“No.”
“Ethan told me what happened. I’m really sorry.” She reached over and brushed my hair away from my face.
“Doesn’t matter,” I whispered, feeling the tears sting my eyes again.
Silence filled the four walls. She had no words to ease my pain and we both knew nothing she could say would. She continued to stroke my hair doing the only thing she could think of and it was more than I deserved. If I hadn’t been so hard-headed, so prideful, so incredibly stubborn and stupid, I would have Jackson in my arms at this moment. I had no one to blame for the hell I was consumed in but myself. Jackson tried relentlessly to speak with me, explain his behavior, and I would not listen. I had shoved him away, asked him to leave my life and never return.
How can I blame him for doing precisely what I asked? I knew I could not.
Jenna stayed beside me for the remainder of the day. Though we rarely spoke and she never inquired as to the details of our break-up, her very presence was a great comfort.
CHAPTER 28
Wednesday, November 27, 1878
I NUMBLY LISTENED TO ELIZABETH CHATTER about her and her mother’s endless preparations for the arrival of Lee’s family that evening and the enormous amount of food necessary for hosting such a large holiday feast. The moist, chilly wind blew around us as we made our way the several blocks to school. She was being kind in trying to fill the silence with mindless chatter and to distract me from the only thought my mind possessed.
The news of our separation had already made its rounds and everyone was giving me pitiful looks and offering their condolences. I hated the way everyone was staring at me and even worse, the hushed whispers behind my back when they naively believed me to be out of earshot. The countless speculations on the whereabouts of Jackson and his sudden disappearance placed all the blame of his departure on my shoulders.
Maryanne and another classmate of ours, Greta, were huddled together at the bottom of the steps of the main entrance, whispering and giggling in our direction as Elizabeth, Laurie, Christina, and I approached.
“Perhaps I will call upon Mr. Jackson to make sure he is doing all right. I would hate to think of him spending Thanksgiving all alone,” Maryanne giggled. “You realize Greta, Miss Jocelyn certainly is not as bright as her new sister-in-law. If she would have gotten herself in a family way too, perhaps Mr. Jackson never would have left her.”
“It is most likely the only way she would be able to keep a man like that! But then again, he would have to touch her first and that is most unlikely,” Greta responded laughing.
I stopped in my tracks causing the other three girls to stop also. Elizabeth placed her hand gently on my arm. “Pay them no mind, Miss Jocelyn,” she said calmly.
“Not this time,” I said hotly and stalked over to where the other two were waiting, knowing full well they’d aroused my attention.
“Hello, Miss Jocelyn. I am sorry to hear you have had a difficult week,” Maryanne smirked.
“Well, I must say, you seem very satisfied with yourself,” I stated coyly.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Greta asked, looking ignorant.
I rolled my eyes at her and focused my attention back at Maryanne. “You know it is such a shame that Mr. Jackson is visiting family in Boston. However, Mr. Dimitri happens to still be in Chicago,” I couldn’t help myself. “I would hate to think of him spending the holidays alone. I was uncertain as to whether or not I was going to call upon him this afternoon and invite him over tomorrow evening for some dessert, now I believe I will.”
“Mr. Dimitri would never give you the time of day,” she stated coldly.
“We shall see about that,” I sneered.
“We will work our problems out. You stay away from him,” she demanded.
“It seems to me Mr. Dimitri does not believe it is going to snow in hell any time soon,” I snickered.
Maryanne was flabbergasted, much to my own selfish enjoyment. “I do hate you, Jocelyn Timmons! You deserve all the pain and heartache from losing Mr. Jackson that I suffered losing Mr. Dimitri. I truly hope you are miserable!” she shouted, her face turning beat red.
“Thank you, Maryanne. I appreciate that. It is such a comfort to know that there are people like you in this world who take such pleasure in other people’s misfortunes. I am sure that someday you will get everything you deserve,” I said evenly before walking away.
Laura, Christina and even Elizabeth were snickering when I rejoined them. “Sorry,” I apologized to them. “I could not help myself.”
“Understandable,” Laura giggled.
“I could not have said it better myself,” Christina added. “Are you really going to invite Mr. Dimitri over for dessert?”
“Of course not,” I whispered back. “I just wanted to get a rise out of her. As much as I think of Mr. Dimitri, I am not interested in being counterproductive in working things out with Jackson.”
“I believe you are right,” Elizabeth concluded, and the other two nodded in agreement.
***
William was waiting for me in the front room when I returned home. The house seemed unusually quiet for mid afternoon and I wondered where everyone had gone.
“How were your classes today?” he greeted.
“Fine.” I sat down beside him by the hearth trying to warm myself up.
“Are you feeling any better?” he inquired.
“No,” I smiled glumly. “But I am afraid it is my own fault. I am the one who told him to go away.”
William gave me a confused look. “Why in the world would you do that?”
“Is it not obvious?” I stared off into the flames. “I am stupid.” I hated the tears that welled back up in my eyes.
“You are not stupid,” he half-laughed. “Selfish perhaps, but not stupid.” He placed his hands over mine attempting to comfort me.
“Well, I suppose I am that also,” I sighed heavily. “I only wish I could speak with him and apologize.”
“I believe you should,” he smiled brightly. “Then perhaps we can put all of this foolishness behind us.”
“I wish it were so easy.”
“It is,” he acted thrilled by the prospect.
“No, it is not I am afraid. I believe that this time I went too far and nothing I could say to him could make him reconsider his decision.” I brushed the tears aside.
“I do not believe that for one minute, little sister. I know Jackson very well and his love for you, his faith in you, will never wane,” he squeezed my hand firmly.
I shook my head somberly wishing I too could be so naïve in spirit and belief. “William please…I do not enjoy entertaining such topics. Let us not speak of it again.”
I patted the top of his hand and rose out of the rocking chair to leave.
As I exited the room William responded, “Only you can set this right, Jocelyn.”
“That is exactly what I intend to do…tomorrow night,” I whispered back under my breath so he could not hear me.
***
I sat in my window seat, staring out into the evening sky, wishing that I had more time. More time to absorb every fiber, every smell, every single detail of my life here before I let it go forever. With the gaps increasing daily it was becoming almost exhausting trying to keep it all straight. Thank goodness for the drastic differences in the fashion and all the other variances. It was the only thing that was allowing me to maintain some semblance of sanity. I knew without the guidance of Jackson and his parents, the possibility of me preserving anything remotely close to sanity as the barrier in my consciousness crumbled between my two lives was minuscule. Just in the last five days since their departure, I had been feeling as if I was constantly walking on quicksand, falling through time from one plane to the other without any true rest or solace in between.
The darkness covered the outside world like a warm blanket. Everything around me was peaceful and calm. The aroma of Sarah’s amazing cooking drifted beneath my door letting me know t
hat dinner would be on the table shortly. I knew the comforting sense of home that her cooking brought me would never be found there and I felt a dreaded sense of loss. Amy was barely capable of boiling water and the mere thought made me smile.
The absurdity of the reality that I was living in was nothing short of unimaginable. The many hours that I spent fixated on the concept, attempting to somehow wrap my fragile brain around this ever-increasing insanity, had only reinforced my decision to end it now. I wanted the fog to lift and disappear forever. I wanted to be normal again, whatever that may be. The impossible paradox that I existed within flooded every sense of reality that I waded through. Nothing seemed real anymore. I no longer had any inkling as to who I was supposed to be.
Perhaps it was all simply a dream.
I was ready to awaken.
CHAPTER 29
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
DESPITE THE FACT THAT JACKSON HAD LEFT for Boston and had not been at school all week, my dear sweet brother was kind enough to let everyone know that my relationship with Jackson had ended. It seemed I was getting looks and whispers behind my back constantly from people in the school. By the time I sat down at our table in the cafeteria, my nerves were shot.
I angrily set my lunch down on the table and kicked what would normally have been Jackson’s seat out of my way. “Could this day get any worse?”
“Just ignore them. It’s no one’s business what happened,” Jenna tried to comfort me.
“I hate high school,” I muttered, picking at the disgusting pizza in front of me.
“I’m sure by the time we come back from Thanksgiving break there will be something new to occupy their time,” Caitlyn offered.
“Is Jackson coming back?” Zak leaned around Caitlyn and asked. Caitlyn shot him a dirty look and elbowed him in the ribs. “What? I’m just asking because Coach was pissed that he took off without saying anything and missed practices all week.”
“I don’t know, Zak,” I stated flatly.
I couldn’t bring myself to answer him honestly. In the back of my heart, I didn’t want to admit the truth even to myself. I wanted to cling to the hope that Jackson would come rushing back and take me into his arms and all would be forgiven.
“Nice, Zak.” Hilary glared at him from across the table.
“No, really,” I sighed and pushed my lunch tray away from me. “I’m sorry, Zak. I really don’t know anything. I haven’t spoken to him since he left.”
Zak nodded and thankfully dropped the subject.
I was almost feeling better when Taylor and Dakota came up behind me purposely, casually carrying their lunches. The two of them paused long enough to flaunt their delight in my pain.
“You knew it was only a matter of time before he dumped her. He was way too good for her,” Dakota smirked.
“Yeah, he probably dumped her when he found out she wasn’t pregnant. Guess she had to lie to try and keep him. It’s not like he would actually be with her for any other reason,” Taylor laughed.
Something inside my head snapped and I saw red for the first time ever in my life. Before any of my friends could even think of responding to the two of them, I shoved myself back from the table, ramming my chair into Dakota. Without any thought whatsoever, I tackled Taylor down to the cafeteria floor between the tables. I blindly started swinging at her smug hateful face. I was vaguely aware of the muffled voices screaming around me as I screamed out everything I had ever thought of this girl since grade school while continually pounding my fists against her face. All the anger, all the hurt, all the frustration that had been building up in me for weeks came pouring out in a blind rage like nothing I had ever experienced before in my life.
Mrs. Neal-Beliveau grabbed me under my arms and pulled me off Taylor. I was still screaming and throwing punches, trying my damndest to free myself so I could continue waling on Taylor as my biology teacher literally dragged me out of the cafeteria.
“Jocelyn Timmons!” she shouted in my ear, “Calm down!” She held me tightly against her in the hall until I finally returned to my senses.
“You okay?” she asked, and I nodded still fuming, but calmer. “Can I let you go and you won’t do anything stupid?”
“Yes.”
She released me and I leaned back against the wall and slid down completely spent.
“What in the world has gotten into you, Jocelyn?” she kneeled down beside me.
“I’m so sick and tired of her thinking she owns this place. She prances around here like some queen with her smart remarks making people feel like crap.” I looked up into her understanding eyes. “She and Dakota made a couple snide comments about Jackson and I breaking up and I snapped,” I explained.
“I’m sorry. I understand what you’re going through.” She looked at me and laughed. “Believe it or not, I was in high school once too. I know how those girls are. The same ones went to my school. You realize that even though time has passed, the crowds are still the same. It has always been that way and it always will be. Only the styles change. There will always be the jocks, the cheerleaders, the nerds, the geeks. Every high school in the country is the same.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just she’s been a wench since grade school, her and Dakota both.”
Normally I would never talk to a teacher like this, but Mrs. Neal-Beliveau was different. She treated us like we were people, not just something she had to deal with between summer breaks.
“Taylor has been relentless in her pursuit of Jackson since he moved here and today, she danced all over my last nerve and I snapped.”
“You know that’s no excuse for your behavior.”
“I know.”
The cafeteria door swung open and Mr. Dunn, our chemistry teacher, came out aiding a sobbing Taylor who was holding a wad of napkins against her bloody nose. The rest of her face was already swelling and bright red.
“I’ll meet you both down in Mrs. Cosgrove’s office,” Mr. Dunn said.
I wasn’t sure but I could’ve sworn I saw him smile slightly over at us.
“We’ll be down in a moment. Is she all right?” Mrs. Neal-Beliveau inquired with a half grin despite herself.
“She’ll be fine. We are going to stop at the nurse’s office for some ice,” he replied.
Taylor was still sobbing like a baby as they walked off.
“You did a nice job on her.”
I glanced over at my teacher who seemed to be doing her best to restrain herself from laughing or smiling.
“Thanks.” I couldn’t help it, I busted out laughing and she joined in.
“Oh, we’re terrible,” she wiped her eyes. “The high school kid in me always wanted to do that.” She leaned back and shook her head. “You do know we never had this conversation, right?”
“Nope, never. You’ve been out here chastising me for my childish behavior,” I smirked.
“You do know you might end up with an extra-long vacation for this.”
“Yeah… and my parents will be so thrilled.”
“Probably, but look at the bright side…”
I looked over at her confused. What could be the bright side in all this except that I finally got to do what every girl in school has been dying to do?
“At least you’ve already sent in your college applications.”
“True.” I laughed again and she joined me. I was glad that it was her that was with me.
“Come on. Might as well get this over with.” She stood back up and offered me her hand.
***
Principal Julia Cosgrove was seated behind her desk looking upset when the four of us entered. Her long, curly brown hair was in disarray and behind her glasses her big brown eyes looked overwhelmed. Her desk was cluttered with papers and post-it notes. She crossed her arms and sat back in her chair looking like this was the last thing she wanted to deal with today. It immediately made me feel guilty, not for attacking Taylor, but for making Mrs. Cosgrove have to deal with it.
I got
a three-day in-school suspension thanks to both Mr. Dunn and Mrs. Neal-Beliveau who told Principal Cosgrove that Taylor started it. As I sat in her office with both teachers, Taylor and the principal, I realized neither of them said I threw the first punch, was the one who tackled Taylor in the cafeteria, only that Taylor was responsible for starting the altercation.
Taylor whined when she received a five-day out of school suspension along with a three game cheerleading suspension. I had to fight not to smile at her battered and bruised face when she was informed that her suspension meant all her homework and exams that week would go into the books as zeroes and she couldn’t make up the work. I was silently thrilled that although I had to spend three days sitting in the office, at least I could still turn in my work and get credit. At least there was some justice in this screwed up reality.
***
I walked out of the school with my dad, fully anticipating him to start in on me for being so stupid and childish.
I climbed into his car waiting for the bomb to drop. I couldn’t imagine how long I was going to be grounded for this one. He turned the key before he finally looked my way. “I only have one question for you,” he started.
“Yes?” my voice was almost a squeak.
“I saw Taylor. Where are your injuries?” he smiled, raising his eyebrows.
“Not a scratch.” I couldn’t stiffen my smile and his grin widened.
“That’s my girl!” he laughed.
***
I fidgeted around my room, putting my things away after destroying my room last weekend. I flipped on my CD player and began singing along trying to distract myself when Buckcherry’s Sorry, came on. I didn’t want to hear it, but I couldn’t turn it off either. It’s such a beautiful honest song. My voice began to crack and the tears started all over again. I found myself absentmindedly drawn to my bay window where I stood softly singing along in my cracking voice, staring at Jackson’s silent house.
I slowly sat down in the window seat and leaned my forehead against the cold pane. His house looked as empty and hollow as I felt. The tears ran silently down as the song finally came to an end. I hastily stomped over and switched my player off and brushed the tears aside. My alarm told me that I had another hour or so before everyone else got out of school. I truly hated idle time these days. My heart always overtook my mind and strayed back to the longing pain for Jackson.
Enlightened Page 27
