Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

But finding out now, after relying solely on past feelings as a reminder that I had indeed experienced something real… it all seemed like some universal joke. This just proved that no good ever came from following my heart.

  It was too painful to believe, but I had to. It finally all made sense. The reason why he spent so long trying to get me to sleep with him. The reason why he was never overt with our public affection, yet made up lies and bragged about me to the seniors. He was hoping it’d get back to Ricky.

  I looked up at him with utter disdain. My eyes burned, but I refused to cry. Fuck if I wasted another tear on this heartless bastard.

  “How could you do that?” I whispered, not trusting my voice.

  “Oh don’t act like you’re innocent in this,” he rolled his eyes. “Everybody else bought your ‘good girl’ routine, but I knew better. You were shacking up with Storm the whole time.”

  “I was your friend, Nathan.” That’s what I didn’t understand. Who treated their friends like that? Used them then tossed them aside like unwanted objects? It wasn’t like I’d been some bimbo he didn’t know. We’d been tight since junior effing high. And he threw it all way, broke my heart, and ripped our clique to shreds, all for his own selfish motives.

  He shifted his weight, clearly uncomfortable by my emotional reaction. He was never good at dealing with girls’ emotions, and heaven help him, the floodgates were barely restrained.

  “Aw, come on,” he removed his hat and ran a hand through his shaggy hair, giving me that lopsided smile I used to fall for. What a fool I had been. “We were just kids. And you never actually slept with me.” He grumbled the last part, but looked up with hope in his eyes, as if that were enough to placate me.

  Not even close. Instead, I slapped him across the face.

  “Ow!” he growled, rubbing the pink handprint on his cheek and glaring up at me. “What the hell was that for?”

  “Will you take something seriously, for once in your life!” I shouted.

  “What is it that you want me to take seriously, exactly?” His hands spread out in dramatic appeal. “You were Ricky Storm’s fuck buddy. So we hooked up a few times. That was years ago. I don’t see any reason to alert Dr. Drew.”

  “You used me.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Like you didn’t do the same thing with Miles.”

  My jaw dropped. “I didn’t use Miles. I—”

  “You what? Loved him?” He scoffed. “Then why were you still shoving it in my face? Why were you still sleeping with Ricky?”

  I was so fed up with being accused of sleeping with Ricky, I was right about to do it just so I could stop having to defend myself. “I’m a virgin, Nathan,” I spat, not even bothering with past tense. “That was common knowledge among our friends.” Rumors and presumptions be damned, I had never slept with anybody. Not Ricky, not Nathan, not anyone, not ever. Thank goodness. And damn him for referring to our nine-month tryst as “hooking up a few times.”

  He scoffed again. “You expect me to believe that shit when I’ve seen your fucking car parked in front of his house, more than once, all fucking night! I even watched you climb in through his window, for fuck’s sake!”

  “Why didn’t you just ask me then?” I pleaded. I would have told him the truth. I would have told him everything, if only he asked. Maybe, if he had fully been there for me, I would have crawled into his window when I needed to escape the fighting.

  “Because I didn’t… give… a flying… shit.”

  The way he said it—cold and utterly devoid of emotion—didn’t leave one iota of doubt in my mind.

  It’s not that he stopped caring… he never cared.

  It’s not that he didn’t want me enough… he never actually wanted me.

  He had been the first boy I ever loved, and I had been his nothing.

  I clutched my chest, as if that could keep everything from spilling out. The lack of air in the room was choking me. My head ached. My gut churned. The world as I knew it was tilting on its axis—again—and I had nothing to grab hold of. I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break anymore. I was so wrong.

  “I hate you,” I said with all the hurt and loathing I had inside me. Nathan Bentley was like a cheese grater to my organs, leaving behind nothing but shreds every time I was around him.

  He said he wanted to take something of Ricky’s and fuck it. Well, I had never been Ricky’s. And Nathan and I never actually slept together. But in a way, he succeeded all right. He had fucked me over in the worst possible way.

  His lip curled in a sneer. “Good. Get out.”

  * * *

  Ten minutes later, I parked my car in front of a familiar house. I walked up a familiar driveway and knocked. I stood there, trying to block the thoughts and feelings threatening to obliterate me. I was here to escape—in a new and dangerously forbidden way—consequences be damned. The door opened and I looked up into familiar, albeit inquisitive eyes. And I launched myself at him, sealing my mouth over his.

  Chapter 27

  Blurred Lines

  “I’ll Follow You” by Shinedown

  He reacted immediately, slamming the door closed and pushing me up against it with the force of his hips. He met my kiss with equal hunger and zeal, igniting a fire deep within me, its flames alive and all-consuming. I put everything inside of me into that kiss. All the anger, all the hurt, all the loneliness. It may have been the single most desperate kiss in all of existence.

  We clawed frantically at one another, his lips possessing mine, my tongue tangling with his, each feeding a primal need so deeply ingrained within us, there was no telling how we’d ever survived without it.

  His expert hands traveled down my sides, over my hips, and ended at the backs of my thighs. Effortlessly, he lifted me and I wrapped my legs around his waist. My body was pinned securely between him and the door while we continued to ravish each other. I tugged at his hair. The soft strands tickled the skin between my fingers. He growled, and I felt like a goddess.

  All too soon, curiosity got the best of him and he tore his lips from mine. “Why are you—”

  “Shut up and kiss me.”

  When I smashed my lips to his again, he groaned into my mouth. My goal tonight had been to catch him off guard—not even a text to warn of my visit. Otherwise I wasn’t quite sure how he would respond. But if I could drive him mad with lust, he wouldn’t be able to focus enough to ask those questions. Conversation was the last thing on my mind right now. I didn’t want to think; I wanted to feel.

  With a heat I hadn’t expected, he grinded his body into mine. Yes! I moaned involuntarily at the delicious friction it caused, right where I needed it most. My hands traveled lower to explore his shoulders and arms, feeling the strength beneath his t-shirt. I needed more of his scent, more of his lips, more of his fire. More of his hands on me. Now.

  Without breaking our kiss, he carried me from the entry way into the living room and laid me down over the length of the couch. I clung to him tightly, my legs refusing to detach from his waist. So he lowered himself down and covered my body with his own. His weight was perfect—warm and heavy and strong on top of me. I lifted his shirt up and over his head and tossed it away. My hands marveled at every inch of the smooth skin of his back and the sinewy muscles beneath. So firm, so flawless.

  Heavy breathing was the only sound in the dark room. I grabbed onto his waist and pulled him closer while I rolled my hips against him. Yes! Our moans synchronized as we found the perfect rhythm to perpetuate this luxurious burn. Each movement sent me spiraling downward, closer to that boundary that I’d never dared to cross, and I found myself addicted to the fall. I wanted to feel his hard body against mine, his skin against my skin. I didn’t want to stop until there was nothing between us.

  Before this moment, I never realized how truly irritating a few layers of clothing could be.

  Never in my life had I been so forward with a man. There was no trace of the reserved Little Scarlett here, an insatiable vix
en had wholly taken her place.

  He attacked my neck with little nibbles, and I took the opportunity to catch my breath. I sucked the sweet, wonderful air into my lungs with quick pants while his warm, wet lips closed over my earlobe and gingerly sucked. I shuddered and he just drove me higher and higher, building me slowly towards a pleasure I never knew existed. I was so deliriously lost in him, so drunk on my own desire, I hadn’t realized what he was doing until my wrists were locked in a vise-grip over my head.

  Immediately my body cooled to the temperature of ice.

  “Let go.”

  His lips were still at my neck, though his urgency had also slowed. “Tell me why,” he countered.

  This wasn’t funny. I didn’t like to be restrained. I struggled against his hold, but he didn’t release me. “Stop!” I shouted, the panic evident in my voice. “Let GO!”

  Realizing my seriousness, he released my hands, but caught my chin between his forefinger and thumb, forcing me to look up at him. His hooded eyes and heaving shoulders told me he was still affected, yet his mind was determined. He had relented to my demand, and now it was my turn.

  “Why are you here?” he asked again.

  How was he thinking clearly enough to talk about this now?

  “Because.”

  His eyes narrowed, unsatisfied and perplexed. “Did you change your mind? Are you ready to—”

  “Because, Vance.” I closed my eyes. “Because I’m hurting and this is how I fix it.”

  “What?” He lifted himself off my body and tugged his t-shirt back on without tearing his wide eyes away from mine. I sighed and sat up as well. The moment was over yet I hadn’t had nearly enough. The ache of tonight’s fight with Nathan still lingered too close to the front of my mind.

  “Why are you hurting? Who hurt you?”

  I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt. Maybe this was a bad idea.

  “I just needed an escape. And I came here instead of…” I shrugged.

  “…Instead of going to Ricky.” Vance finished for me.

  My jaw tightened. “I don’t want to talk about Ricky.”

  I could feel him tense beside me. “Is this about him? Did he do something to you?”

  I groaned and buried my face in my hands. I knew it was irrational to be mad at Ricky for this. It was Nathan who had used me three years ago. And it was me who had fallen for it. It was Nathan who had been cruel to me tonight. And it was me who had tried to dig up the past. Blame belonged to the two of us. The only fault to Ricky’s name was sleeping with some girl over three years ago. That’s just what he did, and I’d decided long ago that if we were going to stay friends, I could never hold that against him.

  “Technically… no.”

  All the same, if I had to face him right now, I wouldn’t be able to see anything beyond Nathan’s betrayal.

  “I’m not playing around, Rosie, if he so much as—”

  “He didn’t do anything to me.” I looked him in the eye when I said it. “This isn’t even about Ricky.”

  “Then what’s it about?”

  My eyes unfocused, remembering the glacial expression Nathan had worn when he threw me out. “The easiest breakup I ever had was with that asshole who fed me lines and cheated on me.”

  His head cocked to the side. “Miles?”

  “Yeah,” I scoffed. “Fucking Miles.”

  It only took him a second to figure it out. “You spoke to Nathan?”

  “I thought he was an asshole when he dumped me over text,” I choked. “That was nothing.”

  And somehow, it all came pouring out in a jumbled mess.

  “I’m trying to move forward. I just wanted closure. But he thought I was with Ricky. When we were sixteen. That’s the only reason why he ever… he was only with me to get back at them. It was all because of another girl.”

  Immediately, Vance’s arms wrapped around me, even though I was being absolutely ridiculous. “He’s an idiot, Rosie. He was never good enough for you.”

  “I know!” I exclaimed. I was so tired of everyone telling me I deserved better than Nathan Bentley. In my head I believed it, but that just made it hurt worse. If I was too good for him, then why hadn’t I been good enough to want? What did I ever see in someone who could do something so awful? This was supposed to be one step in a long line of steps to fix my life. But it felt like nothing more than a big leap backwards.

  I buried my face in the crook of his neck and sniffled. “The whole time, Vance.”

  I wasn’t crying on his shoulder, per se, since there were no tears. But my body was mourning. It was searching for release and Vance was there to soothe the ache. He rocked me gently and rubbed my back, murmuring softly into my ear. There was something so calming about the simple motion. His arms were warm and strong around me. I melted into his comfort.

  Usually when I got upset, I went to Ricky for distraction. And there was a brief time in my past I sought escape by finding someone who wanted me, even for just a night. But I’d never felt the affirmation of someone listening to my troubles and understanding. I’d never felt the therapeutic comfort of encouraging words or a warm body transferring strength directly into mine. It was new and wonderful and more than anything, I wanted to stay where I was, surrounded by someone who cared.

  * * *

  Right there on his living room couch, Vance held me in his arms until the emotions subsided.

  “Are you mad at me?” I asked, my voice minuscule.

  He pulled back just enough to look into my eyes. He seemed curious, but I didn’t sense any anger. “Why in the world would I be mad?”

  “I… I used you.”

  He chuckled and winked at me. “You can use me like that anytime you like.”

  “I’m serious, Vance. I didn’t change my mind about us. I just needed a little comfort.”

  His expression softened. “Then I’m actually glad you came to me.”

  I balked. “Are you listening to me? I just admitted I used you. Don’t you have any pride?”

  “I’m not too proud to kiss the girl I’ve been dreaming about for weeks.” He tucked a curl behind my ear. “Is that what you need? Kiss me. Yell at me. Get it all out. I said I’m here for you and I meant it. I’m not the one who insisted this had to be all or nothing. I want you, all of you, but if you can’t handle that right now, I’m willing to compromise. That’s what relationships are all about.”

  I tapped a finger on the arm of the couch in thought. “Then what do you propose?”

  “This,” he gestured between us. “If we want time alone together, we take it. You’re a private person, I get that you don’t want everyone in our business right now. As far as they know, we’ll just be close friends. But at the end of the day, we’re here for each other.”

  “So… like a booty call?”

  He made a face. “No. We actually care about each other. That always comes first.”

  “So… like friends-with-benefits.”

  He shook his head. “Stop trying to label it.”

  “But that’s what it is.”

  A smile spread across his face. “A wise girl once told me that relationships aren’t black and white. There’s tons of gray.”

  I scoffed. “And you listened to her?”

  “I always listen to her.”

  “Hmm… You must have selective hearing.”

  He chuckled. “Here’s what we are: we’re Vance and Rosie. We’re good together. We’re just gonna take a small step forward. Okay?”

  He made it sound so simple. And I wanted it. He was a good guy, and what he offered was tempting. Being able to kiss Vance whenever I wanted with limited expectations? Sign me up!

  Still, it felt unfair, because we wanted different things and ultimately Vance was the one who would have to settle for less. I’d been on the other side of unrequited feelings before—the memory of my first broken heart was fresh after tonight’s encounter. And I didn’t want to hurt him like that.

  “I don’t know…”
I said. But my conviction was weakening.

  “Let’s back up. Tell me what it is that you do and don’t want.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I assume you like the physical part?” He brushed my hair aside and placed a soft kiss on my neck. Within seconds, goosebumps pebbled on my arms. “Isn’t that why you came here tonight?”

  “Yes,” I rasped.

  His warm breath blew over my skin as he whispered, “We’re in luck. Because I like that part, too.”

  That made me smile a little shyly.

  “See? Off to a good start already.” He backed away. “Now tell me what you don’t want.”

  My eyes danced away from his. “I don’t know how to say it.”

  “Try.”

  I took a deep breath. “You’re my best friend. I like being around you. I like a lot of things about you. And I’m attracted to you. But…” I didn’t want to feel emotionally attached? Make a commitment? Fall in love? I trusted him and it scared me? He trusted me and it scared me? The thought of losing him scared me? How could I possibly tell him those things?

  “But what?” he pushed.

  The thoughts floated haphazardly in my head. Maybe with a pen and paper I could’ve eventually formed the right words, but I didn’t know how to speak them aloud. I shrugged hopelessly.

  “Tell me, Rosie. Because I don’t know what you want. I’ve tried to be subtle. I’ve tried to be direct. I’ve tried words and gestures and affection and time. Did any of it work? Did none of it work? Talk to me. Tell me what to do so I can do it for you.”

  I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hands, overwhelmed. “It’s too much!”

  “Too much what?”

  “Pressure,” I mumbled. “Too intense. Too emotional. I can’t handle it… I need space. You want to jump back into a serious relationship and I can’t give you that. Just thinking about it… I don’t have any room to breathe!”

  There. I said it. And with my face buried in my hands, I didn’t have to see his face when the statement registered.

  “You want casual…” he tested out the word, rolling it over in his mind. He sat back and took an even breath. “I can do casual.”