Ashamed (The Family #3)

by Sam Crescent

  “Yes.” They all spoke in unison.

  “We have to stay in this world, and I don’t see a reason why we can’t make it work for us. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of working to their ways. This is our Family, our lives, and we should be the ones to choose how we live it.” Luiz felt stronger, more in control. He was doing the right thing. He knew he was.

  Glancing over at Raine, he watched her talk with the other women. With his friends by his side, and Raine in his life, he could do anything. Handle every single threat that came his way.

  “We need to get started right away. No new employees,” Donnie said.

  “How are we going to set it up?” Tonio asked.

  “We start tonight,” Jake said. “Each of us takes one building, one set of employees, and write the file. We can do this, and I reckon within a month, we’ll have what we need.”

  He made notes of what they wanted to go onto the employee paperwork, and once breakfast was finished, his friends and their women left.

  Christie rushed to her bedroom, leaving him alone with Raine.

  “Business went okay? You look happy.”

  “I feel happy. I’m hoping it went okay. I don’t know if it did or not.”

  “Do you want to tell me about it?”

  Jake had left the example of what he wanted to do. Luiz went through the same process with Raine.

  “What do you think?”

  “It sounds good. You’ll always be able to identify them on a database as well. Not just on paperwork.”

  “We can’t have too much of a trail that brings them back to us.”

  “You don’t have to. There are people out there that can work on security. Xander knew this guy. What was he called?” Raine frowned. “Keyboard. He called him that. Said the guy was the fastest guy on a keyboard, and that’s what he named him.”

  “How the hell am I supposed to find a guy like that?”

  “I don’t know. Check Xander’s records. He was always preparing for the next stop, the next attack. You’ll find him, if he’s out there wanting to be found.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I decided I’m not going to judge you, and I’m going to do my best to help you.”

  “What brought this change of attitude around?” he asked.

  “Paige and Zara. They’re strong women, and they help their men when they can. I really like that, and it’s what I want to do. I want to help where I can. So, I’ve already found a new school for Christie.” Raine held up her cell phone. “I know you don’t want her going too far. This is fifteen minutes away. It’s expensive, but it also guarantees safety. They have a lot of high profile clients. Celebrities’ kids, politicians’ kids. People like that.”

  “This is normal life?”

  “No, this is a compromise for the two of us. I want us to have as close to a normal life as possible for all of our sakes. This school means we can pick her up every day, drop her off, and she’s protected always. What do you think?”

  He took her phone, and started to read through some of the points that were raised. It looked like a good school, and it was indeed a compromise. “Let’s do it.”

  ****

  “How are you finding life with Luiz?” Paige asked.

  “It’s good.” Raine put away the last of the clothes that had just been delivered that very morning. She had been with Luiz a full week, and the change in life had been crazy. Xander’s loss still hurt her. She had been with him for seven years, and he had meant the world to her. His ashes were on the mantelpiece in the sitting room in the corner of the television. She wanted him to be able to watch his favorite programs, even though it felt silly. He wasn’t there anymore. It didn’t stop her from hoping he was with them in spirit.

  Christie got into the private boarding school, and life was … okay. Her nights were in Luiz’s bed where he held her. Nothing else had happened since their naked shower together. Just having Luiz’s arms wrapped around her made her feel safe and secure. The world was one scary place, and with everything that happened, knowing he was there helped.

  Raine didn’t mind that they hadn’t done anything more since they had been naked in the shower. There were times she missed him, like today. He was out a lot of the time, leaving her to fend for herself. There was always Paige and Zara close, but again, it wasn’t the same. Not really.

  Paige and Zara didn’t always live in the apartment blocks. They had homes, families of their own. Paige was pregnant with her second child. George and Petal were also in school. Life was interesting.

  “Good? That’s it? Good?” Zara asked, walking in with a carton of ice-cream.

  The most thrilling thing Raine had done since she’d gotten to the apartment was to go grocery shopping. Luiz didn’t know how to cook, and it showed. He had cans of beans, and ramen noodles. There were some ready meals in the freezer, and some blue-looking cheese, that was completely moldy, and in no way edible.

  Other than that, she’d not put any of her special touches to the place. The apartment wasn’t hers. She’d done her best to make Christie’s home more comfortable, but again, there was only so much she could do.

  Putting away the last of the shoes, she nodded. “It’s good. I don’t know what more you want me to say.”

  “Are you two together?” Zara asked, talking around a mouthful of food.

  “I think so.”

  She left her room, and went into Christie’s room. The room was a mess. Opening the curtains, she let in a little fresh air by opening the window as well.

  With more light inside, she made Christie’s bed, and gathered up her stray clothes. They had been in a mad rush last night. After picking her up from school, she’d gone to the park, after which they had a quick takeout burger, and did her homework. It was past nine by the time they got home. After a quick wash it was after ten, and they both were exhausted.

  She was trying to distract herself as every day after school, she didn’t want to come straight back to the apartment. It hurt too much as memories of Xander just took over, making it next to impossible to breathe.

  Picking up toys, she gathered the clothes, and walked into the kitchen. The apartment had its own washing machine, and she was grateful.

  “What is going on here?” Paige asked.

  “I don’t know what you mean.” Raine put the laundry into the machine, and turned to face the two women.

  “We’re trying here. Both of us are staying close, trying to help you in any way that we can, and you’re doing everything you can to push us away. I don’t know about Paige here, but I’m feeling a little hurt.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not used to this. It’s nothing personal,” Raine said.

  “What are you not used to?” Paige asked.

  “This. Friends. Talking about boys.”

  “We know that you lost someone, Xander,” Zara said. “That must have been tough.”

  “It was tough. Really tough. I don’t even want to think about it right now, and it’s easier, okay? It’s easier to keep Christie busy, and to be completely exhausted so that by the end of the day, I don’t have to think. I don’t want to think. I just … I want to move on.”

  Luiz was rarely around. Nothing had changed, not really. He joined her late at night, and was gone most mornings. Life was the same. The only difference for Raine, was she didn’t have Xander to keep her company, to help her.

  Every day without fail, Xander would take them home, and they’d do homework. It would be a fun game where they all helped each other to learn. She would make dinner, and Xander would pretend to help. They were a family.

  “I can take this from here,” Luiz said, startling them all.

  She hadn’t heard him enter or join them.

  Paige and Zara said their goodbyes, leaving them alone.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hello.”

  She left the washing machine, grabbing a dust cloth, and getting to work on making the apartment totally clean.

>   “I heard what you said.”

  “Those words were not for your ears.”

  “Did you want me to close them up?”

  “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t listen to something that wasn’t yours.”

  Moving the coasters off the coffee table, she sprayed it with the polish spray, and started to use the cloth.

  “Raine?”

  “What?”

  “Look at me.”

  She didn’t stop wiping the table, but she turned her head to look at him. “What’s the matter?”

  “I want you to talk to me.”

  “I don’t want to talk. If you’d been listening properly you would know that. You would know that I don’t want to talk about anything!”

  “I miss him, too.”

  “No! You don’t get to talk about him. Do you understand? Not right now.” She stood up, and threw the cloth on the table.

  “He wouldn’t want you to be hurting.”

  Tears filled her eyes as she looked at him. “You’re nothing like him.”

  “I know.”

  “Xander cared. He wanted to be there for the two of us. He was there. You’re never around, Luiz. Christie is growing up without a father, and now she doesn’t even have Xander.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why? What are you sorry for? Sorry that you’re a waste of time? Sorry that he’s dead? What the hell are you sorry for?”

  “I’m sorry for everything. For fucking this up. For trying to control everything. For killing one of my friends. Xander, he was the best thing I ever did. Saving him, making sure he was protected. He made me believe I could be a better person, and I’m trying here, Raine. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be a father.”

  “Then try.”

  “My own father sold my sister off to the highest bidder because she was a girl. He used her to make sure his wealth stayed intact. The father I knew beat the living shit out of me every single day to make me a better man. A stronger man. A man who would one day be feared, and he did that. I don’t give a shit about the amount of blood that is on my hands. I’ve killed so damn easily, and that shouldn’t be okay. I shouldn’t be able to look in the mirror, shave, and do all the normal shit that everyone else does.” He slashed his arm through the air. “I know I’m the biggest fuck-up, and that I should be ashamed for the fact that I’ve even had kids. I’m a monster, and I’m doing my best. I am.”

  Raine saw the turmoil in his eyes, the pain that he tried to hide.

  “I can help,” she said, giving into the pain that she had felt for so long.

  “He’s so cold. How can he love Christie?” Raine asked, wiping away her tears.

  “Luiz has a good heart. He’s loyal, Raine. The love he has for Christie goes beyond anyone’s understanding. He doesn’t show it, nor is it easy for him. You’ve got to give him time, and we can show him how to be a good man, a better man, and to trust in his heart.”

  Xander was always the guy full of wisdom.

  “What?” he asked.

  “I can help you be the father you want.”

  “You can?”

  “Yes, of course I can. Xander always believed that you had a lot more to give than you ever gave us. You’ve got to agree to be around us more, though. No more coming in late, or leaving before we get up. You’ve got to be part of Christie’s life.”

  “I will. Does this mean you’re going to be home as well?” he asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “The past week I’ve gotten home by four. You’ve never been here. I’ve waited as long as I can, and you’re never here. I figured you needed time for yourself.”

  She ran fingers through her hair. “I had no idea. I’ve avoided coming home. Crap, I’m so sorry. I guess I’m as much to blame as you.”

  “How about we both pick our girl up from school? Would you like that?” he asked.

  “Yes. I would. She’d love to see you, Luiz. Her birthday is tomorrow.”

  “I got her a birthday present.”

  “So have I. Well, I did have it. It was back at the old house.” The smile fell from her face, and she no longer felt so happy. “I’ll get over this. I did when it was my family. I will do the same with Xander.”

  She glanced over at his ashes, and sighed. One day at a time.

  Chapter Seven

  Until getting Christie from school, Luiz had never thought that his absence would affect his girl so deeply. When she ran toward him and flung herself in his arms, he knew without a doubt that he had fucked up. He should have been there for her long before now. By trying to protect her, he’d screwed up. She wanted him in her life.

  Once they were back at home, Raine left him with Christie to do homework while she made dinner.

  The scents coming from the kitchen were amazing, and both he and Christie had rumbling stomachs. They finished her homework together, and he told her to go wash her hands to get ready for dinner. Inside the kitchen, he watched as Raine pulled the casserole out of the oven, and placed it on the stove.

  “How did you find that?” she asked.

  “I suck at math, and I don’t know if I’m so thick I don’t get it, or the way they’re teaching it now is so complicated.”

  “They’re always trying to advance teaching. You’ll get the hang of it always changing. Did you send her to go and wash her hands?”

  “I did. She’s a good girl, isn’t she?”

  “Yes, and I can certainly say that with a hell of a lot of pride.” She smiled at him. “How do you feel about chicken casserole with buttermilk biscuits?”

  “Love them.”

  “Great. Do you want to set the table?”

  Luiz grabbed some cutlery and plates, heading to the table to see Christie already sitting on one side.

  “Are you hungry, sweetie?” Raine asked.

  “Yes. It smells so amazing.”

  Raine put the casserole on the center of the table, and tucked in, serving them all a piece.

  Luiz watched as Christie put her hands together, and said a little prayer. “Xander said it was important to say a little prayer. There are others who won’t be getting a meal tonight.”

  “He’s right.”

  Picking up his fork, he took a bite, and moaned. “Your aunt is one great cook.”

  “I know. You should try her brownies. They are nice.”

  Raine’s face went a pretty shade of pink. “I like to cook.”

  “Xander always said it helped you deal with frustration.” Christie stumbled over the last word.

  “He didn’t?” Raine asked.

  “Yep. He said you need to learn to chill.”

  “Damn that man. He always thought he was right.”

  Luiz … liked this.

  He’d shared dinner before, only it hadn’t been like this. Throughout he’d spoken with Xander, never giving the girls a thought.

  Christie talked about her day at school as they ate. Once dinner was finished, Raine came out with some ice cream.

  The food, the conversation, everything, was so good. “Why don’t you guys go watch a movie or something?” Raine said. “I’ll clean up this mess.”

  Luiz took Christie’s hand, and got a movie set up.

  “Daddy,” she said.

  “Yes, princess?”

  “Do you love Raine?” she asked.

  “I care about her.”

  “I love her so much. She’s my mommy. Jessica at school told me her mom slaps her bottom when she’s bad. Raine puts me in time out, but she never tells me I’m useless. I don’t want a real mommy when I can have Raine.”

  He held his arms out to her, and Christie walked into them. “I’ll make sure she never leaves us. Okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll go and see how she is doing.”

  Putting Christie onto the sofa, he walked into the kitchen. “Do you want some help?”

  “What about Christie?”

  “She’s a good girl and can wat
ch a movie for a few minutes without us.”

  “Yes, she can. She’s a real darling, isn’t she?”

  Grabbing a towel, he started to dry the dishes. “I didn’t even know that I owned all of this.”

  “You didn’t,” she said with a chuckle. “I had to go and buy everything. I didn’t spend too much money though.”

  “Money is not, and will never be, a problem.” They finished drying their duties. He wiped down the counter while Raine put away the last of the dishes.

  Luiz stood in the doorway as Raine looked around.

  “We’re all clean. We can go join our little angel,” she said.

  That was the truth of it. Christie was their little angel, no one else’s. Raine stood in front of him with a slight frown on her face. “What’s up?” she asked.

  “Nothing. Have you ever had moments of clarity, where something makes sense that has seemed so odd before?”

  “Yeah.”

  “This is one of those moments.” He stepped closer, keeping hold of her gaze. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

  “Luiz?”

  “Not because you went on a date, or to teach some lesson. I’m going to kiss you because I really want to.”

  “Do you think this is a good idea?”

  “Yes. I do.”

  Cupping her cheek, he tilted her head back, and slammed his lips on hers. She released a little moan, and he took advantage of that, sliding his tongue inside her mouth, tasting her, touching her. As he stroked his thumb across her cheek, they both moaned.

  Raine’s hands moved up his chest. She didn’t push him away.

  Up and down.

  Up and down.

  Her hands stroked over his chest.

  His cock swelled, wanting more than anything to bend her over the counter, and take what he wanted.

  Luiz stopped himself, and simply ravished her mouth.

  Pulling away, he stared into her eyes, seeing the twinkle back inside them. “I kissed you because I want to, and I’m going to keep on doing it because I love the taste of your lips.” To emphasize his point, he licked his lips. “Let’s go and see how the movie is getting on.”

  Taking her hand, they walked into the sitting room together. Christie was sitting in the same place that he’d put her. She really was a good girl.