Trust (Chasing Shadows)

by Mia Fox

  She had opened her mind to me again, which meant I would find her. I was close. I could feel her and it was a comfort to know that she wanted me. We could finally do this hike together. It was a pretty dramatic last activity, but maybe this lends credence to why we never attempted it before.

  Chapter 14 - Ella

  I wouldn’t have an opportunity to feel sorry for myself if I attempted the Backbone Trail. It was rigorous, dangerous and I spread my arms out wide and took a deep breath, embracing every perilous thought that entered my mind. And in a snap, that’s just when those thoughts went straight back to Nate.

  We had wanted to do this together. He would totally freak if he knew what was in my head...that I didn’t care if this trail took me in and spit me out. Ethan would have a field day with that too. A tear ran down the side of my cheek. Damn it. This was why I had to do this. This constant confusion and pain. It just hurt too much.

  I wanted Nate here by my side, but I couldn’t deny that I no sooner thought of Nate when Ethan would creep into my consciousness as well. They were so similar. As if one was keeping me safe by sending the other to me.

  I wanted this time on my own to sort out my thoughts. There was a healthy part of me struggling to move on with my life, but as soon as I contemplated doing so, those same thoughts would betray me and wish for Nate to be by my side again. As for Ethan, I missed him. It was as simple as that. I liked my time with him, even though I pretended to the contrary initially.

  “You can sit down, Ella.”

  “No thanks. I like standing.”

  “You don’t mind if I make myself more comfortable then?” He got up from his chair and literally plopped onto the couch in his office, smack in the middle.

  “Suit yourself.”

  He watched me for a minute, daring me not to sit.

  “You know, it’s an hour-long session.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Suit yourself,” he repeated my chosen words.

  “I will,” I said, turning my back to him and pretending to be absorbed in one of his diplomas that hung on the wall.

  “See anything impressive?” his voice danced with a teasing tone that both infuriated and intrigued me all in the same moment. Even though Ethan was a good five years younger than I, that tone held a confidence that was quite an aphrodisiac. It was both mocking and intimate.

  With that, I turned and faced him, ignoring the laughter behind his gorgeous green eyes or the tuft of hair that escaped from his crisp, white dress shirt that smelled so clean. I paid no attention to the muscled forearms that protruded from his rolled up sleeves. Or, at least I tried not to notice, but that of course, was an impossibility.

  Unable to think of a suitable comeback, I simply answered, “No.”

  I don’t know how Ethan got under my skin so quickly. I’d never felt an immediate connection to anyone before. Perhaps, he was just very good at this job. Maybe I needed him to be good at it. I didn’t want to believe that it could simply be a case of “transference,” the condition in which a patient falls for her doctor. Besides, it didn’t seem like that could be the case since I thought that was for people who hold doctors to a higher standard and thus far, our interactions had consisted of my attempts at aloofness and his amusement over my lack of engagement.

  Yet, in spite of keeping him at arm’s length, he still reached me. He even made it seem as if his concern for me was more than just a professional interest. Like maybe he liked me. Maybe I liked him. Maybe...there was something behind that kiss. The one that we called an accident, a caught in the moment, one-off experience. It was the reason I had insisted we move our sessions to the hiking trail. I said that I didn’t need the sessions. But it wasn’t only because I wanted a reason to distance myself from my work mandated counseling. It was also a way to bring me closer and share something with him.

  And he agreed.

  “So you’re going to sit with me today?” he said, his right eyebrow lifting in a way that made me smile in spite of myself.

  “I’m sitting because these heels hurt my feet.”

  That wasn’t entirely the truth. I know why I finally decided to sit near him, rather than in one of the facing chairs. I chose to sit where he had become accustomed to, on the couch, right next to him. My reason: it was nice being close to him. It felt safe, even though he made my heart pound.

  His voice turned serious and like always, he could read me. I was near him because I was lonely. I missed Nate, but I also missed Ethan when we weren’t together. I found myself actually looking forward to talking with him.

  “Bad night?” He asked simply. “Talk to me. You know I’m here for you.”

  And that was the simplest truth. He was here...alive...and someone that I could call or turn to whenever I wanted.

  My legs were bent underneath me so that I faced him, even though we were seated next to each other.

  “I...sometimes I feel like it’s getting easier, because...”

  My head bent forward and my forehead nearly touched his. He probably thought I was trying to gather my thoughts about Nate. But at the time, I was trying to figure out if I should tell him the way I felt about him. I looked up and his eyes smiled back at me.

  His face held concern without a trace of pity, and something else.

  I swallowed hard and that’s when he knew. He saw it in my eyes, too.

  The desire.

  He slowly leaned into me. We eased closer to each other, moving in sync. My eyes stayed on his lips and his on mine. His hand slowly moved to my face where he brushed a strand of hair from my eyes.

  I really made a mess of things. It was too soon to jump into another relationship. All the rule books said it was a bad idea, and so I ran.

  I sat down on a nearby rock to catch my breath and rest my feet. I had been going for hours and the rest was welcome, even though my mind was alive with one question after the next. Such as, how could I simultaneously have romantic feelings for two men?

  Running from Ethan wasn’t only because of my loyalty to Nate’s ghost and his memory. He is my doctor, after all. Not to mention that he’s focused on his career, not relationships. Not that I want a relationship. Where did that come from? So many reasons why this couldn’t work. The biggest being that I totally misread him. He couldn’t...no, he didn’t see me in that light.

  The wind had changed from a warm breeze that was a pleasant tickle during the day to a night time chilling gust that shook me out of these undulating thoughts. As it blew stronger I hoped that maybe it was a sign that Nate was near. But as I shivered, I knew that wasn’t possible. I was getting colder by the minute. Never was I cold when Nate was around. He would tuck me into his chest, wrap his strong arms around me and once again I’d be warm. I rubbed my own hands over my arms, but they did little to warm me up or ease my troubled mind. Just as the shifting wind altered between changing temperatures, my thoughts vacillated between Nate and Ethan.

  I wondered if Nate would find me soon and hoped that Ethan wouldn’t think too terribly of me considering the way I acted when we were last together. I had run off and told him that I wanted to be alone, like a spoiled girl or a moody Greta Garbo. At least he was probably safe and warm in his house. He deserved better than I could give. At least that was one thing I had done right today -- saved him from myself.

  Chapter 15 - Ethan

  I had been heading down the trail for about half an hour. Moving at a quick clip, I must have covered about three miles since this part of the trail was a straight shot that allowed me to carry on at a slow run. When nearly at the bottom of the last path that I took, I came across a placard that indicated I was entering another maze of trails that made up the National Parks Recreation Area. The one listed as a black trail, the hardest and most dangerous, was called the Backbone Trail. Although it was the toughest to navigate, instinctively I knew it was the one that would attract Ella.

  Without any hesitation, I turned in its direction. I pursued Ella with the same intensity th
at I did most things in life. I was taught that anything worthwhile is worth working hard for. It was the same sensibility that got me through medical school when my co-students were dropping out. It would all be worth it in the end, I had told myself.

  Now, I needed to know that my endless pursuit of medicine and what it had indirectly cost me wasn’t in vain. I’ll always be haunted by what Claire did as well as question if my dedication to my studies was selfish. After she took her life, my family and friends said she couldn’t be helped, that she was striking out at me, that she was ill...so many excuses. It doesn’t matter the reason. I’ll never stop blaming myself.

  But Ella is different. She is strong. I could see that from the way she teased me and even appeared aloof at my being assigned to her case. I remember the day I came into her hospital room and surprised her with the news that I was assigned to her case. She recognized me from the hiking trail, but this was altogether different. In the hospital she wasn’t in her element and she certainly didn’t like the idea that I would be the one to decide when she could be discharged.

  “Hi again,” I said picking up her chart and examining the cryptic comments meant for my eyes only. Notes that questioned whether she was a suicide risk.

  “You...what are you doing here?”

  “Happy to see me?”

  I don’t know why I was being a smart-ass, answering her question with a question. Except perhaps for the unmistakable truth that my words actually echoed how I felt. She was gorgeous, liked to hike, moved like a gazelle and if it weren’t for the fact that her mental stability was in question, I’d say she was near perfect.

  But she just stared at me.

  “Sorry,” I recovered my professionalism. “I’m your physician. Ethan.”

  “Dr. Ethan?”

  “Dr. Feinfield, but we’ve already met so I figured...” I let my voice trail off because I was definitely acting like a lovesick school boy in front of her. Something about the way she took in my gaze, as if she were the one trying to size me up and determine my competency, made my conversation run amok.

  “Well doctor...” she said pointedly, “when may I go home?”

  “Just need to do some evaluations first. A few simple questions and then we can arrange your discharge and our follow-up sessions.”

  “What follow-up sessions?”

  The subsequent news that her work was insisting on regular psych sessions before she could return didn’t go over well.

  The sarcasm dripped from her mouth. “Goody. Just the news I was waiting for.”

  I immediately knew that I had found my intellectual match.

  She later commented about my age and even asked if I was old enough to shave. Yeah, I was old enough, all right. Old enough to know what love was and after spending more time with Ella, I knew that I could fall for her...if I let myself.

  But helping her was the priority. Her needs were more important than my desires. I knew that deep inside, she was a survivor and she wanted to live. She may have been sent for therapy on the “watch list” as they say, a suicide threat. But I never wrote that up in my report about her. Was she grieving for Nate? Yes. Was she a threat to herself? At the time, absolutely not.

  What she needed were coping mechanisms. Being out here, this might be how she thought she was going to come to terms with her past and figure out her future, but this is where I came in. I was here to help her find her way back. Maybe that future included me, and right or wrong, I hoped with all my heart that it did. Still, even without Ella in my life, I was committed to her. She was my patient first and I was going to help her.

  Chapter 16 - Nate

  Ella finally let me into her thoughts and that was all I needed to return to her. She looked small and frail sitting alone on a thin stretch of ground that couldn’t even be considered a trail. Holding her arms and gently rocking back and forth, I could tell the night air was making her cold. The minute I took a step closer she turned and when she saw me, her smile instantly appeared.

  “Hi Honey,” I said and held my arms out to her, wanting to hold her and keep her warm.

  “Nate!”

  She ran at me with a force like a gale wind and gave a little jump when we were near, her legs wrapping around my waist and her arms around my neck. I held her, loving the feel of holding her again, until I discovered just how cold her skin felt.

  “Ella, you’re freezing. And what’s this?” My finger touched a small, but deep cut against her forehead. “And your cast...it’s a mess.”

  “I’m okay. Now.”

  “What happened?”

  “I just took a little tumble,” she said and motioned to the mountain with its rocks that jutted out at obscure angles and farther drops still below us.

  “You didn’t,” I said, my heart plummeting into my stomach. “You could’ve been killed. I should’ve been here, but...”

  “Don’t. I’m fine. I was a little stunned, but I’m okay now. I got lucky and landed on a patch of grass. Besides, I don’t want you to blame yourself. I’m not your responsibility.”

  Her words were true, but they pained me. As much as I wanted to take care of her every second of the day, I couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t be here for her when I was stationed in Afghanistan. We had both lived in fear of something happening to the other while I was gone. The irony was that my accident and death occurred here while we were together.

  “I still plan to look after you...until you no longer need me,” I said and brought her in close to my chest. “So, how about you let me look you over? Maybe I can help.”

  “I think the cast is pretty much a goner,” she admitted, and then to my horror, her teeth chattered as she spoke.

  “Come here,” I said and led her to a small grouping of pine trees where we could sit and be somewhat protected from the wind. The cast was broken along the wrist and cracked all the way up to her elbow.

  “When was it supposed to come off?”

  “This week. I’m sure it’s healed if you can help break it off the rest of the way.”

  I didn’t want to hurt her by pulling on the plaster, but then again, it was impairing her mobility and probably contributed to her hitting her head when she fell since she was short one hand to brace herself. I grabbed a thick branch and a rock and by placing the branch against the cast and hitting the top of it with the stone, it served to further crack the plaster. After that, it was easy to break away sections until her arm was free.

  “Look at that!” she said happily, rotating her arm and testing it out. “Good as new.”

  “Now to warm you up,” I said holding her again. “Ella, you’re really cold.”

  This wasn’t good. A fear gripped me, knowing that my ability to warm her was limited in my current state as a ghost. I had to warm her core temperature or she could slip into hypothermia, leading to organ failure and worse.

  I thought back to my time in Afghanistan and the cold nights we endured for days on end. Guys, particularly Marines, aren’t typically into snuggling up against each other, but when faced with death from freezing, you’ll pretty much do anything necessary to ensure one’s survival.

  “We need to alternate moving with sharing body heat,” I informed her.

  “I vote for sharing body heat,” she said with a glint in her eye.

  It was a good sign. In spite of the cold, she was still lucid enough to tease me with her wit and sexy ways.

  “You’re kidding? You can think of kissing me now?”

  “You betcha.”

  She may have wanted it, but the cold and exhaustion was hitting her fast. Her voice breathless even from the small bit of effort it took to speak.

  “About that kiss...” she requested, her voice not more than a whisper.

  But I couldn’t deny her. She moved closer and I took her in my arms and kissed her softly. Being with Ella felt like home. It was as if no time had passed. I held her in my arms and her eyes grew heavy. I continued to hold her closely, trying desperately to warm her. Bu
t she was still terribly cold and contact with me wasn’t improving the situation. As much as I loved holding her close, I was going to have to try and rouse her and get her moving to stave off the cold.

  And that’s when I heard Ethan’s voice. First, he called out her name more like a question, as if he wasn’t sure what he was seeing and then with elation, as if finding her was too good to be true. He shouted her name louder as his footsteps drew closer. I disappeared quickly and for the first time since my death, a part of me was relieved that Ethan was here.

  Chapter 17 - Ella

  Ethan? How peculiar that I thought I heard his voice, softly at first and then louder and more insistent. But once again, I’m alone.

  Perhaps I drifted off and only imagined being with Nate. Being in his arms and resting in our woods had seemed so real. Although, as I squinted to see in the moonlight, I had to admit that this part of the trail was totally unfamiliar. Nate and I had never gone this far into the mountain range or away from Mulholland Highway, which ran parallel to the trail head.

  Hearing Ethan’s voice must have been a similar trick of the mind, a sign that the cold was affecting me. Instinctively, I knew that I should try to move and get the blood flowing. I had never confused the two of them before. I listened intensely once more, not moving a muscle, both out of sheer exhaustion and my desire to hear any sign of Nate or Ethan. But nothing.

  I rose to walk down the trail, feeling my way in the dark and moving a bit slower than before. The ground was slippery here with loose stones and brush that scratched at my legs. I had only proceeded a foot or maybe two when the ground gave out and I found myself falling once again.