I Hate You, Love Me

by Jamie Knight

  “I’ve only heard of things like that and seen them in movies,” I say. “Are they any fun? Are there rides and such?”

  “I’ve never been to one,” he says with a shrug.

  “Really?” I ask in disbelief. “Not even once?”

  He stares at the billboard as we pass. “Well, as I told you, we never had any money growing up,” he explains. “My parents thought things like county fairs were an extravagance. So, we were never allowed to go.” Eventually he turns away from the sign and takes a sip of his soda.

  “That’s lame,” I say. “You know what? We’re going to this one. Tonight.”

  He looks at me with his eyebrows arched up. “What are you talking about?” he responds with a bit of a laugh.

  I point to myself and then him. “I’m talking about you and I going to the county fair and having an awesome time,” I state plainly. “We’re going to rock it.”

  “You are too much, man,” he says and laughs.

  “Well, are you game?” I ask.

  “Yeah, why not, let’s do it!” he says with a sudden boost of excitement in his voice.

  We come up with a plan, and later that night, we set it into motion. Robert, his family, and I are sitting down for dinner. I catch my friend’s eye and give him a smile. Time to get out of the house.

  “Say Robert, you want to go to the baseball field later and play catch and maybe bat a few balls around?” I ask.

  “Yeah, that will be fun,” Robert says in agreement. He grins at me.

  “That sounds like a fine idea,” Mr. Miller says between forkfuls. “It would be good for you boys to get some exercise. Just don’t bring Lindsay along. We know how dangerous she is with a bat.”

  There is some mild laughter around the table. Lindsay’s face turns slightly red and she leans down over her plate.

  The last time Robert, his little sister, and I played baseball, she hit me in the face with the ball. She broke my nose. It’s not one of my better memories. I had tried to avoid her since that night. Well, except for occasionally teasing her.

  After dinner we offer to help with the washing up, but Mrs. Miller insists that we go have fun. We grab the baseball mitts, a few balls, a bat, and then head outside towards my car. Just as I open the driver’s side door, Lindsay sneaks up on us from behind.

  “You’re not going to the field,” she accuses us, frowning. “You don’t need a car to go there.”

  “It’s none of your business where we go,” Robert argues. “Go back inside.” He points towards the front door.

  “I want to come along,” she insists. She curls her hands into fists and stamps her foot. “Wherever you’re going. I know you’re not headed to the ballpark. You’re going somewhere fun and I want to come too!”

  I don’t like this at all. I certainly didn’t invite her to come along.

  “Sorry Lindsay, boys night only,” I say.

  “C’mon Brent, I won’t cause any trouble,” she says. “I’ll be a good girl, I promise.”

  “Does mom know you’re out here?” Robert asks, leaning against the passenger side door.

  “I told them I was going to study and go to bed early,” she explains with a sly smile.

  “Well, you are a little ninja,” Robert admits. “If you ever decide to become a professional thief you’ll excel at it.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I reiterate.

  “Well can you at least tell me where you’re going?” she asks.

  “We’re going to the fair,” Robert says.

  “Really! I’ve never ever ever been. Can I go too, please?” she pleads.

  Dammit. Who am I to tell this kid she can’t come with us? It sounds like she hasn’t had a single day of fun in her whole life.

  “Okay,” I say, finally relenting. “But you gotta be sure to stick with us and, above all else, make sure you don’t break my nose again!”

  “Yay!” she says.

  We hop in my car. She has to cram herself in the back seat, as it really isn’t meant for actual people to sit in, but it’s a short ride and she’s little enough to make it work.

  Driving out from the urban area and back into the country, I notice how beautiful everything looks here in the fall. We get there and a field has been converted into a parking lot.

  It takes us awhile to hike from our parking spot to the entrance to the fair. Once we get to the ticket booth, Robert and Lindsay look at the price and I can tell if they end up using their own money to pay for admission it will be painful.

  “Let me buy our tickets,” I say. “My treat.”

  “Oh, I can’t let you do that, Brent,” Robert says.

  “Hey, I suggested we go, and here we are, so let me pay,” I say.

  “Okay,” he says. “But let me buy you a hot dog or a soda or something.”

  “We’ll see. Just don’t worry about anything. Tonight is supposed to be all about fun,” I tell him.

  I buy the tickets and we enter the fairgrounds. There’s loads of rides including a small Ferris wheel, a hurricane, a round up, teacups, a Tilt-A-Whirl, and even a Gravitron. I head towards the Gravitron first.

  We line up for the Gravitron. The digital marquee above the entrances lights up with blue letters proclaiming “It’s fun!” and then settles on the attractions name “Thriller”. This all seems to make Lindsay a bit nervous.

  “I heard this ride is scary,” she says crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Have you ever been on any rides before?” I ask.

  “Not a one,” she sadly admits. “I just heard from some kids in school about it.”

  “It will be fine,” I say reassuringly. “Robert and I will be there with you.”

  We get to the front of the line and I can see Lindsay tapping her feet. She is so anxious! It’s then our turn and we enter the circular room. There are panels with padded backs and we each take one next to each other. In the middle is a guy in what appears to be a cockpit. Looks like he’s in control of this machine. The guy in the cockpit is sort of like a DJ and starts playing some trippy dance music as it starts to fire up and spin.

  The ride picks up speed and the music and light show is like something I saw in a film about the 70s disco era. I see some kids climb up the wall and I do the same.

  “What are you doing!” Lindsay scream out.

  “It’s fun, you should try it!” I shout out.

  It is all sorts of awesome. I even get on my knees and face the center and act as if I am swimming in mid-air. This does elicit some smile from Lindsay. Robert sees how much of a blast I’m having and joins in on the centrifugal acrobatics.

  The DJ doesn’t seem to mind that we’re doing all sorts of climbing up and down the walls. This must be what Spider-Man feels like.

  The ride starts to slow down, and we get back right-side up. Robert and I high-five each other while Lindsay breathes a sigh of relief. We run out of the ride and look around to find our next adventure.

  “Hey, we should grab a bite and do the Tilt-A-Whirl next,” Robert suggests.

  “I think the better idea is to eat afterwards,” I argue. “The ride has ‘whirl’ in title for a reason.”

  Lindsay laughs, but quickly covers her mouth with her hand to stop it. That’s the first time I’ve seen her smile all day. Robert seems to think it’s funny as well. I’m glad these two are finally having a good time.

  We head over to the Tilt-A-Whirl. The attraction exists of seven freely-wheeling cars that can hold three to four passengers. The platform rotates and parts are raised or lowered, and then gravitational and centrifugal forces cause the cars to spin and various speeds. It looks like madness while watching it in action.

  “You ready?” I ask Lindsay and Robert.

  “Yep!” she says excitedly and her brother nods.

  We line up and when it’s our turn the three of us sit in the same car together this time. The ride starts and it is unpredictable and wild. I am so glad we didn’t eat anything beforehand. We spi
n around and around. The lights of the machine and the carnival become a blur.

  After we get off the ride Robert stumbles a bit from dizziness.

  “Whoa, that was intense,” he says, putting one hand to his chest and the other to his head. “I should sit down.”

  We go over to a picnic table and Robert takes a seat. He leans forward and puts his hands on his knees, rocking just slightly.

  “You okay?” I ask, taking a seat on the opposite side of the table.

  “I’ll be fine,” he says. “Must be motion sickness or something. I think you need Dramamine before you ride that thing.”

  Lindsay and I look at each other. I can tell she feels the way I do: The night is still going strong and the fun is finally flowing. Why slow down?

  “I just need about ten minutes,” Robert says waving a hand at us to leave him. “I’ll go get some water and catch up with you guys then. What ride are you thinking of riding next?”

  “Let’s go on the Ferris wheel,” Lindsay says tugging at my arm.

  She seems to be warming up to me which is an interesting turn of events. And I guess her company isn’t so bad, after all. She seems to have an adventurous side that has lain dormant for years, maybe for her entire life. It is coming out tonight and it’s nice to see that side of emerge.

  “Okay Robert, we’ll meet you outside the Ferris wheel,” I say.

  “Sounds good, see you there,” he confirms.

  “C’mon, Brent!” Lindsay says again pulling me towards the ride.

  We get to the Ferris Wheel and wait in line for a few minutes. Lindsay seems particularly anxious and playful right now. She’s Robert’s kid sister and I really should make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble while she’s with me. Just going to play it cool.

  A gondola stops at the bottom and lets out a happy couple. It’s our turn next and we are directed to take the seats. After we sit the attendant puts the bar down and makes sure we have our seatbelts on. Then he gives the thumbs up to the operator and the ride starts up again.

  The wheel rotates and incrementally brings us up higher in the air. Once we hit the 9 o’clock position we’re able to see out over the entire fairgrounds. There are quite a few people packed in tonight.

  “Can you see Robert?” Lindsay asks while peering out into the crowds below.

  “Hmmmmm… No, can you?” I ask.

  “Not yet,” she says. “Maybe he went to the bathroom.”

  There is a pause in the conversation as the capsule moves up to a position closer to 12 o’clock. Just then, however, we notice the wheel has stopped moving. We both look around a bit and wait for the ride to start again, but it doesn’t. Even after fifteen minutes we are still stuck in the highest position on the Ferris Wheel.

  “What is happening?” Lindsay asks with concern. She grips the side of the gondola and peers down. I can see that her body is slightly shaking.

  “I’m not sure,” I say, relaxed. “It’s probably nothing.”

  “We’re just sitting here. I don’t like it,” she says. She turns to look at me and her brown eyes are super wide.

  “Look, it will be okay,” I reassure her.

  Lindsay twists in her seat. “I want to get off. Tell them we want to get down! This isn’t fun anymore!” she says frantically.

  I see her face go red like it always does when she gets upset. I can’t help but start laughing at her reaction. I really don’t understand why she is freaking out right now but it’s hysterical.

  “Calm down, Lindsay. There’s no reason to get flustered,” I tell her jokingly. I lean back in my seat and lay my arm on the edge of the gondola.

  “Don’t tell me what to do!” she says in a high-pitched voice. She’s gripping at her chest now and wiggling in her seat. “Why aren’t they doing anything? Can we climb down from here?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say. I lean forward and put my hand on her knee trying to get her to look at me. “Let’s just be patient they’ll fix it soon. Okay?”

  She looks down at my hand and then glares at me. “Why are you touching me?” she asks with vitriol in her voice.

  I pull back and relax against the seat again. Obviously, my efforts to calm her down aren’t working. Lindsay just gets more and more frustrated. She twists back and forth in her seat. She tries waving down at the ride operators below and when that doesn’t work, she starts screaming for help. It’s embarrassing.

  “Calm down, Franny Flustered,” I snap.

  She suddenly goes quiets and turns to look at me. Her brown eyes are a deep honey color and her whole face quivers with rage.

  “What did you just call me?” she asks. Her voice is suddenly very calm, and she bites her lip.

  “Franny Flustered. That’s who you’re acting like,” I reply with a bit of laughter mixed in for good measure.

  “Don’t ever call me that again, you jerk,” she says angrily. Her cheeks are bright red now, almost purple. “In fact, let’s not talk at all right now.”

  She folds her arms and looks away from me. I let out a little more laughter, sigh, and relax. It’s better to have her angry at me rather than completely freaked out.

  I look down below and see the operator and the attendant give each other the thumbs up. The operator presses a button and the ride starts going again.

  For the rest of the time we’re on the Ferris wheel no words are spoken. Lindsay sticks to her guns and keeps her head turned away from me. But I notice that it takes a while for her face to turn from red to pale again.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lindsay

  Present day…

  Christmas Break is over. Brent and I stopped by home to pick up my brother and the three of us drive back to Pacific Day University for the start of the new semester. The countryside has a nice fresh snowfall blanketing it as we drive by it on newly plowed roads. It’s pleasant and serene to look at, but it doesn’t keep my mind from recent events.

  Brent and I have now slept together twice. I can’t believe I instigated the first time, but a second time? What will my parents say if they find out? What about my brother? They’ll probably call me a whore and disown me.

  I’m ashamed. This whole engagement was supposed to be a fake, a sham, a beautiful lie designed so Brent can win some silly contest. But real things have happened. And sometimes we act like a real couple. Hell, we fight like we’ve been married for ten years every now and then.

  So, what am I feeling? Do I like this guy? Do I want this to be an actual engagement? Brent drives me so crazy, though. I want to hate him like I used to but it’s not easy to turn that switch. I just wish we could go back to the way things were before. This has just become way too complicated.

  The three of us are silent as we drive. I find that I can barely answer the questions the boys ask me. All I want is to get back to my dorm room and have some time alone to figure out what I think.

  We drop Robert off at his dorm and head over to mine. Even with Robert gone, I find I cannot talk to Brent. There is nothing but silence in the car.

  “Can I take your bag up to your room?” Brent asks as he parks.

  I don’t want him alone with me in my dorm room. That’s one place we haven’t had sex yet and I’m not convinced we won’t if he comes up. When Brent starts to kiss me it’s hard to not get carried away.

  I remember how he saw me half-naked up there. I was at my most vulnerable and I think he knew it. That’s when this whole mess started.

  “No,” I say firmly. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “What are you talking about?” he says seeming a little annoyed. “I just want to help out.” He frowns at me. “And why have you been so quiet? You’ve barely said a word to me since we left Grandpa’s house.”

  His green eyes glare at me. His blonde eyebrows are arched expectantly. Even angry, he’s so handsome and I hate that I think that. This is all getting too carried away. It’s too much!

  “I can’t stand that we slept
together!” The words burst out of my mouth. “It is weighing on me night and day. We shouldn’t have, because this isn’t real, but we did, and it was a mistake!”

  Brent hisses and sits back in his seat.

  “What are you talking about?” he says in a tone that is not only angry, but also confused.

  “I’m saying maybe we should call the whole thing off,” I state bluntly. “I can’t be around you anymore.”

  “You can’t be serious,” he snaps. “We’ve already told your parents and my entire family. We’re so close to winning this! Please, Lindsay, don’t give up!”

  “I don’t care about the stupid contest!” I yell, as I clench my hands in front of me. “It’s all fake. But we fucked, Brent. That was real. And if my parents, the very same ones who adore you so much, and are finally treating me well, if they found out… Well, that would be the end of everything for me!”

  “I can’t believe you,” Brent says.

  He reaches over and tries to put a hand on my shoulder, but I pull out of his reach.

  “Besides, how would they find out?” he asks.

  “They always find out everything!” I scream, tears coming to my eyes.

  “Lindsay! Lindsay,” he begs as I start to cry harder. “Just take a deep breath and relax. Everything is going to be fine. Your parents will never find out we slept together, and we can stop. If that’s what you really want.”

  Is that what I want?

  “I can’t handle this right now,” I tell him. “I need time to think.”

  I jump out of the SUV and grab my bags. I lug them towards my dorm room, trying to not look back. I manage not to, until I hear Brent start the SUV and gun it out of the parking lot.

  We didn’t even say goodbye.

  Tears start pouring down my cheeks. Brent just doesn’t get it. This is all just a joke to him. He didn’t seem very concerned about my feelings or the fact we’ve had sex two times outside of marriage. I don’t think he gets it yet just how religious my parents are.