A Taste of Reality

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “So how do you?”

  There was no sense pretending I wasn’t as curious as everyone else.

  “My grandparents were very wealthy. My father inherited everything except a separate trust fund they willed to me, but I couldn’t touch it until I graduated from college and grad school. The other stipulation was that I had to be married before the funds could be released.”

  His money was the least of my worries, so I asked, “What happened to your ex-wife?”

  “She was black, I was white, and twelve years ago interracial marriages weren’t so acceptable in Mitchell. And when she realized her family was never going to accept us as man and wife, she left. Didn’t tell me she was gone, didn’t want any money. Just up and left with the clothes on her back and a few things from her closet.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Frank. I had no idea.”

  “No, it’s fine, but I have to admit I loved her more than life itself, and my heart was broken for years because of it.”

  “That’s too bad that her family wouldn’t support her.”

  “You’d think my folks would have been the ones who didn’t want us together, because that’s usually the case. But my parents loved Tracy.”

  “Wow.”

  “But I will say that even though I practically hated her family for ruining our marriage, I do understand why they despise white people so much. Tracy’s grandfather was tied to a tree down in Mississippi and hanged by the Klan for no reason.”

  Frank was starting to depress me, and I wanted him to change the subject. I needed him to discuss something else or I wouldn’t be able to stay here.

  “So she filed for a divorce, I paid for it and I never heard from her again,” he said.

  I felt bad when I saw his eyes watering. “I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I really am.”

  “I didn’t mean to weigh you down with all of this, but I don’t want to keep any secrets from you, and I didn’t want you thinking that I’m the son of some mob king.”

  We laughed. “A lot of thoughts did cross my mind, so I’m glad you explained everything.”

  “Now, on a different note, what’s this about Lorna seeing us together last night?”

  “To tell you the truth, Frank, I don’t know what’s wrong with her. I went into the training room to ask her something, and she was very distant. Then, when I asked her what was wrong, I couldn’t believe what she said.”

  “What?”

  “She asked me when I was going to tell her that I was fucking her boss.”

  Frank frowned. “You’re kidding?”

  “No, she was very straightforward with what she had to say.”

  “And where did she get an idea like that?”

  “I told you earlier. She saw us at that truck stop. But the most interesting part is that she said she was interested in you herself.”

  “Lorna said that?”

  I could tell he was just as surprised as I was.

  “Yes.”

  “Well, that’s something I didn’t know about. Plus, she’s not my type. Not by a long shot.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she’s too needy.”

  “Well, that’s not a nice thing to say.”

  “Hey, I call ’em as I see ’em.”

  “I’m still bothered by the way she was acting, because Lorna and I have always been such good friends. And I don’t know how to handle things between us anymore, because now I don’t feel like I can trust her. I learned a long time ago that you can’t trust anyone who envies you.”

  “This is so unlike her, though,” he said. “I’ve worked with her the whole time I’ve been at the company, and she’s always been a wonderful employee. She’s always on time, she works overtime without being told and she’s good at what she does.”

  “I know. But for some reason she was totally through with me for being with you.”

  “Well, that’s not our worry, and if Lorna can’t deal with what you and I have, then I’m very sorry for her.”

  “That’s easy to say, but what if she becomes so irritated that she tells someone at work about us?”

  “She’d never do that.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “I’m not exactly, but I really doubt that she would do something like that. Maybe she’s upset, but I’m sure it’ll pass.”

  “I’m not as confident as you are, but I hope you’re right.”

  Frank glanced toward the DVD player. “Enough about Lorna. Which movie do you want to see?”

  “Whichever one you want. I’ve seen all three of them and don’t mind seeing any of them again.”

  He picked up Pretty Woman, placed it inside the DVD player and turned off the stereo system. Then he sat on the sofa and motioned for me to sit next to him. I told him to give me a few minutes, and I excused myself and went to the powder room. When I closed the door, I leaned the back of my body against it with my eyes closed. I was so nervous I couldn’t think straight. I’d agreed to come here knowing that one thing could lead to another, but now I wished I’d turned down his invitation. I wanted to be here, and at the same time I didn’t. I was so wishy-washy about the way I felt, but I knew I couldn’t hide in the rest room forever. He was waiting for me to come back out, and it was time for me to push whatever terror I had out of my mind and go face what I knew would happen. I’d told myself that this would be an innocent visit, and then I’d go home. But deep down I’d known better all along. I’d known that I was about to sleep with him, and I felt guilty about it.

  I relieved my bladder, washed my hands and took one last look at a woman who’d never slept with anyone besides her husband since the day she married him. I walked slowly back into the family room, and Frank looked at me like he’d won some sort of prize.

  I sat on the sofa next to him, but closer to the television. I left two feet between us on purpose.

  “Is it too much to ask if I want you to move closer?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  I moved over until I felt my hip rub against his.

  He wrapped his arm around me and caressed my shoulder. A chill spiraled through my body. He caressed my shoulder continuously, and then I felt the warmth of his breath skim the back of my neck. He kissed me gently, over and over again, and I closed my eyes in enjoyment. He turned my face toward his and stared at me with passion. My heart pounded as I gazed back at him. He smoothed his hand across my face and then moved closer and kissed me softly on my lips. He kissed me a little harder. Then it became more passionate. We kissed for a long while, and finally he pulled my feet onto the sofa and stretched out on top of me. He pressed himself against me, and I felt him growing harder with every second. I wanted so desperately to feel him inside me, but I couldn’t bring myself to make the first move. He pulled my sleeveless shirt out of my shorts and pushed it above my breasts. He pushed my bra in the same direction. He kissed my breasts and my stomach. I moaned when he took one of my nipples into his mouth and then the other. I held the top of his head and felt myself getting moist just beneath him. He slid my shorts and panties over my buttocks and down my legs. I closed my eyes when I saw him pulling them over my feet, and I was thankful that I had freshly manicured toes. He removed his shirt. I did the same with my shirt and bra. He pulled a condom from his pocket and asked me with his eyes if he had to use it. I nodded yes, and he slipped off his shorts and underwear. I lay on the sofa, watched him tear open the wrapper and roll the rubber onto his well-endowed penis. I felt my heart flutter again when he kneeled to the floor and spread my legs wide open.

  He rested his head between my thighs and his lips showered me with a level of love I didn’t know existed. My pleasure was building.

  “Frank,” I called out to him. “Oh my goodness. Frank. Please. Oh my. Oh, Frank.”

  He quickened the stroke of his tongue and held the top of my thighs tightly. He stroked me with great intensity. I felt months of denied pleasure preparing to explode. He increased his speed, and
I moved his head with my hand, aiding the process.

  “Oh,” I spoke deeply. “Oh. Oh. Oh . . . Frankkkkk!” I screamed in ecstasy. I continued screaming until the throbbing sensation subsided.

  He stood to his feet and thrust himself inside me. He was so much bigger than David, and I loved every inch of him. I loved the way he felt inside me, and I felt my body heating up all over again. He moved in and out of me. In. Then out. He breathed heavily, and I felt him mushroom wide inside me. He breathed deeper and deeper. He yelled out to his higher power. I felt myself verging on eruption a second time around.

  “Oh, Anise.”

  “Oh, Frank.”

  “Sweetheart.”

  “Baby.”

  “Oh, Anise. I’m coming.”

  “Come on, baby.”

  “Oh . . . oh . . . oh . . . Anise. Ohh myy goodness.”

  His body shook, and my system burst forth with satisfaction. He rested on top of me, and we held each other like our lives depended on it.

  It was a good thing the central air was blasting, because our bodies were somewhat heated. I lay there wondering where Frank had been all my life, because no man had made me feel the way I was feeling currently. We were just getting to know each other, but this wasn’t just sex. Frank had left me feeling so satisfied, I felt like I was betraying my own race.

  He moved his head to the side of me and said, “You don’t know how long I’ve dreamed about making love to you. It’s been almost like a fantasy because somehow I knew you would feel even better than what I ever imagined.”

  “I haven’t felt this way before either, and I’m not sure how to deal with what I’m feeling.”

  “Just enjoy it,” he said. “Just be happy, and don’t think about the life you had before this evening.”

  “You know it’s not that simple.”

  “It can be, if you let it.”

  “You know my situation.”

  “But you won’t have to deal with that for very long. I know I said I wouldn’t pressure you, but, Anise, the truth is, I’m in love with you.”

  “Frank, please don’t say that. We haven’t even known each other for very long,” I said, trying to dismiss what he was saying.

  “I know what I feel and it’s very real. At first I thought it was just an attraction I had for you, but when I watched you across the dinner table last night, I knew. I knew I was really in love with you. And after tonight I don’t want to go another day without having you in my life.”

  “But now I’m feeling like my life is even more complicated than it already was.”

  “You only feel that way because you’re in love with me and don’t want to accept it. We didn’t just have sex a few minutes ago. We made love to each other.”

  I sighed in frustration. I didn’t want to accept what he was saying because I knew he might be telling the truth. I wasn’t sure how this had all evolved and how these intimate feelings I had for him had crept up on me without any warning. I was dealing with so many problems, so I wasn’t sure how I might be falling for someone so quickly.

  “Tell me I’m wrong,” he said. “Tell me that you absolutely don’t love me.”

  I turned my back to his chest and curled into the fetal position.

  “Tell me, Anise. Tell me that I’m just imagining all this, and that you don’t have a feeling in the world for me.”

  I didn’t say anything. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to admit how strong my feelings were for him because I knew our lives would never be the same once I did. There was a fine line between doing what felt good and what was best for everyone involved. I’d acted hastily by accepting his dinner invitation yesterday morning, and then again when I agreed to come to his home this evening. I’d plunged into this situation with my eyes wide open, but I’d purposely ignored all the consequences. I was lonely and vulnerable, and it felt good having someone feel so attracted to me after David had made me feel so undesirable. But I didn’t know how this was all going to play out, and it alarmed me.

  “Anise, please tell me that I’m right about the way you feel.”

  “I do have strong feelings for you, but—”

  “Don’t say that you’re not in love with me, because you are. I can tell by the way you look at me, and I could feel it when we were making love.”

  “We’ve only been together twice, so how could we possibly be in love?”

  “I can’t answer that, but I know we are.”

  “I think I’d better shower,” I said, standing up and grabbing my clothing.

  “Anise, please don’t do this. Don’t deny what we have together.”

  “I can’t deal with this right now, Frank. I’m sorry, but I just can’t, and if you care about me, you’ll let me shower and go home.”

  He rubbed his hands through his hair, front to back, and I could tell he was hurt. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t think of anything else to do except flee this accident we were now equal parties to.

  “You can use the one upstairs in my bedroom. There’re some towels in the closet right in front of it.”

  “I’m sorry, Frank. I know you don’t understand, but this is all too much for me to handle.”

  He gazed at me with sadness. I expected him to say something, but he didn’t. So I turned and went up to the bathroom and took my shower. When I was dressed, I came back downstairs, picked up my purse from the living room and walked into the family room. He’d thrown his clothing back on and was sitting on the sofa watching what was left of Pretty Woman.

  “I’ll walk you outside,” he said, and waited for me to turn and go toward the door. When I did, he followed behind me. I slipped on my sandals, opened the door and walked out. I unlocked my car with the security remote on my key ring, and Frank pulled my door open. I sat down inside and turned the ignition. He shut the door, and I rolled down my window.

  “Frank, I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you fighting against what we have?”

  “Because if we take this any further, it will only mean trouble for both of us.”

  “What kind of trouble? Because if you’re talking about racial trouble, we can deal with that. As long as we love each other, everything else will work out the way it should.”

  “I’m about to go through something major at work, and after speaking with David today, I can tell my divorce is going to get messy. I’ve got too much on my shoulders right now, and I can’t afford to add anything else.”

  “But what about me? I can help you through all of that.”

  “If you support me at work and they find out that you and I are seeing each other, you’ll lose your job.”

  “Take a look around, Anise. Do I look like I care about losing a job? If they fire me, I’ll just go work somewhere else.”

  “My life is too complicated right now, and I don’t want you to get hurt,” I pleaded with him to understand.

  “I’ll be hurt if you push me away.”

  “I’ve gotta go, okay? I’m sorry.”

  He stepped away. I pulled my gear in reverse and looked behind me.

  “Anise?”

  “Yes?”

  “I really do love you. I love you so much it hurts.”

  My heart crumbled into a thousand pieces, and deep down I hated leaving him. But I had to.

  “I’m sorry. I really am,” I said, and backed out of his driveway.

  I left the subdivision in tears. I did love Frank, and I wanted nothing except to be with him. But all odds were against us. I knew it must be love, because I hadn’t thought one time about asking him to help me obtain the evidence I needed at work. One day ago, my intention had been to use my relationship with him as a means to get what I wanted, but now I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. I cared about him too much to take advantage of his love for me.

  Tears streamed down my face, and I blinked, trying to focus on the road in front of me. My vision cleared up enough so that I wasn’t forced to pull ove
r, but I felt an emptiness I hadn’t felt when we were making love. I hadn’t thought about any of my dilemmas, and it felt good being free of them for at least a short while.

  As I drove into my subdivision, I wondered why I’d left Frank standing alone in his driveway.

  I wondered what he was thinking at this very moment.

  I wondered how I was going to make it through the night without him holding me.

  I wondered how I was going to face him on Monday.

  CHAPTER 20

  GETTING DIVORCED, suing Reed Meyers and falling in love with Frank was a tad more drama than I wanted to deal with. I tossed and turned all night, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force Frank out of my mind. I tried to imagine how life would be for both of us if we entered an exclusive relationship. I wanted to believe that love really could conquer all, but I wasn’t so sure in this situation. My family would be fine with whomever I dated, Frank claimed his parents loved his first black wife, but how would the rest of the world handle the love we’d be professing to each other? I wanted to believe we’d be able to ignore the rest of society, but logically, I knew we couldn’t. This was a real problem in a real world, and there was no way of overlooking it.

  I brewed a pot of vanilla coffee from Gloria Jean’s and read the newspaper I’d just brought inside the house. I debated calling Monica, but realized she’d be even more suspicious if too much time passed without us communicating. So I dialed her number.

  “It’s about time you called back,” she said after the second ring.

  “Some people depend way too much on Caller ID,” I said.

  “Don’t change the subject, missy. I called you at work yesterday and then again last night around ten. So where have you been? Are you and David trying to work things out after all?”

  She couldn’t have been more wrong if she tried to be, and I didn’t want to think about what she would say if I told her the truth regarding my whereabouts.

  “No, David and I are over for good.”

  “Well then, where were you?”

  “I was out.”

  “Out where?” she insisted.

  “Just out. I had some errands to run and a couple of other places to go.”