Saving Silence

by Gina Blaxill

  ‘Eh?’ Nadina looked flabbergasted. ‘I never said anything to Ollie.’

  ‘Yeah, right. It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve spilled secrets.’

  Nadina reddened. She knew exactly what I was talking about. Two years back, I’d told her about a boy I’d fancied. Within a week everyone knew – including the boy. I’d never been vulnerable like that at school before. I’d hated it. ‘I only told Kimmie and Justyna,’ Nads had admitted. Like that had made it better! She just couldn’t resist gossiping. Why hadn’t I learned from that?

  Nadina pushed her half-eaten lunch to one side. ‘Well, I didn’t blab this time! I’m your best mate, Im. I’ve learned my lesson.’

  I crushed my napkin into a ball. I hadn’t intended to get this angry or be so mean but somehow I couldn’t help myself. ‘Most of the time I don’t call you on gossiping. Usually it doesn’t matter. But this time it does. I don’t know why Sam bugs Ollie so much, but I don’t want to lose him over this, because I do not fancy Sam. I’m just interested in him, which is entirely different. This is getting blown up all out of proportion!’

  Nadina leaned forward. Slowly and emphatically she said, ‘I. Didn’t. Tell.’

  ‘So how did Ollie find out?’

  Nadina grabbed her bag. ‘Y’know what? I’ve had a tough week and I ain’t sitting here listening to this. I don’t know how this got out, but it’s a nice world when your own best friend won’t trust you!’

  The words stung. ‘You’re a fine one to talk about trust. Past evidence speaks for itself.’

  ‘Past evidence?’ Nadina raised her voice. ‘You just love your facts and figures, don’t you? Here’s some news: they ain’t always right! Sometimes you gotta go with what your heart tells you. Even if the facts say otherwise.’

  ‘You saw those messages. Maybe I wouldn’t be so mad if I wasn’t freaked out!’

  ‘So bloody what? I’m scared about what happened to Hamdi, about my family getting attacked, lots of things, and I’m not bitching at you! What’s happening to you ain’t so special. And this ain’t school any more, where you stamp your foot and everyone stands to attention.’

  ‘You are totally missing the point.’

  ‘The point is, you’re not acting like my mate. And until you gimme a bit more respect, you can get outta my face.’ Nadina stalked out without looking back. I looked down at the bloomer in my hands. Chilli chicken. My favourite. The last one left.

  Oh, screw that! I thought. I wasn’t about to let a sandwich make me feel guilty. Nadina blowing up in my face had shaken me even though I partly deserved it. I still believed I was right though. She could give me that rubbish about listening to my heart. But this wasn’t some cheesy Hollywood movie. This was real life. Facts and figures were usually right.

  That didn’t explain why I felt so bad though.

  I rang Ollie because I wanted to see where we stood. I caught him in the middle of playing basketball. He wasn’t mad at me, but he didn’t quite sound himself.

  ‘Just don’t like lies,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to get all serious, but it’s like I don’t know who you are any more.’

  Serious, I thought. That was exactly what we seemed to be now – was this growing up? Ollie and me had never done this deep and meaningful stuff before. We just worked together at school and then enjoyed ourselves outside it, doing normal stuff like watching matches, films and hanging out. I missed that. It was fun and it was easy. I was half minded to go and watch him playing basketball, but maybe it was smarter to give him space.

  Going to Sam’s again was the last thing I should do, given the trouble it had caused. It probably made me a bad girlfriend. But the damage had already been done with Ollie and I couldn’t help wondering if anything else had happened. For some reason I felt self-conscious as I rang the bell. This made the third visit in a week.

  Tamsin opened the door. Her face fell when she saw me.

  I smiled. ‘Hey. Just passing by. Any news?’

  ‘Yes, actually,’ She was wearing the dressing gown again, her hair wrapped in a towel. ‘Sam phoned yesterday.’

  I was a bit taken aback by how relieved I felt. ‘What did he say?’

  ‘Apparently he’s fine. Didn’t tell me where he was or what he was doing, just that I shouldn’t worry.’ She gave a little shrug. ‘If I thought they’d take it seriously, I’d call the police. I can’t though, can I? He’s not missing.’

  Yeah, he’s well aware of that, I thought. Smart move, Sam. I was about to go when Tamsin said, ‘This is a little cheeky, but how would you feel about minding the house for a few hours tomorrow? I’d make it worth your while. Normally I wouldn’t bother for an evening, but I’d rather someone was here in case Sam rings. I’m not convinced he’d try my mobile if I didn’t pick up.’ She gave me an apologetic look. ‘I hope you don’t think I’m being a wicked stepmother for going out, but it’s my dad’s sixtieth and I don’t want to let him down.’

  It wasn’t the most thrilling Saturday night I could imagine, but I could do with the cash. And it might be an opportunity to find out more about Sam.

  Tamsin asked me to come over at six. Half an hour before I was due to leave, Ollie texted, asking me to hang out.

  I dithered over how to reply. I wanted to patch things up with him, but now was definitely not a good time. There was no way I could tell him the real reason I couldn’t meet up. In the end I said my parents were taking me and Benno to dinner for a treat. A crap lie – when had they ever done that? I asked if we could meet up tomorrow instead. After a few tense minutes’ wait Ollie texted back:

  Sure why not?

  I got on the bus to Sam’s feeling like I’d dodged a bullet.

  After running through where I could find things, Tamsin left. I watched the lights from her car head away from the front-room window. She’d promised to be back no later than eleven. That gave me bags of time, but I decided to wait half an hour, just in case. I sat on the sofa in front of the telly, scrolling through channels. Jessie settled on the rug by the window. She didn’t look up when I called her name. Perhaps she was missing Sam. Or maybe she just was an emo dog.

  As I went upstairs I told myself that what I was about to do wasn’t prying. It wasn’t like I’d broken in or anything. I had to admit though that I was kind of intrigued to know more about Sam.

  On the upstairs landing I had to open a couple of doors to find the right one. It was pretty tidy for a boy’s room – more than Ollie’s or Benno’s anyway. I wasn’t surprised to see that Sam had his own TV, games console and computer. The walls were bare apart from a pinboard, but the bookshelf was full of cookbooks and tons of novels, the kind we’d studied for GCSE English. Did he actually enjoy reading this stuff? Judging from the DVDs by the telly, I guessed yes. Old black-and-white movies, titles I recognized as classics – he must be quite a film buff. On the desk was a pile of school textbooks. Man, I didn’t even know which A levels Sam was taking.

  Sam had planned to disappear, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t have left clues. OK, I thought, if I was running away, where would I go? Out of town, definitely. Not to family. Too easy to trace. Friends? Sam had only started at Devereux in Year 10. He was a loner here, but for all I knew he had mates up north wherever it was he’d come from. How could I find that out?

  My eyes fell on the pinboard. It was covered with Post-it notes, but there were also photos, one of Jessie and another of a younger-looking Sam and a woman. They looked comfortable together. His mum, I guessed. She didn’t look entirely right, somehow. Like she was ill. Sam had never said anything about his mum. Had she died?

  What struck me more though was how different Sam looked. There was no way of hiding it – he’d been overweight. That square jaw of his was hard to make out. He must have lost a massive amount of weight before coming here. Perhaps that was why he seemed ashamed of being able to cook. He’d dressed entirely differently too, in baggy T-shirts and trackies that didn’t suit him nearly as well as the image he’d got g
oing now.

  Then something else caught my eye. Another photo, right at the bottom of the board – it was me. What the hell? But when I leaned in for a closer look I realized how completely wrong I was. It was some other blonde girl with similar-shaped glasses; that was all. Guess I’m still feeling a bit jumpy, I thought.

  Feeling guilty for intruding, I booted up Sam’s computer. Luckily it wasn’t password protected. The desktop picture was Jessie sitting by a lake. I opened My Pictures. Inside were about twenty folders.

  ‘I am not a stalker,’ I told myself. ‘I have good reasons for doing this.’

  I clicked on one titled ‘Summer’. Most of the photos inside were of a grassy place I didn’t recognize. There were a few of people – Sam, Tamsin, a tanned man with very white teeth I knew was Sam’s dad, a middle-aged couple and the blonde girl. She also appeared in the next folder I checked, as did the couple. Either they’re friends or family, I thought. The girl and Sam were clearly friendly. Could he have gone to hers? But if they were close, or related, Tamsin would have rung her already.

  Then I heard footsteps on the stairs.

  I was for it now! I looked round. There was nothing I could do and nowhere to hide. But Tamsin wasn’t due for hours yet. The front door was locked. Whoever this was must have a key. Sam’s dad? Sam? If they came in here –

  The door tilted open. A grey muzzle appeared round the edge.

  I let out a nervous laugh. Jessie looked at me like I was stupid and climbed on the bed.

  When I turned back to the computer, something had popped on to the screen. I realized it was an online chat window. Sam must have Messenger configured to log in automatically.

  The person messaging was called Mia.

  Sam! Where r u?

  As I moved the mouse to click close, Mia said:

  Tamsin rang Mum. R u OK? Is it the other night?

  Could Mia mean last Saturday? I opened up the conversation box. I recognized Mia’s user picture instantly. She was the blonde girl from the photos.

  I knew what I was going to do even before my hands settled on the keyboard.

  Hi, I typed. Imagining how Sam would sound was beyond me. I kept it neutral. I’m OK.

  Where r u? People are worried! Texted u but u didnt reply.

  Just with friends. Needed to get away.

  OMG they did see us! But how could they know who we are? Did they track u down? Am I OK?

  Could I have stumbled upon the reason why Sam was so afraid? And had Mia been with him? Problem was, now I was pretending to be him, there was only so much I could ask.

  Sam, I’m serious. U said it was OK. Were u lying to make me feel better?

  Think, Imogen! What might Sam say?

  You’re OK, I typed. I don’t think they saw us. But it got a bit too much for me.

  U could have come here! U didn’t need to disappear.

  Didn’t want to bother you.

  I must have got something right, because Mia replied:

  So typical! U always try to go it alone! Like you’re some old skool film hero! I could have come to police with u. Well u cant hide things from me. I did detective work, I read online that the shop man died. Did they find who did it?

  ‘What?’ I said out loud. Was I reading correctly? Unless there was a massive coincidence, Mia meant Hamdi Gul. Sam was connected to that?

  It was time to chance my arm.

  Not yet, I wrote.

  I know I said for you not to get involved but I need to ask. Did you see anything? Anything I might have forgotten?

  A pause.

  U know I didn’t. I was getting the table in the diner while u went in the shop. I only knew something had happened when I saw u running.

  There was an American-style diner across the road from the Guls’ that did burgers and fries. It was more upmarket than most of the other fast-food joints in the area and very popular.

  You didn’t see anything at all?

  I said no! What’s up, Sam? I thought u went to the police, told them what u saw. U said u were going to.

  Now I was lost. I’d no idea what Sam had or hadn’t done. As I dithered, Mia said:

  Where r u? Seriously you need to say.

  I can’t.

  Mia went quiet. I was halfway through typing a new message when she said:

  Im going to call u.

  A few seconds later she logged out of the conversation.

  ‘Brilliantly handled!’ I leaned back in the chair, rolling my shoulders. They’d tensed up while I’d been concentrating.

  So Sam – and Mia – knew something about the robbery and the attack on Hamdi Gul. Sam had gone in the shop. Could he have seen the attackers? Had they seen him? Had he gone to the police?

  My hunch was Sam hadn’t and had lied to Mia. Tamsin would have known. While I wasn’t sure she was the sharpest tool in the shed, she’d definitely have connected this to Sam’s disappearance.

  So Sam had kept quiet. Why?

  Tamsin returned bang on eleven and immediately asked if there had been any calls. Apart from a couple of unimportant ones, there hadn’t been. I’d spent the evening in front of the telly, unable to find anything else. I was all set to take the bus back but Tamsin insisted on giving me a lift.

  ‘I’m fine to drive, if that’s what you’re thinking,’ she said with a smile. ‘All the drinking tonight was done by my parents. Funny role reversal, isn’t it? Anyway, giving you a lift’s the least I can do.’

  Her being kind made me feel extra bad about sneaking round the house. The route back took us along the high street. As we turned on to it Tamsin had to brake sharply. Two police cars and an ambulance zoomed past, sirens wailing.

  ‘More drama!’ Tamsin said. ‘What is it about Saturday nights? I’ll take a different route.’

  As Tamsin indicated to turn off, I frowned. The police cars were pulling over further up, just by the green.

  Right where Nadina’s family’s shop was.

  ‘Tamsin,’ I said, ‘do you mind driving that way, please? My mate – it’s just, her family have a shop there. Probably just being jumpy but . . .’

  The rest of the sentence choked me up. Tamsin opened her mouth, then closed it. She turned off the indicator. As we drew near, I saw the paramedics rushing in with a stretcher. My dread turned to panic.

  ‘Oh God,’ I whispered. ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God. Please no.’

  The shop they were running into was Nadina’s. There was a hole in the front window and the vegetable racks outside were overturned. As I stared, I heard a new siren. A second ambulance raced up.

  Oh God. Two ambulances.

  I couldn’t see Nadina or her parents anywhere.

  Tamsin said something as I opened the door and bolted out, but I didn’t hear her. As I got to the front of the crowd I remembered how Nadina had pushed her way to my side last weekend.

  ‘Keep back, please. This is a crime scene.’ A police officer barred my way.

  ‘This is my friend’s shop!’ I yelled.

  Then the paramedics reappeared with the stretcher. Someone was on it. I knew even before I saw it that the body was Nadina.

  SAM

  SATURDAY 16 NOVEMBER

  I was sitting outside, wishing I was warmer and wondering how much longer I should stay out, when my phone rang. I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d been expecting when I’d arrived, but today had passed quietly and I’d started feeling better. I was even wondering whether I could take the bandage off my wrist, which felt more or less OK. Right now I was sitting on a bench in some kind of park. It was too dark to see much except the lights of tall blocks of flats in the distance. My nose felt icy enough to drop off and I hadn’t eaten for what seemed like forever. Every so often people passed by. No one bothered me, which was, after all, exactly why I’d come all this way.

  I’d thought Mia might call. She’d texted several times already – Tamsin had contacted her parents, desperate for clues as to where I might be. Imogen had texted too. I’d ignored both
of them. Whether it was cold, boredom or just the need to hear another voice, I decided to answer.

  ‘Hi, Mia.’

  ‘Sam!’ Mia’s voice always sounded high-pitched over the phone. ‘What was that weird IM all about?’

  ‘What IM?’

  ‘Just now, asking what I saw.’

  ‘Not me.’ The by now familiar feeling of fear rose in my gut. ‘I’m sitting on a bench in the middle of nowhere. Someone else must be using my account!’

  ‘Oh God. I must have been talking to them online. This is beyond creepsville! Sam, what’s going on? I know this is about what happened when I was staying with you. Did you really tell the police what you saw?’

  Suddenly glaring flaws were appearing in my hiding-away plan. Either you disappear completely or you don’t; this halfway house of taking calls and ringing Tamsin to let her know I was OK just didn’t work.

  ‘Of course I went to the police,’ I lied. ‘As for what’s going on, I’m not sure. But if someone’s impersonating me, what did you tell them?’

  ‘Nothing, at least I don’t think so.’ Mia sounded even more high-pitched now. ‘Let me check. I’ve got the window open. Hmm . . . no, I just said about me going to the cafe, the shop man being dead—’

  ‘Dead?’

  ‘Didn’t you know? There was nothing on the main news here, but it’s all over the Internet. He died in hospital a few days ago. It’s terrible.’

  I stared into the darkness. All the time I’d been out of my mind with worry about myself, and I hadn’t even thought about seeing if Hamdi Gul – I wasn’t even sure that was his name – had pulled through. I suppose it must have been all over the Metro and maybe local news websites too, but I hadn’t picked up a paper or thought to look anything up. I felt small and selfish.

  I hadn’t just witnessed an armed robbery any more. I could write that off, pretend it didn’t really matter – I mean, people nicked stuff all the time. Carrying knives wasn’t uncommon either. No, I’d witnessed a murder.

  And suddenly it all made so much more sense. Of course they’d tried to kill me! They must have known that there was a chance Hamdi wasn’t going to make it, that they’d beaten him up too badly. They needed to clean up the evidence. In other words, me.