The End of All Things Beautiful

by Nikki Young

  “No more lies. No more secrets,” Benji says, his voice nearly inaudible over the sound of the car. I nod my head slightly, but enough that I know he sees it. “I couldn’t… It hurt to be near you,” he says quickly, letting out a long breath as his words cut right through me.

  “I hated what it did to us,” I say, the words almost too painful to get out. “To all of us.”

  I watch a tear roll down his cheek and it’s almost more than I can bear. I can’t see him cry over this, it will be my undoing. I wrap my arm around his and rest my head against his shoulder.

  “I still hate it,” he whispers roughly, and I want to respond, but my words get caught in my throat, painful and heavy. He holds onto the steering wheel, his hands still shaking, his breathing erratic.

  I leave my head against his shoulder, his lips occasionally leaving a kiss on the top of my head as we drive once again in silence.

  I want to tell him about Tommy, but I can’t even work out how to break it to him that he’s lost someone else; that this horrible situation, that this accident is still ruining our lives. I can see he’s already fragile and I don’t want to be the one to break him.

  We said no more secrets and lies, and I won’t keep this from him, but I need to be looking at him, holding him when I tell him. I need to feel him in my arms so he knows I’m not going to run away again. That we’ll deal with it together.

  “I love you,” I murmur, kissing his neck and his shoulder and then taking his hand from the steering wheel, I kiss every one of his fingers, and they finally stop shaking.

  “I love you, Campbell.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  As we’re driving back, Benji’s phone rings and it dawns on me that I don’t have his phone number.

  “You know, I don’t even know your phone number,” I say, before he answers it.

  “And I don’t know yours,” he responds, holding up one finger as he answer his phone. “Hey Alex,” he says and they talk for a few seconds before he turns to me and asks, “Do you want to have dinner with Alex and Annie tonight?”

  “Sure,” I say, but even as I answer, I worry about the last conversation I had with them. I overreacted; honestly, I acted like a fucking bitch and a paranoid one at that. And after Benji admitted to me that he hadn’t told them anything, I’m not sure how I’m going explain myself. All I know is that I definitely owe them an apology.

  He hangs up and hands me his phone with a smile on his face. “Your number, please?” he says and it makes me giggle. He’s so fucking adorable. I enter it and hand the phone back to him and only a second later does my phone begin to vibrate in my bag.

  I haven’t looked at it since I arrived and I still don’t give a shit what’s waiting for me, but I pull it from my bag, ignoring all the missed calls and text messages, I find Benji’s text waiting. “So we never lose each other again”, it says, and it makes me smile.

  I quickly add his number to my phone and turn my attention to him.

  “So,” I say, and he laughs, answering back by echoing my ‘so’. “Don’t make fun of me,” I quip, and he reaches for my hand, but I pull it away dramatically.

  “I’d never,” he says, shooting me an innocent look.

  “Benji, I need to apologize to Alex and Annie for the way I reacted the last time I saw them,” I tell him, but it comes out rushed and embarrassed.

  “No worries, Campbell,” he says casually. “I get why you were defensive. We have a secret that could ruin relationships and friendships, it could ruin everything, but I told you before, I never told them.”

  I often think about why I never told anyone and while the four of us agreed it was a secret we would all keep, I figured one of us would’ve come clean by now. But knowing that Benji hasn’t said anything and Tommy never told his wife, it’s a safe bet to think that it’s still a secret. There were so many times when I was struggling that I wanted to admit it to someone, anyone, but the guilt over what we did always stopped me. How would I be perceived? I was always sure that I couldn’t stand the judgment that would’ve come with my admittance. And in the end, it never felt like it was mine to share. It was never my secret alone.

  “I know you didn’t and I’m sorry I reacted the way I did.”

  Benji stops and looks over at me, like he wants to say something. My hand now resting in his and he starts and stops several times before eventually saying, “But I did tell them about you…and some of it wasn’t good.”

  “I deserved it,” I say and he shakes his head.

  “No, you didn’t, but I was angry and bitter and hurt at the time and that was the way it all came across.” With a sad smile on his face, he clutches my hand tightly. “I’m sorry, I said some horrible things about you and the crazy thing was, Annie saw right through it all. She knew I still loved you despite everything I said.”

  Both of us have a million things we could be apologizing for, but in the end, I’ve always loved him. It doesn’t matter that nine years have passed, and it doesn’t matter what was said or what we did. What matters is that we’ve found each other again.

  “It’s okay, seriously,” I tell him. “I owe you an apology, too.”

  “For what?” he asks, confused.

  “For staying gone. For disappearing without telling you I was leaving and for all the years we’ve missed together. I was being spiteful.” I stop because I don’t want to tell him anymore. All of this is too painful, the memories, the reminders of what we did, and what it did to us.

  “It doesn’t matter what we did,” Benji says, but we both know that’s not true. It might not matter what we did or said in terms of our relationship, but what happened with the accident still matters and it’s a topic we have yet to fully discuss. I feel like both of us are skirting around the bigger issue here and we probably will because we know the severity of it all and what it could possibly do to our already unstable lives.

  Our conversation falls silent and it’s like we both know that delving too deeply will bring to the surface all the things we keep hidden. There’s a reason we spent nine years apart, but there’s also a reason we’ve found each other again.

  An hour later and we’re pulling into Alex and Annie’s driveway and my hands begin to shake. I’m nervous as hell to see them again. Clearly they’re very important to Benji, they’re like his family and the last thing I want to do is embarrass him or have them not like me.

  I begin to chew my lip, stressing about how I’m going to apologize without coming across like a paranoid asshat. Normally this shit wouldn’t bother me; given my job I’m pretty much hated by everyone I come in contact with and I usually let it roll off my back. Sometimes I actually find it gratifying to know these assholes I do business with hate me. It keeps me emotionally detached from it all.

  But in this case, that’s the last thing I want.

  Suddenly Benji is standing at the door to the truck, laughing at me and I flip him off, a crabby look on my face, as he asks, “You gonna stay in here the whole night? You’ll freeze your ass off.”

  “No.”

  He opens the door, his hand held out for me to take and as I do, he pulls me close; kissing me so hard it takes my breath away. His beard rubs along my cheek as his mouth finds my ear and a shiver runs up my spine. It has nothing to do with the cold air. Just being this close to him is all I need and everything around me disappears. He becomes all I can see.

  “Stop,” he whispers in my ear, his voice deep and sexy as hell. “As beautiful as you are when you’re nervous, you’re hot as fuck when you’re being indignant.” His hand is pressed against my lower back as he pulls us closer together. I’m breathless and ready to get back in the truck so we can go home together, right now.

  He’s kissing and nibbling at my neck now and while I’d normally be freezing standing in the snow, right now, I feel like I’m on fire.

  “Your friends are waiting,” I murmur, my voice failing to convey my message. It’s obvious that both of us wish we were doing someth
ing else at the moment.

  “Fuck them,” he says, and it makes me laugh out loud.

  I push him away slightly, taking his hand; I tug him toward the house as he grumbles and pouts behind me.

  Annie greets us at the door with a huge smile on her face and as we step in she hugs Benji and then me. I have a hard time with intimacy of any kind, especially with people I don’t know well. I’ve been so closed off for years that it catches me off guard and I stand awkwardly as she wraps her arms around me. It takes me a second to realize what’s happening before I respond and I try to return her hug without it seeming strange.

  “Nice,” Benji whispers, laughing, after Annie pulls away and walks into the kitchen.

  “Piss off,” I snap back. “I know I’m awkward. She caught me off guard.”

  “It gets easier,” he says, smiling sympathetically as if he understands. “I’m just giving you shit.”

  We follow Annie into the kitchen and find Alex at the stove cooking, and it smells delicious. Without asking, Benji walks to the refrigerator and takes out two beers, handing one to me and then asking if Alex needs help with anything.

  Their entire dynamic is so normal and natural, and it makes me crave what they have. It also makes me remember what Benji and I once had with our small group of friends and that dull ache in my chest returns. Can I let these people in the way Benji has? Can I be happy again? I want it, but I fear it, all at the same time.

  I take a quick drink before clearing my throat and saying, “Hey Annie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry about the other day at the bar. You too, Alex,” I add, looking past Annie as Alex turns to look at me. “I was rude and I shouldn’t have been.”

  “No worries,” Annie says, brushing me off, but giving me a kind smile.

  “I get it,” Alex adds. “You knew Ben told us about you, but don’t worry, we won’t hold it against you. We know Ben can be a dick sometimes.”

  I laugh and Annie smacks Alex on his shoulder as she rolls her eyes.

  “He’s terrible,” she says.

  The four of us take a seat at the table, eating and talking. The night goes by quickly with Alex and Benji telling stories from when they lived in Sydney. It turns out Alex and Annie met in high school, but broke up when he left for Sydney. He was miserable and after meeting Benji while looking for a roommate, they spent most of their time drunk and miserable together. Benji pining after me or hating me, depending on the day, and Alex whining about missing Annie. Although the two of them tell it a little differently, I believe Annie’s version.

  “They were a mess,” she says, looking at me. “I’d call and Alex would tell me he was coming home and that he loved me. It was pretty pathetic.”

  “It sounds sweet,” I say and she laughs.

  “It was, actually.”

  “So how’d you two end up back together?” I ask and Annie looks at Benji first and then to Alex.

  “Well, they got arrested and I had to bail them out.”

  “You’re fucking kidding me?” I say, looking at Benji and he nonchalantly shrugs his shoulders like it’s an every day occurrence that someone’s ex-girlfriend bails him out of jail.

  “Nope. Everyone loves a phone call at six a.m. from an Australian police station asking if you can wire money to bail your ex-boyfriend and his friend out of jail.”

  “What did you do?” I ask, appalled. And while I’m sure this story has some humorous qualities to it, I can tell by the look on Benji’s face, the whole thing makes him uncomfortable. Our past isn’t exactly normal and since it’s all a secret, I’m sure he’s struggling with the memories of what happened with the accident and being questioned by the police.

  “We broke into someone’s house,” he says, mortified. “But that wasn’t really what happened.” I give him a questioning look and Alex begins to fill in the missing details.

  “We had just moved and neither of us could remember where we lived…”

  Benji cuts Alex short and adds, “We were drunk,” like it wasn’t obvious. I know Benji would never knowingly break into someone’s house. Although he did pull a shotgun on me.

  “Yeah,” Alex says, and continues. “All the buildings looked the same and then neither of us could find our keys, so we picked a door and hoped it was ours.”

  “It wasn’t,” Benji says, glaring at Alex, like this is somehow his fault. “And the rest you can figure out on your own,” he adds sharply.

  “That’s pretty horrible,” I say, my hand stroking the back of Benji’s neck and I watch him relax at my touch. I love that I have that effect on him. It’s the same thing his touch does to me, comforting, calming.

  The night comes to an end and I’ve had a great time getting to know Alex and Annie and laughing with them. We’ve all had a lot to drink and I’m definitely feeling the effects as Benji and I make our way to the front door.

  We thank them both and wish them good night as we step outside into the cold air. I’m giggling as Benji pulls me into his arms the moment the door closes. He can’t keep his hands off me and when he presses his mouth to mine, I respond immediately, parting my lips and letting his tongue slip inside. The combination of the cold air and his warm mouth makes me dizzy and I hold onto him tightly. It’s an amazing feeling being this close to him. I love everything about it.

  “I’m drunk,” he mumbles into my neck, and I laugh again.

  “Me, too.”

  “I think we should walk back,” he says, and his words stop me. His hand is in mine as he gives my arm a little pull. “Come on, Campbell.” But I don’t move. I feel my heart begin to race in my chest as I relive the moment we climbed into Sam’s car feeling this way, drunk and giddy.

  He looks back at me, realizing I’m not moving. He shakes his head and steps closer until he’s directly in front of me. “No,” he says, and shakes his head again. “Don’t overthink this, Campbell. It’s not the same thing.”

  He’s right. It’s not. We’ve learned from our mistakes. No one is going to die tonight. I won’t let the horribleness of the accident ruin this otherwise perfect evening. It won’t take control of my life again. It won’t drive us apart.

  With my hand still in his, I’m the one who pulls him along this time, as we start to make the snowy trek back to his house.

  It’s cold and our breath is coming out in short, ragged bursts of white air as we both trudge through the snow. As if Benji can sense it’s all still weighing on my mind, both of us quiet, he stops a few feet shy of the house. His breathing hard and labored from the cold and the long walk, he looks at me and smiles before scooping up a pile of snow and throws it at me.

  It hits me in the chest and my mouth falls open in mock surprise and Benji does it all over again. Before I know it, we’re throwing snowballs back and forth at each other, most of mine missing him by miles and his connecting until I’m almost completely covered in snow.

  “You win!” I yell, sounding winded as I hold my hands up in defeat.

  “Did you seriously just quit?” he asks.

  “I did,” I respond, walking over to him, but as soon as I reach him, I lock my leg around his and take him down with a technique he taught me when we were only ten. It still works like a charm.

  Benji falls flat on his back in the snow as I climb on top of him, straddling his hips, I try to pin his arms down with my knees, but he’s too quick.

  “You’re a cheater!” he screams, and I’m squealing with laughter as he reverses our positions and it’s now me flat on my back and him straddling my hips. My arms are pinned above my head as I squirm underneath him, but he silences me with a kiss.

  It only takes a second for him to deepen the kiss and I can feel the heat radiating off his body despite the coldness all around us. His tongue entwines with mine and I taste him once again, a mix of beer and warmth, his lips soft and smooth as they press into mine. I moan into his mouth, my arms around his neck, dragging him closer to my body. I need to be closer and as if h
e can hear my thoughts, he lifts me off the ground and I wrap my legs around his waist.

  “Take me home,” I whisper into his mouth, breathless and needy.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Benji pushes the door open, my body still wrapped around his as I slide out of his arms and down his body. Without words, I walk up the stairs to his bedroom with him following behind.

  When I turn to face him, his eyes are dark, his pupils wide and I can see all the want and need I feel reflected in his face. My hands begin to shake as I step closer to him, closing the distance between us, my heartbeat drumming loud in my ears, as I’m flooded with warmth.

  I need to touch him, to be close to him, and this can’t be like all the other times we’ve done this. There is so much more meaning in it now than there ever was before.

  I love him.

  I’ve always loved him, but now, I know I can’t live without him.

  I watch Benji lift his shirt over his head; his flat, toned stomach and his perfect chest exposed to me and I suck in a ragged breath. There’s a tattoo that runs down his right side and my hand shakes as I reach out and run my fingers over it. His skin is warm, but his body lines with goose bumps from the touch of my hand and I hear his sharp intake of air as I go back and trace each letter of his tattoo.

  tu me manques

  It’s all in lowercase letters and when I look up at him, he tucks my hair behind my ears, his mouth only inches from mine as he whispers, “It translates to you’re missing from me.”

  He doesn’t need to say any more, I understand the significance behind it, the words holding more meaning than anything he’s said to me. Without each other we’re incomplete and not just the two of us, but our group that was once five.