by Nikki Young
“I thought it was all over,” Samantha starts before I can even begin to console her. I want to, I want to tell her how both Benji and I understand what she’s going through. The loss can be debilitating. “But then…” she begins, looking at Benji and me. “What you’ve told me explains his reaction to his parents’ death. I just wish he would’ve told me,” she whispers, the tears now falling down her cheeks. “They were killed by a drunk driver.”
Samantha buries her face in her hands. It’s hard to make out her words, muffled and through the sobs. Benji squeezes my hand tightly, both of struggling to get through another loss. Another loss that hits far too close to home.
“It was about six months ago,” Samantha mutters. “It tore him apart.” She wipes at her tear-streaked cheeks with her hands as she looks at us. “I think all those memories from the past returned. He was haunted and restless. He became distant and withdrew from everything. I thought he was using again, but he began to obsess over finding Campbell.”
Again Samantha looks at me, her eyes sympathetic. She stops speaking as if she’s trying to choose her words wisely.
“I hated you and I’m sorry for that,” she says, her eyes never leaving mine.
“No apology necessary. I can imagine how all of this looked to you. I have so many regrets, Samantha, and I never expected you to apologize to me. It should be me apologizing to you for all the stress this caused you.”
“I realize now that his need to find you had nothing to do with being in love with you, but everything to do with coping with the death of his parents. He needed to find both of you. You two were the only people who understood what he was going through.”
“Why didn’t he find us?” Benji asks. “He was able to get the letters to us. Why didn’t he just reach out to us?”
“I don’t know. I found the letters with his body. I guess it became too much.” And again Samantha is crying. I want to hug her, tell her it’s going to be okay, but I’m sure those words will be pointless. “How do I ever explain this to Thomas?” Samantha asks, almost begging someone for an answer. “How do we ever move on?”
“You will,” I tell her and when she looks at me the anger and hatred toward me is gone. “It might not be what you expected, but you will. Do you think I expected to lose my best friends, that I’d drink myself to sleep every night and stop talking to the person I fell in love with when I was five?” I ask, shaking my head, answering my own questions. “As much as it hurts now and will probably always hurt, you need to find something that brings you joy. You have to repair what you can.”
Samantha rises from the table and in response, I follow her. She stops in front of me and in that instant, I don’t think about it. I hug her and I feel her stiffen slightly, before she wraps her arms around me and sobs into my shoulder.
I can’t control myself and I’m sobbing along with her as Benji stands next to me, leaning in, he presses a quick kiss to the top of my head. I never thought when we showed up here unannounced that it would end up like this. Samantha’s forgiveness means more than I can ever put into words. And while none of us will ever know the exact reason Tommy took his own life, we can be there for each other.
I pull back from Samantha, both of us still crying, her hands shaking as I take them in mine. “I know you don’t know us, but we want to be here for you and Thomas.” I look over at Benji and he nods in agreement. I can only hope that she’ll allow this, because we need to set things right and this relationship might be our only hope.
“You’re all Thomas has left of his father,” she says clutching my hands. While she doesn’t come right out and say it, I take her response as a yes. I don’t even know where we’ll begin, but at least it’s a starting point.
I didn’t come here to find forgiveness; more to take a step forward in healing. The fact that I found it makes moving on so much easier. I’m not sure where we’ll go from here with Samantha and Thomas, but I’m grateful to her for sharing their story and for allowing us to be a part of Thomas’ life.
We wish Samantha goodbye and leave without saying goodbye to Thomas at her request. She had asked us not to because she wants an opportunity to talk to him about who we are and attempt to explain a few things to him about his father. We have to respect that. We left our contact information and an invitation to visit Benji’s house when the weather gets better. And from here, we can only hope that Samantha allows us to be part of their lives. It’s all we can do.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Benji left this morning and even though I said I would go with him, I stayed behind to pack and also to catch up on all the work I’ve missed. I’m sitting at my desk in my office thinking about how this will probably be the last time I’ll be here. I have plans to finish packing up everything I need and head out in the next day or two for Benji’s. The two of us spent the better part of last night packing so that everything is ready, only leaving a few of the things I need. I have movers coming over the weekend and I’ll be leaving some things behind for the renters I hope to have soon.
Jack has taken care of placing an ad for me and has told me he’ll handle any issues that should arise with renting my house. While I’m sad to leave, I know it’s time to start my life with Benji. Up until now I’ve just been going through the motions, not really living. I’m excited to see where all of this will lead.
“Hey,” Jack says as he comes into my office. “Didn’t think I’d see you today.”
“Yeah, I know. I figured I should get ahead of things before I move. Not sure when I’ll have my office,” I use my fingers to quote the word office, “up and running.” Now that I’ll be working from home, I need to get everything squared away before I can even think about starting work. Even though most of my job is done through email, phone calls and internet research, I’d like to have an office set up in Benji’s house so that I don’t have everything scattered all about. There’s usually a lot of paperwork that goes along with my job.
“I’d really like it if you’d just take some time off,” Jack says firmly, like he’s my father or something. Demanding, but still concerned and it makes me laugh. He’s standing with his hands on his hips, trying to look intimidating, yet failing. He doesn’t scare me.
“Whatever you say, boss,” I tell him, rolling my eyes as I flick my hand in the direction of the door, shooing him away.
“Just take it easy,” he says back. “You’ve been through a lot and just because things seem to be settling down doesn’t mean this move and these changes are going to be easy.”
I love that Jack is voicing his concern for me. This is something that in the past both of us would’ve ignored and right now it makes this move a little more difficult.
“I know. Things are different now, though. I won’t be bottling anything up anymore. I think we both know how that turned out.”
Jack nods with a small smile on his face, but I can tell behind his eyes there’s sadness. Now that we’ve finally started to form a relationship, I’m about to leave. But I don’t intend to forget Jack or everything he has done for me.
I stand up and walk to where he’s standing, reaching up, I wrap my arms around his shoulders as I pull him in for a hug.
“Thanks, Jack.”
“Of course, but I don’t need you going soft on me now. I still need the hard ass bitch who helps run this company. If that goes away, I’m firing your ass.”
I’m laughing now because I know that has been my go-to method for dealing with this job and I often wonder if I’ll be as successful without it.
“No worries, Jack. I can turn it off and on like water from a tap.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Jack says, rolling his eyes. “You and Benji are all, ‘baby this and baby that,’ you’re quite nauseating.”
“Get out, you asshole,” I say, winking at Jack as I shove him out the door.
I spend the entire day at the office catching up so I don’t have the extra work hanging over my head. My phone chimes just as I
’m walking out the door and when I pull it from my purse, I see a text from Benji.
Benji: I’m home and I miss you terribly already. When are you coming home?
I laugh at his text. Jack is right we are nauseating, but I love it.
Me: I miss you too and I’m glad you’re home safe. I’ll be at our house tomorrow night. I promise.
I’ve debated about when I should leave since I will have to come back in three days to deal with the movers, but I don’t want to be away from Benji any longer than I need to. As I’m trying to figure out whether I should contact Jack about being here to help the movers instead, another text comes through.
Benji: I love that you called it our house and I love you.
Without giving it a second thought, I call Jack and ask him if he can take care of getting the movers sorted at the house over the weekend. In the past I never would’ve considered relying on someone else for help, let alone my own brother, but a lot has changed and the fact that he agrees to help me without questioning it, makes me smile.
I finish the night out by tagging everything that will be moved to make it easier on Jack and the movers. Anything that will remain is left on a list on the counter in the kitchen.
And when I finally make it to bed, I’m exhausted but feeling like the weight of everything I’ve carried over the last nine years is gone. It’s like I’m a different person.
I wake early the next morning, my car packed and with Jack seeing me off. I wave goodbye, and as bittersweet as it is to leave my house, my job, and my brother, it’s been a long time coming. I have very few reservations about leaving everything I’ve ever come to know, to start over again. But in a way it isn’t starting over, it’s picking up where I left off. This is the way my life was always supposed to be. It just took me nine years and far too much bullshit to get here.
My car is sliding all over the road the farther I drive north and the slicker the roads get. I don’t dare tell Benji. One, because he’ll worry and two, he’ll definitely make me get a new car immediately. I laugh as I think about how insistent he’ll be about it all, but I also know he worries. After what we’ve been through, the last thing either of us needs is a car accident to scare the shit out of the other one.
When I finally pull in the driveway nine hours later, due to my extra cautious driving, Benji’s truck isn’t here. I knew I should’ve stopped at the shop instead of going straight to the house, but I’m tired of driving and I’m ready to get things settled.
I send Benji a text to let him know I’ve arrived and that I’ll start making dinner. I hear back from him quickly telling me he’s finishing up and should be home within an hour.
Making it easy on myself since I know I have a lot of unpacking to do, I pull out a pot, some noodles, and grab a jar of spaghetti sauce from the pantry. Leaving everything on the counter, I head to the bedroom to begin unpacking and find myself immediately distracted, forgetting all about starting dinner. The boxes are stacked all over the room and some of them have already been unpacked. Benji has made room in the closet and cleared out the dresser for me. He had started putting away some of the stuff I sent him with when he left, but there’s still plenty to do.
The hour passes quickly and before I know it Benji is walking in the door and happily calls out, “Baby, I’m home!”
A ridiculous smile is plastered on my face as I yell back, “I’m in the bedroom!”
I hear Benji take the stairs two at a time, practically running up them and I’m laughing when he walks into the bedroom.
I’m sitting on the floor looking up at him, his hair disheveled, his flannel shirt unbuttoned revealing the white t-shirt underneath, a huge smile across his face. He smells of freshly cut wood and I close my eyes as he leans down to kiss me.
“Welcome home,” he murmurs close to my mouth, his lips softly brushing against mine.
I fall back, laying down on the rug as Benji crawls up my body, the weight of him pressing into me. His face is in the curve of my neck as his lips press tiny kisses against my skin. I wrap my arms around him pulling him closer and enjoying how relaxed and comforted he makes me feel.
“My shoulders are killing me,” I say, as the pain of being slumped over boxes for the last hour hits me. “Will you rub them for me?” I ask.
With his mouth next to my ear, his warm breath against my skin, tickling me and making me smile, he says, “Funny, because my dick is killing me. Will you rub it?”
I burst out laughing, pushing him off me as I sit up. With Benji sitting in front of me, a sly grin on his face, I can’t help but find him completely adorable. “Cheeky boy,” I say, as I kiss the tip of his nose. “How about we have dinner and then you can seduce me with your terrible attempts to lure me into having sex with you.”
“Terrible?” he questions, his hand over his heart as he fakes like I’ve insulted him.
“Yes, baby, terrible. You can do better than that. Actually, you don’t need to. I’m pretty easy. It wouldn’t take much to get me in your bed.”
“Oh, believe me, I know. This coming from the girl who lost her virginity to me in a tent when we were fifteen.”
Benji puts out his hand and I take it as he helps me up off the floor. His beautiful blue eyes are locked on mine as if he’s recalling the memory of that night. He was perfect then and he’s still perfect now.
“Do you ever wonder why our parents still allowed us to sleep in a tent together when they obviously knew we were fooling around?”
“Nope. Never. I didn’t care. I was just happy to get you alone and naked.” He shrugs his shoulders as if that’s seriously the only thing that crossed his mind.
“You’re hopeless.”
And suddenly I find myself locked in his arms as he walks me backward toward the bed. Benji’s hands already under my sweatshirt as he runs them along my spine, his fingers leaving my skin burning everywhere they’ve touched.
“I might be hopeless, but you love me and you love what I do to your body; the way I make you feel.” His voice is deep and throaty and sexy as hell, and if we were planning to eat dinner, it’s definitely been postponed.
“Aren’t you hungry?” I ask, and Benji chuckles, his mouth next to my ear as he begins nipping and sucking on my earlobe.
“Oh, I’ll have something to eat,” he responds, as he lays me down on the bed and his hands immediately move to the waist of the yoga pants I’m wearing. Within seconds he has my pants and my underwear off. Tossing them to the side, he whispers, “You need to wear these pants every single day. Easy access.”
I laugh, my head falling back against the bed as Benji pushes my shirt up exposing my bare stomach. His mouth begins to kiss a path of warm kisses, his teeth grazing as he goes and he stops at my hipbone, biting lightly.
“Benji…” I moan and he settles himself between my legs. My body is aching with anticipation with what he’s about to do. I’m desperate for him.
But he’s teasing me, taking his time. I feel him grip my thighs as his mouth continues kissing and biting as he goes. I’m squirming in his grasp, waiting for that moment when his mouth is finally on me.
“Please,” I beg out loud in frustration, and when his mouth finally touches me, I bury my hands in his hair and call his name again. The word echoing in the silence of the large bedroom.
He’s slow and deliberate, taking his time, making me beg him, and teasing me with his tongue. My hands are pulling at his hair, forcing him closer to my body as my legs begin to shake. I’m close and he knows it and desperately I want more, but he pulls his mouth away from me. His hands leave my body as he slips out of his jeans and begins to kiss his way back up to my mouth.
Before I know it, he’s inside me and we softly moan in unison at the feeling.
“I love the way you feel inside me,” I murmur, my eyes closed. The weight of Benji’s body is pressing against me and there’s nothing like it. I want to be surrounded by him; I want him to cover me. I wrap my arms around him, pulling him closer, a
nd he begins to move slowly.
I feel like I’m on fire and his skin is warm to my touch. I can feel the light sheen of sweat on his back as I dig my nails in, urging him to move faster.
“Faster, harder,” I plead and Benji grins against my mouth as I wrap my legs around his hips.
“Baby, you feel so fucking good. Let me enjoy it,” he murmurs back, his hips pushing against mine.
The tension builds in both of us despite his slow movements and Benji pushes up on his hands. When I open my eyes, I see where our bodies are connected, I see him watching and that’s when I come undone. Calling out his name, I feel him push into me one more time and that’s when he falls apart too. Groaning out his release as his body collapses on top of mine.
Hot and sweaty, both of us exhausted, but sated. We lie together, neither of us moving as I run my hands up and down Benji’s back, feeling the lines of his muscles and the softness of his skin. The perfection of this moment, of this day, and of the last few weeks hits me and reminds me how lucky I am.
I can’t believe this is my life. That after everything we’ve been through, we still have each other, we will still have a life together.
“Are you hungry now?” I ask, as Benji rolls off of me and lets out a low groan. He’s lying on his side, his hand resting on my stomach.
“I am,” he says smiling as he traces a circle around my bellybutton. “But I have something to talk to you about.”
His smile has dropped from his face and his brow is furrowed. I can feel my heart rate increase instantly and now I’m worried about what he has to say. I thought most of our problems were past us, but clearly something has been left out. I look away from him; scared my face will give away everything I’m feeling.
“Okay,” I answer, as he places his hand on my cheek, his finger brushing lightly.
