If You're Willing

by Ivy Symone

  “Why would it matter?”

  Cassie walked upon him aggressively, “Because nigga. I know you be going over their house anyway.”

  “Yeah, I go over there cause that’s where the fuck my kids at,” he countered.

  “But you know what the fuck I’m talking about,” she said angrily. “Always talking about you be over your brother’s house. You still laying up with Jerrica. Probably Melody too. Or maybe you going over to the bitch house who sent you her raggedy ass pussy.”

  Rock was done before the argument could fully grow. “Fuck this shit. Ain’t nobody gotta explain shit to you…Ol’ moody ass. And I damn sho ain’t finna sit here listening to yo mama fucking and yo ass playing around.”

  Before she could come back with something, he had snatched the door open and stormed out. He made sure to slam the door behind himself.

  “Fuck him,” Cassie said under her breath as she locked the door. She headed back to her bedroom. As she was entering, the secondary bedroom's door swung open. And there was her mama, making a futile attempt to cover herself with her black satin robe. If Rock had been in the hallway with Cassie, he would have gotten an eyeful of melon size breasts and a fuzzy vagina.

  “What’s going on out here?” Colette asked as if she was concern.

  Cassie let out a groan filled with disgust and aggravation, and kept walking to her room. This couldn’t be her life; yet here she was living it.

  Chapter 3

  The following Saturday was Genesis’ birthday party and Jazmin had it in the backyard of her and Jah’s new home. Although Cassie didn’t have any kids to attend the party, she was still in attendance. She even brought her younger brother along.

  Romyn was familiar with most of Cassie’s friends, but wasn’t necessarily comfortable with all of them. Cassie had warned him beforehand that a few of her male friends had homophobic tendencies. Romyn was quite comfortable with his sexuality, but he hated being around people that treated him as if he had the plague.

  “Are you okay?” Jazmin asked. She tried to offer him a comforting smile to put him at ease. A few of them sat at one of the tables in the backyard, while others gathered here and there running after the kids. At the moment, Romyn was the only male hanging with the ladies.

  Romyn nodded. He stole a glance at Jazmin’s husband and his male friends. When he shifted his eyes back, Cassie was grinning at him knowingly.

  “What?” he asked. His face blushed with guilt.

  “I know who you’re looking at,” Cassie teased.

  “Shut up,” Romyn hissed. He rolled his eyes, but not before he stole another glance. This time, the object of his mental inquisition caught him looking.

  Cassie lowered her voice. “You want me to hook you up?”

  “Will you stop,” Romyn whispered.

  Jazmin looked at them with suspicion. “What are ya’ll talking about?”

  Romyn shook his head dismissively, “Nothing. Cassie’s being stupid as usual.”

  “Cassie need to be filling these damn goody bags,” Tanya interjected.

  “I am,” Cassie mumbled. “I don’t know why we didn’t just fill all of them up at first.”

  Jazmin said, “Well, I didn’t know this many kids were gonna come. Hush Cassie, and just help me out.”

  Cassie playfully rolled her eyes at her friend. She turned her attention back to Romyn. “So I guess you peeped something, huh?”

  “No,” Romyn said matter-of-factly. He was about to say more, but paused as he noticed someone making their way over to their table. He was immediately flustered and looked away to avoid eye contact.

  “Don’t come over here playing,” Tanya said to Eli. “Unless you plan to fill these little bags, you can go on back down there.”

  Ignoring Tanya, Eli looked at Romyn and asked, “Do I know you?”

  Cassie watched her brother’s light skin turn a shade red as he shook his head emphatically. She sensed her brother’s attraction to Eli. She couldn’t really blame him. She didn’t really know Eli on a personal level, but she had been around him on several occasions. She along with everybody else, had at one time or another questioned his sexuality. He was hard to read. He was every bit metrosexual and meticulous about his grooming. Although he was surrounded by very masculine and thuggish men such as Jah and Rock, he remained comfortable and confident in who he was. Eli was going to be pretty always; that was a given. Cassie had to admit that his flawless appearance coupled with his pretty facial features were a bit intimidating. It was hard to look at him without staring, but it was even harder to not look at him. Like now. He was standing next to her, but talking across her to her brother. She almost didn’t want to breathe.

  However, Cassie was convinced that Eli went both ways. He just kept that other side of him private.

  “Do you know someone named Kreme?” Eli asked.

  When he mentioned that name, Romyn’s eyes widen and his interest roused. Why would Eli know Kreme unless he ran in that “crowd”? And if he did run in that “crowd”, then maybe Romyn’s attraction to Eli was acceptable.

  “I don’t really know him,” Romyn answered. “I have friends that know him.”

  “I’ve seen you at his club before with Corvell,” Eli told him.

  “You know Corvell too?” Romyn asked. Corvell was one of Romyn’s closest friends who was also openly gay. Both he and Romyn had a bad habit of going after down low men that often broke their hearts. But Eli was fine and he wouldn’t mind doing some things with him behind closed doors.

  Romyn let his eyes discreetly take in as much of Eli as he could. He loved a man with pretty eyes, and though Eli’s weren’t a color other than brown, they were the color of sweet lemon tea. His lashes cascaded such a shadow that made it seem as if he had on mascara and eyeliner. Even his natural arched eyebrows seemed professionally etched. Romyn was envious of the wild curls atop Eli’s head that qualified as “good hair”. His hair was tapered precisely to match the sharp lining of his facial hair that formed into a closely shaven beard. His creamy peanut complexion was free of any blemishes unless the empty piercings counted. Having those were questionable, because not too many straight men had an eyebrow and lip piercing along with a nose piercing.

  Romyn guessed Eli to be about six feet with a nice medium build. He could tell he had a muscular body under his fitting shirt. The tattoos on his arms were sexy as fuck to Romyn. And the distressed jeans he had on displayed Eli’s nice ass. Yes, if Eli was indeed openly gay or not, Romyn wouldn’t mind being his special friend.

  “Yeah, I know Corvell,” Eli said. “Ain’t that your boyfriend?”

  And just like that, Romyn had to come to his senses. He did have a boyfriend, but it wasn’t his friend Corvell. Lonzo was his heart, and quickly his lust for another man was about to replace that.

  “No, he isn’t my boyfriend. We’re just really close,” Romyn replied.

  “Tell him I said hey if I don’t see him first down there at Bodiez,” Eli said casually.

  Now Eli really had Romyn curious, because Bodie was owned by the same man that own Club Jouissance. Romyn wondered if Eli knew about that club too. Both of Kreme’s clubs were eccentric, erotic, and risqué. However, there was a difference. Jouissance was for the sexually liberated. It was for the promiscuous, unafraid of sexual exploration. The word Jouissance in French is enjoyment, but connotes pleasure and orgasm. It was exclusive to paying members only. Bodiez was a regular night club open to everyone, mostly a mixed crowd.

  Cassie was thrown by Eli’s ability to speak to her brother so comfortably. Either her assumption about Eli was right, or he simply didn’t care about Romyn being gay.

  “What is Club Jouissance and who is Kreme?” Tanya asked.

  “None of yo business,” Eli said in a playful manner. Then he poked Cassie on the side of her head. Her reaction was to swat at him, but he moved out of the way.

  “Stop it ugly,” Cassie said glaring at him.

  “I know you are but what
am I?” Eli taunted. He managed to get in another poke and said, “Just cause you got edges don’t mean you supposed to keep ‘em nappy. If you can’t get your hair done at least brush that shit.”

  And this was the Eli no one could tolerate. Although people laughed they tried not to. It only fed into his silly behavior.

  “Fuck you,” Cassie mumbled.

  Tanya chuckled, “Cassie, your hair is looking kinda rough though.”

  Cassie smooth her hand over her hair self-consciously. “It ain’t that rough. I ain’t been able to hit Lita up though. Funds a little low.”

  “Ain’t that nigga over there your man?” Eli asked pointing at Rock. “Get some money from him.”

  Cassie waved her hand dismissively and turned up her nose.

  Tanya teased, “Is there trouble in paradise?”

  “What paradise? There ain’t never been a paradise,” Cassie said.

  Jazmin pulled out a chair and sat down. She propped her arm up on her elbow and rested her face in her palm and looked on anxiously. “Do tell. What has happened?”

  Cassie chuckled. “Nothing. Things just ain’t clicking like it did initially.”

  “You know what I think,” Tanya said smacking her lips.

  “Who cares what you think,” Eli said rolling his eyes.

  Tanya looked at Jazmin. “Getcho cousin.”

  “Eli,” Jazmin chided. She looked back at Tanya. “Okay go ahead with your theory.”

  Tanya proceeded. “I think Cassie looked at you and Jah and thought she could have the same thing with Rock. Rock and Jah are two totally different people, honey. And you, Cassie, ain’t no Jazmin.”

  Offended, Cassie asked, “And what does that mean?”

  “It means exactly what she said,” Eli interjected. “You ain’t no Jazmin.”

  Cassie narrowed her eyes at Eli. He responded with an innocent shrug, “What?”

  “I don’t think she was saying anything bad. It’s just that you’re not her,” Romyn clarified. “I think you need to focus on getting a job and don’t worry about Rock. He’s a distraction.”

  “Getting a job?” Jazmin echoed. “She has a job. Right Cassie?”

  Cassie cut her eyes toward her brother. “Thank you for telling my business.”

  Romyn gasped and looked at Cassie apologetically. “I’m sorry. You hadn’t told them.”

  Tanya looked across the table at Cassie like she was crazy. “You ain’t got no job Cassie?”

  There was no use in keeping it a secret from her friends. They would have known eventually. And her hair was a telltale sign. She got her hair done faithfully when she had income.

  “No, I don’t,” she answered. “But I’m looking though.”

  A smile spread across Jazmin’s face. “Eli needs a new assistant. Maybe he can—”

  “He can do what?” Eli interrupted. “I’m good on that; thank you.”

  Jazmin gave Eli a look. “C’mon Eli. Stop being like that. You know you could use the help.”

  “She don’t look like she can assist with anything,” Eli said turning his nose up at Cassie.

  Cassie’s brow furrowed. “Eli, I can learn to be your assistant. Man, I need a job…for real.”

  “I coulda sworn I seen a sign outside the McDonald’s drive-thru right there on Hillsboro Pike that said now hiring. I think you’ll look cute in a McDonald’s uniform,” Eli said without much thought or care as he walked away.

  Tanya laughed at Cassie’s discontented frown. “I can’t stand his ass either.”

  Jazmin waved Eli’s antics off. “Don’t worry about Eli. Just come by Monday.”

  “Well, shit, I want a job down there too,” Tanya said.

  “You have a job,” Jazmin pointed out.

  “But I don’t like it,” Tanya sang with humor. “I need anotha one.”

  If anybody was more certified to be an assistant, Tanya was over Cassie. She really hoped Tanya was joking and wouldn’t compete with her for an opportunity to work at BevyCo.

  _____

  Kris’s expression held the glare of a disgruntled wife as her husband neared her. He already knew she was displeased. The blank look on his face was a testament of that. It was what Eli did when he wanted to disguise how he felt so a person couldn’t read him. But Kris had him figured out.

  “What are you doing?” Eli asked. He took notice of her with lil man's diaper bag on her shoulder and lil man on her hip. She simply cut her eyes at him and turned to walk away.

  Eli followed her and rather than make a scene with his wife, he remained quiet. Instead of going through the house, Kris opted to walk around the side of the house towards the front.

  “Are you leaving?” Eli finally asked when he was sure they were out of everyone’s hearing range.

  “Ain’t that what it look like?” Kris said curtly.

  “Why?”

  She halted her movement to stare at him coldly. “Why do you insist on embarrassing me?”

  “Embarrass how?” Eli was genuinely confused.

  “You know what I mean,” she said.

  “I really don’t or I wouldn’t have asked you.”

  “You and that boy.”

  “What boy?”

  “You don’t think I saw the way ya’ll were staring at each other?” she said angrily.

  “That lil young nigga back there? Cassie’s brother?” he asked for clarification.

  “You know exactly who I’m talking about.”

  Here she goes with this shit, Eli thought. “That’s Cassie’s brother and I told him he looked familiar and asked if he knew someone I knew. That’s all.”

  “But why is he familiar to you? He’s gay Eli!”

  “So!”

  “You don’t think that’s inappropriate? People already accuse you of being gay and I gotta deal with the constant questions. And then as soon as a gay man come around, you know them and be all in their face.”

  “I can’t help who I know. But that doesn’t mean anything. You need to stop being so damn judgmental. Of all people I thought you understood me and—”

  “Understood? Yeah, I thought I did until I see it’s something else.”

  “Something else? You really think I’m gay?” he asked.

  “Brother Yosef said that no man—”

  Eli interrupted her with a sarcastic laugh. “Oh there it is. Brother Yosef. I knew I would hear his name at least once today. What the fuck else is your brother filling your head up with?”

  Kris groaned in frustration and began to walk away again.

  “Kris,” Eli called out. When he saw that she wasn’t stopping, he quickened his steps to catch up with her. “Where are you going?”

  “Home,” she replied over her shoulder.

  “What about Avani?”

  “She’s fine back there with Aunt Livy,” Kris said. “She can stay with you.”

  “Fuck you Kris,” Eli spat. He went from trying to be civil to being angered. “I already know where the fuck you going. You think I’m dumb or some shit.”

  “And why would you care?” she asked in mockery. “Go on back there and throw your dick in that boy’s face. He looked like he was dying to get a sample.”

  “If your ass wasn’t holding this lil boy, I would smack you,” he returned.

  “I wish you would,” Kris taunted.

  “Don’t try me Kris. All the shit you’ve been doing lately deserve an ass whooping,” he said.

  “As if your behavior doesn’t?” she countered. She continued to walk the distance of the driveway to the street.

  At this point, Eli didn’t want to waste any more energy on this exchange. Here lately, the number of arguments had increased. He had become good at keeping their problems on the hush, but he knew eventually people would ask. Right now he just wasn’t ready to deal with it. The complications of their marriage stared him in his face, but often times he ignored it.

  He didn’t know where his Kris went. The Kris that he thought he wanted to be with f
orever. The one he thought would love him for who he was always, just as he had loved her. But she changed. She went from the petite tomboy that would do anything in bed to please him to this very earthy feminine woman that dedicated her whole being to her spiritual beliefs. She had a whole family of sisters, brothers, and elders that she once referred to as her second family. But to Eli, those people had become her first family, and he and the kids were just people that she would make time for when she felt like it. Every time he looked forward to spending quality time with her, she was always on the go to do some studying, mentoring, meditating, worshipping, praying…with Brother Yosef. Eli would need several more sets of hands to count how many times he heard that man’s name in a day. And his and Kris’ sex life had become nonexistent.

  So yes, in the past few months, Eli had turned to “activities” outside the home. And it wasn’t just his failing marriage he was trying to get away from. There was an internal suffering he was trying to cope with, and lately he didn’t feel much like himself. And he missed his older brother, Abe. Although he got on both his brothers' nerves, they loved him for who he was. Ike was home, but it just didn't feel the same without Abe. Eli wished Abe had listened to his wife, Lovely and not left the country. But if Abe was there, he would be able to help Eli through this trying time.

  Eli wasn’t a dummy and he knew Brother Yosef was doing more for Kris than just studying their bible. And that was another thing, this Brother Yosef was a founder and leader of this spiritual movement Kris was dedicated to. He was this self-proclaimed prophet, and to his flock, what he said was golden. Eli swore that man was making up shit and Kris believed it with her gullible ass.

  He began to rotate the wedding band on his finger absent-mindedly as he made his way back to the others. He had to turn his silly face on to hide the hurt. Known in the past for having little patience when it came to women, Eli was really considering calling it quits on his marriage. He didn’t know if he could take another year of the stress.

  _____

  No matter how hard Rock tried to ignore it, he couldn’t help but notice how close Eli had been around Cassie. She always assured him that she didn’t even know Eli like that, but whenever he came around they acted as though they had been best friends. Rock didn’t like that shit.