I picked up my uncle’s journal and returned to my window seat with a fleece blanket. I snuggled into it and opened the journal across my lap, yet my eyes diverted back across the street again. I knew what I had to do after Thanksgiving dinner there. I would have to get my uncle alone and somehow get him to tell me how he left this life to remain solely there. I wasn’t sure how receptive he was going to be, but I knew I had to convince him to tell me how he did it.
With the holes in my consciousness becoming larger by the day, the more difficult it was going to be to leave my other family and friends behind. I didn’t want to hurt them and I knew this was going to be very difficult on them all. I felt so selfish for deliberately putting them through this because I couldn’t cope with witnessing Jackson’s life move forward and knowing mine never would. I had such an amazing, close knit family and friends there. I hated the idea of never seeing any of them again and letting them fade into a distant memory that hopefully, along with Jackson and his parents, would someday disappear from my mind all together.
I read a couple pages of the journal trying to concentrate on anything but what I was faced with having to do. Yet my uncle repeatedly wrote about missing Vivian and how being away from her was like trying to live without air. His tender emotional expressions of love only managed to make me feel even worse. Closing the journal, I set it aside and blindly stared out the window once more.
Because of the holiday weekend, all our practices were cancelled. Jenna, Caitlyn and Hilary came over right after school bringing with them their men and my little brother. The silent house sprang to life and I happily ran down the stairs to greet them.
“Hey guys!” I called out, descending the stairs as they entered the foyer.
A round of applause broke out. I stopped a few steps shy of the floor and playfully took a bow.
“I can’t believe you. I’m so jealous!” Jenna began.
“Me too. I have been dying to do that for years!” Caitlyn added.
“Well, I guess we all learned not to piss off Jocelyn,” Cody laughed. “I never knew you had it in you.”
“Neither did I,” I said.
All of us retreated to the basement. Ethan put in a movie and everyone got comfortable, chattering endlessly about how fast the news spread through the school. It seemed I had become quite the celebrity for my stupid stunt.
“Dakota says she’s going to pay you back for this,” Hilary rolled her eyes with a smirk. “I told her to go ahead. You’d have no problem making her look like Taylor.”
“That’s true. I really wouldn’t mind,” I giggled. “The only thing that makes me mad is that she got a five day suspension out of it.”
“Jocelyn, that’s good news.” Jenna looked at me like I was stupid. “It’s five days we don’t have to deal with her.”
“Nah… I think it’d be more fun to see her back at school on Monday so that everyone can appreciate my artwork.”
“You’re real sweet, sis.” Ethan playfully hit me with a throw pillow before he sat down beside me on the couch. It was wonderful to goof around with him again, but I couldn’t help but think of the price I’d paid for it.
“I know. I try.” I grabbed the pillow from him and wrapped my arms around it holding it to my chest.
By six o’clock the eight of us were starving and the popcorn and chips had long since disappeared. I decided I’d go upstairs and see if my dad cared if we ordered a pizza. Between all of us, we had managed to scrape up enough to order a couple larges.
I put the paper plates and a stack of napkins on the island. I opened the pantry door looking for the plastic cups and for the two-liter when my mom entered the kitchen nearly scaring the life out of me.
“A three day in-school suspension! What in the world were you thinking getting into a fight at school?”
I spun around to find her standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. Apparently, she was still not ready to forgive me for my almost marriage, but at least she decided to finally speak to me.
“I don’t know, it just sorta happened.” That was the truth.
“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” she huffed.
I almost fired back with that makes two of us, but from the look on her face I decided against it.
“You had better get your head on straight young lady or you’re never going to amount to anything!”
My mouth dropped open but no words came out. I stood there in stunned silence.
“And what are your friends doing here? Do you think you get to have some sort of party to celebrate your stupidity? You’d better think again because you are grounded, for a very long time.” She raised her voice and I cringed knowing everyone downstairs could hear her.
“She’s not grounded for defending herself,” my dad spoke up, entering the kitchen from the other side. “The principal even told me she didn’t start it when I picked her up.”
My mother fumed, glaring between my father and I. Minutes passed and none of us said a word. Finally, she spun around on her heels and stormed back upstairs. Seconds later, we heard their bedroom door slam.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.” I truly was. I felt horrible for putting him in this position.
“You did nothing to be sorry for. Don’t worry about it, enjoy your friends. I’ll talk with her after she calms down a bit,” he smiled half-heartedly.
***
I pulled the covers up around my chin and considered how great it would be if I could utilize the fireplace in my room to take the chill out of the air. My parents would have a nervous breakdown if I even suggested it, claiming that I would most certainly burn the house down. It amazed me, the degree at which here, at the age of eighteen, I was legally an adult yet still viewed by the majority of society as a kid still too immature to make rational decisions regarding my own life. Yet, there, at the age of eighteen, the majority of both men and women were already married, some with one child, others more, and they were already running their own careers and households. I couldn’t figure out where along the line the shift happened. Best I could figure was somewhere in the sixties and seventies when a large portion of America’s youth decided growing up and having responsibilities wasn’t really fun and did everything possible to avoid it.
I rolled over trying to find a comfortable position. My out of character behavior at lunch seemed rather trivial in comparison to the magnitude of what was waiting for me once sleep found me. Part of my brain was eager to have it over with, the other, was still somewhat on the fence. My heart physically ached in my chest. The thought of never seeing Jackson again was almost more than I could handle. Sending him to Boston was the right thing to do, my brain kept reminding me. I wanted him to find happiness and I knew that someday he would move on with his life. With him living in Boston and me in Chicago, it would be much easier for him to move forward. Yet, having to live across the street there from him and his wonderful family that I dearly loved was more than my heart could conceive.
I knew my decision was the right one for both of us. I was sure of it, but even that knowledge did not make it any easier for me to contemplate a life without the man I loved. I knew that no man ever to enter my life in the future would fill the void that Jackson left. My heart would never heal. Never love again.
CHAPTER 30
Thursday, November 28, 1878: Thanksgiving Day
THE SKIES WERE DARK AND GRAY and the rain pattered heavily on the roof. Dread filled my heart. I knew what had to be done. It wasn’t going to be easy I was sure of it. Saying good-bye to those I loved dearly, a life I loved dearly, a world that would forever disappear and become only a faded memory.
Yet I had to believe that this was as it should be. I was positive that I could not reside between the two worlds. I knew I could never find that happy medium that the Chandlers found.
One life is difficult enough without contemplating the idea of entertaining two. I know I am not strong enough for that. Not alone anyway, and that is exactly where I am in this b
izarre scenario that has consumed me.
None of this is real. None of this is real. None of this is real, I repeated over and over in my mind in some vague attempt to convince myself. Yet as I stumbled out of bed I stubbed my little toe on the corner of my bed. Intense pain shot through my body assuring me that this was all very real indeed as I grabbed my foot and hopped around my room trying to verbally censor my pain.
I hobbled over to the window and sat down rubbing my aching foot until it finally subsided. I leaned back and laughed to myself again for being foolish enough to try and convince myself of anything other than this never-ending nightmare from which I was finally hoping to awaken from. I pulled the curtains back and looked out on the soggy dreary day that engulfed everything within my view. In the foggy haze across the way sat the vacant building that had once been my second home. It had always been a warm and welcoming atmosphere that I always felt comfortable and at ease within. Now it loomed cold and heartbroken, a place I desperately wished I could erase from both planes.
A low rapping on my door broke my train of thought.
“Yes?”
“Good mornin’, Miss. Jocelyn.” Mimi appeared in an overly festive mood.
“Good morning, Mimi. How are you this morning?” I tried to match her enthusiasm.
“I’s doin’ well, been up since five gettin’ everything done. Your ma’s in rare form.”
“I would imagine so,” I smiled, envisioning the havoc that my mother was most likely inflicting upon the staff.
“What time is everyone arriving?”
“Noonish.”
She walked over to the armoire and started sorting through my gowns. She pulled out an Amherst shaded gown and laid it gently across my bed. It was the exact color of the gown that Emily had created for the Halloween party even though the style was somewhat different.
I remained silent and sat down at the vanity table. Mimi came over and began brushing my hair in long strokes. I closed my eyes trying not to think that this may well be the last time her and I performed this ritual that we had danced every day for as long as I could remember. I closely watched her skillful fingers work their perfected craft and absorbed every movement. She moved her graceful fingers with such precision and delicacy that it amazed me.
I held onto the bedpost while Mimi pulled and tugged on the corset strings until I felt like I couldn’t inhale before she finally tied the knot. This is one thing I certainly will not miss at all. Yet, I have to admit that I do love the degree at which it enhances my figure.
I climbed into the heavy gown and instantly felt the weight of the material against my frame as Mimi fastened it together. After the tactile recall of the almost weightless attire I wore daily there, the multiple layers of articles adorned here felt oddly more comforting over the other. In a sense I felt as if I was stepping into a role, the role of the proper young lady in the year 1878. It was absurd to imagine styling the fashions of the twenty-first century in such a setting. I smiled at myself in the full-length mirror thinking of the reaction it would cause if I were to attempt such a thing.
“Ya look very lovely, Miss Jocelyn.” Mimi smiled, stepping back and admiring her work.
“Thank you, Mimi. You did a beautiful job.” I hugged her tightly.
Mimi excused herself to return downstairs to assist the others. I assured her that I would follow shortly. It was half past ten and I still had some time before the remainder of my family arrived. I paced restlessly around my room, tracing my fingers over the silliest and most trivial of objects just to encode them into my memory forever. I wanted nothing to go left unexplored. The smells of the fresh linens on my bed, the embers in the hearth, the dried violets and lilies of a spring long forgotten left at my request. Despite the fact that I resided within the same four walls on both planes, each were so drastically different they appeared in my mind as completely separate entities.
My mind drifted from one source of intrigue to another while spontaneously entertaining minute-by-minute shifts in my emotions. It was impossible to focus on one topic or contemplate anything for longer than it took me to take two steps. I wanted to absorb everything all at once, remember every single detail of the last eighteen years. All the holidays, birthdays, special occasions that transpired under this roof.
The most aggravating of all was the fact that while the holes were enlarging, they mainly consisted of recent events across planes with only rare flashes of the past that were hard to differentiate. It seemed while on each individual plane, everything was normal and memories of years past were as clear as day, full memories had not been totally exposed across time. I picked up the silver pocket watch from Jackson and held it tightly against my chest. I suppose it’s a good thing because having those memories would only make it harder to let go of my life here.
I had spent the last several years of my life thinking of how wonderful it would be to finally be Jackson’s wife, the mother of his children, have our own house, and be able to spend every evening by his side. Now it was gone. I sat down on the corner of the bed and leaned my head against the post, closing my eyes. I could see the photographs of our family that my other self had discovered. My three beautiful babies and the proof that our little family had prospered and persevered were painful reminders.
I sighed heavily and wiped a single tear off my cheek. I knew I had to pull myself together if I was going to get through this day. I couldn’t give anyone anything to be suspicious about. I would play my role to perfection until I could seize the opportunity to get my Uncle Monte alone and beg him for his help.
***
Sarah, Cora and Mimi were working endlessly making sure that the huge Thanksgiving meal was prepared perfectly. The smell of turkey and pumpkin pie hung heavy throughout the house. The enticing aroma brought back a flood of memories from yesteryears when all of us were much younger and the world was somehow a much friendlier place. It was strange to think of how that wasn’t long ago yet, so much has occurred since those times that the carefree innocence was now lost forever and had been replaced with something much colder and harder than I could ever have imagined.
Mother was almost frantic making sure all the last minute details were attended to before the first of our family arrived. Father was doing his best to keep her under control but even he looked as if he had almost hit his breaking point. I never could figure out why these occasions were referred to as a holiday when they always seemed to reap more havoc than all the other days combined.
“Everything looks beautiful, Mother,” I complimented upon entering the dining room.
“Do you really think so?” she looked apprehensive.
“Of course.” I placed my arm around her. “And you look lovely, too.”
“So do you, darling. It is good to see you looking more like yourself again.”
“I feel better,” I catered. “And this is going to be a great day.”
My parents looked at me as if they weren’t buying my fake façade.
“Yes, it is,” William spoke up as he and Olivia entered the room.
***
Two of my brothers showed up with their wives and in Jonathon’s case, children. As soon as I saw Patrick II and his wife Kathrine, I flashed back on the memory that I’d had of their wedding in my life there. It was the first time I had ever seen Jackson and his parents in one of my visions. Even then, strong emotions were coming across my thinning consciousness. I knew how much I did not like my brother’s choice in wife. Kathrine was a very cold woman whom I truly believed only married my brother for his choice in profession and the financial gain he received from it. Even though they had been married for several years, they had yet to produce a child. Mainly, I believed, because she would hate to share the spotlight with someone else. Kathrine was a very vain individual that always thought of herself first. She couldn’t care less about the long hours my brother put in at the hospital to afford the type of lifestyle she felt entitled to. If anyone was going to have to miss my last family
holiday, I would rather it had been her instead of James and his family.
My mother’s sister with her family made their appearance shortly after her brother and his family showed. My Uncle Monte and Aunt Vivian arrived with their sons while my Uncle Nicholas and his clan were the last to show. Everyone snacked on the finger foods Sarah had prepared, lingering about discussing various subjects while the younger children ran around, filling the house with the familiar sounds of their laughter. The house was crowded, yet still felt strangely empty to me without the Chandlers. They had always shared all of our holidays and all those present felt their absence although no one uttered a word on the subject.
The meal was superb and everyone gorged themselves to capacity. After dinner and dessert, I nervously stood next to the stair rail gripping it so tightly my knuckles turned white. I had spoken to my Uncle Monte countless times in my life though this time was entirely different. I watched him carefully standing next to Vivian with his arm draped loosely around her waist. He laughed whole-heartedly at something my brother Jonathon said. He seemed very happy. In all the years of my life, I could never recall a time when I had even the slightest inclination that he was unhappy or unsatisfied with his decision to leave his other plane of existence.
I knew in my heart that if I was ever going to have a chance to heal and become whole again, I was going to have to leave this plane forever. I could not live in a world where I was so close to Jackson—to see him someday fall in love with another, marry her and then father her children. I could not bear it. The pain would be overwhelming and I knew I would eventually succumb to my grief and have no desire for any sort of existence. Therefore, it was now or never if I could ever hope to have any semblance of happiness.
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