Tales from the Captain's Table

by Keith R. A. DeCandido

  “Why?” I asked.

  “No one should die like a helpless feedbeast bound for the spit, heh. Should we challenge the woman who boards us now, that is your likely fate, heh.”

  “Have you not seen the flag that flies over her mast, Urr’hilf?” shouted one of the other pirates, a scruffy, dark-skinned man. “We are being boarded by Arr’ghenn, the Pirate Queen, heh. Have you not seen her on the deck, eha?”

  I looked again. Standing beside Keru, dressed in pirate finery that could only be described as regal—in an outlaw sort of way—stood my turquoise-skinned bride. A handful of other pirates stood nearby, cutlasses and pistols at the ready, resembling a potentate’s honor guard more than a band of merry cutthroats.

  Thank God somebody, probably Keru, I thought, seems to be on top of the local pirate legends.

  Now Klag threw his head back and laughed. “Your Betazoid mate,” Klag said. “A pirate chieftainess?”

  “That’s right. Would I lie to you?”

  Klag shrugged. “While telling a story, Riker, I would be disappointed if you didn’t. Continue.”

  As the Enterprise moved in alongside Captain Torr’ghaff’s ship, I was glad to see that the Calypso II’s newly installed holoemitters were working flawlessly. Torr’ghaff’s men edged toward the banisters, cutlasses and other weapons at the ready, but I was heartened to see that Deanna and her crew were standing fast, with none of their own weaponry brandished.

  That didn’t make Keru and the others any less imposing, however. Keru was stripped to the waist and looking every bit as hirsute and tall as Torr’ghaff, though he was considerably more muscular. He stood in front of Deanna, and as they neared, shouted over to the pirate ship.

  “The Queen of the Nine Seas, Arr’ghenn, greets you and wishes to declare amicry for the evening.”

  For some reason, my universal translator failed to tell me what “amicry” was, so I asked the pirate next to me.

  “It’s a truce, neh,” the grizzled old man hissed through rotten greenish teeth. “What, you just fall out of the sky, eh?”

  “She only has a small crew,” another pirate said to Torr’ghaff under his breath. “We can take her ship and her crew before night falls, heh.”

  Torr’ghaff seemed to consider his options for the moment, then turned to the man who had just advised him. “We don’t strike now, Tarrniq, heh. Not until we know what armaments or crew she has in the hold of her strange ship.”

  I stepped forward. “Smart thinking, Captain. I’ve heard many a tale about the might of Arr’ghenn, the Pirate Queen. Her legend could not have grown so large if she were not a tremendous force to be reckoned with.”

  Torr’ghaff turned toward me, and I wondered if my comment was too impertinent. “She is a woman, Urr’hilf, and thus always a force, heh. But I have conquered many forces in my life, though few as succulent as she, heh heh.” He leered toward her, and I had to restrain myself from grabbing him by the throat. The presence of so many weapon-wielding brigands encouraged me not to lose my cool.

  After a few minutes of negotiations, yelled across the narrow stretch of water that now separated the two ships, Deanna, Keru, and a trio of other Pelagian-disguised Starfleet officers—I recognized Chief Tongetti and Lieutenants Narin and Cruzen, in spite of their temporary cosmetic alterations—came aboard Torr’ghaff’s vessel. Now that we seemed to be in no immediate mortal danger, I found myself being re-tied by my captors. Green Teeth assured me it was necessary, “for my own safety.”

  “And who is your captive?” Deanna asked imperiously as she strode across the deck toward us.

  Torr’ghaff seemed surprised by her question. “You do not recognize Fegrr’ep Urr’hilf, neh?” His eyes narrowed dangerously. “He is only the greatest klap’pa musician on all of Pelagia! How can you not know him, heh?””

  “Oh, him,” Deanna said, her voice dripping with disdain as she looked at me. “We don’t allow his music on my ship. It upsets my stomach.”

  This seemed to mollify Torr’ghaff somewhat. “Then we shall not have him play tonight at dinner, neh. You will join us, heh?”

  Deanna was about to respond to his sleazily suggestive invitation when the crewman stationed up in the crow’s nest called out yet again.

  “Ship ahoy, twenty mowhp s !”

  “I assume this other ship was sent by the local authorities, alerted by your wife?” This time the interruption came from a Rigelian captain, who had scooted his barstool closer to where Riker, Picard, and Klag sat at the bar.

  Riker sighed, and took another quaff from his tankard. “No, it was a merchant vessel.”

  The Rigelian frowned. “So, if they weren’t calling for the authorities, then why this elaborate charade if they weren’t going to at least try to rescue you?”

  “I suspect it all leads back to the technological restrictions,” Picard said dryly.

  Riker pointed at his ex-CO. “Exactly. My shipmates had to figure out how to rescue me more covertly, without violating the restrictions, and without calling undue attention to the Enterprise. After all, even with all the holoemitters Keru had stuck on her hull, the Calypso II’s disguise still wasn’t perfect. She looked like a wooden sailing ship from ancient Earth, which meant that she didn’t look quite the same as a vessel built on Pelagia. Once they saw me in the custody of the pirates, they must have figured out that getting me free without a fight would take some finessing.”

  “ ‘Without a fight’?” Klag slammed down another warnog. “How disappointing.”

  “I’m getting to that,” Riker said.

  One of Torr’ghaff’s men looked through a spyglass, then turned back to us with an excited grin. “It’s a neropses carrier, Captain, heh! From how low she’s riding in the water, I’d say her holds are full, heh!”

  Playing her role of Arr’ghenn to the hilt, Deanna snatched a spyglass from another of Torr’ghaff’s men. She studied the horizon for a moment, then passed the tube to Keru.

  “Neropses? Are you that desperate for booty that not only would you kidnap a puerile musician, but also plunder a ship full of grain?” She put her hands on her hips, and I could tell she was relishing her part.

  Torr’ghaff seemed to grind his teeth for a moment. He looked back toward some of his men before replying. I suspected that he truly didn’t want to appear desperate in front of such an august outlaw personage as Arr’ghenn. “Of course not, Arr’ghenn, heh. We needn’t worry about such ships when we have riches of our own piled high, heh.” He gestured toward me. “As for this one, it happens that not only is his safe return worth a tidy sum, but his talent is also appreciated by my crew, heh, as well as by other freebooters far and wide.”

  Deanna flashed a smile. “As long as he doesn’t perform during dinner, I don’t care. While I think it might be amusing to dine with him, if he sings so much as a note, I’ll cut his tongue out for dessert.”

  I didn’t realize it at the time, but Deanna had just made a mistake in her role-playing by mentioning me singing. Torr’ghaff and his men already appeared to be suspicious about Arr’ghenn and her crew aboard the Enterprise, but her complete lack of knowledge about me—or Fegrr’ep Urr’hilf, to be more precise—clearly sent up a warning flag for the pirate captain.

  Nevertheless, a few hours later, Arr’ghenn and her “adjutant” Keru had joined Torr’ghaff for a meal aboard his ship. Along with several of Torr’ghaff’s crew, we ate in a garishly appointed stateroom, seated around a wooden table that might once have been exquisite, but which now had so many nicks, scratches, and knife carvings in its surface that it was as rough as a cobblestone street.

  Thankfully, I’ve eaten my share of both Earth seafood and Klingon fare, as have Deanna and Keru, so the “delicacies” placed on our plates didn’t churn our stomachs—at least not too much. The captain’s boy also served us a pungent but apparently de rigueur Pelagian liquor that it seemed unwise to try to refuse, however politely. For a time, the evening was almost enjoyable. Deanna managed to deflec
t questions about Arr’ghenn’s exploits in favor of questioning Torr’ghaff about his own past glories. When pressed to speak about herself, she demurred to Keru. I assume that in the time since they’d first encountered Torr’ghaff, Keru had been researching the legend of the reputed pirate queen whom Deanna was impersonating.

  I stayed mostly silent, aware that I knew so little about the music or life of Fegrr’ep Urr’hilf that anything I said could reveal that I was not who they thought I was. I also kept my glances at Deanna and Keru to a minimum, lest any of the pirates recognize that I already knew them both.

  Unfortunately, the Pelagian liquor seemed to be having a much stronger effect on Deanna than on anyone else. The tipsier she got, the more friendly she became.

  And that, apparently, was the weakness that Torr’ghaff was looking to exploit.

  “So, you are uncharacteristically modest for a woman who commands so much fear, Arr’ghenn, heh,” he said, leering again. “You allow me to prattle on about my triumphs, and yet, heh, you let your adjutant speak for you when you are asked to boast about your own.”

  Deanna grinned sloppily. “Better to allow the legends to arise on their own, I always say.” She put one hand on Keru’s shoulder, and rubbed the other over his upper chest. “Besides, Keru always makes my exploits sound so much better. And what’s the use of having a big strapping adjutant if he can’t regale you with your own tales of terror and treachery from time to time?”

  “Your mate laid hands on another man in front of you and you did nothing?” Klag asked, his voice registering astonishment. He took another swig from his tankard.

  Riker smiled. “I’m not concerned about my wife, nor about any attention she may have paid Commander Keru during their deception. The roles they were playing there had little to do with reality.”

  Klag wiped foam off his upper lip. “Can you be so certain?”

  Riker looked over at Picard and grinned. Klag’s question had brought a smile to the Enterprise captain’s lips as well, and Riker was glad to have received a respite from Picard’s earlier disapproving gaze.

  “Captain Klag, I believe that Commander Keru would be likelier to accept a romantic overture from you than from my wife,” Riker said. “Though you might be the one whose clavicle gets broken during that particular liaison.”

  Klag raised an eyebrow, but didn’t reply.

  Riker continued.

  “So, legend or not, I’d like to know what really happened to the Treasure of Pamplin Rock, heh,” Torr’ghaff said, leaning over his plate.

  I saw Deanna and Keru exchange a glance, and knew in that moment that something had gone very wrong.

  “The treasure is as safe as all our other booty,” Keru said. I could see the tension in his posture.

  “No matter what truce we call tonight, nor what liquor you pour us, you can’t expect me to reveal all my secrets,” Deanna said, leaning forward a little shakily. She plunked her hand on the table, as if to emphasize her point. “After all, we’re still pirates.”

  Torr’ghaff clamped his gnarled turquoise hand down on top of my wife’s hand, and leaned in closer, an angry expression on his face. “Whoever you are, you’re not Arr’ghenn, neh. The Treasure of Pamplin Rock was captured by Green Beard Grooo’lk not three quells ago, heh.”

  Deanna seemed to sober up quickly as she yanked her hand quickly away. “My mistake. I thought you were talking about the earlier treasure. The one they never reported as missing.”

  In an instant, the others in the room had stood and drawn their cutlasses and daggers. Torr’ghaff stood as well. “Your mistake was in thinking we would be fooled, neh. Now you and your strange ship will be ours, heh.”

  As Keru stood, he grabbed the edge of the heavy wooden table and upended it away from him. The food, drink, and dinnerware scattered, even as three of the pirates jumped back to avoid being pinned beneath the table itself. Keru and Deanna had their own weapons in hand before the table had even hit the floor.

  Since my hands had been tied in front of me to allow me to eat, I quickly wrapped my arms and bonds around the throat of the pirate nearest to me, choking him from behind. He stabbed backward with his blade, but I sidestepped his clumsy slash and managed to fling him toward one of his crewmates. Unfortunately, that man was already swinging his cutlass, and the pirate I had thrown was directly in the sharp blade’s path.

  The blade nearly decapitated my opponent, and he went down with a spray of purplish blood. I whirled just as another pirate took a swing at me and blocked the blow with my forearms. I straight-legged him with a quick V’Shan kick I’d learned from Lieutenant Taurik, and the pirate went sprawling backward.

  I barely had time to see that Deanna and Keru were holding their own against their foes as I dived for my attacker’s fumbled weapon before he could recover it. Unfortunately, both of us slipped on the pool of blood from his nearly headless crewmate, and slid into each other.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Deanna sparring with Torr’ghaff, their blades sparking against each other. I could hear Keru and several others fighting behind me, near the stateroom’s doors, but since my attention was focused on my own immediate survival, I couldn’t see how he was doing.

  Though I managed to grab the cutlass, my footing was unsteady on the slippery deck. My opponent, now divested of any weapon save his wits, swept his leg out, tripping me backward. I crashed to the deck, dazed, and the cutlass went flying.

  A moment or two later, I recovered, but my opponent was on me with fists swinging. I took several blows, but managed to twist to the side, bringing him down to the deck with one good, hard punch. As he howled in pain, I extricated myself and bolted for any weapon I could find.

  Just as I grabbed a metal fireplace poker and turned, brandishing it, I saw Keru throw one of the pirates through the doors of the stateroom. But that moment of triumph went sour when I saw that Torr’ghaff had disarmed Deanna and even now had a blade pressed against her throat. A line of conspicuously red blood already trickled down her neck.

  “Drop your weapon or I take the head of your false queen as a trophy, heh!” Torr’ghaff growled. “And then I will dice her body for chum, heh!”

  “Get back to the ship!” Deanna yelled.

  Two pirates menaced me with their cutlasses, and I realized that I, too, was backed into a corner. From where I was standing, I couldn’t even reach the window to dive into the sea. Not that I would have, with Deanna in so much danger.

  Keru looked to Deanna and myself, and I knew he was calculating whether the chances would be better if he tried to help us here and now, or if he should back off and try to rescue us again later. But he lost whatever moment of initiative he might have had when a roaring pirate charged at him from behind. Keru flipped his sword around and crouched, impaling his attacker and using the thrust, and the man’s forward momentum, to flip his body up over his head and into two of the other pirates.

  “You have made a grave enemy, Torr’ghaff!” Keru shouted as he retreated. I was amazed that he still had the presence of mind to continue talking in genuine-sounding pirate-speak.

  “After him!” Torr’ghaff commanded the few of his men in the room who were left standing.

  The man named Tarrniq, who was apparently Torr’ghaff’s second-in-command, hesitated instead of rushing after Keru. He pointed toward Deanna’s neck. “Captain, Arr’ghenn’s blood is…red!”

  My heart sank even further. Now they knew that she was an alien of some sort. Or, at the very least, they had absolutely confirmed that she wasn’t who she’d claimed to be. I didn’t have long to consider this, though; they soon hustled both me and Deanna out of the stateroom, both of us bound tightly in rope, with several sword-wielding guards paying very close attention to us.

  The main deck was a cacophony of war whoops as pirates brandished their weapons and scurried to the ship’s starboard side. Some were grabbing ropes from the rigging and untying them.

  I saw that Keru had used one of those ropes
himself to swing over to the deck of the Enterprise, and members of Torr’ghaff’s crew were now doing likewise. Thanks to several burning torches mounted on the ship’s railings, I could see that the brigands were engaging in a fierce blade-to-blade melee against the small group of Starfleet officers disguised as Arr’ghenn’s crew. I was pleased to note that my people were holding their own, at least so far.

  I also noticed that they were undertaking a peculiar strategy. The Starfleet contingent seemed to be gathering toward the center of the ship, disappearing one by one into the hold below. Swinging a huge pole around him in a wide arc to discourage his pursuers, Keru was the last to go down, and as he leapt into the darkness belowdecks, no one could have expected what was to happen next.

  The Enterprise shimmered for a moment, then became immaterial. Even as the holoemitters were turned off, the pirates suddenly found that they had nothing to stand on. Then they plunged downward, slipping along the sleek sides of the Calypso II and splashing into the warm, briny deeps of the Opal Sea.

  “Keru revealed the ship to be of Starfleet design?” This time the interruption came from Picard, his look decidedly pinched.

  “Only for a few seconds,” Riker said, putting up his hands as a placating gesture. He wondered momentarily if he had made a mistake in deciding to tell this story, but it was too late to stop now. In for a penny, in for a pound, he thought, then continued.

  The moment that the pirates had fallen off the sides of the Calypso II, Keru reactivated the holoemitters and the visual form of the wooden, three-masted Enterprise reappeared.

  I looked over to Torr’ghaff and saw a mixture of shock and anger displayed across his craggy features. Though he was at a loss for words initially, his loud, commanding voice quickly returned to him.

  “Man the cannons, heh! Open fire on that ship!”

  The men nearest to him quickly scrambled to get belowdecks, where the artillery was evidently kept, while others busied themselves trying to rescue their fellows who had been dumped into the water.