William cracked a smile. “You are so incredibly stubborn.”
“I wonder where I get that from, big brother?” I couldn’t help but smile through my tears.
“Perhaps, but I do know that stubbornness and pride are not worth throwing away a lifetime of happiness with the one you love.”
“I did not do anything wrong. Jackson did this to us, not I.”
“Now is not the time to place blame. It is a time for forgiveness,” he patted my side. “He is truly destroyed, Jocelyn. He loves you more than life and the very thought of living without you is killing him. Please, just talk with him. I know you two can work this out.”
“Not this time. It is too late for that. It is over.” My declaration ripped the fragile strings that were barely holding my heart intact. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around William’s neck as the hysterical sobbing took hold of me once more.
I cried for everything I had lost, everything that I was losing, everything that I would never have now that Jackson was no longer in my life. I cried until the pain overtook me and I drifted back off in a restless slumber.
***
It was early evening when I opened my eyes again. Only the warm glow of the embers added to the darkness. I crawled out of bed and wandered over to the bay window. I pulled the curtain aside and found my eyes resting on the house that once felt like a second home. I slid down the wall and slumped into the seat. My dry eyes could not turn away. Even the dim lights from behind their curtains no longer looked inviting.
“You should really talk with him, my dear.” Mother’s voice startled me out of my stupor.
“I was just checking to see if it had finally stopped raining,” I lied and we both knew it.
She came over and joined me on the window seat. “Jocelyn, I believe this entire thing has been blown way out of proportion. So, you and Mr. Jackson had a disagreement. It will happen from time to time. That is no reason to throw away a three year relationship and call off your wedding.”
“It is more involved than that, Mother.”
“I am sure it is my dear, and I know that what happened is between the two of you.” Instantly I felt a rush of relief. “Your father and I have been married over thirty years and during that time, we have had some heated disagreements. The ability to compromise and forgive is crucial in any successful relationship. I know you can be stubborn, but allowing your pride to stand in the way of love is going to only make you unhappy.”
I turned back towards the window and wondered what Jackson was doing at this moment.
Is he as miserable as I? I doubt it. How could he be? After all, this was his choice, not mine! Obviously, this is what he wanted or he would have stopped me yesterday evening.
“Darling…” I turned back to meet her eye. “Mr. Jackson is downstairs and would very much like to speak with you.”
I got up and walked back over to my bed. “I have nothing to say to Mr. Jackson. You can send him home,” I stated as calmly as possible, hoping my voice wouldn’t crack.
“I believe you have plenty to say to him and I think you should be honest with him.”
“I was honest with him. That is what started the beginning of the end. It was he who could not be honest with me. A marriage cannot be built on dishonesty. I have to know that he is not covering up something because he believes it is in my best interest to do so. Honesty and trust are the foundation of every successful marriage and I cannot spend my life with a man whom I cannot trust to be honest with me!”
Mother came over and joined me on the bed, “I know, but love is not easy and working things out can be hard, forgiving is even harder.”
“Mother,” I sighed deeply. “Please, just send him home. There is nothing to work out or forgive.”
“If that is what you want, my darling, I will take care of it.” She hugged me tightly. “But only on one condition, you get yourself out of this nightgown, clean up and come downstairs and have dinner with your family.”
“I will clean up, but I would prefer not to join the family for dinner if that is all right with you. I really do not feel like seeing anyone just yet.”
“You will have to face the family sooner or later, Jocelyn. No one is going to say anything and you might as well start small. Remember, Thanksgiving is only a few days away and everyone will be here.”
“Fine,” I huffed. “I will be down within the hour.”
“Thank you. I will send Mimi up to help you after I speak with Mr. Jackson.” She smiled lovingly before she exited the room.
I returned to the window and rested my head against the cold pane hoping and praying I was making the right decision. My head believed everything I had said to my mother but my heart was screaming at me to run downstairs and beg Jackson to forgive me for my irrational behavior. I wanted nothing more than to put things right between us, but I knew I had to stand firmly on my beliefs. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t hear Mimi come up the stairs.
“He’s still talkin’ with Mrs. Timmons,” Mimi said on her way into my room.
“I wanted to make sure he was gone before I went downstairs,” I answered flatly.
“I’s sure ya ma’ll take care of that, honey,” she smiled warmly.
After soaking in a long, hot bubble bath and washing the tears and sweat out of my matted hair, Mimi picked out the most beautiful gown for me. I noticed while she was searching my gowns in the armoire that the beautiful gown that Emily had designed for my birthday was suddenly missing. I said nothing about its absence since I knew I’d never wear it again anyway.
Mimi applied a little subtle make-up before she worked her magic on my hair. She hummed softly as she worked just as she always had for as long as I could remember.
“How ya holdin’ up, child?” she asked, twisting my hair.
“Not well. How are you feeling?” I gave her a weak smile and tried to change the subject.
“My back’s still achin’, but I’s all right.” She lightly patted my shoulder and continued, “I’s real sorry ‘bout…” she let her voice trail off.
“Thank you, Mimi. So am I.” I gently laid my hand over hers for a brief moment and locked my eyes with hers for a second in my reflection in the mirror.
“Ya sure?”
“Yes, I wish I was not, but I am.” A single teardrop fell upon my cheek.
***
I joined my parents, William, and Olivia in the dining room for dinner. The men stood as I entered and I hated feeling their eyes upon me knowing full well what each of them was thinking.
“Good evening sweetheart, you look lovely.” My father came over and pulled my chair out.
“Thank you, Father.”
Sarah and Cora brought the food in and the rest of them fell into mindless conversation. Although I was seated next to them their words fell on deaf ears. I aimlessly fiddled around with the food on my plate without ever tasting it. In the back of my mind I was aware that the four of them were still paying close attention to everything I was doing, but I didn’t care. I had no desire to eat. Jackson was the only nourishment my body required and without him, nothing could fill that void.
I finally excused myself and fled to my room about halfway through the meal. I could no longer stand the sympathetic stares from each of them. I heard another chair scoot across the floor as I reached the stairs only to be followed by the voice of my mother telling William to let me go and give me time. For that I was very grateful.
A low rapping on the door forced me back into the dreariness that surrounded me. An image of Jackson standing on the other side of my door was the first thought that entered my mind, but the small voice in my head reminded me that he would never do such a thing and my heart sank instantly to my feet.
“Jocelyn?” Phoebe’s voice whispered softly.
“Yes?”
Why would she of all people be at my door?
“May I please speak with you?”
“Of course.” I walked over to the door an
d slowly opened it. “I apologize, I was not expecting you.”
“I know. I am sorry to just drop by but my parents told me this afternoon what happened. I wanted to see how you are doing.” She walked in with hesitation and took a seat in my vanity chair.
“I see.” I sat down on the edge of my bed. “How are Wallace and Mr. Silas?”
“Very well, thank you. But we both know I did not come here to discuss my family.”
“Phoebe…” I began, but she quickly cut me off.
“Jocelyn, you and I both know that this whole mess is completely silly and juvenile.”
“Is that your way of calling me a child?” I could feel the heat rising up to my cheeks.
“No….no, not at all.” She got up and took a seat beside me on my bed. “What I am trying to say is that this whole EVE thing is very new to you and in that sense, the stage you are in with that, well you essentially are a child, an infant really.” She placed her hands gently over mine.
“Jackson was not honest with me.”
“I know, he told me.”
“I cannot spend my life with someone whom I cannot trust to be honest with me.”
“I am not saying you are wrong. What I am trying to say is that you have to put a little blind faith in him and trust that what he was doing was with your best interest at heart and only for your protection.”
“He did not even try to explain the truth. Does he not realize the barrier is disintegrating a little more every day and he cannot protect me from my own mind?” I pleaded.
“I do not believe he was aware of how much you were witnessing. If he was he would have been more open to discussing things with you.” Phoebe tilted her head to the side in the same fashion as her brother.
“Why did he not bother to ask me? He made the assumption that I was completely ignorant.”
“Yes and he was wrong and now he is paying a very high price for it, do you not agree?”
“It does not matter now, our engagement is over, the wedding…canceled.” A single tear slid down my cheek and I hated myself for it.
“Jackson is miserable. I have never seen a man so destroyed.” A slight snort escaped from inside me. “Jocelyn, I am serious. He is a complete mess. He cried.”
“Well, he is not the only one.”
“Is there no way you will reconsider speaking with him? He is so sorry for the way he has behaved and wants so badly to correct things between you.”
“No. I do not believe that is possible.”
“Anything is possible,” Phoebe chuckled. “If you have learned anything recently with this whole EVE gift, it is that.”
A slight smile slid across my lips. “Very true, but that does not apply to the area of love or relationships.”
“I believe it does,” she stated flatly.
“Then we will have to agree to disagree,” I retorted.
“I know there is so much about all of this you cannot see right now. But I know my brother loves you dearly and you love him also. I know you do.”
“Yes, very much so. But this has nothing to do with lack of love. It is about trust and honesty and his lack of putting his in me.”
“He does have trust in you. However, it seems to me that you lack a great deal of faith in him. He was only trying to protect you, not be deceiving in any way,” she said angrily as she stood up and walked over to the door. “You know something Jocelyn, if this is how much faith you have in my brother then perhaps he is better off without you.”
“Perhaps he is Phoebe. Perhaps you should go tell him that. I did not want this…this EVE curse. This awakening. This new world that has been thrust upon me. I hate it. I hate that I have little control over every aspect of my life now. I cannot tell what is real, what is a memory or what is simply part of my overactive imagination. This is not the life I wanted. I wish I could change everything back to the way it was before this entire nightmare began.”
“Don’t you realize that we all went through this?” she walked back towards me. “We understand everything you are going through because we each experienced it as well. Therefore, you have to trust us when we tell you some things are better left unknown.”
She tried to put her hand on my shoulder but I backed away from her. “You had your family there for you. I do not. My parents, and obviously none of my brothers, inherited this curse. Only me. I am the one who has to face this alone,” I said softly.
“You are not alone Jocelyn. We are all here for you, especially Jackson. Plus you have your Uncle Monte.”
“My Uncle Monte? He has never bothered to discuss any of this with me. Not once,” I scoffed back.
“Maybe he does not know how much you need him. He probably believes that since you have my family that you are doing well with the transition. Maybe you should go talk with him,” she suggested.
“No, I cannot do that. He obviously wanted to put the whole EVE thing behind him. Otherwise, he would have tried to talk to me since he found out I have it also,” I said in a low voice. “He is happy now. I cannot dredge up a past that he worked so hard to put behind him.”
“I am sure he would be more than happy to talk with you.”
“Phoebe, I do appreciate your concern for me about EVE and especially my relationship with your brother or the lack thereof. But I really would like to be alone right now if you do not mind.”
“You know you cannot hide from everyone forever.” She picked up a throw pillow off my bed and absentmindedly fluffed it.
“I am not hiding from anyone.”
“All right, but would you please hear Jackson out? He loves you so very much. He needs you. You two are so perfect for each other and I hate to see you both in so much pain.” She tossed the pillow back onto my bed.
“I will think about it. I promise.” I was about to promise her anything if it meant she would go away.
She walked over and hugged me tightly. “Thank you, I know you will make the right decision.” She kissed my cheek and left without another word.
I paced around my room recalling my conversation with Phoebe. I wished it were so easy to do as she suggested, but I knew it wasn’t. I could never have the voice here to say or do as I pleased. There were so many things passing through my mind that I could never let slip pass my lips…not here, not in this time. In this time I was not allowed to have a voice of my own, it was simply not proper for a lady to speak her mind. I truly hated that.
CHAPTER 25
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I LAY WITH MY EYES CLOSED, not wanting to face the long lonely hours that were to come. The soothing sounds of the rain on the roof brought some comfort, but not much. I pulled the covers up over my head and dreaded the fourteen million questions that I knew were coming. I was sure the news of what had happened yesterday afternoon had already circulated amongst our group and probably others by now. I could only imagine the rumors, the speculation, the accusations—but those were the least of my problems. The love of my life was gone.
The very thought of living without Jackson pulled the breath from my lungs and sucked the life right out of me. I reached under my bed and pulled out the antique photo album. Resting it in on my lap, I sat staring at the cover wondering if the photographs had somehow changed, altered in some strange way now that events had so dramatically veered off the course of the past and somehow taken my future with it.
I took a deep breath and reluctantly opened the cover. Staring up at me was the exact same photograph that I’d previously seen, Jackson and I smiling happily on our wedding day. The appearance of it triggered tears and shot a sharp stabbing pain through the middle of my chest. It felt like a hot dagger had been plunged deep into my heart. Hyperventilation took over as I closely studied the face of the man who meant everything to me. My very existence was wrapped totally around his, my happiness, my sorrow, my very soul, every breath I would ever take was intrinsically linked with him.
I flipped through the pages for the next several hours, memorizing the
smallest details of every one of them. I couldn’t stop myself—the power of what was lost was hypnotizing. My aching head could not grasp the realization that these gorgeous children, our children, my children, would never exist. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and gently rocked back and forth numbly trying to accept what was lost.
But I couldn’t. I pushed the album off my lap and climbed out of bed. My mind was racing, there had to be a way, some way I could stop this pain. My hands twisted nervously while I scrambled for a solution that would save us both from a lifetime of misery. I knew I would never love again, that much I was sure of. But I also knew that I could not stand the thought of seeing Jackson. Having him near me, on either plane, was killing me. I couldn’t stand the thought of him moving on with his life, finding someone else, falling in love, marrying her, and having the children that were destined to me mine.
My eyes landed on my Uncle Monte’s journals resting safely on my nightstand. The very answer I needed was sitting right there before me. I wondered if it was at all possible for me to do what my uncle had done. Could I leave that place forever and only have a life in 2009? Could I never see my family or my friends again? If I did, if that is what I decided to do, I knew I would have to give Jackson up here as well. Besides, with us no longer getting married there, we would have no reason to get married here. In fact, he and his family could then move back to Boston and we could all go on with our lives before all this insanity ever began!
The heaviness in my chest grew deeper and settled into a mind-numbing pain. Thanksgiving was less than a week away. That would give me time to absorb all I could and a chance to say good-bye. On Thanksgiving night, I would speak with my Uncle Monte alone about how he left one plane in order to live happily in the other. I knew the only way I could survive a life without Jackson was to not survive.
***
I showered quickly, fully determined to do what I had to do. It was the only way to ease the pain. I threw on some old jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. My wet hair was brushed back away from my face, but I had no desire to fix it or put on any make-up. Appearances didn’t matter anymore.
Enlightened Page 25
