The house was quiet with only the sound of the television coming from the family room. I numbly opened the front door without a word to anyone. I closed the door behind me, and the cold air slapped me across the face, but I continued forward.
I walked past Jenna’s house and thought of the photograph of Jackson and me standing on her front porch. I shook my head blindly trying to force the image from my brain. The rain was coming down in sheets soaking through my clothes. My jacket, I assumed, was still draped over Jackson’s desk chair.
I continued down the sidewalk, my mind flashing back and forth between the concrete beneath my feet and the cobblestoned one that was here yesteryear. The barrier was crumbling and in its place was the realization that the world around me was no longer as it once seemed. My feet wandered where my heart wanted to go without any conscious effort by my brain.
Blocks away from my house stood a park that I had played in throughout my childhood. The various playground equipment, basketball courts, the baseball diamonds on one corner and soccer fields on the other had replaced what I now knew was once a scenic reign of beauty. The lavish rows of flowers, the cobblestone walkways, the multiple rows of blossoming trees had all been replaced by the modern world, just like everything else. Progress.
My feet carried me to the spot where the gazebo had once stood. A place where my happy family had once gathered for a picture, where Jackson had asked me to be his wife, a place where he had told me the truth about William and Olivia, where we’d had the most intimate talks. It had been torn down. Just as our love had been.
I sat down on the saturated ground letting the rain pour down on me. It was bitter cold. The wind whipped around me blowing the rain in every direction. Yet I felt nothing. No rain, no wind, nothing but emptiness.
“You are going to catch pneumonia sitting out here like this.” His voice came up behind me. I didn’t even bother to turn and look. I knew Jackson was standing only a few feet away from me.
“Jocelyn, please,” he hesitated, expecting a reply, but I had none.
I wondered how long he would stand there waiting for me to say something. I closed my eyes and waited for him to disappear. He didn’t.
“Will you please speak to me? I know we can work this out.”
He sat down beside me and tried to put his arm around me, but I shrugged him off.
“Will you please leave me alone?” I continued to look at the ground.
“No, I love you. I want to marry you…there and here. I want to spend my life with you. I know you still love me. You would not be sitting here, in this particular place, if you did not,” he pointed out.
“Of course I still love you. That’s not the point, Jackson, and you know it.” I still wouldn’t look at him.
“That is the point, Jocelyn. If two people love each other, there is nothing so great that they cannot work out,” he said softly.
“Jackson, please go away. I really want to be alone,” I begged. His being here with me made everything all the worse.
“Not until we talk first.” His persistence was beyond irritating. I just wanted to wallow alone in my own pity. I could feel the frustration building within me. I knew I needed to talk with him, tell him everything that I was thinking. I just didn’t know how to start. I knew he was not going to make it easy. In fact, I expected him to make it as difficult as possible.
“Fine, you want to talk? Let’s talk,” I finally relented and faced him.
“Jocelyn, why are you acting this way?” His eyes were clouded over and raindrops were dripping from his nose and eyelashes.
“Acting what way?”
“Cold.”
“It’s freezing out here.”
“That is not what I meant.”
“I know what you meant. I was being literal.” I wished he wouldn’t look at me. Those green eyes that I loved so much, I hated looking at them.
“Jocelyn…” he lowered his eyes and fidgeted with his hands. “I hate fighting with you.”
“I hate fighting with you too.” I took a deep breath trying to gather up my courage. “That is why I believe it would be best for both of us if you went back to BU. You can start the spring semester and move on with your life. You can leave this mess behind you and never look back.”
“What?” He looked stunned by my words. “What do you mean? You want me to leave?”
I nodded slowly while my heart screamed out in agony. “If we aren’t getting married there, then there’s no reason for us to be together here. Our marriage was the only reason you came in the first place anyway,” I reasoned.
“My leaving is not going to change anything, Jocelyn,” he stated flatly.
“Yes, it will. I won’t have to look at you every day. We can both try to start putting our lives back together. I can’t do that with you here. It’s too hard.” I hated myself for the damn tears that started up again.
“I will still be there,” he claimed softly before the realization of what I meant fully set in. “No!” he exclaimed. Jackson’s face twisted up in pain.
“It’s the only way either of us can move on,” I claimed.
“Please, Jocelyn. Do not do this! Think of what it will do.” His breathing increased. “This will kill your family! Think of Annabelle, Patrick…” he stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of me. “How can you do this to them? How selfish can you be?” Jackson raised his voice over the sound of the rain.
I climbed to my feet to confront him. “I’m not being selfish. I’m trying to put my life back together after you demolished it!” I shouted back. “And I barely even know them. They aren’t even real to me at this point. They’re more of a weird dream than anything else!” I screamed knowing full well we both knew I was lying. “Besides, you’re the one who came here, lied about your age, integrated yourself within my group of friends, turned my world upside down, and now my family is torn apart! My mother and my brother aren’t even speaking to me because of you. Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage?”
We faced one another with a silent tension filling the space between us. Jackson fumed in frustration. His face was turning pink despite the cold air and he placed his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking. I wasn’t exactly sure what he was going to do to try and sabotage my plan but I was positive he was going to do something.
“Is that what you really think?” he questioned.
“In a way…yes!” I struggled to remain strong.
“Why would you even consider something so devious? You have an amazing family that loves you more than you realize. They would be devastated if they lost you.” His eyes softened a bit.
“I am trying to be logical. I know this world. I’m comfortable here. I have a life here.”
“You have a life there! We have a life there!”
“Jackson…please.” I shifted my weight starting to feel the cold dampness in my bones for the first time. “Try to understand,” I pleaded. “That life is still not entirely real to me yet, but this one is. I want to end this before the holes in my consciousness get any larger and it becomes impossible to do so. I haven’t reached that point yet. Now, while it still feels mostly surreal and as long as I keep telling myself it is, I can put it all behind me.”
“You honestly believe that hurting them just to hurt me is going to make this all better?”
“I am not deliberately hurting them,” I rebuked. “I don’t even know them.”
“Yes, you do. Look into your heart and you know that is true,” he stated hotly.
I could not meet his eye, I knew what he was saying was true but I couldn’t admit that, especially to myself. As long as I kept reminding myself that they weren’t, I’d be able to do this. The pain would be too much if I admitted it.
“Jackson, please just go back to Boston. Go to school and move on with your life. I want you to be happy.”
He took a step forward reaching out for me. I was frozen in my stance. “I will never be happy without you in my lif
e.” His hands rested on my arms. His powerful green eyes implored me. “You are my life, Jocelyn. I will never stop loving you. Please. Do not ask me to walk away.”
“I have no other choice. Don’t you understand that?”
“You do have a choice. We can work this out. I know we can.”
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth there?” I had to know.
Jackson’s face went blank. “How much are you seeing?” he questioned in a low voice.
“How do you expect us to work this out if I cannot trust that you will always be honest with me?”
“You have not answered me, Jocelyn. How much are you aware of on both planes?”
I immediately jerked myself away from his grasp and took a couple steps back. “Does it matter? You’re going to lie to me anyway, for my own good. I can’t believe anything that you say to me!” I sobbed through the tears and the rain. Jackson’s face looked pain-stricken.
“Jocelyn…” he stepped towards me.
In great haste, I fled across the field. My lungs screamed for air as I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. I heard him call out to me a couple more times but I never stopped. I didn’t trust myself. I knew he would wear me down and I would give in. I loved him more than life. It was killing me to let him go. My heart splintered into pieces with every step that carried me away from all I had ever wanted.
***
Jenna came by before dinner. I had Ethan tell her I was sick and would call her later. He gave me a pitiful look, but did as I asked. I wasn’t sure if he’d told her about our break-up. It really didn’t matter either way, she’d find out soon enough. Everyone would.
My dad knocked on my door right before ten o’clock, waking me out of an exhausted sleep brought about from endless tears and a throbbing headache.
“Jocelyn?” he whispered, poking his head in my room.
“Yeah?” I forced my eyes open.
He entered and took a seat on my bed. I could tell he was carrying something but couldn’t make out what he held in his hands.
“How ya feelin’?” he lightly patted my leg.
“Guess Ethan told you.”
“Yeah.”
“Great,” I muttered under my voice.
“Jackson dropped this off earlier for you.” He set my bag and jacket on my desk chair. “He also wanted me to give you this and to tell you that loves you and he’s sorry for all his shortcomings.”
I half sat up in my bed and turned on the lamp on my nightstand. My dad handed me a sealed ivory envelope with my name on it in Jackson’s familiar handwriting.
“I’m not sure what happened between you two and I know it’s none of my business, but I do know you, and you have never once acted impulsively. For you to make such a declaration of love in such a short amount of time leads me to believe that it had to be the real thing,” he smiled lovingly at me.
“I do love him, Daddy, more than anything. I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else,” I confirmed softly.
“Then if you truly love him, baby, there’s nothing you can’t work out. The boy’s a mess, I’ve never seen a young man so heartbroken,” he laughed lightly. “And to be perfectly honest, pumpkin, you don’t look so great either.”
“Gee thanks, Daddy, you really know how to make someone feel better.” I couldn’t help but crack a smile.
“Relationships are difficult at best, and men are jerks. To put it nicely,” he laughed. “We are stupid, prideful creatures who hate to admit when we’re wrong.”
“I won’t argue with you on that.”
“But your young man knows what he did was wrong and I believe him when he says he’s sorry. I’ve never seen someone look so pitiful. You really should consider hearing him out.” He gave me a mournful, pleading look.
“I’ll think about it,” I said just to appease him.
“Good. Well you get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Sweet dreams.”
“You too, Daddy.”
I waited until my door was safely closed before ripping open the envelope. I was terrified to see what Jackson had to say. My hands shook steadily as I attempted to remove the pages. His elegant handwriting gleamed up at me from the parchment.
My Dearest Jocelyn,
I have given the greatest consideration to everything we have discussed and all that you said to me in the last two days. I apologize for being so thoughtless. I was only trying to protect you. I am afraid I was unaware of how much you were witnessing and the extent of the disintegration of your consciousness between your two worlds. My only excuse for my behavior is that I was attempting to protect you there from the realization of your accidental discovery here. My concern was in your knowing too much about what your future held and the impact it could have on you.
I assure you that I only had the sincerest of intentions in my decision. I would never do anything to disappoint you or cause you to doubt your ability to trust and have faith in my love for you. I implore you to reconsider your decision. I understand your reasoning and in order to prevent such drastic actions, I have decided to relocate upon the completion of my courses. I promise you that I will in no way interfere with your life.
As far as your life here, I apologize for any and all discord I have caused. I never intended to upset you or your family. Therefore, I have come to the decision to return to Boston this evening. I will be residing with my sister and her family and will make the necessary arrangements to resume my classes at the university in the spring. My parents shall be returning after the holiday to make arrangements for the sale of our home here. I will not be returning. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience I have put upon you, your family and your friends.
I do want you to know that I am always here for you. I will always love you with all my heart and soul. Nothing or no one will ever take your place in my heart. If you ever feel alone or ever need a friend, I will be here for you until the very end.
Love Always & Forever,
Jackson Chandler
His words stabbed right through my heart. I dropped the letter and dashed over to the bay window throwing the curtains aside. Jackson’s house sat lonely and dark in the night. His CRV was missing from its usual location. I grabbed my cell phone out of my bag and dialed his number as fast as my fingers would move. It went straight to voicemail. I threw the phone on my bed in despair. He was gone! Even though he had done exactly what I had requested of him, the realization that I would never set eyes on his beautifully sculpted face again was unbearable.
I collapsed into a ball on the window seat, crying out in agony. The future that was so certain such a short time ago had slipped through my fingers. My husband to be, my children, the happy life that had been carefully documented was all but gone. My life, the very essence of my being, the reason for my existence had disappeared in a matter of moments. All I could do was weep.
CHAPTER 26
Sunday, November 24, 1878
WILLIAM KNOCKED LIGHTLY ON MY DOOR before entering my room. I was still seated in the window looking longingly across the street. I just wanted to catch a glimpse of him when he left for church. I had to see him. The last vision I had of him could not be of the two of us standing in the rain arguing and me fleeing.
Why had I been so stubborn? Why didn’t I tell him how much I love him, that I was sorry? Why didn’t I beg him to forgive my foolishness? Why didn’t I put an end to all this stupidity when he came over to speak with me?
“He is not there,” William’s voice broke the silence of my hollow room.
“What do you mean? Where is he?”
I couldn’t take my eyes off his house. I saw Emily and Robert walk out the front door and Robert help her into their carriage. They had closed the door behind them with no Jackson anywhere to be seen.
“He left late last night for his aunt’s place in Boston.” He came over and sat down on the other end of the window seat. His face was sad and concerned. “He said he woul
d be back for finals on campus but plans on returning to Boston for a couple weeks to study for the bar. He told me last night that instead of joining his father’s practice, he has decided that he is going to join his uncle’s in Boston.”
A silent tear ran down my cheek as the complete magnitude of my decision fully set in.
“Jackson said that without you, he could not bring himself to stay here.” He reached out and pulled me into his arms. “I am so sorry, Jocelyn.”
I curled up in the security of my brother’s arms and wept uncontrollably. It was truly over. He was gone forever.
CHAPTER 27
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I WOKE UP CRAMPED IN A BALL on the window seat. My legs and back ached from the uncomfortable position my body had been in for hours. The faded light couldn’t break through the cloud-covered skies. The rain had stopped, but the moisture still held heavy over the air. I stretched my muscles and my head screamed out in pain. The long hours of sobbing had taken its toll both mentally and physically.
I made my way over to my bed and flopped across it. I never wanted to move. I closed my eyes just wishing the world around me would disappear and take me with it. I shifted my legs and heard the sound of paper crumbling beneath me. I pulled Jackson’s note back into view. It was smudged with tears. I held it tightly in my hands rereading each and every carefully chosen word he’d written to say farewell and knew they would haunt me for the rest of my life.
***
Jenna arrived in the early afternoon after several unsuccessful tries to reach me on my cell. She never bothered to knock, just walked in and sat down on the corner of my bed. I barely opened my eyes when I felt her weight disrupt the loneliness of my hell.
“Jocelyn?”
“What?” I muttered closing my eyes once again. Even the small amount of light in my dreary room hurt my aching head.
“Can I get you anything?”
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