Forgetting

by J. L. Brooks

  Just as I was bewildered by my mother’s discernment, Julian appeared shocked by my empathy. I could tell he was having difficulty processing it, and had a hard time forming a response. I didn’t press, and waited quietly for him to speak.

  He chuckled into his cup and looked into the sky. “You know, I planned on telling you today that I wanted to take you with me, and I knew you would refuse. Honestly, I thought it was because you were afraid to leave, and I wanted to make sure you knew it would be okay. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t in love with you, but then again my plans didn’t include your memory coming back so soon. In some ways we know each other like the back of our hands, and in others we are complete strangers. I used to think if I ever found you again, and there was something to salvage from our past, that we would have this happy life and everything would be perfect. I should have known I was just dreaming.”

  My heart began to crumble as Julian sat up and started tossing broken pieces of sea grass into the wind. I couldn’t blame him for the way he felt, I had my own delusions of grandeur. Growing restless, I stood and reached my hand out. “C’mon. Let’s walk.” I urged him with a slight tug.

  He followed my lead, so I laced my arm over his elbow and directed us to the shoreline.

  “I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you, Julian. I just don’t see how that is possible without one of us giving up our lives. I feel like I’ve been given this second chance, and there is so much more I still need to do. I would never be able to forgive myself if you walked away from something you loved so much, and I know it’s going to take some time for you to trust me again. Aside from screwing like rabbits, our past is the only thing we have in common. We are both out of our elements right now, and we might find ourselves resentful if we don’t acknowledge who we are as a whole.”

  I looked up and saw the corners of Julian’s mouth twitch into a smile. I asked what he was thinking, and he bumped his hip into mine and knocked me slightly off balance.

  The twitch broke into a full smile and he agreed. “For the record, I enjoy being a rabbit with you. But I also know you are right. It wouldn’t be healthy for us to jump into something without all of our bearings, no matter how badly one of us has hoped for it.”

  I stopped walking and he took a few paces forward before realizing it.

  “What?” he asked.

  I held out my arms and twirled around in the sand laughing. “Hello. Have you seen me naked? What makes you think that you are the only one who has wanted this opportunity? I am a fucking mobile shrine devoted to all things Julian Moreau. Forever, mind you.” I teased.

  I grew playful, and I watched his pupils shrink as he took on hunter mode. My eyes grew wide and I began to step back in anticipation. Watching his shoulders flex, I knew he was ready to pounce, so I let out a scream as I ran in the opposite direction. I zig zagged along the beach at full speed. Each time I turned around, I would start laughing hysterically. He was undoubtedly faster than me, and this was sheer entertainment. He tackled me from behind, and I tumbled in the sand, braced by his arms to protect me from hitting too hard. Panting heavily, I was unable to catch my breath from laughing so hard. Julian had me pinned beneath him, and he started to tickle me.

  “What’s wrong with you damn people? Let me go!” I shouted.

  Laughing heartily, he taunted me with a question. “What are you going to do about it, Stella?”

  I tried to wiggle out of his grip, but knew it was useless. I was at his mercy, and he was taking full advantage of the situation. I continued to protest, but my pleas were weak. Growing tired of the fight and becoming immune to the harassment, I submitted beneath him.

  “Ah, c’mon Stella. You have more fight than that. It’s not like you to give up so easily.”

  I shook my head and grinned. “I know when to raise my little white flag. I won’t win this, so I there’s no point in trying.”

  His eyes took on an expression of satisfaction, and he loosened his grip. “Remember those words, Stella.” He chuckled before leaning in and biting my bottom lip. “And remember when you are out in the world, how my lips felt against yours.” He lowered himself again and gifted me a consuming kiss. I moaned into his mouth, and it only provoked him further. Sinking his hips against mine, he growled into my ear. “And never forget what it feels like to have me inside of you, making you cum so hard you almost can’t take it, how I don’t stop, and I make you cum again, and again . . .”

  My body started to quake beneath him in ecstasy, as pleasure electrified every nerve. I felt his body lift off of mine, and opened my eyes as Julian was brushing the sand off his shorts with a smug expression. I lay there fully clothed and breathless, flinging my arm over my eyes in frustration.

  “I hate you,” I said with a smile.

  For the next two days, Julian and I explored the island and each other’s bodies with delight. We allowed ourselves to get lost in the fantasy just a little bit longer before coming back to reality. When we arrived back at my parents, he made the decision to stay at the vineyard, knowing his time there was also as limited. I offered to join him, and he politely declined. We both felt the pang of disappointment in knowing that soon we would be going our separate directions, and our beach trysts may have been our last.

  I cried myself to sleep as I wrestled with whether or not we were complete idiots. I told Julian my plans about finishing out my tour, and he promised to see me when I played at Madison Square Gardens. I found a new sense of enthusiasm at sharing my world with Julian, and I promised to give a private concert at the hospital. I cried the next morning in my mother’s arms, as I replayed the conversation . . . minus a few details. She smiled wistfully, but was proud of us for loving each other enough to let one another go.

  “You didn’t say it was over, you simply acknowledge that it wasn’t the right time. If anyone knows that tomorrow is uncertain, it’s the two of you. If and when the time comes for you to revisit the possibility, you will be much more confident in the decision of committing to a life together. It takes very wise people to recognize that they aren’t ready or suited to live a life with someone else. I know it hurts right now, Stella, but it was the right choice. You will come to understand that someday.”

  I hugged her fiercely as my tears began to cease. I felt the weight in my heart finally lift, and the breath return to my lungs. I started to laugh and wipe away at my eyes. Meeting my mother’s loving gaze, I knew it would be okay. The next day Julian arrived to take me to the airstrip. A private jet was waiting, and he requested to see me off.

  Christopher and Michael stepped off of the plane and greeted him warmly before addressing me. “Welcome back, boss,” they said enthusiastically.

  A young woman wearing a short black skirt and leather jacket stepped off of the plane next, and walked precariously down the metal steps to carefully avoid tripping in her spiked stilettos. All three of the men raised their brows as she approached.

  Giving a confident smile, she marched up to me and introduced herself. “Miss Brady, it’s nice to finally meet you. My name is Adie, and your agency has assigned me to be your temporary manager. I haven’t had a singer as a client before, but I assure you I am qualified. The boys felt I was the best candidate, so I hope you agree and decide to bring me on full time.”

  I shook her hand and bit back a smirk. I wanted to elbow Julian, but refrained. “It’s nice to meet you, Adie. I am sure you will be fine. These guys know me very well, and wouldn’t bring anyone into my world that would piss me off.”

  Her eyes widened and she looked to Michael for direction.

  He cracked up and placed his arm on her shoulder reassuringly. “Her bark is worse than her bite. Unless you are Julian. He would beg to differ.”

  She asked who Julian was, and he stepped forward to shake her hand. “I’m Julian. Remember that, because Stella has promised me all kinds of things, and it will be your job to make sure they happen.”

  I waited for one of the guys to crack, an
d commended them for holding a straight face. I could see she was nervous, and I didn’t want to start off on the wrong foot.

  “Adie, were just kidding. If you are to learn anything about us, it should be that we are a sarcastic bunch. My favorite word used to be fuck, and I am well known for kicking random men out of my hotel room at odd hours of the night. Just know that those things won’t happen anymore. The only thing that will stick is I am notoriously private and fiercely loyal to those I care about. As long as you are honest and take care of me, I will do the same for you.”

  She breathed a sigh of relief and started to relax. She tapped on her tablet and began to rattle off a list of my pending obligations before I stopped her midway through the second day.

  “Do you mind giving us a minute? We can go over this on the flight.”

  Pausing in surprise, she lowered the tablet and excused herself from the group. I slapped Christopher on the back hard as he watched her climb the stairs and duck into the plane. “I am going to kill you guys. Really? That’s who you picked for me?”

  They both smiled and nodded in agreement. “She really is the most qualified. She doesn’t mess around, but most of all, she doesn’t drink or do drugs. You need someone like her to make sure you don’t get caught up in things again. We’ve all seen it happen, and you have come too far. We promise to be good, we’re just getting a good laugh,” Michael joked.

  I shook my head and shooed them toward the plane. They said goodbye to Julian, and left us to have a few words. I felt myself becoming anxious, and started twisting the fabric on my shirt. Julian reached out and stilled my hands. I would miss his cathartic touch, and the way he anchored me in place. Lifting my chin to meet his gaze, he smiled warmly.

  “Don’t cry. You will see me soon enough. This isn’t like before. You aren’t running away. If you need anything, I am a phone call away. Understand?”

  I nodded softly, and tried my best to keep my chin from quivering. He placed his hands on both sides of my face, and I closed my eyes, waiting for his lips to find mine. Over forty-eight hours without his warmth had felt like eternity, but I survived. Just as I would the moment the plane left the ground. Noticing he had not moved forward, I opened my eyes in confusion. Julian was smiling mischievously, and placed a wet, sloppy kiss on my mouth.

  Breaking away, I felt even more perplexed. “What was that about?” I asked scornfully.

  He still held the same stupid grin, and I couldn’t understand why. “If I gave you this earth shattering kiss before you left, you wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. If I leave you with that, you will be slightly annoyed and pissed off at me. I have my methods.”

  He was right, I was annoyed and pissed.

  “That’s not how this is supposed to happen!” I shrieked.

  Wagging his brows, he leaned in and placed his lips against my ear and started panting with an exaggerated heaviness.

  “Seriously, kiss me, dammit!”

  Trying to be determined and failing miserably, he gently cradled my head again. I kept one eye cocked open in the event he attempted something odd. I started to laugh, and knew this was going downhill quickly. He leaned in and hovered over my mouth, leading me to believe he was finished playing around. His lips roamed over my face, before landing softly on the tip of my nose. He released his hands, and took a step back.

  “Really?” I asked, frustrated.

  Bouncing on his toes ecstatically, he replied, “Really.”

  I shook my head and gave him the middle finger as I turned and walked to the plane. I heard him jog up behind me, then he grabbed my waist and spun me around, dipping me backward and laying another sloppy kiss on me. “Little white flag, remember?” he said teasingly.

  I gave a knowing smile and nodded. He brought me back to my feet, and kissed my forehead before pressing his against it and looking into my eyes.

  “Life is a series of choices, Stella. How we react will determine which direction it will go. Sometimes we make bad ones, even though we always hope to make the best. We work with the information we have at that moment. A bad choice only becomes a mistake if you choose not to learn from it. Just so you know, you were never a mistake.”

  I felt myself starting to cry, then he leaned in and kissed me softly, before pulling me into a tight embrace. “I love you, Stella Brady. I always have and I always will.”

  Choking out the words, I told him I loved him too. Knowing I had to leave, I reluctantly pulled away and walked slowly to the stairs. I stopped at the top, turned around, and looked at him sadly.

  “I’ve made a lot of bad choices. I can only pray I haven’t made a mistake.”

  I ducked into the plane, walked swiftly past the group, and locked myself in the bathroom. Leaning over the toilet, I was helpless to stop the overwhelming sickness rattling my gut. It wasn’t leaving Julian that brought me to my knees, it was the small leather box I set on his seat with a note tucked underneath.

  ~ The Next Chapter ~

  Six months had passed since I left Mooresville and embarked on a new journey of self-discovery. Adie had connected me with a fantastic therapist who conducted Skype sessions, which allowed me to meet with her regularly. The first two sessions were mostly comprised of sharing everything that happened before the real work began. I loved that she wasn’t afraid to challenge me, or intimidated by my status.

  When I questioned her about it, she simply replied, “It is not my job to judge who you are. You pay me to help you figure out what is preventing you from being your best possible self, and empower you with the tools to move past any obstacles.”

  My mother told me right away about Julian finding the note, and how he expedited the process of selling the vineyard and bakery. When I asked how Darrick and Victor were doing, her voice grew quiet. “He didn’t sell it to them after all. He actually chose a couple entering retirement to take over. They expressed their desire to have something to pass along to their grandchildren, and he liked the idea of it staying with a local family.”

  Although I felt Darrick and Victor would have been fabulous proprietors, I smiled thinking about returning to see children running along the trellises. I spoke to my mother daily as promised, even if it was only for five minutes. Julian had remained silent, but was in contact with my mother almost as often as I was. She didn’t bring me up to him, and only answered questions when prompted. It saddened me to know that my actions would be taken so harshly, but we both seemed satisfied to know the other was well.

  I was eager to return to the states after being gone for so long, and ready to unpack the unique treasures I’d collected along the way. I brought more than enough to decorate my apartment and share with my parents. I hadn’t had a space of my own in so long, I wondered how I would feel coming home alone. But being who I was, I was never truly alone.

  The plane touched ground at Charles De Gaulle early in the morning, and a chauffeur was waiting to whisk us off to the Hotel Napoleon near the Champs-Elysées. The concert was being held at the Parc des Princes the next day, and sound check was set for two in the afternoon. Since it was part of an annual music festival, I knew there were several bands playing, including Kai’s. Word hit that we would be in the same city, and I received an email several hours later asking if he could take me to dinner to catch up.

  Adie watched curiously as I primped for the evening. She never asked questions, but then again, I had yet to entertain a suitor. Flashing a devious smile as I left the suite, Christopher escorted me to Ribouldingue, an elegant eatery just a short walk across the Seine River to the Notre Dame Cathedral. My palms became sweaty, and for the first time in a while, I was nervous. Kai had attempted to reach out to me a few times since his visit to Mooresville, but I was never quite sure how to proceed. The two interactions we had were so tumultuous, it was hard to believe he still wanted to have anything to do with me.

  The car pulled up to the curb and Christopher got out, then extended his hand to assist me. I was ushered into the restaur
ant, and immediately noticed Kai at the bar with his back facing me. After bringing my finger to my mouth to indicate silence, I tiptoed up behind him and wrapped my hands around his head to cover his eyes.

  “Guess who?” I purred.

  He turned around slowly and licked his lips, while assessing me from head to toe. “Now this is someone I remember,” he said with a smile.

  Setting his feet down from the edge of the bar stool, he stood to his full height and pulled me into his arms.

  “Like you could ever forget me,” I teased, as I continued to lean against his chest.

  Kai chuckled deeply and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. “That, my dear, is impossible.”

  He put his elbow out to the side, so I slid my arm in for balance and looked up. Still wearing a blinding smile, he looked out into the dining room and nudged slightly. “Shall we?” he asked.

  Like a gentleman, he held out my chair before sitting down. The small white tablecloths and wood paneling created an intimate atmosphere in the quaint space. The conversation was low, but jovial, as patrons dined; a few even accompanied by their furry companions. We ordered a bottle of wine and toasted to Paris.

  Connecting with Kai was as easy as breathing. There was no apprehension, and our lifestyles had taken a similar course. Although he was under thirty-five, he had already set in motion the plans for retiring. Working with an investor, he was negotiating the start of his own business, opening an indie music compound in Los Angeles for new artists to record quality albums and learn the trade. He wanted to use all of his experience to pay it forward, and he knew that he could only play drums for so long before the band lost its momentum. The past year had taught him the value of being proactive versus reactive, because there were no guarantees.