by Nikki Young
“Look at me,” Benji says, drawing me back to him. “I need to tell Alex and Annie what happened.”
I can feel my body stiffen almost immediately at his words and I adamantly shake my head.
“No,” I respond without giving it any thought. “We agreed that it was on a need to know basis. Our families and Samantha being the only people fully involved in this. No, Benji. No.”
“Campbell, you have to understand, they’ve been with me basically since the accident. My behavior, your behavior, none of it makes sense to them if we don’t tell them what happened.”
I roll away from him and climb out of the bed. Gathering my clothes from the floor, I enter the bathroom and close the door. I can hear the sheets rustling and Benji sighs loudly before he knocks on the door.
“Campbell, please hear me out. I don’t want this to be an argument especially on our first night together.” I hear his head fall against the bathroom door. I know I’m being childish, but he doesn’t understand.
“These are your friends, not mine,” I say through the closed door.
There is judgment and ridicule that comes with telling people. They’re not always as forgiving and as understanding as the people in our life have been so far. What if this ruins Benji’s friendship with them? What if they hate me for running away from him all those years ago? Worse, what if it gets out and people find out what Benji has done? It could ruin his reputation in this town, his business could suffer, and the repercussions could be more than either of us are willing to deal with. It isn’t just about clearing the air and helping Alex and Annie understand, it’s about our lives, which are finally returning to normal. I’d hate to think what could happen.
“It scares me,” I add quietly as I reach for the doorknob, finally admitting what this is really about. It isn’t about keeping the secret from them, it’s about what could happen if we tell them, and not just with Alex and Annie, but with everyone we’ve told.
“They’re your friends now too. Please open the door,” Benji asks again, and I open it to his sad, pleading eyes. Without stopping to think about it at all, he takes me in his arms, hugging me fiercely as he buries his face in my hair. “I don’t want to argue with you, but we need to tell them. Please understand that. I know you’re worried, but they’re our friends, they’ll understand. We owe them an explanation.”
I nod my head. I do understand, but the worry consumes me. “Not now. Can you give it some time, please?” I ask. It all seems so sudden and overwhelming. I was finally starting to calm down and I really don’t want to start over again.
“Whatever you need,” Benji says, and now I feel selfish for even asking.
Maybe he’s right.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Benji is gone when I wake up. That boy wakes up far earlier than I’m used to. I was still burrowed in the duvet when he kissed me goodbye and told me he was heading to the shop to get an early start.
It’s not late by any means and I’m hoping when he gets used to me living here, he’ll start sleeping in or at least sticking around for a morning quickie.
I head downstairs just as the sun is beginning to rise, casting its glow through the floor to ceiling windows and illuminating the beautiful craftsmanship of the house. I grab a cup of coffee and take it up to what will now be my office.
It’s a beautiful room overlooking the small pond on the property. I have a feeling the scenery will prove to be a huge distraction. In Chicago my office looked out onto the building next door, a steel and glass building with little appeal. Actually I was quite lucky I even had a window, so this is a huge change.
Before I arrived, Benji had outfitted the room with the most amazing furniture and not just because it was designed and built by him, but because it somehow fits me perfectly. I couldn’t have picked better furniture and I sometimes wonder if he’d made it specifically for me.
The desk is an a-frame made from reclaimed wood that’s worn and distressed giving it a beautiful aged look. Next to it stands a matching bookshelf and armoire, both are mostly empty, but Benji did attempt to unpack some things in my absence.
I laugh as I think about it. I got a text from him with pictures of books and files asking where I wanted him to put them and after the third text, I told him to just leave it. I know he was just trying to be helpful, but I could tell he was annoyed with my responses, which were too specific.
I flop down into the desk chair, spinning it around as I take it all in. The beautiful view, the custom made furniture, all in this perfect house, in the perfect room with everything I ever dreamed about all sitting right in front of me.
I thought my dreams were lost right along with Sam, Kelly and Tommy. Ripped out from under me and shattered. I never thought I’d be happy again, that I’d find Benji and we’d be living the life we talked about all those years we spent together.
But here I am, smiling and laughing, waking up to a life that has become mine. Up until this moment, my life hasn’t felt complete; it hasn’t felt whole. I will always miss the people I’ve lost, my heart will always ache just a little, but when I found Benji again, it all began to heal.
I’ve been at it for several hours when I hear Benji come in through the front door. He’s not done working. He’d have parked in the garage and come in through the door that connects to the house if he were. It’s still too early in the day and I wonder if he’ll keep the same hours he did before I moved in with him.
“I’m upstairs!” I yell. “In my beautiful office.” I giggle, still in shock that this is all mine. Even the beautiful boy downstairs.
“You hungry?” Benji asks. “I brought food.”
“I’m always hungry.”
Benji is sitting at the bar top on the island with a few slices of pizza on a plate in front of him.
“Pizza?” I question. I know I’ve only been here for a day, but when I spent those few days here with him before there wasn’t a pizza place in sight.
“The gas station recently started selling pizza,” Benji answers, shrugging his shoulders as if he didn’t just buy our lunch from a gas station.
“You bought pizza…from a gas station?”
“I did. Beggars can’t be choosers. Just eat it. Even bad pizza is good. It’s pizza.”
“Baby,” I say, laying on the sympathy. “How did you survive this long without me?”
“I ate a lot of frozen pizza.”
“What am I going to do with you?”
“Love me?” he suggests, and I laugh. I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember.
As we eat, we chat mindlessly about what I’ve gotten done so far and what Benji’s been working on. He’s been playing catch-up since spending so much time with me in Chicago. A lot of orders came in while he was gone and he has a few custom orders to work on. Despite the fact that I’ll still be working, I know it means a lot to Benji to be able to take care of me, so I’m glad his business has been extremely successful.
“I have to ship today,” he says, actually sounding annoyed by the fact that he has to drive into Canada. “I have this huge dining table that was supposed to go out a few days ago. I had the UPS pick up scheduled and had to cancel it.” He looks over at me and gives me a shy smile. “I had to cancel it to apologize to my girl.”
“Sorry,” I answer back, still feeling bad about keeping Tommy’s death a secret from him. We both owed each other apologies and even though it’s past us, I still struggle with the way it all went down.
“No more,” Benji says, shaking his head as he leans over and kisses me. “We’re over this, remember?” I nod, attempting to convince myself as I slide over and rest my head against Benji’s shoulder. He kisses my hair softly before he adds, “It’ll take time, baby, but please know I’m not angry with you about what happened between us after the accident. I never was.”
“I know, thank you. I hope you know I feel the same way.”
“Of course I know,” he responds, his fingers under my chin as he lifts my
head and kisses me again. Smiling now, he asks, “You wanna come with me?”
“Up to Canada?” I ask, and Benji nods as he takes another bite of his pizza. “You know I’d love to, but I really should stay here and get things situated.”
“You’re breaking my heart,” Benji complains jokingly, and I giggle.
“Silly boy, I have a job, remember? Without an office, I can’t work.”
By now Benji has finished eating and is cleaning up; each time he walks by me, he brushes against me or stops to kiss my neck. He’s making it incredibly difficult to say no to him. He’s always been my biggest weakness, my most wonderful flaw, the best thing in my life and nothing has changed. I want to go with him, honestly. I want to be near him always, but that’s unrealistic.
“You never have to work,” Benji replies, a seriousness to his tone.
“I know that, but I want to work.”
Maybe there will come a time when I’m okay with relying on Benji for financial support; after we get married or have kids, but until then, I’d like to contribute.
Benji smiles at me and I know he understands my need to work. He’s never been one to demand things of me and I find it calming that nothing has changed.
I finish eating as Benji sticks the leftover pizza in the refrigerator and readies himself to go back to work.
I watch him pull on his boots, every muscle in his body flexing with his movements. He’s beautiful and perfect and there’s nothing about him that I don’t love. Just watching him makes me question my decision to stay home and unpack.
“Don’t think I don’t see you checking me out,” he says, winking at me from across the room.
I roll my eyes at him as I walk over and swat him on the ass. “Get back to work. You’re far too distracting,” I chide dramatically, and suddenly I find myself pinned against the front door, Benji’s hips pressing against mine, my arms above my head, and his hand locked around my wrist.
When his free hand slides up my shirt and cups my breast, my head falls back and my eyes close. I can feel him trail his warm mouth along my jaw and across my neck, his hot breath igniting my skin until I want to beg him to kiss me, touch me, take me, and then he whispers, “I’ll show you how distracting I can be.”
My body is flush against his and the heat between us feels like hot sparks touching every part of me and just when I think I can’t bear to be this close to him without my hands on his body, he lets go of my wrists.
I immediately slide my hands under his shirt, letting them trail down his firm chest until they reach the waistband of his jeans. I slip my fingers under, but never going any farther as he takes my face in his hands and kisses me fiercely. It makes me weak, my knees practically shaking with an overwhelming need for him.
I moan into Benji’s mouth and I feel him smile as he pulls away. His forehead now resting against mine, a cheeky grin on his face as he says, “I have to get back to work, but we’ll be finishing this later.”
“God, I fucking hope so,” I mutter back, still disoriented from his blatant attempt to distract me but not follow through.
Benji kisses me again, but this time it’s soft and sweet. My body responds and I sink into his arms, once again finding it difficult not to go with him.
“I’ll see you in a few hours,” Benji says, stepping away from me as he puts on his coat and a flash of guilt forces itself in. I want to go with him, but I can’t. We can’t spend every second of our lives together. But before I know it, the guilt is replaced with worry and panic about him driving up to Canada alone.
It’s snowy and the roads are not always clear. They can be slick and at times unsafe for driving. Yet for some reason I can’t make myself voice my concerns. Like if I don’t say it out loud, if I don’t talk about it, nothing bad can possibly happen.
I turn away from Benji, I can’t let him see the worry that has taken over. He’ll recognize it straightaway and the last thing I want is him stressing over all my insecurities. Nothing is going to happen to us.
I thought the same thing nine years ago.
My stomach churns and my chest tightens. I take a deep breath. It’s nothing.
“I’ll see you later,” I tell Benji, a fake smile on my face as I turn to look at him. “I’ll just be here unpacking and bored.” The more I talk, the more natural it feels. That’s exactly what I’ll be doing. This is normal.
We’re normal.
“Baby,” Benji says, and just when I think he’s going to ask me if everything’s okay, if I’m okay, he says, “Can you take some time and think about what we talked about last night? About telling Alex and Annie?”
I nod my head in response. It’s still something I’m not fully comfortable with, but I don’t want it to lead to an argument again and it’s not like I completely disagree with his reasoning for telling them, I just have my reservations. “I will,” I finally respond, and Benji smiles at me.
“I love you, Campbell.”
“I love you too.”
As boring as it is to unpack all these boxes, I’m finding it keeps me busy. I know the movers are coming this weekend with the rest of my things, so it’ll be nice to have all of this sorted before they arrive.
My office is now set up. All my files stored and labeled, along with my desk ready. I could actually start working now if I wanted, but I’d rather knock out the rest of the unpacking and have the evening to relax with Benji.
I move on to the closet and by the time I’m finished I realize I’ve been at this for several hours. Night has taken over, the sky dark, and when I look at the clock, it’s well after seven. Benji has been gone far longer than I would’ve thought.
I look for my phone, realizing it must still be in my office, so I go hunting for it. Finding it on my desk, I see I have a missed text from Benji.
Benji: Running a little behind. Should be home in an hour.
I breathe a sigh of relief until I notice the text is time stamped at a quarter after four. It’s well beyond an hour late.
I can feel myself begin to panic. My heart is racing, my palms growing sweaty as I grip my phone in my hand. I can’t jump to conclusions; I can’t let my irrational side take over, so I call Benji before this gets out of hand.
Straight to voicemail.
By the third call, each one with the same response, I’m well past the panic stage and I don’t even know what to do.
I feel sick to my stomach, yet I’m angry. I want to cry, but then I want to tell myself I’m being stupid.
It can’t happen again.
It won’t happen again.
But even my own words are lost.
I’m standing in the kitchen with my car keys in my hand, not certain about what I’m thinking or what I plan on doing, but knowing I can’t stand here and wait.
The front door opens and just the sound has me running toward it, I don’t even notice it isn’t Benji that comes through it.
It’s Annie.
“Where’s Benji?” I almost scream at her, my words unusually loud in the quiet of the house.
“Campbell,” she says, sensing my panic, not that it’s hard to miss, but her soothing tone does nothing to calm me. “Benji’s truck slid off the road…”
I don’t hear anything else as I shove past her, nearly knocking her over. If she were still talking I wouldn’t know it, because I’m already outside. My keys in my hand, but my feet only covered in socks as I run across the icy and snowy driveway to my car.
This is my worst nightmare come true. It’s happening all over again and all I can think is, I’m going to lose him too. After all this time and everything we’ve been through, this can’t be fucking happening.
But it is.
I’m not thinking about anything else other than finding Benji. I have no idea where he could be or if he’s okay or what I even plan on doing. My only thought is to find him, so I’ll drive until I do.
Chapter Thirty-Five
The road is black, the sky dark, and without streetligh
ts, it’s nearly impossible to see. Right now I hate these fucking country roads. I’m in the goddamn middle of nowhere; a black abyss of nothingness, like the whole town is covered in ink.
I’m not even sure what I’ve set out to do. I left the house in such a frenzy, my thoughts in a jumbled mess of panic and fear, completely propelled by finding Benji. My only thought is to drive the route he would’ve have taken from the shop to the shipping warehouse just over the border. After that I’ve got nothing.
What if I come across his truck, destroyed and mangled on the side of the road? I’m certain I’ll fall apart. Up until this moment I didn’t realize I’m a loose cannon. All it will take is one small event to push me over the edge, especially since I’ve finally become comfortable with the thought of having a normal life. Will I always live with the fear that something horrible is going to happen? That fate will intervene and ruin things for a second time?
My car fishtails as I take a turn too fast and I curse out loud at my stupid car and my inability to drive it in the snow. I slow down despite the fact that my need to find Benji is coursing through me like fire.
My eyes are scanning the road as I drive, but coming up with nothing but emptiness. The roads are deserted and the town is completely shut down. In this vast wasteland of fields and forests, everything looks the same as I leave town and find myself surrounded by absolutely nothing.
I keep looking at the clock, my mind silently pleading to anyone or anything to stop punishing me. Is this my final punishment for what I did all those years ago? Find happiness again, believe it will last, and then watch it get ripped out from under me?
Twenty minutes have passed and there is still no sign of Benji or his truck. If I was panicked before, it has now hit epic proportions. My entire body is shaking under the weight of the stress and I’m pretty sure I’m going to vomit.
I take a deep breath in through my nose and exhale slowly out through my mouth in an attempt to control myself and possibly stop myself from losing whatever I ate today all over my car.
