A Taste of Reality

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “You think they’re messing around?”

  “Who’s to say, but Kelli is barely one cubic centimeter from being poor white trash, so I really don’t think so.”

  I smiled because it always amazed me when I heard Lorna and some of my other white friends label someone as poor white trash, and I was equally amazed when we as black people called certain African-Americans the word nigger. The latter was even more interesting, because we’d fought for more than a century trying to prevent all other nationalities from calling us that. But with everything I could think of, there were always unwritten laws and tiny exceptions to every rule.

  “I still don’t see how they could just give it to her, because it says right on the job posting that nondegreed applicants must have five years of solid HR experience. And I don’t see where two years of clerical work can be counted as solid anything when we’re talking about a managerial position. Plus, she’s only been with the company four years.”

  Lorna reached across the pure white linen tablecloth and covered my hand with her own. “Anise? Honey? We could go on and on about this for the rest of the evening, but it’s not going to change anything. I’m not in a position to make any waves, but what I do know is that you have to start planning your recourse. You can’t dwell on Kelli Jacobson or that job. You’ve got to figure out a way to bypass the emotional aspects of this and start speaking with an attorney.”

  “I just can’t do that. Not yet, anyway, because I really feel like I have to give them the benefit of the doubt until they make their decision. And it’s not like I’m overly anxious to go to court anyhow. As a matter of fact, I’ve never had to go to court for anything except a traffic ticket,” I said, sighing with much grief.

  The waiter refilled our water glasses and removed our almost empty salad plates.

  “More rolls?” he asked in a deep voice that reminded me of a guy I went to college with.

  “No, not for me,” I answered.

  “I’m fine as well,” Lorna added.

  “Just let me know if you need anything, and your dinners will be out shortly.”

  “Thank you,” Lorna told him with a flirtatious look on her face.

  He smiled and walked away.

  “Wouldn’t you like to get wild on a Saturday night with him?” she asked me, laughing.

  “Please. I guess he looks good enough, but I’m a married woman, remember?”

  “Too bad for you. Because I’d love to teach him a few things or two.”

  We both cracked up.

  “He looks like he just stopped nursing from his mother, if you ask me,” I teased.

  “Yeah, and that’s why it would be so easy to train him. You can make them do all the right things in all the right places when they haven’t been out in the world for too long.”

  “Train them to your own liking, huh?” I said, encouraging her.

  “That’s right.”

  “You’re a mess,” I said, but I wondered how Lorna could be so outgoing and so open when it came to desiring certain men—well, actually a lot of them—but seemed terrified when she’d told me about her run-in with Jim. I understood how she might have been afraid when the incident actually occurred, but I just couldn’t see her keeping quiet about it. But maybe I really didn’t understand as well as I thought I did and had no right judging her, since I’d never been sexually harassed myself.

  We finished our meals and discussed everything from her fourteen-year-old daughter to the fact that she really hadn’t been happy for a good number of years. She talked about wanting to find a man who loved her and her daughter and one who would be committed for life. She’d dated a ton of no-goods, and was starting to believe that there wasn’t much else to choose from. I insisted there was, and tried to make her realize that timing had a lot to do with everything. Some people were happier early in their lives and miserable later, while others were just the opposite. But regardless, there were going to be some bad times that we all had to deal with whether we wanted to or not.

  When the waiter left the check, I looked at the total and slid fifty dollars inside the leather folder. Then we walked out to our vehicles, said our good-byes and drove away from the parking lot.

  I wondered if David had arrived home yet, but my question was quickly answered when I opened the garage and saw that his Escalade was nowhere in sight. Working late was part of his normal schedule, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t called to inform me, but I was still hoping he’d be home somewhat earlier tonight. It was only after eight-thirty, and since there were times when he didn’t arrive home until after ten o’clock, I knew I had to be patient.

  I disarmed the security system, closed the door behind me and went down the hallway to our bedroom. I sighed when I realized I’d forgotten to grab the mail from the mailbox, and dreaded walking down the long driveway to get it. Still, I removed my suit, threw on a pair of lounging pants with a matching shirt and prepared to go retrieve it. But first, I lit five peach-scented candles, three across the dresser and one on each nightstand. When I finished, I removed all eight decorative pillows from our bed and neatly pulled back the comforter. I knew David would be tired after working so many hours and from driving home, so I decided the least I could do was create a relaxed atmosphere for him. We’d shared such a peaceful evening the night before, and now I wanted to continue in that mode indefinitely.

  When I remembered the mail again, I opened the door and stepped onto the front porch, but halted when I heard David turning off his ignition inside the garage. I hadn’t even heard the garage door opening while I was inside, but that wasn’t unusual, since the garage and our bedroom were on completely different sides of the house. I wanted to start the evening off right with him, so I decided to go offer my wifely greeting before he came into the house.

  But as I moved closer, with no shoes on, I could hear him talking. I hadn’t heard him slam any doors shut, so I assumed he was still sitting inside the truck with his windows down, because the closer I walked toward him, the more audible his conversation became.

  I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard him say, “I wish I could have stayed longer too, because you know I really enjoy being with you. We understand each other, and I appreciate that.” Then he paused for a minute, I assumed waiting for the other party to speak, but for me, time stopped completely. I didn’t know if it was that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, or if what I was hearing was unbelievable. I really couldn’t decide one way or the other, and while I contemplated back and forth, he spoke again.

  “Yeah, she’s here, but she doesn’t know I’m home yet. And I really hate having to face her, because I don’t want this reconciliation she’s all of a sudden pushing for. I tried pretending like I did, but there’s no way I can keep doing that.”

  He paused again.

  I stood there stifled, unable to move an inch.

  “I really want to,” he continued. “Believe me, I do. But you know I can’t just walk out on her that easily. Things like this take time when there’s so much property involved. And it’s like I told you tonight, it would be much better for me if she leaves, or if she is the one who files for a divorce. But now, she’s making things harder by wanting us to work things out. And in all honesty, I don’t know what’s come over her.”

  “You might as well tell your bitch that she can forget about me leaving or filing for a divorce,” I said, walking inside the garage where he was sitting.

  He flinched sharply when he turned and saw me, and it was obvious that he didn’t know whom to speak to next. Me? Or the whore he was having an affair with.

  “Damn,” he said. “I’ve gotta go, okay?”

  “Oh, so now you need some bitch’s permission to hang up your own goddamn phone?” I yelled as loud as I could.

  “Anise, please.”

  “Please my ass, David. You were stupid enough to get caught, so why don’t you deal with this like a man?”

  He unlatched his door and tried to open it.


  But I shoved it back closed.

  “Why are you being so childish?” he asked in frustration.

  “Childish? You’re the one sneaking around like a child with some other woman.”

  He sighed deeply. “Are you going to let me out or not?” he asked.

  “Yeah, you can get out all right. And while you’re at it, you can pack every goddamn thing you own and move your ass out of this house altogether,” I screamed, and walked out to the street to pull out the mail. It seemed silly, but that was the real reason I’d come outside in the first place.

  When I arrived back inside, I closed the front door, stormed into the bedroom, dropped the mail inside the armoire and started in on him again.

  “So how long has this shit been going on, David?”

  “Long enough,” he answered boldly.

  “Oh, really now? And when exactly were you planning to tell me about it?”

  “When it was necessary, I guess.”

  I laughed like I was deranged. “When it was necessary? You are so damn full of it, you know that?”

  “Look, all I can say is that I’m sorry. But before you continue on this rampage, I want you to know right now that I love her, and that I’m not about to stop seeing her.”

  My body went numb.

  I wanted to know the identity of this person who had snatched my husband from me without my knowing it. I wanted to know why he’d made love to me when he knew he wanted someone else.

  “Who is she, David?”

  I waited for him to say something, anything. But all he did was stare back and forth between me and the suit he was hanging up.

  At that moment, I wished I had never laid eyes on him a day in my life. I knew our marriage had been falling apart, but I didn’t think David would actually go this far. I had my faults, some that really needed to be worked on, but nothing should have been so terrible that he sought comfort in someone else’s bed. Especially since he’d just made love to me the night before. I was so hurt over what I’d just learned, but in a sense, I had been aware all along of those unusually long business trips and late-night meetings. Maybe I had believed what I wanted and hadn’t taken the time or energy to notice what any intelligent wife should have known by instinct.

  He slipped on his pajama bottoms and strutted toward the bed. I was disturbed by the thought of another woman holding him. Consoling him. Making love to him. The fact that he was no longer exclusively mine, suddenly made me ill.

  I didn’t know if my pain was a result of him messing around or the fact that he’d gotten away with it for so long without me knowing. I did love David, but the truth is, I really hadn’t liked him as a person for quite some time. Maybe I was only hurt because no human being ever wanted to be replaced under any circumstances. But I was still hurt just the same.

  When I heard the phone ring, I glanced toward my nightstand but didn’t bother answering it. David didn’t look in that direction or at me. Instead, he pulled the covers back and climbed onto the pillow-top mattress we’d made love on barely twenty-four hours before.

  I didn’t say another word to him, because I didn’t see what else there was we should say. Not to mention the fact that I was smothered in a blinding state of shock. I didn’t see why we should argue about someone I didn’t know or someone he wasn’t planning to give up.

  I didn’t see a reason to shed tears or continue throwing a fit.

  I decided I would wait for him to tell me when he was leaving and exactly when I should expect the divorce papers in the mail. I decided that this was the best way to handle everything without going insane, and the best way to prevent myself from doing something unthinkable.

  But who was I kidding? Because there was no way I could continue sharing a bed with a man who had voluntarily betrayed me.

  “You know, David? What I want you to do is get your shit, and get the hell out of this house. Not tomorrow, not next week, but right now.”

  He looked at me like he didn’t recognize who I was. His mouth hung wide open in total astonishment.

  “What do you mean, you want me to get out?”

  “I mean exactly what I said. I want you out.”

  “And you think just because you want me out, I’m actually going to go?”

  “No. Because, actually, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But I think you should know that your life is going to be in terrible danger the very moment you drop off to sleep,” I said, glaring at him with no sign of sanity.

  “You don’t scare me one bit, Anise,” he said, throwing the bedcovers away from his body and stepping onto the carpet. “But just so I don’t have to deal with your ignorance for the rest of the evening, I’m going to spend the night elsewhere.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought. And if you want the rest of your things, I suggest you get them out of here while I’m at work. That way I won’t have to see your sorry ass.”

  “Whatever, Anise.”

  “As a matter of fact, I want them out of here by the end of this week.”

  “Look,” he said. “I’ll get my things out of here on my own terms and not a minute sooner.”

  “Suit yourself,” I said, walking past him and into the bathroom. “But if I were you, I would get them out before something bad happens to them.”

  “Just try it, Anise. You hear me,” he said, coming down the hall toward me. “Because if you try to destroy anything of mine, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  I stared at him in a rage I’d never felt in the past, and before I had time to think, I took both my hands and swept every toiletry from the top of his vanity onto the floor.

  Glass shattered everywhere, and I could tell he wanted to strangle me.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” he yelled. “Have you lost your fuckin’ mind?”

  “No, I haven’t lost anything, but if you don’t get out of my sight, more than this is going to happen.”

  “You know what? I’m not even going to stoop to your level of idiocy, because all this means is that you’re hurt. You’re hurt because I don’t want your black ass anymore,” he said, and then walked away.

  I would never admit it to him, but he was right. His words and adulterous actions had cut me right down to the bone, but I knew I had to be strong in his presence. I knew there would be more than enough time for me to fret when he was gone.

  He threw a few pieces of clothing into a duffel bag, threw on a nylon sweat suit, picked up his briefcase and walked out of the bedroom. I didn’t follow behind him, but soon after, I heard him open the back door and then back out of the driveway.

  I sat down on the edge of the bed in deep thought. I wasn’t sure exactly what to think or how to feel at this very moment, but I knew it was best for David to leave. I knew it was better for us to keep our distance for the time being, and that our marriage was probably over for good. Of course, there were couples who separated and eventually reconciled. But somehow I knew we wouldn’t fall into that category.

  I knew that there was no chance we’d be getting back together.

  It was simply a fact.

  CHAPTER 6

  WOODFIELD MALL was as busy as always for a Friday afternoon. Mom and I had left Mitchell not even an hour ago, but were now driving around the parking lot searching for a place to park. We were willing to walk as far as we had to, but there weren’t any open spaces that would accommodate us. So finally I decided to wait at the beginning of any aisle until someone was ready to leave. We sat for a couple of minutes until a middle-aged woman and two teenage girls entered their car. They pulled out, we pulled in, left the vehicle and headed toward Marshall Field’s lower-level entrance.

  I’d gone to work at 7:00 A.M., but with everything that had happened last night with David, coupled with this constant worry I had about my career, I’d asked Elizabeth if it was okay for me to take a half day of vacation. She’d told me to get my things and go, and I hadn’t hesitated to leave right at eleven. Mom had told me earlier
in the week that she was taking the entire day off, so I called to see if she wanted to drive over to Schaumburg to do some shopping. It wasn’t that I was looking for anything in particular, but I felt this need to go somewhere other than Mitchell. I needed alternate scenery, and I wanted to tell my mom what was going on with my marriage. She knew it was in trouble, but she had no idea that David was in love with someone else, or that we were no longer living together.

  I’d wanted to tell her as soon as she drove to my house and then again while we were traveling on I-90, but I couldn’t. I knew she would understand, because she understood everything else I had ever gone through, but somehow this thing with David, his sleeping with another woman, made me feel like a failure. I felt as though this unidentified woman had better qualities than me if she’d been able to take him so easily.

  But most of all, I didn’t want to tell her that his philandering could be partly blamed on me. I truly had forgotten about our marriage, the family he wanted to have and what was really important to him. He wasn’t the supportive, loving husband he once was, but I feared that I’d helped push him toward being unfaithful, and I regretted it.

  We walked through the first set of double doors and felt the central air sweep across our faces. It was at least ninety degrees outside and the coolness felt refreshing. We continued walking until we arrived in the handbag section and decided this was a good place to browse.

  “This is really cute, isn’t it?” I asked Mom, and then lifted the black-and-tan bag from a group of designer purses on top of the counter. They were priced 40 percent off, which meant these particular styles were likely being discontinued.

  “Actually, it is. Kind of small, though, because you know how much stuff you like to pack in every purse you get,” she said, and we laughed.