Saving Silence

by Gina Blaxill

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, taken aback. ‘There a reason he wouldn’t be?’

  ‘It’s just . . . well . . . he’s being picked on.’

  I blinked. ‘What? Did he say something to you at reading club?’

  Sam looked surprised. ‘You know about that?’

  ‘It’s hardly a big secret. Benno seems OK to me. Are you sure about this?’

  ‘He made me promise not to tell you, but I’m worried about him. I just thought you should know.’

  I couldn’t help but feel a bit hurt. Why would Benno confide in Sam when he had me? I was his sister. OK, maybe we didn’t spend tons of time together, but he had to know I was there for him. Sam implying I’d missed something this important really got under my skin.

  It also reminded me of why I had come.

  ‘Was this what you were trying to tell me on Saturday?’

  Something jangled. The dog, who I’d thought was asleep, was on her feet. She went over and nudged Sam’s hand with her nose.

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, avoiding looking directly at me. ‘Sorry if you thought it was something more interesting.’

  ‘Bit overdramatic, don’t you think? All that speaking outside and it being something I’m not going to “like”,’ I said, raising an eyebrow. ‘Well, thanks, I guess.’

  ‘I need to feed Jessie now. See you at sixth form tomorrow, maybe.’

  I didn’t take the hint. ‘What about the car, Sam? I know what I saw. I know what I heard. It seemed pretty deliberate to me. Are you in some kind of trouble?’

  Sam turned away. ‘Why would you think that?’

  ‘I heard them call your name. They wanted to hurt you. Maybe even kill you!’

  ‘Don’t be stupid. The police said it was random.’ Sam’s body language was defensive now. ‘I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.’

  ‘You can’t lie to my face and expect me to swallow it. I could help you, Sam. Whatever it is. You’ve helped me with Benno and I owe you. I don’t do sympathy, but I’m not a bad person to have around if you’re in trouble.’

  He shrugged.

  ‘What are you afraid of?’ I said more softly. ‘I won’t tell anyone.’

  ‘Nothing,’ Sam said quietly. ‘I need to feed the dog.’

  ‘Sam. Tell me.’

  ‘Look.’ His head snapped up. His eyes met mine, and there was sudden steel in them. ‘It was a random accident. Leave me alone, Imogen.’

  With that he opened the cupboard, took out a bag of dog mixer and dumped it on the counter. I stared at his back, completely thrown. There was a faint patch of sweat on his T-shirt between his shoulder blades that hadn’t been there when I’d come in, and his hands were shaking.

  ‘Sam—’

  ‘Go away! I mean it.’

  I wasn’t going to get anywhere. Forceful hadn’t worked and neither had the softly-softly approach. And I’d thought Sam was one of those quiet sensitive types! He wasn’t. He was bloody stubborn.

  ‘Fine.’ I’d given him the opportunity to speak up and he hadn’t. ‘Can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.’

  Sam opened a drawer and took out a metal spoon, making an unnecessary amount of noise. I took my cue and left, grabbing a handful of biscuits on the way out.

  Outside it was dark and beginning to rain. As I waited for the bus I felt glum and uncomfortable.

  There was no big mystery. Just Sam tipping me off about Benno. Weirdly I felt disappointed. I’d built it up – and him up – to be something far more interesting. But then again, the way he’d acted had made me more certain than ever that the people in the car really had intended to hurt him. Not that it was my business. Sam didn’t want my help. He hadn’t when he’d started school and I’d tried to be friendly and he didn’t now. You couldn’t force someone to like you.

  My phone rang. Damn, what if it was Ollie? What if he’d found out I’d been at Sam’s? I whipped out my mobile. To my relief the screen said ‘Home’.

  ‘Are you nearby?’ Dad asked when I picked up.

  ‘Depends on where you are,’ I said, only a little sarcastically. It was rare for Dad to call rather than Mum – she was probably still at work. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Could you come home? There’s someone who wants to speak to you.’

  SAM

  TUESDAY 12 NOVEMBER

  Jessie looked at me as I mixed her food, her expression saying, ‘What the hell’s wrong with you?’

  ‘Who knows?’ I sighed as I laid down her dinner. ‘Tamsin thinks I’m still concussed and she might be right. What do you think?’

  Jessie ignored me and stuck her head in the bowl. Straightening up, I looked round the kitchen. What must Imogen have thought of me, plastered with flour and wearing battered old clothes? I picked up a biscuit, paused a moment, then put it down. I hadn’t baked in ages. I’d only done it today because . . . I didn’t even know why. Working my anger into dough hadn’t stopped Mum dying. It was hardly going to keep me safe now.

  Imogen had come to my house, actually come in, stood there, asked how I was, and I didn’t think she was mocking me either. I felt both dazed-happy and dazed-disturbed. I was sure that someone like Ollie Moreno wouldn’t be such an idiot over this. He’d probably always had girlfriends. I used to think he was effortlessly cool and super slick. Not any more. At least Imogen had bought my bluff. The stuff about Benno was true. But it wasn’t the thing I’d come to tell her on Saturday. The thing that almost got me – and her – killed.

  I hoped Imogen would leave this well alone now. I especially hoped she wouldn’t discuss it with Ollie. I could hide in the kitchen as long as I liked, but that wasn’t going to make the danger go away.

  This was a life-or-death situation now.

  IMOGEN

  WEDNESDAY 13 NOVEMBER

  SCHOOLGIRL HERO SAVES CLASSMATE.

  I stood staring at the Walthamstow Chronicle billboard feeling as if I wanted to go and shove my head in a bucket of very icy water, lock myself in my wardrobe or jump in front of the 123 bus. Anything to get away from the smiling picture of me in my school uniform staring back at me from the front page. Ugh! Of all the photos Dad could have chosen to give to the reporter he’d called me home to speak to yesterday!

  There is so much wrong with this, I thought. Point one, I resent being called schoolgirl. The word is ‘student’. Two, Sam isn’t my classmate any more. We do different subjects. Three, hero is fast becoming my least-favourite word in the English language.

  I’d tried telling Dad that I didn’t want a fuss. He’d been half asleep and I’d have got my own way if it hadn’t been for the bossy reporter. In the end I’d agreed to say a few words to shut her up. Fatal error. Far from shutting anyone up, the report was there, and it was glowing.

  ‘Im?’ Benno said.

  I snapped back to reality. ‘Let’s get to school, eh?’

  ‘You looked like you were going to cry.’

  ‘Me cry? As if! Everything’s just fine and dandy.’ Changing the subject, I said, ‘How was reading club yesterday without Sam?’

  ‘Fine.’ Benno said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He didn’t look at me. If it wasn’t for what Sam had said, I’d believe you, I thought. I hadn’t got a proper chance to speak to Benno last night, with the reporter visiting.

  ‘You didn’t go, did you?’

  ‘I didn’t want to if Sam wasn’t there. I don’t know the other tutors.’

  I sighed. ‘You should’ve texted me. You know Mum doesn’t like you walking home alone.’

  ‘I was OK. I got a lift home.’

  ‘Oh yeah? Who with?’

  ‘Er . . . someone in my class.’

  I laid my hand on his shoulder. ‘Benno, I hope you know you can tell me stuff. Anything. I look out for you and I care. More importantly, I’m not Mum and Dad.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’ Now Benno was doing a poor job of hiding how uncomfortable he felt. I let out a groan. ‘You idiot! Why didn’t you tell me you were being bullied?’<
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  ‘I’m not.’ Benno said in a tone that clearly said he was. ‘What would you know about that anyway?’

  ‘This stuff happens, kiddo. There’s no shame in it. But keeping quiet’s really not the way to fix this. Tell me everything. We’ll sort it.’

  Benno pulled away. ‘Didn’t want to say cos other people have it worse.’

  Benno shouldn’t have to be thinking about these things at his age! If someone was making him unhappy, he should feel safe enough to speak out, not lie. And he had lied, a heck of a lot. I realized I’d never met these mates he claimed to have made. Whenever I picked Benno up from the gates, he was always waiting by himself. So what had my brother been doing those times he’d told us he was round his so-called friends’ houses – mooching round the high street, hiding in shops, knocking about with dodgy types who befriended lonely kids? Was that what he thought his family expected from him? Mum and Dad were on Planet Zog most of the time, but I was horrified that he hadn’t told me.

  ‘I thought you’d think I was weedy.’ Benno’s voice wobbled. ‘You’re tough. I wanted to be like you. And you’re always busy like Mum and Dad.’

  ‘I love you, stupid!’ He’d got it so badly wrong that it made me hurt. Did he really see me as someone that uncaring? And was I? ‘Do none of the teachers know?’

  Benno shook his head, sniffing. I fumbled in my bag for a tissue and didn’t tell him it was gross when he blew his nose then wiped his eyes with it.

  ‘We’ll go out after school, just you and me. Maccy D’s, or the Turkish cafe or something. We’ll talk. I’m not angry, OK? Think you can get through today all right?’

  Benno nodded. And then Nadina’s voice said from behind us, ‘Enjoy the front page while it lasts. You’re not gonna be on it next week.’

  I turned and got out the first syllable of ‘hello’. Nadina looked like she’d been chewed up and spat out. She had eyeliner trails down her cheeks. Even her hair looked flat. It must be bad.

  I threw my arms around her. ‘What happened, babe?’

  ‘Not me it’s happened to,’ Nadina said. Benno offered her his snotty tissue. ‘Y’know Hamdi?’

  It took me a moment to connect the name to the guy who’d been attacked in the shop. ‘Oh Christ. He’s not . . .’

  Nadina nodded. ‘There was me thinking he’d pull though. My parents heard from his about an hour ago.’ She nodded at the newspaper front page. ‘You be glad you’ve given people good news. Cos next edition, it’s all going to be about catching the bastards who did this.’

  I’d never liked circuses when I was little. Not because they weren’t fun, but because you just got a taste of every act. I preferred detail, knowing something through and through. Maybe that was why I found multitasking difficult. And today was all about multitasking: Benno, Nadina, Sam. Actually learning though, that was bottom of my priority list. There wasn’t time to think about Sam, who still wasn’t in, and Benno I’d talk to later, so for the rest of the school day I concentrated on supporting Nads.

  ‘Nothing you can say’s gonna make it better,’ she told me as she splashed her face with water in the toilets. ‘Hamdi was a good guy. He wanted to set up an IT business. He had a girlfriend. He was going places.’

  Nadina finished earlier than I did on Wednesdays so we said goodbye in the corridor before she headed home. I bumped into Ollie on the way to my next lesson.

  ‘Did you hear the news about Hamdi?’ I asked. Ollie nodded. ‘It’s awful. Nads says he was a really nice guy.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Ollie fiddled with the strap to his sports bag. He seemed in an even stranger mood than he had been on Monday. Still brooding about Sam, clearly. ‘I’ll see you later, OK? Gotta run, else I’ll be late.’

  ‘OK,’ I said, watching him hurry off in the direction of the sports block. Obviously we needed another talk. Now wasn’t the time though.

  When lessons finished, I met Benno and we set off. As I pressed the button at the crossing outside school I caught sight of a figure on the other side of the road, looking at us.

  Sam! He was bundled up in a scarf and winter coat, but it was obviously him. Suddenly he walked away rapidly, towards the bus stop. The 123 rolled past as the lights turned red. By the time Benno and I were across, he was gone.

  What was that about? I wondered. Feeling my pocket vibrate, I took out my mobile. The screen showed a text from an unknown number.

  Sorry, it said. Sam.

  If I’d thought Sam would pick up, I would have called him. Never mind how he got my number. But Benno was here. I wasn’t going to fob him off when he needed me. If Sam wanted to play weird games with me, tough. I wasn’t playing. Not right now anyway.

  ‘Are we going? I’m really thirsty,’ said Benno, taking my arm.

  Dropping the phone into my pocket, I smiled and gave his shoulders a squeeze.

  Looking back, I know I probably made the wrong decision. There could only be one reason Sam had been outside sixth form. He wanted to talk. Maybe this time I could’ve got answers? But Benno’s comment about me always being too busy for him had got to me. He needed me right now.

  In the Turkish cafe, over some sweet tea and baklava, Benno and I talked – really talked. I realized how out of touch I was. Once upon a time I’d’ve known which mangas he liked and what cool gadgets he wanted. When had I stopped paying attention? It turned out there was a particular boy in his class who was making Benno’s life a misery. The others were simply joining in to avoid getting picked on themselves. I felt relieved. This was nothing that couldn’t be sorted out.

  I will be a better sister, I thought. And to make good on it, I took him home via the DVD rental shop and we watched one of the Iron Man films together. Dad stuck his head round the door as he left for his shift.

  ‘Nice to see you doing something together,’ he commented. ‘You could go and see that new superhero film at the cinema too, the one advertised on all the buses. I’ll treat you.’

  I smiled and said it would be nice. I knew it wouldn’t happen. Dad never remembered stuff like this. Still, he’d been right about one thing. Doing something with my brother felt good.

  Sam and his mysterious games could wait until tomorrow.

  But as it turned out, tomorrow was too late.

  SAM

  WEDNESDAY 13 NOVEMBER

  On the bus I felt angry at myself. What the hell was I doing, leaving the house and going to sixth form, somewhere I knew for a fact wasn’t safe? I took a seat. My eyes met the hostile gaze of a guy wearing a beanie hat on the opposite side of the bus. I looked away quickly. Then I sidled a glance back. He was still looking at me. What if he was one of them? I rammed my finger on the stop button, jumping off as soon as the doors opened and running down the nearest side road.

  If the guy had followed there was no way I’d’ve been fast enough to escape, but he hadn’t. He was still on the bus and was probably just a normal guy who didn’t like the look of me. Or maybe he hadn’t given me a funny look at all and I was just starting to go crazy with stress, seeing threats where there were none.

  It was the first time I’d left the house since Saturday and I felt like I was falling apart. I can’t carry on like this, I thought. I have a life, and yeah, it could be better, but I want it back. I have to do something to sort this out.

  Yesterday I’d been resolved not to involve Imogen. I’d been congratulating myself on throwing her off, trying to make out I was some . . . I don’t know, brave heroic character from one of Mum’s films. Ditto Mia. But it just didn’t work in real life.

  This morning I realized how wrong it all was. I knew stuff that Imogen ought to know and I couldn’t get away from that. It wasn’t fair that I was in a position to change her life. Having that kind of power over someone’s future was horrible, but Imogen was a doer, someone who liked facts, someone who was almost brutally practical. She’d rather know, I was sure, and better it came from me than from someone else. And maybe she’d help me figure out what I ought to do too.
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  But when I saw her with Benno I bottled it. There was no way I could speak freely with him there. He was just a kid – I didn’t want him getting involved in this, especially now I’d got to know him.

  For a moment I did consider going to the police. They were there to help, theoretically, but it was dangerous to accuse anyone of anything around here, unless you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt they’d get convicted. I’d heard about so many revenge attacks that I knew there was no chance I’d be safe. I remembered reading about a builder who’d reported a couple of guys for breaking into his neighbour’s house. A couple of nights later the man was walking his kids home from school when a bunch of guys jumped out and beat him up in front of them. He’d ended up on life support. I didn’t want that happening to me.

  I’d had enough of faffing about. It was time for a new plan.

  IMOGEN

  THURSDAY 14 NOVEMBER

  For the first time ever I considered bunking school. What was the point of sitting in lessons when I couldn’t concentrate? Learning about cash flow and business plans – whatever! I pictured Sam’s earnest face and I wondered what was going on under that too-thick head of hair, that hidden world I’d completely failed to get through to.

  I couldn’t vent my frustration on Nadina, not when she wasn’t herself. I was impressed she’d made it in at all. ‘What else was I gonna do?’ she asked, pushing soggy fries round her plate at lunchtime. We were sitting in our usual spot behind the cutlery counter in the canteen, which with its peachy-orange walls looked as though it had a bad case of fake tan. Kimmie and Justyna, two mates of ours, were next to us arguing about X Factor. ‘It’s doom and gloom back home. Doing my head in.’

  ‘I can come over,’ I said. ‘Or you’re welcome to stop by mine. Might do you good to get away.’

  ‘Cheers, but there ain’t anything you can do.’

  I decided to change the subject and told her that I was going to pop round to Sam’s. It would upset Ollie if he found out – he was still being distant – but it was the only thing I could think to do. So after school I took Benno home and then caught the bus over.