Those Mid-Life Blues

by Caroline Campbell

  It was disturbing and Martin and Mark were very concerned. They’d been friends for ten years now and the only time they’d known Tony be this quiet was when Man United lost the 2007 semi-finals and again when Mary thought she was pregnant, which was only six months ago.

  The waitress appeared with their order and carefully placed their drinks on the table. She scurried off and returned with Mark’s pecan pie and whipped cream. It was a shame she wasn’t five years older, thought Mark. She had a cute little figure but he resigned himself to the fact that there were plenty of women out there waiting for him. He sipped his Diet Coke and bit into his pecan pie. With his mouth full he managed to mumble, ‘Is it work?’

  Tony removed his glasses. ‘No it’s not work,’ he answered quickly.

  Martin noticed Tony’s eyes were piercingly red. It was obvious he hadn’t slept.

  ‘Is it Mary, are there problems at home?’ Again there was no reply.

  Mark wiped his mouth with a napkin before biting into the remaining piece of pecan pie with his extra helping of whipped cream. He raised his head up from his plate, looked at Tony and Martin and then out popped the next question.

  ‘Don’t tell me Mary’s having an affair?’ As soon as the words left his mouth Mark realised what he’d said. Martin buried his head in his hands and Tony’s face went bright red and his eyes darted fiercely between them.

  ‘No, she’s not having an affair. What I mean is: I don’t think she’s having an affair.’ He paused for a moment.

  ‘I mean I wouldn’t blame her, after all a woman’s got her needs, right?’

  Mark was finding it difficult to take it all in. Tony was blowing hot and cold.

  ‘A woman's got needs just like a man, right?’ Martin’s nod of his head, indicated he was in agreement.

  ‘What's the matter, buddy?’ Mark placed his arm around Tony's shoulder but Tony quickly shirked away. Mark took the hint and sat back in his chair.

  ‘Things can’t be that bad eh, nothing you can’t handle Tony. Ok, so you’re a bit low; we’ve all been there when things just get on top of us.’ said Martin in an attempt to console him.

  ‘Yeah,’ echoed Mark.

  ‘Things can’t be that bad.’ Tony paused for a moment and then continued. ‘Is that right? Well Mr Truman and Mr Richards. Let me tell you just how bad it is, I’ll tell you. I’m thirty-nine approaching forty. I’m losing my hair as you so rightly pointed out, Mark.’

  ‘Tony will you keep your voice down!’

  But Tony ignored him, clenched his teeth and continued, ‘my soldier, oh yes, my soldier won’t rise to the occasion, if you get my drift.’

  Tony had his moments and could be eccentric depending on his mood, but this was totally out of character, thought Martin.

  ‘Take your time buddy.’ said Martin as he patted him on the back.

  ‘I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight any more, I’m a failure.’ Tony rubbed his eyes again and whispered. ‘Life couldn’t be any worse for me than it is right now.’

  ‘Tony, you’re not making any sense,’ Mark whispered back.

  ‘Guys, nothing makes sense anymore.’

  ‘Go on Tony, take your time and why are we whispering?’

  Tony took a deep breath. ‘It’s Mary. She thinks I’m having an affair, there it’s out.’ He punched his fist into mid-air then tried his best to wipe a tear from his eye before collapsing into a flood of tears.

  Martin grabbed a paper napkin and placed it in Tony’s hand. It was a very awkward moment and he wasn’t quite sure what to say next.

  Mark was in shock and cursed himself for having such a big mouth. Of all the questions he could have asked it had to be that one. ‘It’s OK, Tony.’

  ‘No, it’s not OK, Martin, it’s not OK at all.’ He took a deep breath and continued in auto pilot. ‘It all happened last week, actually it was the day before I flew out to California. Mary phones me at the studio and tells me to rush home. I drive home in a mad panic – come to think of it, it’s God’s saving grace why I wasn’t booked for speeding. Anyway guys, I rush home thinking she’s ill or worse still someone’s died, only to find her virtually butt-naked waiting for me at the front door.’

  Mark loosened his collar. Mary was a very attractive woman with a great figure and for a moment he imagined her virtually butt-naked. The thought made him gulp down the rest of his diet coke.

  Martin rubbed his head in total disbelief. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘Do you think you should be telling us this?’

  ‘Why not, Martin, I can talk to you guys, can’t I?’

  ‘Sure you can, Tony.’ Martin crossed his legs. After all this was like listening in, to one of those sex lines. Tony was pouring out his heart, totally oblivious to the fact that he was actually arousing his friends in the process. It wasn’t the done thing, to imagine your best friend’s wife, virtually butt-naked much less totally naked; only in this instance exceptions could be made, thought Mark.

  ‘There she is guys, standing in front of me as I said, more or less naked and of course you’ve probably figured out that she’d taken off the lingerie. Well, she’s standing in front of me with nothing on except for these black thigh-high boots.’ ‘Barry White is playing in the background; candles are burning all over the place. It was beautiful … absolutely beautiful. Anyway she leads me up the stairs and into the bedroom. Honestly guys, you should have seen her kissing on me like there was no tomorrow, it was great, right?’ Martin suddenly felt a hot flush come over him.

  ‘I dare say it must have been’ answered Martin, but I’m really not sure you should go any further.’

  Mark interjected, ‘continue Tony, it’s ok!’ whilst licking his lips as he grinned at the thought.

  ‘Anyway we enter the bedroom and she throws me on the bed. I mean she’s ripping my Versace trousers off my legs while successfully breaking my zipper to get to Larry.’ Martin’s eyes widened and Mark beamed with excitement

  ‘Well … she then takes Larry in her hands.’

  Whatever’s coming up next is probably going to blow our heads right off our bodies, thought Mark.

  Tony paused for a while.

  ‘What next, Tony?’

  Tony shook his head and answered Mark’s question. ‘What next? Exactly that, there is no “what next.” Larry simply wouldn’t rise to the occasion.’

  ‘You’re joking, right. You’re pulling my chain Tony.’ Now Mark was laughing uncontrollably.

  ‘Please don’t tell me your wife wanted you to give her one and you couldn’t get it up. I guess as Barry White would say: she loves you just the way you are. You mean you couldn’t even manage a knee trembler?’ Tony jumped up and went for Mark’s neck but fortunately Martin managed to pull Tony off.

  ‘You stupid scumbag, Mark!’ shouted Tony.

  ‘Tony calm down, we’re in a public place.’ whispered Martin. ‘There could be undercover reporters in the house and we’re drawing attention to ourselves.’ Martin gave Mark a sharp look. Tony looked pale and Mark was trying to compose himself and play it cool.

  A few people looked over at them but fortunately for Tony his rough exterior hid the more polished appearance the public were accustomed to seeing so no one really paid that much notice.

  ‘Come on, Tony, sit down.’ Martin patted him on the back.

  ‘I’m sorry man,’ Mark echoed, ‘it was just a joke.’

  Martin gave Mark another sharp look. His tone was now quite harsh. ‘Mark if you so much as breathe, I’ll take my best swing at you.’

  Mark smiled nervously then felt his neck. It was a bit sore but no real damage had been done. ‘OK, Tony, sit down buddy and tell us everything. What happened?’

  ‘I don’t know if I want to continue. I mean Mark may just be a tad too sensitive.’

  ‘Tony, Mark swears he’ll never make a wisecrack again. Isn’t that right Mark, you’re not going to be an immature fool, are you Mark?’
>
  ‘I’m sorry.’ Mark pulled on Tony's sleeve. ‘Sit down, please. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.’

  Tony sat down, took a handkerchief from his jacket pocket, blew his nose then swung his chair around to face Martin. He completely ignored Mark and went into autopilot again.

  ‘What can I say, we’ve been married for twenty years and this had never, ever happened before. You can imagine Mary was upset. She swore I was having an affair and then of course we couldn’t talk about it because of my stupid trip to the States the following day. Anyway when I returned from the States, I went straight to the studio to clear up a few things but then you wouldn’t believe what happened next?’

  Martin and Mark were certainly intrigued and it really didn’t take much for the very mention of Mary’s name to trigger their imagination into a state of lustfulness again.

  ‘Mary came by the office but I wasn’t expecting her. She usually calls when she's coming by but on that day out of the blue she just showed up. As you know guys, Denise is on maternity leave so I hired this assistant. It just so happens she’s got legs up to her neck, large breasts and a little bottom that would call any man’s soldier to stand to attention. That is any man except me.’

  ‘I don’t do small bottoms, large breasts but small bottoms, no way. A woman’s gotta have a bottom, a real woman has a bottom,’ said Martin and he was very adamant about what he perceived to be the best attributes of a real woman’s physique.

  ‘She sounds hot,’ said Mark.

  ‘Mark, I can appreciate a sexy woman but that’s as far as it goes. Anyway, as I was saying, Mary takes one look at Sadie, slaps me bang in the face and storms out of the studio shouting “cheater.” Shame, humiliation, name every emotion under the sun, I felt it.’

  ‘Wow, that’s some heavy stuff, Tony.’ Martin felt it for Tony but Mark was holding his stomach to contain himself from bursting at the seams with laughter.

  ‘I told Sadie to take the following week off. As you can imagine she found the whole thing hilarious but under the circumstances she really was quite sweet. She tried to assure me that Mary was suffering from premenstrual tension but she was wrong. If Sadie only knew what happened in the bedroom and how I cocked up she’d understand the bigger picture.’

  Mark bit his bottom lip to prevent another bout of laughter. The words cocked up and bigger picture had him choked but he really didn’t want Tony going for his throat again. If his date with Beverly King went to plan he’d need his tonsils for tonight.

  ‘Guys, it’s been four days since that little episode and Mary doesn’t want to talk about it. I can see it in the early edition of tomorrow's Daily Star or the Daily Mail. MARY FILES FOR DIVORCE. HEADLINE NEWS ... TONY MANNING, FAMOUS INTERIOR DESIGNER, FAILS TO GET IT UP FOR MARY ... TONY MANNING UNABLE TO KEEP HIS WIFE HAPPY IN THE BEDROOM ... shall I go on ... shall I?’ There was now a trickle of sweat on his brow and his hands were shaking.

  ‘Tony, don’t worry about it. Mary’s not going to divorce you because you couldn’t get Larry up on that one occasion,’ said Mark. ‘I mean it’s never happened to me before, but it may well do in the future. But I must admit, what I find intriguing is how you’ve managed to remain faithful to Mary for twenty years, I mean she’s a sexy woman, she is, but just suppose you met a sex bomb, I mean in your industry you meet women all the time. Well imagine she’s working her stuff; let’s say it’s Sadie and she fancies you rotten. You know, she gives you the come-on and has a great pair of tits and ass, are you telling us you wouldn’t give her one? Are you honestly telling me, you wouldn’t bone her if given half the chance?’

  ‘No, Mark, I wouldn’t give her one as you put it, some of us can be faithful.’

  Martin posed the next question. ‘OK, I know that’s not the issue here and I can appreciate you’re going through a really difficult time right now but are you saying you’ve never, ever, been unfaithful, not once. Are you telling us you’ve never had a quick romp with someone, anyone?’

  ‘I don’t believe you guys. Here I am pouring my heart out to you, confiding in you both with a very sensitive issue and all you can do, Mark, is laugh. And as for you, Martin, you want me to confirm whether or not I’ve been unfaithful because you never could.’ He looked at them both with disappointment in his eyes.

  ‘Men aren’t all the same. Some of us can be faithful but you can’t handle that, can you guys? You can’t handle the fact that I’ve been faithful for over twenty years. I can tell by the expression on your faces, look at you, you’re both surprised.’ And they both couldn’t deny it. ‘We never discussed it before. I just presumed you were shagging the pants off Helena Hughes who used to be your assistant.’

  ‘Martin, please … Helena Hughes?’ Tony’s voice rose slightly. ‘I’ve been tempted, make no qualms about that. I’ve met some beautiful women, many of whom I’ve been attracted to. I mean I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t attracted to other women, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go off and have an affair. I have never, I repeat, I’ve never, ever done the dirty on Mary.’

  Martin sat back in his chair and rubbed his legs. What a surprise, he really thought Tony had got his groove on with Helena Hughes a few years ago. They got on so well together, after all Helena was a babe with red hair, sexy, pouting lips and a great backside. If he’d known back then that Tony wasn’t shagging her he’d have made his moves on her when he had the chance to but that was before she moved to Australia, New Zealand, Tim Buck Two or wherever it was she’d moved to. Men couldn’t be faithful, it wasn’t possible or maybe it was, as Tony had proved. He had no need to lie, thought Martin.

  Anyway there was no time to think about that, the what-ifs or his missed opportunity, if that were possible. Shagging the pants of Helena Hughes was neither here nor there at the moment. He redirected his attention to Tony’s crisis and tried his best to reassure his troubled friend. ‘So you couldn’t get it up, it happens. Maybe you’re stressed about something or maybe you’re just working too hard.’

  Mark was hesitant to ask but he thought, what the heck – it was a serious question. ‘Have you seen your doctor yet?’

  ‘Yes I saw my consultant yesterday.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘He’s arranged a couple of routine tests.’

  ‘Did he say what the problem could be?’

  ‘It could be a number of things, Mark. It could be psychological, probably nothing Viagra couldn’t cure, only it’s not for me.’

  ‘OK ... OK … Mark; please leave this one to me. Dr Martin Truman is in the house.’ Martin turned to face Tony. ‘It’s simple, Tony, and I’ve got the prognosis. You, my friend, are going through what is known as a mid-life crisis. I’m absolutely sure of it. I know because I’ve experienced it to some extent.’

  ‘Oh, so you’ve got the big expose on the subject, have you, Martin?’

  Mark wasn’t convinced but Martin continued. ‘Tony my friend, I’ve experienced many things. Now you both know how I used to be, I’d pull anything and everything that moved in a skirt and I mean anything. Given half the chance, I still try.’ The smirk on Mark’s face was confirmation of how true that statement was but Tony listened attentively.

  ‘Yes, it may be funny to you now but when you’re depressed it’s not funny and, believe me, at the time I was depressed. You see it wasn’t so long ago and unknown to you guys I was going through a bad patch. I can admit it, now. I mean what the heck, we’re friends right! I felt helpless, depressed, insecure, lonely, fat and old.’

  ‘Nothing’s changed then.’

  ‘I’ll ignore that remark, Richards.’

  ‘It’s like this, Tony. I felt I needed to prove myself. There I was approaching middle age and it scared me. I wanted to prove I could still pull women just like I did when I was twenty-one. You’ve got to admit I was the master player.’

  ‘Yeah you pulled some funky-looking women.’

  ‘Mark, will you shut up. Anyway, as I was saying Tony, I guess I wanted to proj
ect this macho sort of image but yeah I’ve been low. I mean there were times when I didn’t want to look in the mirror, when I couldn’t face the image that looked back at me but I’m learning how to accept myself. I mean, I still struggle with stuff, that’s why I practise self-help techniques.’

  ‘You do what?’ asked Mark.

  ‘I look in the mirror every day and I tell myself I’m gorgeous.’

  ‘OK, Martin, that’s all we need to know.’

  Martin ignored Mark and continued his overview on the mid-life crisis. ‘I felt as though time was passing me by. I’d look at myself in the mirror and think, “You’re getting old, Martin” and I felt old. Do you understand what I’m saying, Tony?’

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘The age lines appeared and grey hairs in my nose started to grow. Now Tony, you know when those grey hairs start to grow in your nose, you’re getting old, right, Tony?’

  ‘Yeah, you’re right.’ Tony relaxed his shoulders and was feeling a little less tense now.

  ‘You haven’t got any grey hairs in your nose Tony. Have you buddy?’

  ‘Not that I’ve noticed.’

  ‘Do you know guys I came so close to having plastic surgery last year?’

  ‘What did you say?’ Mark was horrified. ‘I’ve heard it all today.’

  ‘I decided against it,’ Martin went on, ignoring Mark. ‘I mean you hear all those horror stories of people dying under the knife and looking far worse than they did before surgery.’ Martin kept his focus on Tony.

  ‘Sometimes I wear makeup – oh and L’Oréal have brought out a good moisturiser for men to smooth out those annoying fine lines, you ought to try it Tony.’

  Tony paid close attention and Mark shook his head in disgust. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around the makeup. It was OK if you were an actor, you had to wear makeup for the cameras but come on now, men wearing makeup for the sake of it. No, no, no, no, he thought.