Those Mid-Life Blues

by Caroline Campbell

  ‘Martin—’

  ‘I haven’t finished Joan. Will you marry me when I commit myself to God for all the right reasons?’

  There was a long pause before she answered.

  ‘Yes, I’ll marry you but only when you commit yourself to God, and for the right reasons.’

  Later that night after she’d left, he stood in front of his bathroom mirror as was custom: he had a heart-to-heart with his reflection.

  ‘Look at you Martin; you handsome, drop-dead gorgeous guy. You’re in love and it’s great. OK, so it’s not the way you thought it would be – you know, you tell her you love her and then you’re supposed to take her into the bedroom, the bathroom, the closet, wherever possible and make passionate love to her; not have conditions placed on the relationship.

  ‘However, you love her and so you’ll wait, won’t you, Martin. You’ll do the right thing, won’t you, Martin. Actually if I were you, I’d go and see the pastor, tell him you’d like to start visiting the church and take it from there. It’s not going to be easy now. If you do this, you do it for you because you want that connection with God more than you want to be with Joan.’

  He wondered if that were possible. Would he be doing it for Joan or for himself or was he trying to convince himself otherwise because deep down in his heart all he wanted was Joan? He wondered what Tony and Mark would say now. He’d more than likely crack a joke but that was Mark. Tony – well, Tony was a man of wisdom, he’d have his own advice but the bottom line is he’d support Martin all the way, regardless.

  It was 12.30 pm when Martin sat up in bed as he mulled things over in his mind; then he did something he’d never done before. He pulled out his bedside drawer, reached for a pen and notepad and wrote a letter to God.

  Dear God

  Yep, it’s me again. I feel good about the future. Forgive me for all the wrong things I’ve done; for hurting so many women who tried to get close to me but I couldn’t because I was afraid. I’m not afraid anymore because I’ve found love and I’m not afraid because I know that it’s you who brought Joan into my life. I want to be a better person God so help me to be just that, a better person and to make the difference in this world. Oh and God I pray for world peace, for those who are unhappy with their lives that they may know you. I want to know you, God, for myself more and more and not because I want to marry Joan. Ok, God, well I can’t lie but I’d love to marry Joan.

  Amen.

  He placed the pen and notepad back in the drawer and closed it. He thought about Martha, Peggy, buxom blonde Betty, Ginger, Adele, Cynthia, Marsha, Angela, Susan, Monica, Rosie, curvy Karen, skinny Helen – she was too skinny; Rita, Anita, leggy Linda, she had legs up to her neck, good legs, good times. Then there was Tisha, Eva, Janet, miserable Maria with amazing green eyes and he thought about the twenty or so other women whose names he couldn’t remember. Those names were synonymous with his player days. In many ways he regretted some of those sexual experiences. He regretted the hurt and pain he caused to many women but that was all behind him now. He let it go and now, whatever the future held for him, he’d embrace life with experience and learn from his past mistakes.

  Chapter 14- New beginnings

  It was the morning after the big birthday celebration. Tony woke up, stretched his arms above his head and walked over to the balcony.

  The cleaning agency had done a wonderful job cleaning all of the rubbish last night. As agreed, they returned in the morning to do a thorough clean.

  There was still the odd coat here and there; a handbag, someone’s shawl and a pair of knickers. The tall young man from the cleaning agency was finishing up. Tony watched as he placed some coats in a bag along with the other collectibles including the bright pink knickers. Tony wondered if those pink knickers belonged to Petra; the belly dancer. After they’d brought Mark upstairs to lie down in the guest room, she’d drunk some more, thrown up, drunk some coffee, sobered herself up a little and then starting drinking again. She then found herself another beau and was off with him; somewhere in the bushes according to Mary, who’d been told by the head waitress, who’d been told by Petra’s fellow dancers and they certainly weren’t too pleased with her.

  Tony watched Mary as she slept. She murmured twice in her sleep. He hoped she was dreaming good dreams but he also wanted to wake her: tell her he loved her, make love to her but that could wait. They had all the time in the world; this was just the beginning of the beginning. A spiritual journey of awakening and from now on, he made up his mind to spend more time at home with her, than at work.

  It was a beautiful summer morning, the birds were singing and the sun was shining. On his way downstairs he heard talking. It was coming from the kitchen. Mark, Raymond, Christine and Tom were talking about the party. Tony stood behind the door and listened to their conversation.

  Christine was telling Raymond how touched he was by the ring she’d given him and how nervous she was when she performed with the band. Raymond said he thought she was really good, better than he expected. Mark said he couldn’t remember much except for a woman called Paula playing with his ears – actually her name was Petra, Tony muttered to himself as he continued listening to their conversation. They went on to talk about the belly dancers and Shirley Bassey.

  Christine teased Raymond about the waitress he claimed to be smitten with. She’d never known him to concentrate on anything for that length of time before, let alone anyone.

  He swung open the door, and then made his entrance.

  ‘Tony, my main man, how are you this fine morning?’ Mark walked over and gave him a hug. His head was still woozy from last night but Christine’s concoction of Tabasco and tomato juice seemed to do the trick. He felt more alert than he had done, ten minutes ago.

  ‘Good morning Dad.’ Christine kissed him on his cheek and Tom who appeared to be stoned, stood behind her and grunted, ‘Peace, Mr Manning.’

  Raymond pulled a chair out for his dad and patted him on the back. ‘Dad, you certainly had a really cool party.’

  Christine gently pushed him out of the way. ‘Dad, we have to hit the motorway now.’

  ‘So soon honey?’

  ‘I’m afraid so Dad, Tom’s got to get back for a meeting.’

  ‘Fine, then let Tom go and you stay.’

  ‘I can’t stay Dad, you know I can’t.’

  ‘OK, honey bun but you guys drive safely and honey, I want to tell you, how proud I was of you yesterday.’

  ‘Thanks Dad, that means a lot.’

  ‘It’s not easy in the music industry baby, but if it’s what you really want, I’m with you all the way.’

  ‘Thank you Daddy, I appreciate that.’

  Tony gave her a tight squeeze and shook Tom’s hand. Christine was pleased; at least her dad was making an effort to be civil to Tom. She hugged Raymond and Mark and said her last goodbyes to her dad. Tom picked up his guitar in one hand and a large suitcase in the other. Tony opened the patio door that led to the drive and watched as Christine and her beau drove away.

  Raymond had three weeks to go, before he left to go to university and he intended to enjoy every day until then. University meant work, not bumming around as he had grown accustomed to.

  ‘Raymond, what are you doing on Friday?’

  ‘Friday … I don’t think I’ve got anything on Dad, why?’

  ‘I’d really like it if you tried some golf.’

  ‘Try some golf as in me and you playing together on a golf course?’

  ‘Yeah Raymond, you’ll enjoy it.’

  ‘OK then old guy.’

  ‘OK, then? Is that it? … Is it that simple? Aren’t you going to say anything negative about the game?’

  ‘No, I don’t mind trying it; it’s time out with you old guy.’

  ‘Hey, I’ve told you before, less of the old.’

  ‘Anyway, I’m out of here, see you around Mark. Bye Dad.’ And in his usual manner his son raided the fridge before departing through the front door.

&nb
sp; ‘So Mark, you had a good time last night?’

  ‘Yeah Tony, I had a good time but what you really mean is I got drunk, right?’

  ‘Well, if you down those Bacardi Breezers like they’re going out of fashion then you’ll get drunk and you did, you got drunk.’

  ‘I didn’t do something stupid, did I?’

  ‘Yes, Mark.’

  ‘Please don’t tell me I slept with anyone.’

  ‘No, I don’t think you did but you might have done. It only takes a second.’

  ‘Not me pal, I’m like Duracell, trust me on that. I can go for hours and hours.’

  ‘Yeah, sure you can.’

  ‘Ok, then half an hour, tops. Now come on Tony, what did I do?’

  ‘It wasn’t so much what you did. It was more what you said.’

  ‘Oh no, what did I say, Tony, what did I say?’

  ‘Let’s just say Mary thinks you’ve been fantasising about her in her thigh-high boots.’

  ‘What!’

  ‘Yes Mark, you referred to the time when I spoke to you and Martin at Lorenzo’s.’

  ‘OK, Tony that could have been anytime.’

  ‘Several months ago, you know the time when I was on a real downer and I told you guys about my little problem.’

  ‘Oh yes, that little problem. What did I say?’

  ‘You said to Mary – and I quote the exact words, ‘I bet you look good in your thigh-high boots.’

  ‘I said what?’

  ‘Oh yes you did Mark.’

  ‘I’ll never be able to look at her again. How embarrassing. I’m sorry. You know I’d never fantasise about Mary, never.’ He wasn’t convinced and Mark wasn’t convinced that Tony was convinced so he swiftly changed the subject.

  ‘So did you enjoy the party Tony?’

  ‘As you would say Mark, it was off the hook.’

  ‘Is Mary still sleeping?’

  ‘Like a baby.’

  ‘She’s a good woman.’

  ‘Yes she is Mark, yes she is. Listen, you mentioned in your drunken state, something about loving Kelly. Who is Kelly and don’t tell me she’s another one of your fly-by-nights?’

  ‘She’s just a friend, a very special friend.’

  ‘I see – she’s just a friend, a very special friend. Is she a special, special friend or just a special friend?’

  ‘I know what you’re driving at Tony, like I said, she’s a special friend.’

  ‘Is that right?’ He examined Mark’s body language. His arms were folded and he avoided eye contact.

  ‘OK, you got me, so I like her. No, I actually, I love her.’

  ‘What, like you loved Ann, Carmen, Paulette and Veronica?’

  ‘This is different Tony.’

  ‘Yes Mark, I’m sure it is but you said that about Veronica and look what happened there; you whipped your pants down and got busy with her friend.’

  ‘I know but this is really different.’

  ‘And what makes it really different Mark? Come on, give it to me; lay your cards on the table but be honest with me. What’s so different about it this time?’

  ‘It’s different because I don’t want to be with anyone else. She listens to me, she understands me. She knows exactly what I’m going to say before I say it. She’s got an aura about her that takes my breath away and every time I see her I feel happy. I feel sick when I don’t hear from her. I don’t even want to look at another woman. She’s there for me in every possible way.’

  ‘I knew it Mark, and I wondered when it would boil down to that.’

  ‘What are you on about?’

  ‘Sex, Mark!’

  ‘You’re wrong, we haven’t slept together.’

  ‘You haven’t? Well, how long have you been seeing her?’ ‘Almost three months but we haven’t been seeing each other, not in that way.’

  ‘What and that’s supposed to make the difference because you’re not seeing each other as in seeing each other. That’s never stopped you before.’

  ‘Tony, she’s a friend.’

  ‘Is that right? What you mean is she’s got a boyfriend.’

  ‘Yes … I mean no … she had a boyfriend but it didn’t work out.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘Listen Tony, you’re a friend and I value your opinion on most things but I don’t have to justify myself to you, not with this.’

  ‘So you do love her?’

  ‘Yes I do.’

  ‘Well, how does she feel?’

  ‘I don’t know how she feels.’ Tony seemed irritated by the whole thing.

  ‘What is it with you guys?’ Mark shrugged.

  ‘I’ve got it all under control.’

  ‘Mark, I wish you the best of luck. Anyway I’m making a cup of tea. Do you want a cup?’

  ‘No, but coffee would be great.’ They chatted for a while and laughed about Petra, the missing belly dancer and then the kitchen door opened. Standing there looking radiant and beautiful was Mary.

  ‘Why, hello, gentlemen,’ said Mary. She smiled at Tony and he picked her up in his arms then kissed her.

  ‘Hello honey, I love you.’

  ‘I love you too, Tony.’

  OK then, thought Mark, this is my cue to go. This is when I use my brain, make some excuse why I have to leave because I know they really want me to leave, and that’s exactly what he did. He stood up and walked towards the kitchen door, ready to make his exit.

  ‘Tony, it’s getting kind of late and I’ve just remembered I’ve got something I need to do.’

  ‘OK, Mark.’

  ‘I’ll call you before I leave for the States.’

  Tony didn’t hear a single word Mark said. His lips were still firmly pressed against Mary’s.

  Mark sat in his car for some time and examined his surroundings. He reflected on his life and hoped that one day he’d still be in love after many years of marriage, whenever that was. He was leaving for the States in two days’ time and he needed to talk to Kelly. He needed to tell her how he felt. Now he understood what Martin had been going through. The sheer agonising thoughts he battled with, just wondering what would happen if he told her he loved her. He wished he was like Tony. He had it all; he had the car, the house, the wife, the kids and the image, but there was a vulnerable boy inside a man’s body and Mark respected Tony for showing a side to his character that most men try to hide; the side that says, ‘I’m scared.’ Now Tony was finding himself again and Mark admired his strength of courage and his sheer determination to get his life back on track.

  Tara helped Tony to get there sooner but he would have got there in the end, thought Mark. He’d learnt so much from his best friends Tony and Martin, and now he was learning so much more from Kelly. Experience was a great teacher if you were willing to learn.

  He drove home feeling pretty much relaxed as he mused over the situation. The first thing he did when he got home was, check his messages.

  Beep. ‘Mark … You don’t call your mudda. You don’t love me no more Markie. Me cook some chicken and rice fe you, come and get it when you ready Markie.’ It was his favourite lady, his mum. He hadn’t spent much time with her recently and felt guilty about leaving for the States, but it wasn’t permanent. He’d be back and when he returned he promised her, he’d take her to Jamaica to see her only brother, Uncle Ronnie, whom she hadn’t seen in years.

  Beep. ‘Mark, it’s Calvern Flowers. I thought I’d give you a call so we can kick it like we used to with the honeys. My girls ditched me so I’m single again. Give me a call man.’

  Mark thought to himself, the only honey he wanted was Kelly and right now; it was the only voice he wanted to hear so when he played the next message he was overjoyed to hear her voice.

  Beep. ‘Hi, Mark, it’s just me, calling to see how you are. Hope the party went well. Give me a call and it’s your turn to make coffees … byeee.’

  It was Kelly … Kelly … Kelly … Kelly. He deleted the other messages and played Kelly’s message again.

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nbsp; He’d call her back, lay it on the line and confess his love. Then they’d run away into the sunset and live happily ever after. Rewind Mark: that was last night’s dream. Today, I’ll call her, we’ll meet up, probably go out for a meal, no, I’ll go to Mum’s, collect my dinner that Mum always puts away for me in her best Tupperware; then I’ll bring my dinner back here and share it with Kelly. We’ll talk, I’ll tell her I’m going to the States for six months, then she’ll be upset because I didn’t tell her before but it’ll work out.

  Yeah, right … who am I kidding? There are two ways to play it, either tell her you love her when you return from the States or do it now. If you do it now, you could risk losing her. If you don’t do it, she’ll never know and some guy could get in there first and then again she’ll probably drop me as a friend because I waited two days before I’m due to fly out to the States. He cursed himself again. When will you learn Mark, when?

  While he was deliberating over the situation the doorbell rang. He knew it was Kelly. It was three rings on the bell, followed by a knock. Mark was positively overexcited and it showed when he opened the door and picked her up then swung her around until she was giddy.

  ‘Put me down Mark, please, you’re making me sick. I’ve just eaten a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.’ Mark placed her down, gently on her feet and held her close until she got her balance.

  ‘Right that’s it Mark, you wait, I’ll get you back.’

  When she was steady on her feet, he led her into the lounge. She was talking to him but he wasn’t listening. He could see her lips moving but right now his brain was in overdrive.

  OK Mark, you’re a creative guy, this is your moment. Set the mood, put some music on. Alicia Keys, yeah, she liked Alicia Keys, her music was kicking, the vibe was solid, and the lyrics spoke to you, not at you. Alicia had it going on. OK, Mark you’re getting carried away again with the wrong dream, we’re talking about Kelly, creating the mood for Kelly. Focus, Mark focus. Make her a cup of coffee, with three Hobnob biscuits neatly placed on a small plate. Just play it cool, you know something like: as a matter of fact you wouldn’t guess where I’m going to be for the next six months? No, that didn’t sound right, thought Mark. In his head he rehearsed what he was going to say. OK Mark, here you go buddy, tell her now.