Forgetting

by J. L. Brooks

  “And what exactly is it that you do?”

  She smiled, while turning toward Julian and waiting for him to explain.

  “Stella, you are afraid to leave because everyone recognizes you. Liz is here to change that. I asked her to come in especially for this. We were neighbors in New York. She is one of the most sought after makeup artists in the movie industry. She can teach you how to disguise yourself so you can go out in public without having to worry about privacy. You can be yourself.”

  “By being someone else?” I laughed.

  Liz and Julian looked at me empathetically. Knowing how hard it had been, the gesture was incredibly sweet. I let out an exasperated breath and waited for direction. She led me to a chair in front of a mirror and, with her gentle hands on my shoulders, our eyes met in the reflection.

  “Are you ready?” she asked with the most incandescent smile.

  I nodded, then looked back at Julian and mouthed “thank you.”

  Silently, he replied, “you’re welcome,” before taking a seat in the waiting area. In two long hours, I no longer recognized the person looking back at me. Even though I was unsure how I felt about the transformation, I trusted that no one would know who I was, and that was exactly what I needed.

  ~ Mirror, Mirror ~

  “Are you okay over there?” Julian asked with a laugh.

  “Uh, yeah. It’s just really weird. It’s almost like looking into another dimension. It’s me, but it’s not.”

  Julian reached over and rubbed my leg affectionately. “It might take a bit to get used to. Just try not to think about it so much.”

  I smiled and went back to appraising Liz’s craftsmanship. I had to hand to her. I couldn’t imagine how much it cost to have her flown in the way he did for a private job. I offered to pay him for it when we got back into the car, and the insulted stare he gave was enough to shut me up. Every inch of my skin was free from blemishes, and not one trace of the ink beneath it showed. She assured me that the makeup was waterproof, and would not budge until I took a special cleanser she provided and a loofah sponge to it. I worried about it rubbing off on my dress, but as she promised, it stayed put.

  Julian was almost afraid to come near me when Liz spun the chair around to unveil my new look. In addition to the tattoo coverage, she lightened my hair and trimmed it into a more fitting style. She also waxed, plucked, painted, and sculpted the rest of me. The most frightening part was imagining this was how I might have looked if my life hadn’t gone in such a different direction. It started to become hard to look in the mirror with the sad thought.

  Sensing me withdraw, Julian squeezed my hand firmly while massaging the palm with his thumb. “Hey, don’t go there. I am not doing this because I think there is something wrong with how you look now. No matter what you do, you will always be beautiful. But you are different. I know you are ready to leave Mooresville too and rediscover who you are, but it must be done carefully. Not just because of the brain injury, but who you are to the public. I can’t always be there with you to protect you, and I have accepted that. But if I can give you anything, it’s today. One day to feel just like everyone else.”

  I wanted to cry, but knew there was no way I could reset an eyelash by myself if the tears dissolved the glue. I giggled at the thought alone.

  “What’s so funny?” he asked with his own grin.

  “Just that I want to be emotional right now, but my face might melt.”

  We both busted out hysterically, and I had to hold back the tears of laughter, as well as those of joy. I wasn’t sure what all Julian had in store, but I knew it had to be amazing. I thanked Liz with a giant hug and she handed me a maintenance bag and her card. I stared in the passenger mirror the entire ride back, disbelieving what was reflected. When we pulled up the driveway, I saw my father had returned from the church and was sitting with Darrick and Victor waiting for our return. The unanimous approval made me blush, until I saw concern wash over my father’s face.

  “What’s wrong, daddy?”

  Was he feeling what I was in the salon only moments earlier? That this was the daughter he should have had, and not the ink-covered hell raiser he was given instead?

  The corners of his mouth twitched as he tried to think about the best way to convey his thoughts. He reached out to grab my wrist, and turned my arm in different directions, looking over the covering.

  He shrugged his shoulders and pulled me into a hug. “You know, when I first saw all of those tattoos, I thought they were the ugliest things on earth, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why such a pretty girl would desecrate her body that way. But then I had to stop and realize that it has no bearing on your soul. God allowed you to walk down the path that he did for a reason, and who am I to argue with His plans? I am actually quite fond of them now. You have always understood that your battles were spiritual. You are just an angel in disguise.”

  I snorted and squeezed him tighter. “Daddy, I am no angel. Not even close. But I guess every father thinks of their little girl like that.”

  Raising his brows he looked up at Julian and my mother who were side by side, leaning on each other affectionately. “That they do,” he replied.

  Knowing that the guys needed to catch their flights, I nodded to Julian that we had better get going. He went and helped them load their luggage into the truck as they said their goodbyes and thanked my mother for her hospitality. The ride to the airport was brief, but knowing that Julian had a decision to make gave an air of seriousness. I stayed quiet as they discussed the details of the vineyard, and I noticed Julian’s arm was tense on my leg. Placing my hand over his, I squeezed reassuringly and offered comfort. He was preparing to let go of a vital piece of who he was. I could think of no better owners than Darrick and Victor, and the connection to my family made it easier to accept. Raina was at peace with whatever Julian decided, knowing that it wouldn’t matter once she passed, as long as he was okay with it.

  After seeing the two men off, I wanted to ask what was going through Julian’s mind, but I didn’t have to. I could feel it pouring out of him. Years of waiting had finally come to an end, and soon he would be free to return to the life he left behind.

  “I have another surprise for you,” Julian said while turning the key to the ignition.

  While licking the sugar from the cotton candy off my fingers, my eyes widened. “I don’t know how much more I can take. Today was amazing. Not one person realized who I was. I think I might try and learn how to do my makeup, so I can sneak off again and not let this just be a one-time deal.”

  He used his finger to trail down the bridge of my nose, pinched the tip, then chuckled.

  “I think that’s a great idea. Now that you know it works, you have another tool for coping. You could even get really dramatic and wear wigs of different colors. I went with my mom to a hairstylist that the oncologist recommended. They showed her several kinds that are made of real hair and everything. I may or may not have tried a few on. I have to admit, I make a stunning red head.”

  “I bet you did.” I remarked sarcastically.

  As the truck began to drive off, I flipped down the visor mirror and could see thin lines forming in the creases of my face where the humidity was starting to degrade the cosmetics. Black smudges from the eyeliner rested in the corner, and the blush was all but gone. My arms remained covered, but the lines of separation were becoming more defined where it blended in on my wrists. Today had been so much more than I could have ever hoped for. Hours were spent exploring downtown Charlotte and walking the picturesque lake at Freedom Park.

  “Thank you again for the millionth time, Julian. For the first time, I feel like everything is going to be okay, and that I can make something of this life. Your patients will be really lucky to have you back.”

  He gave a sideways smile, and I could see the tinge of sadness in his eyes. Despite the conversation of fighting for one another, a part of us still struggled with how it could ever be possible. Juli
an was adamant about returning to the Navy, and I wasn’t ready to leave Mooresville and my family. A life in the military and away from them meant total dependence on Julian, and it was a burden I refused to impose on myself. Rather than arguing about the future, we made a silent agreement to focus on the present. With the sale of the vineyard pending, every moment seemed precious.

  Upholding the agreement, Julian’s hands reached for mine and he mindlessly rubbed deep circles into my palm.

  “So how long have you been planning all of this?” I asked.

  He sat in thought and returned a tentative smile. “Not long after you arrived. When I heard you’d shaved your head, I knew immediately that you were suffering from body dysmorphic disorder. Sandy told me you said you felt like a monster because of all the tattoos. You did the only thing you felt like you could control. I wanted you to know that wasn’t true. I just waited until you were comfortable in your skin again before suggesting it, and it seemed like the perfect time for it to be a surprise. I wanted it to be a positive experience. Not just another burden.”

  My heart continued to swell with a reverent joy at how much Julian cared. Before I had even laid eyes on him, he was already laying in motion the necessary means for my recovery. Grinning broadly, I leaned my head on his shoulder, after placing a lingering kiss and thanking him.

  “I would do anything for you, Stella. I mean that.”

  I let the words sink in, and I knew they were true. He would do everything but stay. Continuing to banish the negative thoughts from my mind, I squeezed his bicep and enjoyed the ride. A short while later, we approached the entrance of a large park and waited patiently as cars filed in a long line. The sun was starting to set, and crowds of people carried lawn chairs and blankets with coolers. After finding a place to park, Julian lifted a rubber tote out of the truck bed and removed a soft cooler and duffle bag. A set of chairs was hidden under the tarp, wrapped to look as though it was some type of equipment.

  “Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said you had another surprise, were you?”

  Giving me a wink, he handed me the chairs and locked the truck. “I’ve always wanted to come here for this. I hope you enjoy it as much as I think you will.”

  Curiously, I scanned the lot and asked where we were.

  “It’s the Charlotte Symphony Summer Pops. They hold it here at South Park every year. It’s right on the lake and, as you can see, draws a lot of people. I want to make sure we get a good seat, so we better hurry.”

  We walked swiftly to the entrance, and Julian handed the gate agent tickets. A crowd was moving swiftly down the paved path toward the outstretched covered stage. Securing a spot in the center of the field near the front, I was able to see every chair that was waiting for a member to arrive. Music and announcements piped over the loudspeakers, as more people filed in. Chatter filled the air all around us, anticipating the performance and lending an excitement to the atmosphere.

  I removed the chairs from the fabric sleeves and propped them open, as Julian spread a blanket on the ground. I removed my shoes and felt the cool grass beneath my feet, then I made myself comfortable.

  “I know we ate not too long ago, but are you hungry?”

  I sat up and looked over the items Julian packed away for us, and realized he had a preference for certain foods.

  “I will only eat if you don’t act like an asshole in the morning,” I mocked while cracking the lid on the chicken salad and taking a bite. Noticing his face become uneasy, I revealed the joke.

  “You packed this the night we were on the boat.”

  He shook his head and continued to remove more items. “I like this food, and it keeps well in a cooler. I didn’t notice. It’s a coincidence.”

  Not wanting to set a sour mood, I sat on my knees and leaned in to give him a reassuring kiss. “I know, I was just trying to be funny. You know better now.”

  I lifted another forkful of food to my mouth, but it was knocked to the side when Julian tackled me to the ground and pinned me on my back. I squealed with laughter and wiggled out of his grip the best I could.

  “I have been known on occasion to do very stupid things. Education is not an indication of intelligence. In matters of the heart, men are all imbeciles.”

  I nodded my head in agreement, and my body thrashed as fingers danced along every ticklish nerve in my body. Breathing hard, I wrestled between laughing and whining. With my arms pinned above my head, and my legs helplessly trapped under his, I knew we were creating a spectacle and cared nothing of it. Julian looked down at me with a satisfied smirk, and slowly leaned in to kiss me. It allowed the tension to leave my body, and I melted into the earth beneath him.

  Effortlessly, Julian possessed the ability to take my breath away and leave me hungry for more. With every touch, I could physically feel the electric charge as my sensory neurons traveled with lightning speed to form a synaptic response. Dopamine flooded each crevice of my brain like a tidal wave. Surely this wasn’t how love was, or so many people wouldn’t fall out of it. How can it be possible for one human to evoke such a reaction in another?

  Feeling dizzy with happiness, I smoothed my hair away from my face and blushed.

  “I suppose things like that make up for our stupidity,” he said.

  “Hmmmmm?”

  Julian’s words came across garbled through the dream-like state. Roaring with laughter, he leaned in and bit my shoulder gently. “Nothing.”

  I smiled and curled into his arms as the orchestra members took their seats. Everyone began to clap as the conductor took his place on the podium. After a brief introduction, the wind ensemble began to warm up, as each section tested instruments in preparation for the show. The program was opened with “Summertime” from George Gershwin’s opera “Porgy and Bess,” and concluded with Vivaldi’s “Summer Concerto.”

  My mind reeled at how beautiful the music was as it echoed over the lake. The sunset painted the sky in brilliant oranges, pinks, and blues, while the humidity kept the evening air comfortable. The fine hairs on my skin would raise with each Crescendo, and my eyes would close, feeling every note pulled from the bows of nearly twenty violins. Julian’s fingers danced in time with the melody across my back, mimicking the conductors fluid hand gestures and burning his place into the memory.

  The evening ended far too soon, then it was time to head back. While packing the chairs into the sleeves, the loudspeakers began to pick up where the orchestra had stopped. The first measure played, and the chair fell from my hands. Sinking to the ground slowly, I could no longer see the world around me, I was back in that place. I could hear Julian shout, but I was unable to move until the song had ended. Clawing through the darkness, I regained full consciousness and found my arms tightly gripped to Julian’s tear-soaked chest.

  I shook my head and started to back away, but he refused to let me move. Using his fingers to bring my chin up and my gaze to his, I could see fear racing through his eyes.

  “Stella, what happened? I need you to tell me now,” he demanded.

  I closed my eyes again and breathed deeply. “Canon in d minor happened. That was the song I heard when I was coming out of the coma. I can remember not being able to move, and all I could think about was everything that I would never get to do in life. I thought I was going to be that way forever, and all I wanted to do was die. It was horrible.” I started to sob and Julian pulled me close.

  “It’s okay, Stella. I’m here.”

  After a few more deep breaths, I was able to calm down enough to stand up. A small crowd of people stood around us, as Julian assured them I was alright. I was mortified at the outburst, but knew I had no control of how my brain chose to respond to things.

  Walking toward the parking lot, I knew cracking a joke was the only way to ease the weight of the situation. “Remind me if I ever get married that I cannot walk down the aisle to that song. I might not make it to the altar.”

  Giving a weak laugh, Julian kissed the top of my head whi
le squeezing my shoulder.

  “Duly noted.”

  With the truck packed, Julian lifted my face to his once more and frowned. “Did you enjoy yourself otherwise tonight?” he asked.

  I nodded my head and smiled. Using my fingers, I forced his lips into a floppy grin that he allowed to fall each time I moved them. “Yes, I did. It was incredible. Please don’t be sad. I’m sorry that it happened. If that’s the worst that happened to us today, then we are doing pretty well. The night is not over yet. We can still do something else to make sure it ends with a bang.”

  I reached my arms around his back and squeezed his rear, then he leaned down and growled in my ear before gently nibbling across my collar bone.

  “What’s with you and teeth today? I kind of like it . . . a lot,” I said teasingly. I felt him smile against my neck, then he continued drag his teeth over the skin. I began to moan in delight, but I was interrupted by the continued vibration in Julian’s pocket.

  “Hon, you might want to get that. It’s the fourth time in less than three minutes, I think it’s important.”

  Reluctantly, Julian pulled the phone out and answered it. “Hello?” he asked with obvious annoyance at the disturbance. His face grew pale as squatted on the ground and listened.

  “Yes, I’m here. Where? I will be there immediately.”

  I didn’t have to ask what was wrong. Something had happened to Raina, and it wasn’t good. Julian straightened out while the voice on the other line continued to speak. He motioned for me to get it the truck, so I strapped myself in and grabbed the door handle as he recklessly pulled out of the spot. Nervous that we were going to get into an accident, I asked Julian if he wanted me to drive. His arms were shaking as I reached out to touch him, and he flinched. He honked his horn at the cars impatiently, then he looked around and drove off of the street and into the immaculate lawns surrounding the park.