by Nella Tyler
After giving it some thought for a few moments, she shook her head. "No, Maggie, I think you did the right thing. It's unfair. And, for him to think that he can just buy your forgiveness with a bouquet of flowers and a few words is unacceptable."
"What would you have done?" I asked.
Savannah grew quiet for several moments. "To be honest, Maggie, I don't know. The truth is, I know you're attracted to Ben. I know you've been dragging your feet and digging in your heels about dating anyone, and I'm really, really sorry that things have turned out the way they have. I know it's the last thing you need."
I nodded in agreement with everything she said.
"Then again, we could all do with an extra bit of money, couldn't we?" She shrugged.
She waved down my alarm when I glanced up at her in surprise.
"I'm not suggesting you do anything of the sort, Maggie, so don't worry."
"I assure you, Savannah, that I'm not that kind of a woman. I can't be bought. He took it upon himself to do everything that he did. Nobody was pushing him to it, but I want no part of it." I was quiet for several moments. "Savannah, I think he’s counting cards already. He should be damn lucky I haven’t reported him."
She nodded in agreement, but said nothing. I wondered at this. She usually had an opinion about everything. While we had touched upon the subject once before, she seemed to let it slide. I hadn't meant to actually say that I believed that Ben was counting cards, but that it was a possibility. I had merely wanted to tell her what had happened, that he had asked me to help him cheat, which implied that until then, he hadn't been cheating. There was a fine line between cheating and thinking about cheating, but maybe I had just made a faux pas.
"Well," she shrugged again. "If he is cheating, you can be sure that the pit bosses and the eyes in the sky are keeping a watch on him. If that were the case, I would caution you to be extra careful. In fact, if Ben comes to your table tonight, I think you should suggest he go to another table. Even mine. He's been at your table, what, every night for a month now?"
I nodded. "I don't need this kind of trouble, Savannah, you know that. I can't lose my job. It's all I've got!"
"I hear you, girlfriend," she agreed.
At the end of the conversation, I didn't feel any better. I was getting weird vibes from my best friend. What she thinking, really? She had told me how she felt, and I had gotten some emotion off my chest. That would have to be good enough for now.
By the time we finished our brunch, it was time to get to work, and we did just that. I followed her car through the streets of downtown Atlantic City until we got to the casino. I parked my car next to hers and we walked into the casino together, clocked in, took care of our personal belongings, and then, giving each other a high five, we stepped out onto the floor and prepared to start our shifts.
The afternoon and early evening proceeded calmly. It was the middle of the week and things did tend to slow down a little bit. Toward the end of my shift, I began looking around to see if Ben was in the casino, but I didn't see him. I felt an inkling of disappointment, perhaps even a little bit of rejection, but that's what I wanted, wasn't it? I had told him to leave me alone. Maybe, for once, he had listened to me.
Then, when all I was doing was looking forward to getting home and getting some much needed sleep, I saw him walking in. He glanced at me, but then pointedly looked away. What the hell? He walked to another table, Savannah's as a matter of fact, and kept his back turned to me the entire rest of my shift. He didn't try to speak to me, didn't try to win me over, and despite my relief, I couldn't help but feel the sting of rejection. It was so stupid of me.
So stupid for letting him worm his way into my heart in the first place.
I shook it off. I didn't need any man in my life. I would be able to survive on my own, without Ben, without any man. After all, I'd been taking care of myself since my divorce. Who needed a man? I certainly didn't.
*
One night after the next, on every shift, things continued the way they were. Ben began playing at a different Blackjack table, not always Savannah's, but sometimes someone else's. Every night, I watched Ben walk in and felt the same surge of sadness take over me. Then, I would shrug it off and focus on my work. It was better this way. It was best that things had ground to a halt before anything had gotten out of control – before I allowed myself to intertwine my life with his. Night after night, the pain of not seeing him come sit at my table lessened a little bit. By the end of the third day, I was just beginning to feel that I might get through this in one piece.
For the next few days, things proceeded along the same vein. I didn't try to talk to Ben and he didn't try to talk to me. He didn't scowl at me or otherwise bother me, and he seemed his pleasant old self. Was it that easy? Was it so easy for him to move on? Was I so forgettable? Stop it! I told myself. I was the one who had ended the relationship, and quite vehemently at that. I didn't have much interest in talking to him, anyway. It was better this way, wasn't it?
On the fifth evening after I had told him to leave me alone, I was working one of the later shifts. At about midnight, two hours before my shift ended, Ben sauntered in. I had just been glancing around and saw him, and to be honest, my eyes widened in surprise. He didn't look…how could I say this? He looked disheveled. He looked worn out. Stubble darkened his cheeks. His eyes look tired. Of course, I didn't get a super close-up because he passed within about ten feet of my table and his face was turned away as he did so, but I saw his wrinkled shirt, the smudge of something on his tie.
My heart skipped a beat. Was something wrong? This was not the Ben I knew. Never before had I seen him look anything less than put together. I wondered if his appearance had anything to do with me not talking to him or brushing him off so abruptly. Could he possibly be taking the break-up that hard? I doubted it. Ben was a player, and I knew that. Why, he had women fawning all over him all the time.
Although I was a little concerned and did want to ask him what was bothering him, I left him alone, made it a point to ignore him the rest of the evening. I wasn't about to step into the mess all over again. Besides, I convinced myself that I didn't care enough to break the silent treatment I was giving him.
Chapter 4
On the last night of my week’s schedule before I had two days off, Ben didn't come around at all. It bothered me, although I couldn't quite put my finger on why. I think it was because of his appearance the last time I had seen him. He had looked so unkempt, so…unsettled. That was the only word that I could use to describe his appearance, let alone beyond that. His happy-go-lucky demeanor had diminished. Although his back had been to me most of the time, I was always able to pick out his laugh in the crowd, and I hadn't heard it for several days.
I began to wonder if he was dealing with more demons than I had imagined. While I was sort of relieved that he hadn't come around because my job certainly seemed easier, mainly because I didn't feel the eyes of the pit bosses on me or self-conscious about the eyes in the sky, I also figured that if he had really wanted to make up to me, really wanted to pursue our relationship, he certainly could have tried harder.
I had to accept the fact that he had probably moved on. Found another girl. Found a girl that could be bought with a few pleasant words, a few gifts, a few rolls in the hay, so to speak. Had I done the right thing? I brought it up to Savannah and she nodded.
"You know, Maggie, guys are pretty hard to figure out sometimes. As far as I'm concerned, yes, he should've tried harder to get you to forgive him, but then again, you did put your foot down. You're the one that told him to leave you alone, so you have to be satisfied with that."
I supposed she was right, although it didn't make things much easier. To be honest with myself, I missed him. I missed that smile, that sense of humor, that laugh. I didn't miss the stress I had begun to feel toward the end of our brief relationship. I knew Savannah was right, but it didn't make me feel much better. In fact, I began to feel a little guilty.
Had I been too hard on him?
Then, I shook myself. No way. I always let my feelings get in the way of logic and common sense. I wanted to help everyone, "fix" everyone, and I had to realize that that wasn't always possible, or even wanted. He was a big boy. He could take care of himself. If he wanted to date more women, or those who didn't care what he was doing or how he did it, then that was their problem, not mine.
I had to content myself with the fact that he had probably moved on, and that's what I tried to do. I carried on with my shift, pushing any thoughts of Ben far into the recesses of my mind. Tonight, when I got home, I would probably bring all the memories out, and then I would pack them into a nice little box in my mind and put it away. A pleasant interlude and adventure, and now it was done and over with.
Over the following days, I didn't hear anything about Ben, nor did I see him. I slowly got back into the routine of just focusing on my job. I picked up a few extra shifts to make some extra money. Maybe it was because I knew that Ben had so much money, but I decided that if I wanted to get ahead, I had to work even harder and earn more money to put away. I needed to build up an emergency fund or something like it so that if something ever happened, I would always be able to put a roof over my head for a couple of months. It wasn't as easy as it sounded, but focusing on something other than Ben helped me move forward and make efforts to better myself.
Maybe, if I could pull enough shifts to start building up a fund that would take care of groceries and utility bills for a few months, I might even consider going back to school. I supposed I could look into some type of student loan program that didn't cost too much and I might be able to make payment plans on a school program or section of classes on a monthly basis.
By the time my shift ended, I was feeling better about my future. I was moving forward again. Thinking about improving my circumstances. I was actually smiling when I got home – for the first time in quite a while. When I went to bed that night, I felt better than I had in days. I didn't go to sleep at night dreading what the following morning would bring.
*
It was my first day off. I rarely had two days off in a row, and I planned on running errands today, maybe doing a little shopping, and then just hanging out for the rest of today and tomorrow. The downtime would do me good. I tried not to overthink everything, especially in regard to Ben.
I decided that this afternoon I would create a long-term budget, seeing where I could save some money, cut back on something, and start putting some money away not only for an emergency fund, but to get ahead on utility bills and groceries, and perhaps even start taking a little bit of money from every paycheck into a school fund. Instead of dreading the task, I was looking forward to it. This is what I needed. I needed to continue my journey of self-improvement. I didn't need a guy in my life complicating things.
Just as I went into my bedroom to fetch my vacuum cleaner from my closet, I heard my doorbell ring. Odd, I wasn't expecting anyone. It was probably Savannah, wanting to see if I wanted to go shopping with her. Smiling, I walked to the front door and glanced through the peephole. My heart suddenly began to trip hammer in my chest. I felt a myriad of emotions. Joy. Annoyance. Hope, followed quickly by pain. It was Ben.
I sighed, rolled my eyes, and wondered if I should open the door. I supposed if I didn't, he would just return. After all, he knew where I lived.
"What you want, Ben?" I asked through the door.
"Let me in, would you, Maggie? I really want to talk to you."
"What is there left to say?" I said. I tried to keep my voice firm. The sight of him standing out there looking so forlorn tugged at my heartstrings, dammit. While he still looked tired, he had shaved. Still, his hair was more tousled than usual, and though he wore a T-shirt and jeans, I could tell that they were wrinkled, as if he’d slept in them.
"Please, Maggie, let me in, okay?"
I don't know why, but I did. I let him inside. I displayed none of my emotions, trying to keep my face and expression as blank as possible. Dammit! I had just gotten to the point where I had convinced myself that I had gotten over him, but just seeing him made my heart race. There was no denying my sexual attraction to him.
I stepped back, gestured for him to enter, and he immediately walked over to my sofa. My ratty, used, afghan-covered sofa. He sat down. I decided that the least I could do at this point was hear him out. I sat down on the opposite end of the couch and gestured for him to go ahead. He certainly looked apologetic, but I had gone through all that not only with him, but with my ex-husband, as well. Sorry only went so far. A person could only take so many “I’m sorry” stories before they began to sound meaningless and trite.
"I'm sorry for putting you in the position that I did," he began bluntly.
He looked at me. "I never meant to hurt your feelings, Maggie, really. I wasn't thinking. I should've known better."
He looked at me, but I didn't say anything. I gestured for him to continue. "I'm telling you the truth, and it may hurt a little bit to hear it, but I came here to be honest, and so that's exactly what I'm going to be. I have to be honest and tell you that initially, I started going to your Blackjack table every night because I did eventually want to elicit your help.”
I knew I shouldn’t have been shocked and tried to tamp down the feelings of hurt that his words elicited.
“But the more often I went, the more often I saw the kind of person you were and to appreciate not only your outward beauty, but your inner beauty. I wanted to get to know you better for who you were."
Of course, my heart sank when he told me that he had originally approached my table because he wanted me to help him cheat. To be honest, as he said, his words made me feel like crap. But I was the one who wanted honesty from him, so at least there was that. I refused to cry. To think that the reason he had first sat down at my table those first nights, being so friendly, charming, and attentive was because he wanted to use me cut deeper than anything I had experienced since my husband's betrayal. I couldn't lie about that.
"The first time we went out, Maggie, that first dinner date and then the Jacuzzi and what happened afterward… I’m being honest with you when I tell you that I really enjoyed being with you. Thoughts of asking you to help me didn't enter into that part of our relationship."
I watched as he paused, glancing down at his hands, resting on his knees, and then he continued.
"The more time we spent together, the more I began to feel an intense attraction for you. Not only because you're so beautiful, but because you're such a kind, compassionate, and honest person."
I had to be honest, as well, and I did feel rather skeptical. I tried my best not to smile. If he thought me to be such an honest person, then why in heaven’s name had he asked me to cheat for him? Was he just stating platitudes? How many times had I heard those before? I had heard plenty from my ex-husband, but it hadn't stopped him from being a total jerk. I got the impression that Ben understood what I was thinking.
"I understand that you're angry with me, and you have every right to be." He lifted a hand, as if he was going to place it on my shoulder, but then changed his mind.
"I want to make it up to you, Maggie."
I shook my head. "How do you intend to do that, Ben? You can't take your words back. And don't think that gifts are going to do it because, as you know, that's not what I'm all about."
He shook his head. "The only reason I gave you all those gifts was because I didn't want to lose you-"
"And, I already told you, Ben. I can't be bought with money or material things. If you knew me at all, you would understand that." I was beginning to grow angry. Was this going to be the same song and dance that I had heard so many times before? I knew I might be unfair due to my history and my suspicion, but I couldn't help but be wary. I had fallen for those make-up words so many times before it wasn't funny.
"Maggie-"
"I've already told you that I'm not like that. Your money, it's nice, no doubt about it. You'r
e very fortunate to have so much that you don't have to worry about how you’re going to pay your next bill, keep a roof over your head, or fall back on something in an emergency. But you see, Ben, I don't have that luxury, and when I do, it's going to damn well be because I've earned it, not because somebody gave it to me. Is that so hard for you to understand?"
He shook his head. "I've never met anyone like you, Maggie. I screwed up. I didn't-"
"So you're used to going out with women who you can buy off with trinkets and baubles, fancy cars and expensive food… I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Money does buy a lot of perks, after all." He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but I held up my own hand. "I did have a good time going to those places with you, Ben – the expensive restaurants, your fancy house. I can't lie and say that I didn't enjoy it. Riding in your limo was fun because I've never done that before. But that's not why I was attracted to you. Money isn't everything, and it's not worth a hill of beans compared to other things in life."
"Maggie-"
I felt a sheen of tears burn in my eyes. "I may not have a lot, Ben, and the stuff I have may be ratty and secondhand, but it's mine. And yes, I live paycheck to paycheck, but you know what? I don't have anything to feel guilty about when I go to bed at night. I put in a hard day’s work for my pay. I might not have everything I want, but I have enough to get by. For now, getting buy is all I can deal with."
"Maggie, let me-"
"Let me finish, Ben. I don't plan on doing this forever. I plan on doing something bigger and better with my life. You don't have to worry about money, and you can do anything, be anything that you want. I don't even know what you do for a living, or even if you have a job. All I know about you is that you gamble every night. I don't know if you're addicted to it, and at this point I just don't care.”
