A Taste of Reality

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “I want to explain all of this to you.”

  “What is it that you think you need to explain? How many different positions you’ve screwed her in?”

  “Anise, please. Why do you always have to be so boorish?”

  “Boorish?” I laughed, but my tone was sarcastic. “Since when did you start using that as an everyday word?”

  “It’s in the dictionary, isn’t it?”

  “So is antidisestablishmentarianism, but I don’t go around using it when I’m talking to my friends and family members.”

  “Just because you don’t know what it means, don’t—”

  I interrupted him. “It means rude, ill-mannered, impolite, crude, uncouth—do you want me to continue? Hell, you’re not the only person in America who graduated from college with honors. I know you think you are, but the joke is on you.”

  “See, it’s this very type of thing that made me find interest in another woman.”

  “What? You mean because I don’t take any shit from you, and I call you on every ignorant comment you make? Or is it because I don’t act white enough for you?”

  “Maybe if you did, you wouldn’t be crying over a damn job every single year.”

  “Well, if I have to act like someone else to get promoted, then I’m S-O-L, because I’m never going to disown who I am. I’m intelligent, professional and experienced at what I do, so that’s all that should be considered.”

  “Hmmph. But you see none of that has made any difference, now has it?”

  “Look,” I finally said, losing patience. “If there’s something you want to say, then say it. Otherwise I need to get back to work.”

  “Let’s just forget it. Pretend like I didn’t even call.”

  “Fine. I will.”

  I prepared to hang up, but deep down I wanted to know who this new love of his life was. So I asked.

  “David?”

  “What?”

  “Who is she?”

  “Why does it matter to you so much?”

  “Because I think I have a right to know.”

  “What do you want to do, harass her? Because I don’t want her dealing with anything like that.”

  That pissed me off.

  “First of all, neither you nor she is worth the trouble,” I shot back, but it hurt knowing that he was more concerned about her feelings than he was about mine.

  “Her name is Christina, and I met her at one of the golf courses I go to.”

  “Oh really? Well, at least now you have a woman who likes to play the game.”

  “She doesn’t play. She works inside the clubhouse.”

  “So what are you saying?”

  I knew exactly what he meant, but I wanted to hear it from him.

  “I’m saying that she works at the golf course, and it doesn’t matter to me that she doesn’t have a degree like you.”

  “You finally found someone who will do whatever you want when you want her to, didn’t you?”

  “I guess I did, didn’t I?”

  “Did you finally get your white girl, too?” I spoke sternly.

  “As a matter of fact, I did.”

  Even though I half expected it, his words struck me like a flying baseball.

  “I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but I can’t help that I’ve always preferred white women,” he said. “I grew up with white people. I went to school with them, and that’s who I feel the most comfortable with.”

  “Then why did you marry me, David?” I heard myself ask.

  “Partly because I really did fall in love with you, and partly because I knew my colleagues weren’t ready to see me with a white wife six years ago.”

  “So are you saying you used me until you realized you didn’t need me anymore?”

  “I didn’t use you, but the longer we were together, the more I realized we weren’t compatible. Although I was willing to try and make it work if you gave me a baby and stopped being so obsessed with having a career.”

  “How could you make love to me the other night, knowing that you were in love with someone else? I mean, how could you be so cruel?”

  “Because I felt sorry for you, and whether you believe me or not, I really feel bad about all of this. I never meant to hurt you like this, and I never expected to fall in love with someone else while I was still married to you.”

  “I hate you for doing this to me, David,” I said, determined not to shed any tears.

  “I’m really sorry for everything, Anise. You have to believe that.”

  I dropped the receiver on its base without saying good-bye and closed my eyes. Tears rolled down my face. My heart ached terribly, and I wondered why he’d acted as though he wanted our marriage to work. I wondered why he’d used me for sex, or worse, why he’d made love to me out of pity. I couldn’t help thinking about how ironic it was that I’d just been thinking about my idiot cousin, and now David had fallen into that same category.

  I pulled myself together in the ladies’ room, finished a few action items in my office and went down to the company cafeteria. I’d considered going out, but I had far too much work and didn’t need to waste time walking out to the parking lot, driving to a restaurant and then waiting for my meal to be served. Apparently a good number of other employees were on the same wavelength, because the cafeteria was certainly busier than usual.

  One of the servers positioned a plate on top of the counter with a tuna entrée, and I sat it on the blue tray I’d grabbed at the beginning of the line. I moved along and tried to resist reaching for a slice of southern pecan pie, but didn’t see why I should deny myself. I had a lot on my mind and was dealing with enough stress to justify all the calories and fat grams I knew it was saturated with. Which is why I picked it up. I was five nine and still wore a comfortable size ten, so it wasn’t like I was overweight, anyway.

  I filled a glass with Sierra Mist, paid the cashier and located a seat by the long wall of windows. I’d barely had time to open my napkin full of silverware when Frank Colletti, the training director, walked up to the table.

  “You’re not expecting anyone for lunch, are you?” he asked, looking as handsome as ever.

  “No.”

  “Do you mind if I join you?”

  I was hesitant, because Frank always made me feel uncomfortable. It was the type of discomfort a man inflicts upon you when he looks at you the wrong way and you are 100 percent sure he wants to be more than just a friend, coworker or acquaintance.

  But against my better judgment, I said, “Sure, why not.”

  He placed his tray on the table, which contained a sub sandwich and chips, and then took a seat in front of me. I wondered why I hadn’t seen him in line, but now I knew he’d purchased his lunch on the other side of the cafeteria where they sold sandwiches and snacks.

  “So how’s everything going?” he asked, smiling.

  “As well as they can be, I guess.”

  I didn’t know Frank well enough to confide what I was going through. More important, I didn’t know how I was going to tell a white man that my life was being turned upside down because my white superiors were possibly trying to discriminate against me and my husband had left me for a white woman. I just didn’t see how he could possibly understand, and there was a chance he might be offended by what I was thinking.

  “I’m glad to hear it, because you don’t look like everything is going well. But I guess looks can be deceiving,” he said, and took a bite from his sandwich. It was clear that he knew something was bothering me.

  I chewed a forkful of casserole but didn’t comment.

  “I’m not trying to pry, but sometimes it’s better to talk to someone you don’t know all that well than it is to your closest friends.”

  I smiled to myself, because prying was exactly what he was doing.

  “Okay,” he said, raising both his hands in surrender. “I’ll talk about something else, because I can see you don’t want to go there with me.”

  “It’s not t
hat.”

  “What is it then? Because if you’re worried about me repeating anything you say, you don’t have to. I’ll die with whatever you tell me.”

  I couldn’t help but grin at his humor.

  “See, I knew I could raise your spirits. And I wasn’t going to leave here without seeing you smile.”

  I appreciated his empathy, and I couldn’t help but notice how attractive he was. Like a lot of Italian men I knew, he was tall, fine-looking and had stunning black hair, and now that I was looking into his eyes, I had to admit that there was a certain amount of chemistry between us. Which I didn’t want to think about, because there was no way I could date outside of my race or commit adultery. David was doing both, but he and I were not the same. At least I didn’t think we were.

  “So how’s the training department?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Oh, I get it. That’s a hint, right? You’re telling me on the sly that you don’t want to discuss anything that has to do with you.”

  “No, I’m simply asking how your department is coming along.”

  “If you say so,” he said, smiling skeptically. “It’s fine. We’re implementing some new programs and planning to hire two additional trainers in the coming months.”

  “Good for you.”

  “How’s the benefits section? Jim was telling me this morning that you applied for the HR manager’s slot again.”

  I nodded and wondered why Jim thought it necessary to discuss my career decisions with anyone other than Lyle and Elizabeth, my current immediate supervisor.

  “Why was he telling you that?”

  “He was saying that they had three candidates for the position, and that he really wanted to give it to you, but his hands might be tied.”

  “His hands might be tied how?”

  “He said something about Kelli Jacobson having more seniority with the company and in the department than you do.”

  “You know, Frank, I won’t even say what I’m thinking, because I might regret it. But all I know is that they’re going to be sorry if they don’t do the right thing.”

  “Say whatever you feel like saying. I’m all ears,” he said.

  “Why? Did they ask you to see if you could get me to back down like a good little girl?”

  Frank stared at me with no specific expression and kept quiet.

  “Actually, I was joking, but you’re acting like they really did ask you to talk to me.”

  “They did.”

  “They what?!”

  “They wanted me to tell you how wonderful my job is and how I thought you would be perfect for it once I’m promoted. Jim said he had a feeling you were under the impression that he and Lyle were trying to discriminate against you, but that they weren’t. He told me that they wanted you to be in the job they feel you’re best suited for and the one they believe will make you the happiest.”

  I felt my blood roaring. What nerve they had, asking another employee to assist them with their scheming. I didn’t know whether to be angry with Frank or not, but apparently he wasn’t buying into what they were attempting to do, because he wouldn’t have told me about any of this if he was.

  “But, Anise,” he continued, “I want you to know something right now. I don’t agree with any of what they are trying to do to you, and under no circumstances would I do anything to hurt you.”

  I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. My intuition told me that I could trust him, but there was no way I could be sure.

  “Well, since Jim will be expecting you to report back, what are you planning on telling him?” I wanted to know.

  “Whatever you want me to.”

  “Yeah, right,” I said, looking away from him.

  “I’m serious. I’ll tell him whatever you ask me to.”

  “Okay, then tell him I said to go to hell.”

  Frank laughed. “I understand how you feel, but I was thinking of something a little more subtle. Something more along the lines of why you don’t want the training position. Because we don’t want him finding out that I gave you the heads-up on what they’re trying to do.”

  “I know, but I’m just so pissed about this. Jim has been a thorn in my side ever since I told him I was going to apply for that job again. I don’t mean to offend you, Frank, but Jim is one of the most racist white men I have ever worked with. And the only reason he’s going to such great extremes about this is because they’d rather close the company than see a black woman in management.”

  “I agree with you completely. I’ve been here much longer than you, and I’ve seen some pretty crafty stuff happen with a few employees. And don’t ever think you’re offending me about any of this, because they’re the ones who are wrong. Not you.”

  I cut a bite of pecan pie and was raising it to my mouth right when Kelli Jacobson slithered over to our table.

  “Well, well, well,” she said. “Since when did the two of you start having lunch together?” The tone of her voice was sarcastic.

  My first thought was to ignore her, but I realized this was an opportunity to speak with my lovely competitor.

  “Hi, Kelli. So I guess we’re both going for that corporate manager position, huh?”

  “I guess so. And may the best woman win. Good luck,” she said as she walked away.

  She was flippant and acted as though she’d already been told the job was hers, and I didn’t like it.

  “I can’t believe she even applied,” Frank said.

  “She applied because Jim wanted her to.”

  “Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t let that worry me too much until the decision has been made.”

  “That’s easy to say, but there’s no way I can simply forget about how Jim keeps trying to manipulate me. And the worst part of all is that Lyle called me into his office to discuss my interest in the job and almost made it seem like he was behind me. So of course I couldn’t help but think that maybe he was going to convince Jim that I was the best qualified for the job. He seemed so genuine when I left his office.”

  “Really?” Frank said.

  “Yes, so I guess I don’t understand what’s going on with either one of them.”

  “I can imagine, because it does sound like the two of them are giving you mixed signals. And while I don’t have any answers for you, I do want you to know that I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. All you have to do is say the word. We can even do it over dinner sometime if you want.”

  He was making me feel uncomfortable again.

  “No, I don’t think so,” I answered.

  “Why not?”

  “Because even though I’m separated—” I said, and paused. I couldn’t believe I’d let that slip.

  “You’re separated?” he asked.

  I looked away from him and didn’t respond.

  “Anise, I am really sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “Actually, there’s no need to apologize. But I would appreciate it if you don’t mention this to anyone else.”

  “Of course not. I would never do that.”

  “And as far as your dinner invitation, I’m still going to have to pass, because it wouldn’t be right.”

  “Even if our relationship is solely platonic?”

  “Yes, because I’m still married.”

  I would never admit my true feelings to Frank, but with David not caring about our vows one way or the other, I did have this growing desire to pay him back for what he’d done to me. Which was the real reason I knew it was best that I not go to dinner with Frank or any other man I was attracted to.

  “So what you’re saying is that having lunch here at work is fine, but the reason you don’t want to have dinner with me at a restaurant is because I’m white.”

  “No, that’s not it at all,” I lied.

  “C’mon, Anise,” he teased.

  “I’m serious. That’s not it.”

  “Okay, then tell me this: Have you ever been seen in public with any white man in the past?”

 
; “No.”

  “Then that’s what it is.”

  I didn’t know what else to say, but I wished he wouldn’t look at me the way he was right now.

  “I need to get back to work,” I said as an escape.

  But he disregarded what I was saying.

  “If you ever change your mind, the offer still stands. And before you even start thinking it, I want you to know now, that I don’t make it a habit of asking every woman I come in contact with to dinner. Especially women I work with and especially women who are married. And I’m only offering because I realize what you may be up against here at work, and because you may need someone in your corner before long. I know Lorna is a good friend of yours, but it won’t hurt to have a friend like me who knows how Jim and Lyle tend to think.”

  “I really appreciate hearing that,” I told him. Then I gathered my tray and stood up. I was still at a loss for words, but I finally said, “See you later, Frank.”

  “Bye, Anise.”

  I walked over to the conveyor belt, put my tray down and left the cafeteria. A handful of thoughts scattered through my mind, but the one that stood out the most was the one I didn’t want to acknowledge.

  I couldn’t deny the fact that I really was attracted to Frank, and that I’d had to double my determination in a major way in order to decline his dinner offer. I’d wanted so badly to say yes, and I felt guilty about it. I felt guilty because even though my marriage was on the rocks, in God’s eyesight, I still had a husband.

  But even if I had been single, there was still a very serious problem with this picture.

  Frank Colletti was a white man.

  He was the type of man I was beginning to hate, thanks to Jim, the type of man I couldn’t be sure about, thanks to Lyle, and the same race as the woman who’d taken my husband. But as much as I’d rather die than admit it, he was someone I could see myself being with.

  So what was I going to do now?

  CHAPTER 8

  I JUST SPOKE TO Frank,” Jim said to Lyle as he closed Lyle’s office door. “And?” “Anise is still obsessed with this recruiting promotion.”

  “Did he explain why training would be a better area for her?”

  “He says he did, but all she said was that she wasn’t interested in training or any other department.”