Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

  Our hands were all over each other, needing something palpable to convince ourselves that this was real. I dug my nails into his skin, feeling him move with me and against me and everywhere, flesh on flesh. His warm mouth explored my curves. His fingers found their own punishing grip on my hips as he rocked his body with mine over and over until I was ready to burst.

  Once more I tried to speak, but he cut me off with the force of his kiss, so quickly I forgot what I had to say. Our fingers laced together and he pinned my hands up over my head, taking total control.

  He kissed me until I was breathless. Until I was thoughtless. Until he had expelled every ounce of heartache within me. I’d missed him so much I was trembling. Especially with his body hitting just the right spots. I was all in… gone off the deep end… his—hook, line and sinker. He had taken absolute possession of me.

  The world fell away with a groan. And there was no more guilt or grief, there were no more pain at all. Every kiss, every stroke, every sound pulled me out of my head and deeper into this moment. Into this feeling of absolution.

  I cried out as the pleasure ruptured and rippled through me, just by the steady movement of his hips alone. My body saw stars but my eyes were literally leaking tears. His kisses turned soft and he just held me as I found my release. We were still entangled when we finally fell asleep, neither one of us ever uttering a word.

  * * *

  You know that feeling you get when you wake up in a strange place and it takes a few seconds to remember where you are and why?

  That didn’t happen to me this morning.

  Today I awoke with a smile, because I immediately knew I was back where I belonged.

  I reached my hand across the sheets, disappointed to find his side empty. I frowned and opened my eyes, glancing around the room. He was nowhere to be found. Not only that, but his room looked different. Bare. The personal items on his walls and shelves were gone. Brown boxes and bubble wrap were scattered on the floor.

  I wrapped the sheet around me and climbed to my feet, tiptoeing to the hall. I peeked out, called his name. It echoed louder than it should have. No response. Things were missing out here too. Less of his stuff. More boxes.

  Slowly I backed into the room. What was going on? Where was he? Had I imagined last night?

  My memories replayed from the previous day. The funeral. My old clique. Ricky. Vance.

  It felt so real.

  But if it was real, why would I be here alone? And why did his house no longer feel like his?

  My foot hit something. I looked down to find my purse. I must’ve dropped it here last night. I bent to gather the things that had spilled out onto the floor. Including my return flight ticket, Phoenix’s obituary, and a note…

  No, please no…

  A chill crawled up my arms as the pieces together. I ripped open the note, hoping against hope that this wasn’t really happening. My heart was already pounding as I read:

  S-

  Have I ever told you, you look like an angel when you sleep?

  Every single day since you left, I wished to have you in my arms one last time.

  I should have known by now it would never be enough.

  I will never, ever regret a single moment I was able to comfort you while you were hurting.

  But I can no longer settle for being less than everything you need.

  It’s breaking me. Just like you knew it would.

  So I’m sorry, but this is how I have to say goodbye.

  You once told me that the perfect love only lasts one moment in time. I get it now. Because our short time together was something I’ll never get over. Not as long as I live.

  Whatever you’re looking for, I hope you find it.

  -V

  A salty teardrop landed on the page. Quickly followed by another.

  I’d lost every man in my life that I ever cared about to their own vices.

  My brother James to anger.

  Nathan to revenge.

  Miles to lust.

  Gabriel to greed.

  Ricky to violence.

  Phoenix to addiction.

  But Vance… Vance I lost because of me.

  Chapter 46

  Exception

  “23” by Jimmy Eat World

  Unless you counted school choir—where I was lost in a sea of faces and voices—the one and only time I’d ever sung in public was for the National Anthem during my high school graduation.

  I remembered that day, unsteady in my heels as I approached the stage with more nervous energy than I’d ever known. I thought for sure I was going to trip or screw up in front of everyone, and that’s how I would be forever remembered in everyone’s postgraduate memories.

  But that moment had nothing on this.

  On that day, my parents, boyfriend and friends would have cheered for me no matter if I forgot the words or if my voice cracked on the high note. They would’ve supported me anyway because they loved me.

  No one was rooting for me today.

  I made one quick stop then bypassed all the usual places: the ice cream shop, The Alley, Honey’s, even the park. I knew exactly where he’d be at a time like this. The toughest part was actually locating it.

  I exited the freeway at Mountain Avenue and took it all the way up. I drove past tree after tree, bend after bend, determined to find my way. A couple wrong turns and unnecessary circles later, I found the familiar road that led to an isolated cabin by the lake. And sure enough, the charcoal truck was parked out front.

  I grabbed the borrowed guitar from my trunk. My skills weren’t great, but thanks to Claire I knew enough to get by.

  I perched on the hood of my car and took a deep breath. I’d sung for boys before, but never while playing and definitely never a song I’d personally written. This took more courage than I possessed on a typical day. But for Vance, I would always make an exception.

  I was through playing games and pushing him away. I was ready to face the truth. I knew what I wanted and I was prepared to fight for it. I wouldn’t be doing this to him if I weren’t one-hundred percent certain.

  My stomach was doing somersaults and tap dancing and fire-breathing, but I wouldn’t let that stop me. I was tired of being more motivated by fear than by my heart. Everything was on the line today. That had me terrified, but I wouldn’t let it hold me back anymore.

  In front of an audience of evergreens and pine, I started to strum. Thick vibrations hit my fingertips, hot blood pulsed through my veins. The mountains stayed quiet to witness this strange performer shaking with nerves and sheer determination.

  Seconds later I looked up and there he was, standing just outside the cabin, watching me. My fingers faltered slightly but I recovered the riff. Our gazes locked and instantly he was the only thing I saw. Nothing and nobody else mattered but him. And from here on out, it would always be that way. Every syllable I was about to deliver was a solemn promise of exactly that, meant for him and him alone.

  I switched to a minor chord without losing the rhythm. Strummed a few more times.

  Then I started to sing.

  In every note I sang to him, I exposed the depths of my heart. How life had become a disappointing darkness. And love had only let me down. After so many failed attempts, my hope for its existence had faded. It was easier to be alone, to depend on only myself, rather than try to trust one more time.

  But I was so stuck living in the past, I didn’t see the real thing was right in front of me.

  My voice steady and soulful, I poured all my love and devotion into every word. I looked right into those olive green soul windows and sang directly from the heart.

  Because his love was patient, and kind.

  His love was good, and whole, and real.

  His love was terrifying, and exhilarating, and intriguing, and warm.

  His love was understanding, and forgiving, and perfect.

  He was my exception.

  And he was the light of my life…

  * * *
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  It may sound totally crazy, but I had this romantic vision of Vance smiling back at me while I sang to him, wearing that dreamy-looking grin he used to give me during our happiest times together. I thought he’d hear my words and realize everything I felt and was trying to say. I imagined him rushing forward when it was over, picking me up and twirling me around, telling me he never stopped loving me, and kissing me in the middle of his mountains as it if was the very first kiss. A new beginning for us.

  But he didn’t do any of that.

  My song finished, and an overwhelming silence took over. I waited on pins and needles for whatever was about to happen next.

  Vance didn’t move.

  I stood there. Waiting. Hoping. Praying.

  He didn’t say anything. Not one word.

  Somehow, my feet carried me forward. Straight to him. Right there at the front door of his cabin in the middle of the trees, I stood before the man I loved, wearing a guitar around my neck and my heart on my sleeve.

  He just stared back at me with a restrained intensity. Cautious, wary eyes that cut me deeply with a thousand words I never thought I’d hear. Not from Vance.

  What he actually said was, “Better not miss your flight.”

  I could only imagine the hurt he felt in finding my return ticket, along with the obituary. He must’ve drawn his own conclusions about why I had come to him last night. I’d hoped the song would make my feelings clear. There was so much more I still needed to say, but I could feel him closing himself off to me.

  “This is where I’m supposed to be,” I told him.

  “That hasn’t stopped you before.”

  His coldness stung, though I knew it was deserved. “Please, give me a chance to explain.”

  “I get it, Scarlett. I get how you work now. This time I’m not asking for more.”

  I stuck my hand out to prevent him from shutting the door. “Well I am asking for more. I tried to tell you… I should have told you before anything happened. Vance… I love you.”

  His only reaction was a slight downward twitch in his brows. His jaw was tight, not allowing any words to escape. He was the one holding back his emotions now. I could recognize it in his eyes.

  “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that. And now…” he shook his head and turned away from me. His next words were quieter. “Why are you doing this?”

  “I messed up. A thousand times. And I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I hope… I hope you can forgive me. Because I need you.” A touch of desperation laced my words. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him again. I did love him. I’d never meant it more.

  “I just find it all a little hard to believe. Considering the circumstances.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. Is that what he wanted—an apology? I’d say it a thousand times because I meant that, too. I was sorry for everything I’d ever done in fear of confronting my feelings for him, and letting my past dictate our future. “I know how it looks. But I would never say it if I weren’t absolutely certain. I would never do that to you. Trust me.”

  “That’s the thing… I don’t know if I can.”

  I suddenly felt ill. He couldn’t do this. The pain of losing Phoenix—plus the end of my friendship with Ricky—was still fresh. It was all too much. I was desperate to have something to hold onto.

  “You said… you said you loved me. To the stars and back. You said you’d wait as long as it takes.”

  “Maybe you were right all along, though.” He looked back at me, utterly defeated. “Maybe it isn’t worth it.”

  His words went straight to my heart.

  “You don’t really believe that.” After everything we’d been through, how could he doubt? “You told me love outlasts everything and overcomes all. You’ve seen it with your own two eyes. You felt it when we laid under the stars, and when we danced, and every time we sat in your truck. I know you did because I felt it too. You were the one who put all your faith in love, Vance, and you were right. I believe in it now because of you.”

  …Nothing. Not even a blink.

  I laughed, but it was really only to keep myself from crying. “So if you’re already over it, what the hell was last night? Retribution?”

  “Scarlett…”

  “Stop calling me that and just answer me!”

  “Scarlett.” He stepped forward and took my hands in his. They were just as warm as I remembered. “You need forgiveness? I forgive you. I forgive you for pushing me away. I forgive you for keeping your secrets. I forgive you for Ricky. And Dirk. I even forgive you for breaking my heart for your own atonement.

  “But I’m not the one who’s confused about what last night was about. You’re here now because you’re grieving. You’re afraid of losing someone else you care about. But I won’t compete with another ghost.”

  “No,” I cried.

  He reached out and wiped the tears from under my eyes with his thumbs. Beneath his mask, it looked like it genuinely pained him. “I’m sorry about Phoenix. And I’m sorry that you’re hurting. But you can’t do this now. You chose to leave and follow your dreams. I can’t let you give them all up for one weak moment.”

  He was throwing my own words back at me. Why had I even said them?

  “I don’t need Texas,” I pleaded. “I just need you.”

  “Please don’t do that. I don’t want to be the reason you give it all up.”

  “I’ll give it all up in a heartbeat. I love you.” Those dreams were worthless compared to what I felt with him. Last year he was willing to settle for so little. Now here I was willing to offer him everything, and he didn’t want any of it.

  “I know,” he said. “But you loved me the first time you left me, too.”

  “Well I was wrong. I was stupid and scared and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I’m here now. I’m telling you we’re not finished. I’m fighting for us and I’m not giving up. You know why? Because of you. Because you showed me what it was like to put someone else’s happiness first. You showed me what it was like to truly know someone, and to trust. You were the light that I held onto on the darkest nights alone. You make me feel this pull to be close. Texas isn’t close enough, Vance. We belong together.

  “I know I hurt you, and you’re scared. I know what it feels like to have doubts and put up walls to protect yourself. But I also know with all my heart that you are what’s missing from my life. And if you let yourself, love will be strong enough to sustain us.”

  After everything we’d been through, in our months together and apart, I’d grown more sure of its omnipotence every single day.

  Everything was riding on this moment. For a second it almost looked like he would take me back. For that second, I was so, so hopeful…

  Then, “I’m sorry,” he said. “I need you to leave.”

  I should have known. He didn’t want me anymore, even as a friend. I had already lost him.

  Why had I thought one lousy gesture could possibly make up for everything I’d put him through? It was too little, too late. And I’d done this to myself.

  I deserved this. I knew I did. But it didn’t crush me any less.

  My eyes started to swim. But I nodded. I understood. It was his decision and it was a respectable one. Still, I didn’t regret trying. It was like he once told me—I could never regret falling in love with him, or telling him how I felt.

  Feeling rejected and dismissed, I turned back for my car. After I’d tucked the guitar safely away, he was still there watching me from his porch. I kept wishing for him to come after me, to take it back, but he never did.

  One last idea stopped me from pulling away. I knew I wasn’t very good at speaking my mind, which was why I chose a song to convey my feelings. But music wasn’t my heart’s only outlet. He deserved more than one song. And even though it may still never be enough, I was willing to give him everything I had.

  Resolved, I jogged back to the porch. I could see in his eyes that if I would’ve kissed him, he would’
ve let me. But that would only serve to prove him right. Instead I pressed something into his hands.

  He looked down in surprise and recognition. It was the gift he had given me for my birthday last year—the journal I’d begun writing in again. A symbol of my thoughts, my heart, my trust, that I was placing in his hands. At last.

  His fingers curled over the edges of the cover. He looked up at me again, stunned. Words started to form at the tip of his tongue.

  Before he had a chance to refuse it, I backed away, looking into his eyes with sincerity while I said the very last thing I had to say.

  “Thank you.”

  And I meant that, most of all.

  God only knows where I would have ended up without Vance in my life this past year. I had found my redemption, my purpose, my reason to believe. In the end I had to make the decision for myself, however I never could’ve gotten there alone. Several people had been influential on my road to recovery. But in the very beginning he was the one who showed me it was possible. I owed it all to him.

  I smiled through my emotion and did nothing to stop the tears that fell. I could blame fate or timing for our demise, but the truth was, we were broken because of me. No more excuses. The time had come to accept that and for once, put his wishes first.

  So I did as he asked… I left.

  * * *

  “Well I’ll be fit to be tied,” mama lamented as she poured me a cup of homemade hot cocoa. No doubt the news was just as difficult for her, considering she had watched us all grow up from awkward preteens to high school grads. Though as always, she kept her composure, just like the swan. “Poor Phoenix. He was always such a sweet boy.”

  “Yes, he was.”

  Only a few more hours to go until my plane returned to Texas. I’d be back in time for finals, alright. At that very moment I should’ve been studying. But my mindset had been nowhere near my classes all weekend.