
I set my jacket on the desk chair and kicked off my sneakers. He turned over on his back and I crawled in bed beside him. He was wearing pajama bottoms but was absent a shirt. He had just a small amount of hair on his chest, not even enough to run my fingers through. His pecs and abs were stunningly well defined. It was the first time I had seen him so scarcely dressed and all it did was enhance my desire for him.
I curled up beside him and rested my head on his chest. Jackson wrapped his arms around me kissing the top of my head. “Do you always sleep in so many clothes?” he inquired.
I was wearing sweat shorts, a tee shirt and socks. It was typical sleeping apparel for me.
“Usually.” I could feel his bare legs rubbing up against mine as I draped mine over his.
“Well, after we are married we must get you something a little more appealing to sleep in,” he whispered.
“Are you saying you don’t like my pajamas?”
“I bet this is what you had planned on wearing to school today.”
I tried not to laugh because we both knew he was right.
“Hush.” I started to lean up towards his face, but he stopped me.
“Please. Don’t. I am struggling enough lying here in bed holding you and if you kiss me, I am afraid I would not have the strength to stop.”
“Do you want me to go home or downstairs to the couch?”
“If you want me to behave, then you’d better stop that.” I placed my arms over his while he held me tightly. I could feel him breathe and hear the strong steady rhythm of his heart.
“Sorry. Sweet dreams.”
“Sweet dreams, my love.”
***
The alarm on his nightstand told me it was almost three o’clock when I opened my eyes. For a minute I wasn’t sure where Jackson was but then I heard him moving around in the kitchen below. I sat up and looked around. The sunlight was trying to break through the cracks in the blinds, but was largely unsuccessful.
Jackson’s room was painted in a grayish blue color and had posters of Walter Payton, Peyton Manning, and other football heroes scattered on the walls, alongside various awards. His desk was neat and organized, unlike my own. He had various sport trophies on top his dresser with several pictures of family and friends tucked around the mirror. With the exception of being extremely clean and organized, it closely resembled my brother’s room.
I felt uneasy alone in his room. I scanned over everything, taking it all in. Something was different, something had changed. I reluctantly climbed out of the warm covers and wandered aimlessly about the spacious room. I searched my brain for some clue, some trigger, something that would give me the slightest hint as to what had transpired while are bodies rested in peaceful slumber. The nagging feeling I’d felt at the movie theater rushed back even stronger than before.
Jackson walked into the room carrying a tray covered in delicious looking foods. “Good afternoon, sleepy head.” His voice was cheerful and bright.
I froze to the spot I stood in. The moment my eyes reached his, I knew. It hit me so fast that it literally knocked the air right out of my lungs. Jackson stopped in the doorway and stared at me with a frightened look on his face. A wave of ice soared through my body causing me to drop to my knees. I felt close to hysterics as the realization and magnitude of it fully rested deep within my heart.
Deep sobs escaped from somewhere inside my soul. I wrapped my arms around my stomach in some futile attempt to hold myself together. Jackson dropped the tray without hesitation and rushed to my side. He pulled me into his arms as I went into full blown hysterical sobs clinging to him for my very life.
“Why? Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? You let me leave!” I looked at his tear-streaked face and realized for the first time that he was crying also.
“I don’t know. I couldn’t,” he squeaked out in a weak voice, shaking his head slowly.
I pushed him away and scrambled to my feet. Jackson gazed at me helplessly, pleading for understanding as he rose slowly. He reached out his arms for me, taking a step forward, which only made me take a step back away from him. I was too shocked and stunned with disbelief that this had happened.
“You don’t know? You don’t know?” I shouted through my tears. My body rippled with pain and rage.
How could he do this to me? To us?
“What the hell do you mean, you don’t know? What kind of answer is that?”
“Jocelyn. Please! Let me explain,” he begged.
“Oh, now you want to explain? Too little too late, don’t you think?”
“We can fix this. It is all intertwined, don’t you see? If we fix it here it will directly affect the outcome there. Please! Jocelyn!” he took another step towards me, but I backed away again.
My head was screaming and my entire body was numb. Everything that I had been through, my parents, my brother. It had all been in vain. I shook my head wildly. “No! No! Not now. I can’t do this now.” I backed myself around the room towards the door. “I’ve got to go.”
I blindly ducked out the doorway and took off at a sprint.
***
I slammed the front door and ran up the stairs. I barely made it to the bathroom before I vomited. Between the sobbing and the never-ending dry heaves, my body was spent. I splashed some cold water on my face and reached for my toothbrush.
“Are you sure you aren’t pregnant?” The sound of Ethan’s voice made me jump.
“Not now, Ethan! Please! Save your insults for later.” I look up at him and could see he was shocked by my appearance.
“Are you all right? What happened?” he asked in a gentle voice.
“As if you care.”
“I do.”
“Right,” I scoffed at him, “Well, you can celebrate now. I’m not pregnant and I’m not getting married.”
I started brushing my teeth leaving him standing with his mouth hanging open. I finished up and rinsed my mouth before tossing my toothbrush on the counter. I turned to leave but Ethan stood blocking the doorway.
“What?” I asked in a loud tone.
“What happened?” he asked again.
“You won. That’s what happened. Now get out of my way!”
I shoved him as hard as I could to get past him. He relented and watched me storm into my room and slam the door behind me.
I paced around my room trying to focus on one topic. My mind jumped back and forth between scenes from both places. I could see myself standing in Jackson’s bedroom arguing with him, then I was there having an almost identical argument with him downstairs in his living room where we were both dressed in dated attire. I could feel the agony that ripped my heart in two for days on end. The never-ending abyss of not knowing. The dark uncertain future that loomed before me as I contemplated living without the man I loved more than life. The pain was unreal.
I spun around my room searching for my bag when I realized I had left it on Jackson’s desk. I had left my coat, bag, and cell phone in his room. I screamed out in frustration and grabbed Jackson’s birthday gift, the beautiful delicate pocket watch off my nightstand and threw it as hard as I could against the wall. It broke in several pieces and the inside parts scattered across my floor near the broken remains.
I rushed over to the shattered metal and collapsed on the floor, gathering it up in my hands. The tears and sobs returned full force and I gave myself over to them. It was too much.
I would never again let someone into my heart.
CHAPTER 24
Saturday, November 23, 1878
THE RAIN PATTERED AGAINST MY WINDOW, bringing me out of a restless slumber. Tears immediately brimmed in my eyes as images of the scene in Jackson’s modern bedroom replayed over again. On both planes, I witnessed the man I love refuse to be completely honest with me and fight to save our love.
I could not fathom what had transpired that I was unaware of to cause him to have such a change of heart. Then it rushed over me so quickly, like a veil had lifted over my darkened eyes. I rolled over with my eyes tightly shut. I could see the photos plainly as if I was the one holding the brittle antique album in my hands. My three babies, that were so amazingly beautiful, I would now never hold in my arms. I would never have the picturesque family that smiled lovingly from the white gazebo. My sons Gavin, Ethan, and my sweet, beautiful Alyssa would never be born into this painful existence.
It felt so silly to miss something that I’d never had in the first place, yet in some strange way, I did. I saw them, held them, loved them. We were a happy family and it had all been documented in black and white, plain as day. Why was Jackson so willing to let them go? I realized he had no way of knowing that the holes in my consciousnesses were enlarging by the day and that events were becoming vividly clear in my mind shortly after they occurred.
Should I tell him that I know about the album, the journals, his mother’s wedding dress…our children? Should I inform him that he can no longer hide things from me because the events are invading this world making his frivolous attempts to keep them from me, pointless? No, I will not tell him.
For the life of me I couldn’t understand why he was willing to believe me to be so naïve and trusting that I would never see the truth.
He knows the barrier be
tween my two worlds is falling apart, how could he think I wouldn’t discover the photos of our life together—that would now never exist?
A soft tapping on my door brought me back into this current reality and the misery it held.
“Yes,” I responded in a low voice.
William hesitantly entered my room and took a seat on the corner of my bed. He looked tired like he did in the time before his own wedding, when his world was falling apart.
“How are you feeling?” he gently placed his hand on my side.
“Not well.”
“What happened between you two?” His voice was gentle and full of concern, but it was impossible for me to tell him the truth. All I could do was slowly shake my head.
“I spoke with Jackson last evening…”
“William, please…”
“Jocelyn, you two must work this out. I do not know what happened, but I am sure it is nothing that is worth losing the love of your life for.”
“What did he tell you?”
“Not much really. He aggravated me more than anything,” he glanced towards the window. “He told me that you called off the engagement because of something he did, but he would not go into detail regarding his behavior. He kept saying that it was between you two and if you wanted to tell me, that was your decision, but he would not.”
“The reason no longer matters. The outcome remains the same. The wedding is canceled. Our relationship is over.” I brushed the tears away angrily. I wished they would just stop, but broken hearts don’t tend to mend so quickly.
“Jocelyn, Jackson is destroyed. I have never seen him so distraught. Is there no possible way to work this out?”
I shook my head slightly.
“There must be a way. I have never seen two people more in love and perfectly suited for one another. You cannot throw it all away.”
“I did not throw anything away. He did.” The words sounded childish to my own ears. I could only imagine how they sounded to his.
Enlightened Page 24
