Love Wasted

by Shirl Rickman

  “Dude! Where have you been?” Matt shouts, slapping me on the shoulder. “Time for the first shots of the new year.”

  “Tequila,” I tell him. Tequila seems like an excellent way to forget about the first five minutes of this year. “My treat.”

  “Hell yeah, man!” Matt grins, pulling the petite blonde he has in his arms closer, taking her mouth with his with an unbridled passion only someone intoxicated would display in a crowd. I turn away and signal the bartender.

  “Five shots of tequila and a Jameson on the rocks,” I yell so the brutish-looking bartender can hear me. He nods then begins filling the order. Turning, I lean against the bar and face the crowd. Matt is still mauling the blonde, and her friends are standing in a huddle laughing.

  When the bartender lines our drinks up on the bar, I pay him then begin passing them out. The brunette who was hanging on my every word earlier brushes her fingertips against my hand and smiles. I smile back and clink my glass against hers. “To the new year and new friends,” I bellow out, throwing the shot back then chasing it with a long swig of my whiskey. My throat burns, and I’ll take that over the burning in my chest any day. I don’t care what I drink as long as it takes away this pain I’m feeling.

  Suddenly, I feel the warmth of someone pressing against me. When I turn, the brunette, whose name is Mandy—I think—is looking up at me with glassy eyes. My mind is a bit hazy too, trying to erase the memory of another girl. “So, I didn’t get my New Year’s kiss,” she slurs slightly, giving me a dazzling smile.

  “Oh yeah?” I respond, not caring what happens next.

  “Yeah, and it doesn’t appear you had yours either, or you wouldn’t be standing here now. You’d be with the lucky girl who had the good fortune to be standing next to you at midnight.” She steps closer, pressing her small, pert breasts firmly against my chest, sliding her hands up my chest and around my neck.

  Throwing the last of the whiskey down my throat, I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer. I bend my head lower, toward her waiting mouth. My mind registers the fact that I don’t need to bend to kiss Cassandra; she’s the perfect height for me. I only have to move a little for our lips to connect. Amanda is different…or is it Mandy? Same thing, right? Her eyes are barely open, and mine are beginning to feel heavy.

  “Well, I guess we better remedy our situation. We wouldn’t want to be the only two people tonight without a New Year’s kiss, now would we?” I don’t wait for an answer, just touch my mouth to hers. She begins prodding my mouth open with her tongue and it feels wrong, but I block the thought from my mind and deepen the kiss, giving this girl what she wants. I shut off my brain, suppressing all thoughts and embracing the lust shooting down my spine. Lust—I know it, and I accept it. It’s a familiar feeling and frankly, the only one I’m truly capable of. Lust is safe.

  The kiss goes on and on. Soon our hands are involved and getting a little carried away for such a public setting, but I tell myself not to care. This is me. I don’t even think about coming up for air until my mind faintly registers Matt’s voice shouting the one name I’m trying to forget. “Cass the Sass! Where did you go? You missed Old Pax here buying our first round of shots in the new year! I think we need more!”

  Slowly, I break up my make out session with…Monica? Lifting my head languidly, I focus my attention in the direction Matt is staring, pulling the brunette close to my side, casually leaving one arm around her shoulder.

  Cassandra is standing stock-still, staring directly at me. Richard is at her side, accepting a shot from Matt.

  I can see the hurt in her eyes, and there’s also confusion and determination. She doesn’t want to play this game either. The tiniest of sardonic smiles forms on her oval face, and I give her my own devil-may-care look.

  Shaking her head, Cassandra faces Richard and Matt, accepting the tequila shot they are offering. She doesn’t even wait for the group, just tosses it back and sucks the lime wedge they gave her with it. She slams it on the bar and signals the bartender for another.

  Matt slams his back and high-fives her.

  Richard wraps his arms around her middle, pulling her back against him and kissing her neck. My grip on this girl whose name I don’t even know tightens and I watch as they all accept another shot from the bartender. Cassandra’s tongue darts out, and everything in me tightens. Fuck. I need to leave.

  “Sorry, Mmm…” I begin.

  “Macy,” she provides, a little saucily.

  “Yeah, Macy, I’m going to call it a night. Uh, thanks…for the kiss and …thanks.” I lean down and place a peck on her cheek—I don’t want to be a complete dick. I can see the disappointment in her eyes, and even more when she glances in Cassandra’s direction.

  Clapping my hand on Matt’s shoulder, I holler, “Dude, I’m outta here. Be safe and call for a ride.”

  “Nah, dude, you can’t leave.” He sounds disappointed.

  My gaze lifts to find Cassandra watching me. “I’m done, done with tonight and done with this whole thing.” My statement seems so simple, but it holds a lot of meaning. I mean it—I need to let go of whatever it is I’m feeling. Feelings are dangerous.

  Reaching my hand out, I take Richard’s hand. “Dick, good to see you again.” He glares at me as I shake his hand. He has made it clear he doesn’t like being called Dick, which has only prompted me to use the nickname more. I give him a knowing smile.

  Leaning forward toward Cassandra, I make the second biggest mistake of the night: I place a soft, slightly lingering kiss on her forehead. It may have been brief and completely platonic, but the weight of it feels heavy. “Cass, see you in the morning at home.” The look in her eyes gives nothing away.

  I smile. She smiles. “Thanks, Pax. Happy New Year.” We say more with our eyes—more lies.

  It’s all lies, but it’s a deception I’m willing to embrace if it means I remain in control of myself.

  Present

  There’s a ringing in my head. It won’t quit, and it feels like it’s getting more persistent, louder. My head is throbbing. So much pain—oh my god, do I have a tumor? It’s so dark. After a moment, the ringing stops. I try opening one eye, and the light streaming in through the blinds is like a lightning bolt to my head.

  “Ahh,” I moan. The ringing starts up again, and I realize it’s my phone. Champagne is the devil. Reaching out toward the side table, I keep my eyes closed for fear I will be blinded by the sunlight coming into the room. What the fuck, San Francisco? The one day you decide to let the sun shine without the cover of fog has to be the day I wake up in an ultimate vampire state?

  Without looking, I tap the screen just to make it stop ringing. “Hello,” I groan. My mouth feels like someone shoved a million cotton balls into it.

  “Hey Cass, Happy New Year!” Laney shouts, her words vibrating through my skull.

  “Ssssshhhhh. Don’t shout,” I beg. “I think it’s just nifty you’ve decided to stop ignoring me after a week on the one day my head feels like I was kicked between the eyes.”

  She giggles. “I wasn’t ignoring you…well, maybe initially, but then work has just been nuts and with the time difference, it’s made it too hard—not to mention, I was hoping if we didn’t speak, my spiritual essence would disappear and your voodoo doll wouldn’t work.”

  “Should I pull it out and see how it’s working now?” I suggest without a hint of humor.

  She laughs louder, causing me to hold my head. I hate New Year’s Eve.

  “I’m calling now, and that’s all that matters. What stupid thing did you do or are you about to do?”

  “Nothing,” I state so quickly, even I can’t deny I sound like a liar.

  “Okay, you’re the worst liar in the world, and you definitely can’t lie to me—I know you too well,” she informs me. “So what’s up? Am I too late?” Her voice is only slightly serious. I can hear a bit of concern, although it’s not Laney’s thing to get too emotional.

  Sighing, I whisper, “Yes an
d no—and yes.”

  “Cass…”

  Interrupting, I sigh again. “Look, Laney, you know I’ve been all over the place with Richard.” I start with that because my real problem will take a bit more guts to admit.

  “Really? That’s it, Richard again?” she remarks with an air of disappointment to her voice.

  “Let me finish,” I insist, trying to work up the nerve to continue. “It’s not just Richard. Richard and I are definitely still in that weird limbo, not together, not completely apart—you know, our standard.” Pushing myself up slowly, I lean back against the pillows, my eyes finally adjusting to the light. “I didn’t tell him Pax is staying here.”

  “And?” Laney isn’t grasping the picture, but why would she? I’ve never let her know the Paxton part of me, and that’s the dangerous part—there is a Paxton part of me.

  I continue, not directly addressing her question. “He was pissed at first, but then he did his normal thing because, let’s face it, he doesn’t really care.”

  “Cass, what’s the stupid part? Last night you said you were going to do something stupid and it would be my fault. So, what is it? Is it the fact that you stay in this mess of a non-relationship?” She doesn’t sound annoyed, just her usual Laney style of matter-of-fact.

  “The stupid part is Paxton,” I say, almost in a whisper, because if I say it out loud, it makes it mean something.

  “Paxton?” Laney questions, and then a small gasp sounds through the phone. “Did something happen between you two?”

  “No! I mean, not really. Oh Jesus, Laney, it isn’t really like that, but it’s just something…like a storm brewing. It’s always… Shit, forget it.” I close my eyes. “It doesn’t matter because it’s Pax and he’ll never change. Things will never change between us.”

  There’s a short silence, like we’re letting my words settle, allowing ourselves to accept them and move on.

  “Okay.” Her voice sounds strange, like she’s resigned to the fact that she missed some crucial part of this conversation but understands she’s never going to get it again. “Well, my only advice for what I actually know about, which is this thing between you and Richard, is to figure it out and do it quickly. It’s time, and it’s destroying you. You make things too easy for him, and it’s about time you start caring enough to put yourself first, for you to choose you and figure your shit out with him, for you and no one else. No matter who…” She trails off, either because she can’t or doesn’t want to finish her statement.

  “You’re right.” I sigh. “It’s going to take time. Richard and I need to talk; I owe him that much—I owe myself that much.”

  I can practically hear her rolling her eyes through the phone. “Whatever you say. Just do something, Cass, anything, as long as it’s something. I’d prefer it be something different, but know I’m your best friend first and always, no matter what, no matter who—”

  “I know. It’s the one thing I’ve never had to question. Thanks for that Laney. I love you.”

  “I love you too. Try not to be stupid without me,” she jokes, unable to be serious for too long.

  “Bye,” I say, then add, “Happy New Year, and don’t think I don’t plan on getting you back for this whole living situation you put me into with Paxton.”

  “Happy New Year! I love you, like whoa! Always will!” Click. She hangs up without another word. Shaking my head, I laugh out loud at her. I can never stay annoyed with her for long, and as for the Richard thing, I know she’s right.

  I lie back again, staring up at the ceiling.

  Richard didn’t stay last night. It’s been more than a month since I’ve let him do more than kiss me. Last night, he finally brought it up, and we argued—again—then he left, saying he didn’t understand but would respect my wishes. I convinced him I wasn’t feeling well and had had too much champagne, and I almost convinced myself of the same thing. I haven’t truly acknowledged that it’s been since the moment I looked up from my birthday candles into the eyes of a ghost from my past.

  Now that ghost is sleeping in a room across this small apartment from mine.

  I need to talk to Paxton, set some boundaries, because my heart is beginning to forget that we don’t want to let Paxton Luke in; it’s the key to our survival. I also need to figure out what he was thinking last night.

  Throwing the covers back, I slowly move off the bed, my head spinning a little. Damn the bubbly…or maybe it was the tequila. Both are so good going down, but so brutal the next day. Walking into the bathroom, I open a drawer, pull out some pain reliever, and then switch on the water. I cup my hand, place the pill on my tongue, and drink a bit of water to help it slide down and start working its magic.

  Surprisingly, I get dressed fairly quickly and decide coffee is necessary to continue life.

  Walking out into the living room, I find Paxton looking out the window, phone to his ear. I stand, watching him. He hasn’t seen me yet because his back is to me. He doesn’t have a shirt on, and I can see every edge of muscle across his torso and over his shoulders. His jeans are hanging low on his hips and he looks relaxed. He’s beautiful in the morning light.

  Suddenly, as if he can sense someone watching him, he swivels around.

  Our eyes meet, a small moment passes between us, and then a shadow falls over his gaze—one that’s impenetrable, one I don’t think I’ve ever seen—but he smiles anyway. I don’t like it because it’s forced. I recognize it because I’ve used the same smile against him in the past.

  He points at the phone, waves, and then turns back around.

  I watch him a moment longer than head into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee.

  When I walk back into the living room, Paxton isn’t anywhere to be seen, and his door is closed.

  I need to talk to him, so I take a seat on the couch, facing his door, and wait. I finish two cups of coffee and still no Paxton. I know he’s still here because I can hear him moving around his room. Resigning myself to the fact that he’s not coming back out any time soon, I go get ready to meet a couple of my girlfriends for an early dinner.

  Hoping he would’ve made a reappearance by now, I look around the apartment for any sign of Paxton; he must have snuck out while I was in my room.

  I leave with an uneasy feeling. Something has shifted between us again, and it’s a shift we may not be able to come back from this time.

  Present

  When I wake up with a slight headache from last night’s shots, I can only think about one thing—Cass—and that’s unacceptable. I won’t be a fool. She’s with Richard—hell, he’s probably curled up beside her as I lie here. The thought causes a shooting pain through my skull, so I pull myself up and start my day.

  My mom calls, and from what I can tell, there are no signs of Cass or her friend, no sounds coming from the living room, so I decide to venture out of my room.

  I move around the apartment, listening to Mom tell me about the party the Fredricks had last night and how Dad and Mr. Porter had a few too many glasses of wine. Stopping in front of the window, I think about my own overindulgence and how I made a mistake with Cass. Sure, I’ve teased her with a kiss before, but this time was different. She knew it, I knew it, and neither of us can take back what almost transpired.

  Now, all I can do is try to figure out a way to move forward, get past it, and still live with her. I will just need to start looking a little harder for my own place.

  When I turn around to find Cass silently watching me, I freeze. My god, she is so beautiful. There is an awkwardness between us now. I wonder what she’s thinking, but I’m not ready to ask, not ready for that conversation to happen because I need to think. I need time to think. I can tell she wants to press the subject, wants to talk now, and more than anything, I can see the hope in her eyes for everything to just be normal between us—our new normal. I just don’t know if I can give that to her, so I point to the phone, smile, and turn back around as casually as I can.

  I still feel
her watching me and almost as soon as she goes into the kitchen, I go hide in my room, pretending I’m not hiding at all and pretending I’m not a coward.

  Currently, I’m trying to keep myself busy doing completely trivial things to pass the time. I know Cass, and she’s waiting for me. She decided we need to talk—I saw it in her eyes—but I’m not ready.

  Pulling me from my thoughts, my phone begins vibrating on the bed next to me.

  Without thinking to look at it first, I tap the talk button. “Hello,” I answer, my thoughts still on this situation with Cass.

  The voice on the phone is not exactly the ideal person for me to be talking to if I want to try to get my mind off the person I’m living with.

  “Hello big brother.” She sounds like she’s up to something, and I don’t like it because it means I’m most likely going to end up with a bigger headache than I already have at the moment. “Happy New Year.”

  “Hey, Laney.” I greet her with the hope we can divert the conversation from whatever direction she hopes this is going to take. “Happy New Year. How was your night?”

  “I worked.” There is a bit of edge to her voice. “And yours?” she asks, quickly changing the subject.

  Thinking about my night, I decide to keep my answer as simple as possible because this is Laney—she notices all, and she pounces like a lion hunting its prey until you’re completely incapacitated and under her control.

  “It was good, low key—went out with Matt to a bar nearby,” I answer, hoping my answer will satisfy her. It doesn’t.

  “Hmmm, well that seems incredibly boring and uneventful, yet I got the impression from Cass that I missed something big.” Her voice remains calm, but there are implications hidden behind every word. I need to think about who I’m talking to before I respond.