Wanting So Bad, Loving So Good

by Bella Bentley

“Don’t you know that those men are probably the head of the board of your school. They know who you are, trust me. Those men are men in high places. You think you just earned your first year medical tuition free and clear because you serviced a few men? But it’s not how it works. It’s not how they work. When they want something, they’ll come after you again, except this time, there will not be money exchanged, there will be consequences. Loved ones. Your reputation.”

  “I don’t understand. This doesn’t make sense.” I shook my head and turned to look at her.

  “A few of those men are pure evil.”

  I swallowed hard. Not the man I was with. Did she ever meet him? Not the man with the tender eyes who touched my heart. Who—

  “What did you really think . . . That because of your looks you hit the jackpot? That these men just pay astronomical amounts each and every time an invitation comes?”

  Well . . . actually, yes. I honestly thought I genuinely experienced a miracle.

  “Look at me, if an invitation comes again, do not accept it. Under any circumstances, do not do it. And I’d start looking at school on the East Coast. You’re in a lot of trouble McKenzie.”

  “But how?” I felt like crying. I felt a frog in my throat. But what about all the other women? There had to have been a hundred or so? Is that why they were all put into colors? But some of the women seemed to enjoy the club. This didn’t make sense to me. Wouldn’t something like this get out in the press if the men were truly threatening their lives?

  I thought back to the movie The Skulls. I had seen the movie in high school. The secretive The Skulls and Bones society at Yale seemed so fictitious, yet here I was and I felt like I was dealing with the same group of men, yet older.

  And probably richer.

  I shuttered at thought.

  “I was just like you, you know. Bright, young, innocent. Full of dreams. I wanted to be an actress yet the money here, well, the rent, the life style here is very hard to maintain.” She crouched over her legs and looked down at her running shoes.

  I wondered how old she was. She had thin legs and beautiful olive skin. Had she been with this club for years?

  “I too received in invitation in the mail when I was at a dire need. I was about to lose my rental and would be penniless, homeless! My folks in London are gone. So with no one or nowhere else to turn, and with much trepidation at the promise of such money, I went. Oh, I know, a dream! So much money and you’ll have your freedom to pursue what it is you want. But all money comes at a cost.”

  Not believing what I was hearing, I stuttered the words. “But, no, no one else warned you? How can a hundred women be locked into this system? Logic says there would have to be a leak somewhere. Somehow.”

  She raised an eyebrow passed her dark oval sunglasses.

  “Oh, you’d be surprised.”

  I shook my head in disbelief.

  Maybe she was trying to scare me. But why?

  “I just want to go to Stanford and go on with my life.”

  “Maybe you’ll be an anomaly, a lucky one. Maybe your debt was paid the night you came. The only way to be sure of that is if you never go again.”

  “And the women that are there apparently out of curiosity?”

  “Like I told you in the restroom, curiosity killed the cat. Good luck in the race.”

  She got up and walked briskly away in the fall morning. Even though I wanted to follow her, I knew I should let her go. She already told me what she wanted to say.

  The message was loud and clear.

  A few weeks passed and medical school continued to be everything I ever imagined it would be. Each night after classes I came home and devoured myself into learning about the body, how it works. Dreaming of saving people. I was confident I could be top of my class. I lived for the very position. Everything was just fine and dandy. I had even forgotten about the woman with black hair until one fateful evening.

  As I was studying with a candle filled room because the lights went out from a fierce thunderstorm, Shelly, my roommate, came home with the mail.

  “You’re ridiculous, you know that? Even in a thunderstorm and the lights go out, you’ll still study. I’ll never understand.” She rolled her eyes under the light of the flashlight.

  “It’s not pitch black you know. Just dim. And I like that candles. They’re inspirational. You’ll use any excuse not to study.” I laughed.

  “Candles are not for studying, they are for sex. Come on, Kenze, let’s go out already!”

  “What? You haven’t met your millionaire or billionaire yet? It’s been months since graduation. Time is ticking before the next twenty-two year old prances his way.” I teased. “And I prefer to study this way. It’s so . . . ancient.”

  “You’re a nerd.”

  “I’m smart! I’m in Sta—”

  “Standford smashford. Blah. Blah. Blah!” She made a mouth sign with her hand and made funny mocking sounds. “If I had to take a shot every time I heard the word Stanford, I’d never be able to leave this house for being fucked up wasted drunk all the time.”

  “You’re in a mood, huh.” I teased.

  She strolled over to me and dropped the mail on the coffee table.

  “No, you’re right. I haven’t met anyone. I just wanted to have met someone by now. It’s fall! My favorite season! I just wish there was some sort of millionaire’s club I could join. That way I’d be on the arm of a handsome one at one of the galas and—”

  “What did you say?” The words were rushed and I interrupted her.

  “You know, Patty Stranger? Millionaire Matchmaker.”

  “Oh, right.” I felt so relieved hearing Patty’s name.

  “Would these damn lights turn back on? It’s eerie in here.”

  She sat on the leather next to me causing a few of my notes to scatter to the floor. She flickered the flashlight off and on. Off and on. Off and on.

  I shook my head at her child like ways. She was my best friend and I loved her. But she sometimes acted like she was five!

  “I swear McKenzie, you’re seeing someone aren’t you? The look you’ve had on your face. All those miles you’ve been running to get that tush of yours perfect and tight. You’re in love. I know that look. So who’s the lucky bastard? Did you meet him in med school?”

  “Oh my gosh, would you stop flashing that light? You’re like a little kid!”

  “Am not.”

  She flashed the light off and on again.

  “I’m in love with medical school.”

  “Ew gross! Oh why can’t I be in love with something.” She lamented dramatically as she lay on the couch just as dramatic.

  “You’ll find it whatever it is.”

  “Well, I’m still not buying the whole I’m in love with medical school thing. You’re seeing someone or have been secretly.”

  “No I haven’t! And where is this even coming from, by the way?”

  “Yes you have. All the running. All the day dreaming. That look. I know it.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I sulked.

  Was I that obvious? Was my infatuation of always day dreaming of him, that obvious?

  I sighed.

  The lights went back on and I drew out my sigh.

  “Thank God!”

  I went back to studying my notes as Shelly looked through the mail.

  Then there it was. The familiar black card stock with my name written so beautifully fell on the ground.

  I immediately dropped my notes and grabbed for it quickly, definitely giving myself away.

  “Hey, what’s that? Sure is fancy.”

  I slid it under a page in my textbook.

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Come on. Nothing? Let me see? It’s from him isn’t it! I knew it!”

  “No! It’s not!

  “Yes it is, now dish! Seriously! I’m your best friend! Everyone needs someone to confide in.”

  “Seriously! I have to study. Now come on. Let me
study in peace.”

  “Oh, you’re no fun.”

  My hands were shaking. I hadn’t received an invitation from them in months. And now there it was. And there was my opportunity to possibly see him again.

  If current trend continued as from last time, the event would be this very night. Tomorrow was class. I’d be a walking zombie if I went.

  If I went?

  Was I really considering going after such alarm from the British woman? That was scary. I looked at Shelly staring at her Iphone as she held it up towards the ceiling doing God knows what. If only I could tell her. Maybe she could help me. Maybe she would give me advice that only best friends could give. I hated hiding this from her. We told each other everything.

  Everything.

  Everything but this.

  “I know it’s Thursday but let’s just pretend we are in under grad and it’s blaze Thursday. Come on. We still look it.”

  “Correction. You used to blaze. I never did once.” That was our code name for partying like it was Saturday on a Thursday night.

  “Twice you did, McKenzie! You just were too drunk to remember.”

  “Come on. It’d do you some good. You have like one final. At the end of the semester, right?”

  “It doesn’t work that way.”

  “Well, maybe try my way. Hey . . . any cute guys in you class? Oh, never mind. It’d take too long for them to have money yet. I need one with money now.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’re so ridiculous!”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Well, at least I know I’m clear on what I want in that area of my life. So are you coming tonight?”

  “To where?” My voice sounded snippier than I had intended it to. I just really wanted to share this news that was eating me up and I couldn’t. It was so frustrating.

  And I was just dying to at least just open the invitation. Just to see. Just to somehow be closer to him even it was just viewing an invitation. But I couldn’t with her in the living room with me.

  Finally, after ignoring her questions a few more moments more as I attempted to appear to be studying, she stood up and stormed off yet again, dramatically, to her bedroom. She wasn’t mad. She was just being dramatic; one of her favorite things to do.

  As soon as I heard her in her restroom I ripped that invitation open as fast as I could.

  Dear McKeznie,

  It would please us very greatly if you graced us with your presence on this night. Consider this a head start on your second year school’s payment. Per last time, car will be waiting at 11pm with 5 minute waiting window.

  Cordially Yours,

  The Elusive and Exclusive BC

  On the back of the cardstalk was the password.

  Password: WaterTiger6624

  WaterTig—

  “Hey! Watcha got there?”

  I nearly jumped as I screamed.

  She walked back towards me in a different outfit than her casual look from earlier of leggings and a lose top. She had on going out attire—heels and a painted on tight little red dress. The hunting look I called it. Hunting for rich men.

  I slid the paper back in my book.

  “Nothing!”

  “Nothing huh? Are you in or are you out, Kane? Let’s go out! We never go out anymore or even hang out since Stanford started. You know, you’ve been very neglectful as a friend!”

  I let out my own dramatic sigh. Sometimes she did that—pulled the guilt card. Even though we were best friends, our differences sometimes got in the way. Most of all, me being driven to study. Her driven for the pleasures of life. But regardless of the differences, I loved her.

  I looked down at my watch. It was 4pm. I could go out for a little while. Besides, if I did plan on going, I would need help with my hair and makeup and she always did wonders.

  I rolled my eyes again and sighed. I couldn’t believe I was toying with the idea of going to the club again. I couldn’t—

  Before I could even finish my crazy thought, she pulled me up from the couch and drug me into her room.

  “Okay . . . okay. I’ll go! But I have to be back by nine.”

  She giggled loudly and squeezed me to death. “Oh I just love you!” She kissed me on the cheek.

  An hour and half later, we were out at a very chic wine and tapas bar sitting outside enjoying the post-thunderstorm gorgeous fall weather. We sat in oversized suede chairs and were surrounded by greenery and blooming pink flowers that dangled around a white wooden latter.

  We were already on our second glass of Reisling and were munching on cubes of cheese and salami. She was always “low-carbing”. I didn’t know how she could do it. None-the-less, it worked. It kept her figure long and lean. “I just would have thought I would have met him by now.” Her Louboutin heel flopped as her skinny crossed leg bounced.

  “Maybe it’s just not the right time yet.”

  “Well, I want it to be!”

  “Maybe they are intimidated because your father’s a Senator?”

  Thirty minutes later of her saying the same thing over and over again but in different ways, we were on our 3rd glass and I was pretty buzzed. The fresh weather outside, the sun, it was just a perfect scene and I felt very generous with my feelings and thoughts.

  “I’m telling you, McKenzie, I know you’re seeing someone.”

  I bit my lip. All inhibitions were out the window.

  “I can trust you?”

  “Oh gosh McKenzie, you know it! So I’m right?”

  “Look. This has to stay between us. But I am seeing a special someone tonight.”

  “You are?”

  “And he’s pretty high profile. So you can’t tell anyone. Seriously!”

  “Damn it! I knew it! I knew it! Okay . . . okay! I won’t say anything! But I just knew it. I mean, I knew it!” She leaned back in her chair satisfied. “I can always call these things. Call me a professional or something. Maybe I could get a job as something like that.”

  “Like that? What are you even talking about? Look! If you tell anyone I will blog about the time you slept with Professor Keane in order to earn an A in his class. I’m serious!”

  “You wouldn’t!”

  “I would! So you can’t say anything.”

  “Ugh, you’re so lucky!” She slouched further in her chair.

  I shrugged my shoulders and I know I sat there with stars in my eyes as my stomach fluttered at seeing him tonight.

  I’d see him again!

  Sigh!

  “Okay, well, I’m going to make you look H-O-T-T and then my good karma will totally come back to me and I’ll soon be on a date with my own billionaire.”

  “But I didn’t say he was a billionaire.”

  “Honey, that’s what high profile means here in the Orange County. But don’t you worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”

  Hours later, finally, the moment of truth. The limo was waiting outside. It felt so . . . uncanny, yet familiar. The fall night was so tranquil and still, as if the whole world held its breath in shock of my decision. So, okay, Shelly didn’t know the whole truth. I could see her peeking discretely behind the plantation shutters, probably so giddy and excited that I was dating a billionaire. Just what she desired.

  But it wasn’t at all what it seemed. And as much as I would have loved to admit it, “he” and I weren’t even dating.

  Shit, McKenzie, don’t go!

  My inner compass tried to reason with me.

  I inhaled chimney smoke filled air and exhaled slowly as I stood there. I knew I had one more minute before the limo would drive away.

  I bit my lip. I knew what I had to do. I had to see him again.

  I opened the door and slid into the leather seats already knowing what to look for, knowing the drill. There would be a box.

  Except this time the former white box was a grand thick gold box. It sat there staring at me. I knew I had to open it up and open it quickly. I lifted the top of the box off and there laying on top of material wrapped in a satin
bow was a card stock.

  McKenzie,

  Congratulations. You are tonight’s queen.

  I jerked up and looked out into the night sky, my heart beating a million fast beats. A few clouds hung overhead and my head spun.

  The raffle.

  I remember seeing how terrified the other woman had looked who was chosen last time. What exactly did this mean? I knew I didn’t have much time so I had to keep reading.

  In the box, you will find your proper attire. But first, please be sure to insert the proper precautions at once. You must also do your best to smile, treat the king as he should be treated, and oblige to his every request. You are his for the entire night. There is no philandering with other men. Consider yourself warned. Consider yourself prepared.

  As always, a great compensation awaits you. Congratulations on your success in Stanford. Rumor has it you are ranked top of the class already. Please blindfold at once or there will be consequences.

  Cordially Yours,

  The Elusive and Exclusive BC

  Chapter Eleven

  There was no calming down my racing heart. I felt panic spread throughout my entire body like wild fire. His for the entire night? No philandering with other men? Damn it! I was supposed to see him! This whole experience was supposed to see him again. Now I was risking everything for nothing. Could I get out? Stop the car?

  Maybe he will come for you, just like he did last time. The optimist inside who still believed in fairy tales sheepishly admitted.

  I let out a big sigh.

  Well, he did say to come again. It would be worth it just to see him again.

  I tossed the card aside and held up a long satin beady dress that rivaled any flapper’s dress from the 1920’s. It was truly vintage, a dress that any celebrity or movie star would be proud to walk the red carpet at the Oscars. It was one of those dresses!

  Beneath it was a black lacy thong and matching bra. They were very classy yet sexy. Understated.

  In a clear plastic envelope, a strange looking device rested with a tag attached.

  Please insert this plug at once.

  Where?

  I studied it. I had never seen anything like it. It sort of looked like a small chess piece maybe. And then I understood. It was for . . . I gulped.

  I had never done that before.