Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

  Heated friction built between us as he rocked against me. When it became too much to handle I broke from our kiss, letting my hair fall around me in a natural mess. He kissed my jaw, my collarbone and my neck when I couldn’t keep up, like he’d never tasted anything so addictive.

  I could tell he just needed me in this moment, and I never said stop, because I needed him, too.

  * * *

  “Sorry,” he said, breathing hard as we straightened our clothes.

  After the silent drive and the hot and heavy make-out session that followed, it was the first thing he had said to me all night. A particular conversation had turned into a daunting task that neither one of us were eager to have. I was more than happy to stall in such a fashion.

  Between unspoken words and Vance leaving for two weeks, we were bound to get a little carried away. And I was sure after we made our appearance inside, there’d be more where that came from later.

  I spent a whole two seconds fixing my hair before climbing out of the truck. When he followed, I planted a quick kiss on his cheek and pulled a sultry smile. “I’m not.”

  * * *

  We both walked in fashionably late, me a few minutes behind Vance just to throw everyone off. I found their table and greeted everyone, including Vance—as if we hadn’t just arrived together or spent the last ten minutes parked in his truck. I could still feel the warmth on my body as though his hands had never left me. I licked my lips and could still taste his mint. His eyes fixated on me, following my every movement, and I shot him a surreptitious smile.

  Contrary to how it seemed, I didn’t enjoy this part—sneaking around, lying to his friends. Maybe the thrill of it was exciting at first but now it just felt like college all over again. Censoring myself in front of others, pretending. The same game, just a different mask.

  I could tell Vance was growing more and more uneasy about it as well. Still, the secrecy was a necessary evil for my sanity.

  “Hot fudge holy moly!” Kiki exclaimed when she saw me. “Look at the total knockout wearing makeup! No wonder that guy at the bar is totally checking you out!”

  Of course, I’d noticed the guy at the bar. I already knew by the way he looked right at me and poked his tongue in his cheek, subtlety was not one of his strong suits.

  “He’s probably just wondering if I’m old enough to be in here.”

  “He’s cute! At least smile at him!”

  “Not interested.”

  She huffed. “Do you even like guys?”

  “Huh?”

  “You know. Are you gay?”

  My eyes bulged. “Kiki! No, I am not gay!”

  “Are you sure? Do you feel anything when I do this?” Before I had a chance to react, she leaned in and pecked me on the lips!

  “That’s my girl!” Cole grinned and proudly wrapped an arm around Kiki.

  “What the hell!” I shouted, rubbing off my lips with my arm. “What was that for?”

  She shrugged. “For science!”

  “Ugh. I already told you I wasn’t. Maybe you’re gay.”

  “Maybe,” she said thoughtfully. “I kind of enjoyed that.”

  The table laughed it up and funny-boy Cole held a palm up to Vance, which lucky for him went unslapped. I felt his eyes on me but couldn’t even look in his direction. At least it would turn off that guy at the bar. Or so I hoped. I harrumphed and brushed my hair back over my shoulder.

  “Hey… what’s that on your neck?” Summer pointed.

  “What?” I absently brushed away whatever crumb she was referring to.

  Kiki gasped into her hands. “Is that what I think it is?”

  Gwen turned in my direction and tilted my chin to inspect. That’s when she burst into laughter. “It is! It’s a love bite!”

  A what? My fingers touched the delicate flesh on my neck that they were all staring at. At the contact, a flash of the last ten minutes replayed in my mind. Vance pinning me down in his truck, his lips on my throat, bringing me to ecstasy…

  Oh.

  Shit.

  My eyes swung to Vance. Big mistake. Because every set of eyes at the table followed. His gaze was glued to me though, jaw clenched, his expression wide and wondering.

  “No…” Summer shook her head in horror.

  “I knew it!” Gwen shrieked, slamming her palm on the table.

  Kiki squealed and flapped her little hands with excitement.

  “I love being right so much, it hurts!” said Gwen.

  “Is that why you taste like mint?” asked Kiki.

  Summer said nothing else.

  My cheeks flamed like an inferno. I hid my face in my hands, humiliated by the commotion around me. He marked me. He knew I didn’t want anyone to know, yet he went out of his way to make sure they all found out. What I thought was a steamy rendezvous was all just a part of his plan to betray me. He was leaving tomorrow and I was left here to deal with the backlash. His friends wouldn’t understand our arrangement. They would think this meant we were together. And if I tried to explain, they’d pick sides and all turn against me. I might as well sew a giant “A” on my shirt. Or an “L” for liar.

  A warm hand rested on shoulder. I looked up to find Vance watching me with worry. I was so hurt I could barely contain my emotions.

  “You did this on purpose?” I croaked, even though I already knew the answer. His apology in the truck made a lot more sense now. But it did nothing to repair the trust he had broken.

  He was supposed to talk to me. He was supposed to tell me when he couldn’t handle our arrangement anymore, not publicize it.

  He swallowed, but did not lower his eyes. “It was a crummy idea in the heat of the moment. At first I just had to have you, then—”

  “I’m not yours, Vance,” I fumed, standing up to leave. It always came back to him trying to own me. That was never going to happen. “I’m not anyone’s to mark.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, rising with me. “I shouldn’t have done it, but—”

  “Why didn’t you just piss on my leg!” I snarled, my palm covering my neck. “Do you have any idea how cheap this makes me feel?”

  His teeth clenched, and his eyes contorted from concern into anger in less than a second. He stood at his full height leaning into my face until I felt the need to back up a few inches. “Cheap? It makes you feel cheap?” he demanded. “Says the girl to her dirty little secret!”

  I sucked in a breath, stung. Vance was normally so gentle with me, even when we argued. The hardness in his voice caught me by surprise. He acted like I never even considered his feelings. That couldn’t be further from the truth! I’d felt enough guilt for our effed up arrangement without him rubbing salt in that wound. The only reason I agreed to compromise was because he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I couldn’t believe he was throwing it in my face now.

  “I’ve been nothing but honest with you since the very beginning!”

  “I want more,” he pressed.

  “You deserve more,” I agreed, “but I can’t give it to you.”

  “Why?”

  My eyes rolled to the heavens, as if asking for a way out of this mess I had created for myself. Round and round in circles we went. He wanted answers; I wanted my freedom. Neither of us were willing to budge. He may have thought he was slowly winning me over, but he had just taken my hard limit—a line I’d clearly drawn—and crossed it.

  It was then that I noticed we still had an audience, all fully absorbed in our very private discussion. Tonight we had pushed one another to our breaking points and everyone was here to witness it. Cole, Gwen and Kiki’s eyes ricocheted between us like a tennis match. Summer’s stare was locked accusingly on me. I could see the judgments already forming in their minds as they gobbled up every word we threw at each other.

  Drama that I didn’t want to deal with.

  Answers that I didn’t have.

  I wasn’t ready to explain it to them. I wasn’t even ready to explain it to myself. Yet without any notice, Vanc
e had just dropped me center stage on opening night and handed me a microphone.

  I hadn’t been this pissed at him since the day we first met, when he grabbed my shoulder and serenaded me about believing in love. What a crock of bullshit. All the times he said he only wanted my happiness were bullshit. Trusting him was bullshit.

  I grabbed my purse with one hand and Gwen’s arm with the other. No way in hell was I staying here or leaving with him. I needed as much distance between us as possible before we both did something we’d regret. Although it might’ve been a bit late for that.

  Before fleeing the room, I glared at Vance over my shoulder. The bleakness in his eyes did nothing to soften my resolve. He hurt me deeply and I had to hit him back. I would not be spending the night with him, and we would not be resuming things when he returned.

  “Oh well, that was fun while it lasted,” I said, voice thick with sarcasm. “Enjoy your trip, Vance. And when you get back… find yourself that nice blond.”

  * * *

  “Would you slow down?” Gwen grumbled as I dragged her to the car. I climbed into her passenger side and slammed the door.

  Flipping down the visor and using the little mirror to examine my neck, I tilted my head, letting the dim light illuminate the offending spot. It stood out against my ivory complexion, a splotchy brown with red tinted around the edges. How long would it take to fade? And until then, would anyone else discover it?

  “Ugh!” I growled in frustration and slapped the visor shut.

  “You know, it’s just a hickey,” Gwen offered practically. “It’s not like he carved his initials onto your skin.”

  “Oh, so now you’re taking his side?”

  “Actually, yes. In fact, I like Vance much better than you right now. Why did you try to hide that you guys are together?”

  “We are not together,” I dismissed. “What am I going to do about work? I have to wear my hair up. And my parents!”

  “It’s called makeup, Scarlett. I know you own some.”

  “That’s not the point,” I said feebly.

  “You’re right. The point is, why didn’t you tell me? I had to hear it from this,” she poked me in the throat, and I rubbed the spot. “How long has this been going on?”

  I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and looked away. “Since just after Smudgepot,” I admitted quietly.

  “Two months,” she shook her head in disappointment. “Two months of opportunities to tell me yourself, but you never did.”

  “We aren’t really dating,” I said lamely. “We argue more than anything. We’re close—you know that part—and sometimes we make out. That’s all.”

  “I specifically asked you what was going on between you two. ‘Nothing,’ you said. ‘We’re just friends,’ you said. You lied.”

  I hung my head. “I don’t know how we got here. I never wanted it to go this far.”

  “What did you intend? A secret fling with your best friend and no one gets hurt? That boy loves you, Scarlett.”

  “I know,” I whispered.

  “You know? Damn, I thought you were at least in denial. You know he’s in love with you, yet you’re still stringing him along?”

  My eyes squeezed shut. I leaned my head against the window, the glass felt cool to the touch. “You can’t make me feel any worse about it than I already do, Gwen.”

  She released a heavy sigh—one that told me her frustration level was off the charts—and reversed the Mini Cooper out of its parking spot. The air between us prickled like static. I knew she wanted to rip me a new one for this. And I knew I deserved it.

  I’d left Lexi because she was a crappy friend. But was I any better? A true friend would have stuck to her convictions and never blurred the lines with Vance. A crappy friend (that would be me) wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.

  The cruel part was that I foresaw this happening. I knew firsthand what it felt like to be used. But I did it anyway, and convinced myself it was a fair compromise. And instead of confiding in Gwen with my struggles, I buried the truth like some dirty secret.

  Vance was right. I had turned the best friendship I ever had into a cheap affair. And I couldn’t be mad at him when he finally gained the courage to stand up for himself.

  I liked Vance. I wanted him (in my own confusing way). But I had done a poor job of showing him respect.

  The ride was uncomfortably quiet. It gave me time for my anger to dwindle and my brain to work in overdrive. Everything was different now that Vance had outted us. Privacy had been one of our biggest rules. Now that it was gone, I didn’t see any way to keep our arrangement afloat. Vance would no longer want to hide his affections. People would assume we belonged to one another. A long-term public tie would feel too similar to a real committed relationship. And I still wasn’t ready for that.

  However, it was unrealistic to expect either one of us could go back to being just friends. Things had changed between us; we knew each other intimately, and we were connected in a way that couldn’t be easily erased. How could we see each other day in and day out without acting on our physical urges? Or our emotional ones?

  This time around, I had to admit my own weaknesses up front. I wouldn’t be dating, and Vance would see that as a sign to wait for me. If he continued his pursuit, lonely nights would come along, and eventually I would cave again.

  That meant the only fair option was one I desperately didn’t want to consider… we needed to end things between us once and for all. Remove the temptation permanently. Go our separate ways. Otherwise we would just keep hurting until it destroyed our friendship—all our friendships—just like the great rift that destroyed my old clique when Nathan and I broke up.

  But as it was, the thought of losing Vance’s friendship was excruciating.

  We were almost home when Gwen finally spoke up.

  “He’s come a long way since dating Evelyn,” she remarked. “He took a lot of shit from her and never stood up for himself. But the way he looked at you tonight, like he wanted to give you the moon yet still slapped your wrist for making such a request… I liked seeing him like that.”

  I nodded in agreement. “He has grown up a lot.” I remembered the confidence in his stance tonight when he said he wanted more. He finally sounded like the believed he deserved it. While a part of me was sad because of what that meant for us, a part of me was so happy that he wouldn’t continue to settle for less.

  “That boy has serious balls,” she said. “I can’t believe he pulled that stunt with the hickey. I may have to bake him cookies.”

  I chuckled. “Mint chocolate chip. They’re his favorite.”

  “I’ll remember that.”

  “Sorry I didn’t tell you, Gwen.”

  She nodded once, still pissed. I could only hope that she would forgive me in time.

  “A bit of advice. Get off the fence before that boy comes back down from the mountain. Or you’re going to regret it.”

  I knew she was right. And sadly, I already knew what side of the fence I’d be on. I didn’t want to entertain the idea of either outcome. But for one option, I wouldn’t even allow myself an errant thought.

  Change was in the air tonight. Vance was leaving. Our friends had found out about us. I went from being furious with him to proud of him. Our whole relationship was in danger of ending. And I had let Gwen inside the wall a tiny bit.

  “Summer’s going to hate me.”

  A slow breath eased past her lips. “She already does.”

  “She’s in love with Vance,” I said on exhale. “I wish I could give him that.”

  “Or that Vance loved her instead,” Gwen threw in.

  If only… it made perfect sense, didn’t it? Cole and Kiki, Summer and Vance, one big happy family. They’d all been together since they were kids and I couldn’t picture a more perfect match. Summer would love Vance in the way he deserved. She’d throw elaborate parties for his family and friends. She’d cook him turkey dinners wearing high heels and pearls. She’d keep his ho
me immaculate and add the perfect touch to the houses he flipped, with her beautiful and impeccable design. She’d be good for him… so much better than I could ever be…

  “I saw that,” Gwen accused.

  I steeled myself. “What?”

  She shook her head in dismissal, wearing a very familiar look. It was the same expression I wore when Lexi said something ridiculous and I held my tongue. When it wasn’t even worth the breath to correct her because she was too dense to understand.

  It sucked being at the receiving end of that look. It made me feel foolish. And I was so tired of feeling like a fool. But what was I supposed to do? Date Vance and pretend everything was fine just to appease everyone else? Gwen didn’t understand the rationale behind my reservation. Without explaining everything, my excuses would fall on deaf ears, too.

  So I settled for vague instead. “It’s just not that simple.”

  “It’s simpler than you think, Scarlett. You’ve had a few jerks for boyfriends, and at first they all seemed like nice guys, too. So you don’t trust yourself to try again, am I right?”

  That was a part of it, I supposed. I nodded.

  She turned on her blinker and pulled into my cul-de-sac. “You’re not gonna make the same mistake here. You wanna know how I know that?”

  I sighed but humored her. “How?”

  “Because you didn’t pick this one. He picked you.”

  * * *

  I was home for less than an hour before I heard the familiar rumble of a certain charcoal truck. I opened the shutters and peered down as Vance pulled into my driveway. He looked up and saw me silhouetted in my bedroom light. We both stared at each other, wondering how tonight had taken such a drastic turn.

  He opened his door and stepped one foot out, looking up at me cautiously. “Can we talk?” he asked, and hitched a thumb towards his truck.

  I swallowed, twice, and remained silent and still. Nothing had changed, we were still at an impasse. If I went out there, we would be facing some kind of finality. I didn’t know how I’d gather the courage to do it.