If You're Willing

by Ivy Symone

  As she made her way to her desk, she noticed that Eli’s office was lit and there were a few of the owners in there talking and laughing. Cassie assumed it wasn’t anything serious or the door would have been closed.

  She sat down and prepared herself for a day of work. Tanya came walking over to her desk with a McDonald’s bag in hand.

  “When you get here?” Tanya asked sitting in her seat.

  “Just now,” she said. She couldn’t contain her excitement. She pulled out the 3-D sonogram and showed it to Tanya.

  “That looks scary,” Tanya grimaced. “I hate 3-D ultrasounds.”

  Cassie laughed.

  “So how far along are you?”

  “According to this, I’m seven weeks and one day.”

  “Damn, your ass is damn near two months pregnant,” Tanya said excitedly. “So we got seven months to prepare for this baby. How do you feel about it now?”

  “I’m happy and looking forward to being a mommy,” Cassie said. She eyed Lu, Antino, and Stefano as they walked by.

  “Have you told Colette?”

  Cassie shook her head. “I don’t want to. It might make her wanna keep hers.”

  “She ain’t got an abortion like she said she was?”

  “No, and I don’t think—” Cassie stopped mid-sentence with her mouth gaped open. She watched Kris come out of Eli’s office laughing. She was holding onto his hand, pulling him along. They looked happy. Eli had a relaxed and care free aura. Cassie didn’t see the Eli that she had grown close to for the past couple of months. She saw the one who wouldn’t have paid her much attention because she was a nobody. She saw the one that was capable of not giving a damn enough to call and check on her.

  Even when he looked at her, his mood didn’t waver. Still holding onto Kris, Eli said, “Hey Cassie. Nice to see you. I’ll be right back; grabbing something to eat. You want anything?”

  Cassie’s first instinct was to hide the sonogram. She swiftly swiped it off the desk and tucked it in the pocket of her pants.

  “Hey Cass,” Kris smiled.

  Cassie noticed right away, that they both were wearing their wedding rings again. Dismal and devastated, Cassie murmured, “Hey. No, I’m good.”

  They moved on, acting like two teenagers in love.

  Tears welled up in her eyes and the hurt was overwhelming. She should have just stayed out the rest of the day. She wasn’t prepared to see him. Not with Kris and looking so happy. All of the joy she felt that morning, was gone.

  She tried to focus on work but it was hard. She avoided Tanya because she didn’t want her to see the hurt in her puffy eyes.

  An hour later, Eli returned by himself. He was still in an upbeat mood. She wondered if he and his wife bid one another farewell with some physical fun. That tortured her soul even more.

  As he passed by her desk, he tapped her back. “Come in my office.”

  She didn’t want to. She didn’t want him to see she had been crying. But she fixed her face as much as she could. She grabbed her tablet, pen and paper before walking in there. She took the seat before his desk as usual.

  “How have you been?” he asked.

  She shrugged her shoulders in a dispirited manner. She avoided eye contact, but she could feel him staring at her intensely.

  “Cassie, I’m sorry for not talking to you while I was gone. I didn’t want anything to distract me or cloud my mind. I had a lot of thinking to sort through,” he explained.

  “So I would have been a distraction?” she asked.

  “Don’t take it personal. I didn’t talk to anyone.”

  Bullshit, she thought. She asked, “I thought you were staying. What happened?”

  “Just missed being home and it didn’t feel like the right time.”

  Her eyes fell to the ring he had on display. She offered him a weak smile, “You and Kris working through your problems?”

  “Maybe. We finally talked and she’s talking about coming back home.”

  “What about the divorce?”

  “As of now, the process has begun. But depending on how things go, we’ll get the process stopped.”

  “I guess that’s a good thing, huh?”

  The brightness in his face disappeared and he searched her face. “Are you alright?”

  She nodded.

  “Cassie, can we talk about what happened—”

  She shook her head emphatically. “It’s in the past so it’s not necessary anymore.”

  Obliging, he said, “Okay.”

  She hesitated when speaking her next words. “I uhm…while you were gone…I was dealing with a lot. My daddy showed up out of the blue wanting a relationship. I’m so mad with Letty right now about that whole situation. It’s just a lot of stuff.”

  “Wow. So your daddy just showed up like that?”

  “Yeah. And Letty discovered she’s pregnant.”

  “Wait. Time out. Colette’s hoe ass is pregnant?”

  “Yeah. She’s talking about an abortion though, but I don’t see her trying to make it happen. And I’m torn because I wanna put her out but she don’t have anywhere else to go.”

  “Damn, that’s messed up,” he uttered.

  She nodded to agree with him. “It is messed up.”

  She let her eyes wander his face, searching for anything that might hint at him wanting her. She finally said, “You look good. You look refreshed. I need to take a vacation like that.”

  “You probably do,” he said. He asked, “Is there anything else I missed.”

  “Personal or work related?”

  “Anything.”

  She thought about it. In a way, she didn’t want to burden him with the news of her pregnancy, but at the same time she felt like he should be aware of it. She took her time speaking.

  “Well, remember that guy I was telling you about? The one I was falling for. I haven’t been with him or seen him in a while. He stopped speaking to me because I flipped out one day.”

  “Why did you flip out?” he asked.

  “Because…his wedding ring was on his finger. It hadn’t been there until this one particular time. To me it was a reminder that nothing would ever come out of what we had going on. It reminded me that he wasn’t mine. And…” her voice trailed while she tried to compose herself. She didn’t want to cry because she probably wouldn’t be able to stop. “I should have just told him that. And I should have let him explain why he had it on, but I shut him out. And in return he shut me out. And now I wish I could talk to him just one more time, but it’s too late.”

  “Why would you need to talk to him one more time?”

  She looked at Eli’s face. She could tell he was becoming unsettled. The smile he had been wearing had disappeared and his brow was pinched in pensively. She hated that she had to do this. She reached in her pocket and pulled out the sonogram. She placed it on the table.

  She watched as he looked at it and his face frowned with puzzlement. Then he picked it up to examine it closer. He placed it back down in front of her. He asked, “You’re pregnant with his baby?”

  Cassie nodded. She could tell Eli was effected by the news, but he tried to maintain his indifference. It was evident he was bothered, and the enthusiasm that was present before was gone.

  “I wish I could tell him, but he hasn’t talked to me,” she said. “I don’t even know how he would take it, but I feel it’s only right that he should be aware of it.” She plucked the sonogram up from the table.

  She stood up wearing a melancholic smile. “So those are all of the things I’ve been dealing with while you were gone. It’s a lot all at once, huh?”

  “It is,” he said absently, as he sat there in thought. It seemed like all of the joy had been sucked right out of him. He couldn’t even look at her.

  She headed out and went back to her desk. She sighed with relief as if some weight had been taken off of her shoulders.

  Chapter 18

  When Eli came home, which was later than usual, he was stress
ed out. He didn’t do a lot of talking. If he did, he was very despondent even when he spoke to the kids. He even went to bed earlier than usual. And now Kris was looking at him, waiting for an explanation to his behavior.

  He couldn’t really explain it. As a matter of fact, he was trying to push that situation out of his head and pretend it didn’t happen. He wasn’t prepared to hear Cassie tell him she was pregnant. That really fucked him up. He couldn’t deny he had feelings for Cassie. But would her having a baby change up everything?

  “What’s wrong Eli?” Kris finally asked.

  “Nothing,” he mumbled. He flipped over on his side, giving her his back.

  “I thought we said we would work on our communication,” she said.

  “I don’t feel like talking right now.”

  “But you’re bothered about something. What happened at work? Did you get into it again with Stefano?”

  “No.”

  “Are you having second thoughts about us?”

  His initial response was to answer her with something neutral. But why should he care about her feelings when she hasn’t cared about his for the past few months. He said, “I don’t think I had a first thought about us. As a matter of fact, I know I’m not giving us any further thought.”

  “Really? That isn’t what you were saying last night. Something or someone must have changed your mind,” Kris said with disappointment. She asked, “While I was away, did you meet someone else?”

  “Yup,” he answered.

  “And you didn’t even hesitate to answer that. It must be serious.” She huffed with contempt.

  “Was your involvement with Yosef serious?”

  “Eli, you said you weren’t going to keep throwing his name up,” she said.

  “Okay, I won’t bring it up anymore.” He rolled his eyes.

  “Can you turn around and look at me?”

  It was funny because when their marriage began unraveling, Eli blamed himself. He felt like he wasn’t everything Kris needed him to be. He compared himself to his brothers and wanted what they had. However, it didn’t take much into the marriage to realize it wasn’t what he truly wanted. But rather than admit that, he tried to make it work. Even though he done what was expected of most husbands, it was something missing. He should have let it go instead of failing Kris as a husband; therefore making it easy for her to fall into the arms of someone like Yosef. He assumed she would accuse his actions as payback, but it really wasn’t.

  He blurted out, “The person I met is about to have a baby. I just found out today.”

  “Really?” she asked in disbelief.

  He was about to turn around so that she could see he was serious, until she said, “So I guess he made the decision to stay with his girlfriend or wife.”

  That aggravated the hell out of Eli that she would say something so stupid. He hopped out of bed, completely annoyed. “I ain’t talking about a goddamn man Kris. Why the fuck would that be the first thing you think? I can’t believe after all this time you think that about me. You never did at first until Yosef got in your head.”

  “Well…” she said as she watched him walk out of the bedroom. She went after him. “Where are you going?”

  “Upstairs.”

  “Wait, I’m sorry,” she said. She grabbed his arm before he hit the corner. “Who is she?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” he said.

  “Is the baby yours?”

  “Did I say she was having my baby?”

  Kris searched his face to see if there was any truth. She said, “So she’s having a baby by someone else and what…that’s bothering you? You wished it was your baby or something? Is this because you wanna replace Elijah with a baby that’s biologically yours?”

  “No. I don’t even want anymore kids. And because of you, I don’t think I want to ever get married again. Hell, I’m not sure if I wanna give another relationship a chance. But I have feelings for her.”

  “So now what? You don’t wanna work things out with me?”

  “I don’t,” he said without hesitance. “I left and thought I had everything figured out. I’m ready to let you go. I was a single father before you, so it ain’t nothing new. I do however want to see where things could go with the new person.”

  “Well, I’m not giving up. I’m your wife and although I hadn’t behaved like it recently, you should give us a try first. Let’s go ahead and stop the divorce and go to counseling. We gotta give this a real try before we just give up.”

  Eli released a frustrated breath. “Did you not just hear anything I said?”

  “I heard all of that Eli,” Kris said firmly. “But what I’m saying to you is that we are married and before getting a divorce we should seek counseling.”

  That was supposed to make sense. It was the right way to approach it, but the idea of doing that didn’t move him. The only thing that was on his mind was Cassie being pregnant.

  Eli shook his head. “Why weren’t you interested in seeking counseling before Yosef?” He didn’t give her a chance to respond. He went upstairs to the guest bedroom and let his mind wander, until he succumbed to sleep.

  _____

  The following morning, Eli got up early. He wasn’t able to sleep much. He tossed and turned thinking about what he needed to do.

  Two hours before his alarm was due to go off, he went ahead and got up. As he entered his bedroom, the sight of Kris sleeping peacefully disgusted him. So many times he wanted to mush her in her face or thump her in the throat just because.

  On his way to the bathroom, he bumped into a chair causing Kris’ purse to tumble over. Half of the contents spilled and he looked back at Kris to see if she had awakened. When she didn’t move, he bent down and quickly looked through only the things that spilled. This way she couldn’t accuse him of invading her privacy. At least that’s how he looked at it.

  She sure did have a lot of receipts from different restaurants. She was feeding musty niggas with his money. That made him mad. He scooped those back in her purse along with her keys. Then a folded piece of paper with handwriting on it caught his attention. He carefully unfolded it so it wouldn’t cause too much noise. It read:

  Sister Kristen M.

  I’m so hurt by your actions. Your behavior, which was embarrassing, at the second Sunday supper along with other outbursts of yours is not congruent with The Family’s practice. I can no longer allow you to destroy the harmony of what we’ve built here. Furthermore, you are risking the lives of the children by fighting. Isa, Gwynn, and Annette are all carrying my children, who are The Family’s future. You were fully aware that you were not the only one. You’ve been the leading lady for a year and somehow you have forgotten the rules. You are no longer fit to continue that role. Gwynn has earned her position. I do expect a formal apology to all of my spiritual wives and to those who witnessed your hostile behavior. Also, I will need you to reimburse The Family for damages you caused to the main house. You are to leave Elijah with me and when the new baby get here, I expect you to hand it over. You have officially been expelled from The Family. Your presence is no longer wanted or needed.

  Brother Yosef

  Eli looked over at her sleeping. He wanted to wake her up and ask her about the letter, but instead he stood there and killed her a thousand times in his head. Was this her plan? Now that she had been expelled, and no longer fit the role of Yosef’s leading lady, she thought she could come back home and act as though everything was okay. Eli was done with this situation.

  He grabbed the pill bottle that also spilled from her purse. It was an over the counter bottle of prenatal vitamins.

  Eli threw both the letter and bottle back in her purse. That just ruined his mood completely. Since he was up, he went ahead and got the kids up and ready. They were cranky and uncooperative because he interrupted their sleep too soon.

  “You can leave Avani here,” Kris said with a yawn. She sat on the bed watching Eli move about.

  “She’s already ready to go.
Besides, I’ve always taken her to Lovely’s,” he explained.

  “Well…okay,” she said. “Me and Elijah might stop by for lunch. Will that be okay?”

  “No, it won’t be okay,” he said. “I’ll probably be working through my lunch. I got a lot of shit to do.”

  “Well, maybe I can just drop something off for you so you won’t have to leave out.”

  “No Kris,” he said firmly. “I got an assistant for that anyway.”

  “Cassie?”

  He didn’t like the way she said Cassie’s name. He looked at her. “Yeah, Cassie. What’s the problem?”

  “If I didn’t know any better, I would think ya’ll had something going on. She wouldn’t be the person you’ve fallen in like with is she? And that Rock guy…he’s the one that got her pregnant.”

  Perturbed, Eli said, “You know what you need to be doing instead of worrying about what I shared with you? How about you get all of your shit and your baby’s shit out of this house.”

  “Are you serious?” Kris asked flabbergasted.

  He cut his eyes at her before he walked away. He could hear her yelling something out, but he tuned her out. He found her annoying now. Or maybe he was easily irritated because of the Cassie situation. This girl had him bothered way more than he thought she would ever be able to do.

  Eli got to work before the others. He didn’t do anything because he couldn’t focus. The image of Cassie’s sonogram kept flashing in his mind. He kept replaying the past two and a half months in his head. Something wasn’t adding up.

  He didn’t know how long he had been sitting in his office lost in thought when he became aware that the workplace had come to life. He looked out the glass wall and could see Cassie, Tanya, and Jazmin having their usual catch-up morning talks. He focused on Cassie.

  For over two months, he watched her. She caught on to her job fast. She was dependable. Sometimes she motivated him to actually work when he didn’t want to. She kept him in check. She paid attention to all his quirks. She was a great listener. She was a good friend.