Wanting So Bad, Loving So Good

by Bella Bentley

I took a sip of my Sprite to settle my stomach.

  “I’ve felt that way, too. Kyle. I’m sorry for accusing you. You said not to Google, and I did. I just...felt like it was all too perfect. Us. This. My mind was going crazy with thoughts, scenarios. You know how I am.”

  “It’s what I love about you.”

  I felt so nervous this signaled my stomach to turn. I had to tell him. I was about to tell him. But I had to run to the restroom first. A wave of nausea was coming.

  “I’ll...be right back. Sorry.”

  I walked back slowly to the table but saw the wine in the glasses and I couldn’t be near the smell. I inhaled a breath and covered my mouth with my hand.

  “Can you please...move the wine away? From my side that is. Sorry. I know this ... I know I’m being ridiculous.”

  “Sure. Sure baby.”

  He moved the glass to the edge of the table and a fresh sea breeze blew my hair as I inhaled confidence. I sat down and took another sip of sprite.

  “Someone been partying a bit too much? Bad hang over?”

  I sighed and looked up at him with big eyes. I bit my lower lip and stared at him with what felt to be an eternity as he sipped his wine and placed it back down.

  “Like I said, I wanted to give you your space you know? I freaked out like that and I just thought to myself, maybe she’s not ready. Maybe you needed space. But then I realized, that you’re right. Love can’t be bought. Maybe you....” He took another sip of wine. “Maybe you don’t love me like I love you. And before you answer that, I see your hesitation and shock. I wasn’t going to let you get away that easy. But I wasn’t going to stalk you anymore with presents each day. I was just going to slow it down. I mean, my heart’s on the line here, too, you know. And during that time of not talking to you I had to realize this—us, was worth the risk. And of course I think it is. But...what, why are you looking at me like that?”

  Here we go. As much as I wanted to keep hearing his thoughts...I couldn’t wait any longer. He had to know. I had to tell him.

  “Kyle...I’m pregnant.”

  He fought to break his cough.

  Oh no. This isn’t good.

  He pounded his chest with his fist all the while reaching for my own water glass as he gulped the entire thing before placing it down. He looked at me, jaw open, his baby blues filled with water from the wine obviously going down the wrong tube.

  “Pregnant? Were...were you with someone else while we were together?”

  “No! Of course not!”

  “I’m sorry...I’m just...I have to ask. You were on birth control.”

  “Yeah...well, sometimes that’s not always 100% especially if it’s not taken the same time every day. I think the time difference...or whatever could have affected it. I don’t know. I mean I don’t know.” I felt worried, tears filled my eyes. I felt so emotional!

  “Are you...are you upset?”

  His pouty lip pursed with his top lip before bursting into laughter.

  The fresh tears that were waiting to pour, slowly dripped down my face.

  “Awww,...” he continued to laugh. “Don’t cry.”

  “Why are you laughing?”

  I wiped a few more tears.

  He continued to laugh even more before letting out a happy sigh. He took a sip of wine and continued laughing.

  His happy lines around his eyes were dancing. He was beaming.

  “I knew we would work out. You see. I may not be as much of a praying man as my father, but you sure did have me saying my prayers to God. I prayed a way for us to be together.”

  The smile wouldn’t leave. It was plastered across his face.

  “You think this is funny? I’m pregnant! And unmarried. And alone.”

  “Shhh....shhhhh....” he continued his giggle fit as I continued to cry. The perfect mix in a relationship. Salt and pepper. Yin and Yang.

  “Baby, I hate to say it. But you’re all mine. You’re just going to have to marry me now.”

  “Marry you!”

  “Come one. Don’t you like me?”

  I nodded quickly.

  “Don’t you...have deep feelings for me?”

  “Yes.” My voice was a whisper.

  “Aren’t you falling in love with me?”

  I shot him that look. That damn you! But I love you look.

  He covered my hand with his own and squeezed them before scooting back out of his chair and lifting me up in a big embrace.

  “We’re going to have a baby!”

  I still didn’t know how to process these emotions. I was still caught off guard. Shocked. “So, you’re....you’re happy?”

  He pulled away from me.

  “Of course I’m happy! I’m ecstatic!”

  “But, we’re having a baby. You’re going to be a father. We’re not even in a relationship.”

  “Shhh...shhhh...yes we are. And you know we are. You had to agree to it. You had to let me in. To trust me into your nice little world. Now you have to.”

  He was right. I knew he was right. There really was no other way to get through my stubborn ways.

  “Shhh...come here.” He wrapped his arms around me. “We’re going to have a baby together. She’s going to be gorgeous just like you.”

  “What if it’s a boy?” This warmed my heart. It was so strange. So strange but I felt such excitement. Joy. My heart was filled with joy, I felt this connection with him. Of course I did! But being in his arms, he made me feel safe. Right. I would have to let go now. I had to.

  “Well, you have no choice now. You have to live with me.”

  “I don’t even know where you live.”

  “Lots of places. Let’s have a babymoon.”

  I pulled away from him his whole face could light up time square in new york city from joy.

  “Look...this is all...”

  “Happening fast, I know.”

  “But I still want to finish medical school.”

  “But look at you. You’re pregnant! You worry yourself sick naturally. How can you handle medical school and being pregnant? Not to mention, now that I realize the reason for your moment to the ladies room... it seems you have morning sickness.”

  “That goes away in the second trimester.”

  “Oh...Kenzie...come here, you. Listen to me. Let me take care of you. Let me give you a baby moon. That’s my child you’re carrying.”

  I wanted to say, how do you know. But I knew 100% it was his. Is his. I hadn’t been with anyone else.

  “Just because...just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean that I’m handicap. I’m perfectly able to—”

  An awful wave of nausea rose again. Oh no. I held up a finger and ran back to the ladies room. I was on my knees wiping my mouth when I felt his warm familiar touch on the small of my back. His hand was under my blue jean shirt, caressing me gently.

  “I don’t think you’re supposed to be in here.” I said between moments of release.

  “Baby, I don’t give a hell. You’re pregnant with our child.”

  “Awwww...did you hear him? That’s so sweet!” Two women whispered together outside our stall. I couldn’t care though about anything or anyone. I felt miserable.

  “I feel sooooo sick. I can’t eat anything.” I confessed. “I can’t keep anything down. Everything makes me sick.” I sobbed into the toilet, feeling hopeless. Feeling God awful sick. His touch was warming and comforting and I knew what it meant. I needed him. I needed him desperately so. I finally slid from the toilet, my back against the stall. I didn’t care about the germs. I didn’t want to move.

  “I feel awful....” The tears poured down as I fought more waves. “When will it ever stop?”

  “Baby, I’m sorry. It’s clear someone’s gonna have to just take care of you now, huh? Come on. Let me take you home.”

  With a Sprite to go in my hand, I naturally started to turn back towards my car. “Nah uh, I’ll have someone come back for your car.

  “But...”

  The look
said it all. He’s the boss.

  “I honestly feel sooooo sick. Like I have food poisoning or something. It’s awful.”

  “I’m sorry...but then again I’m not.” His hand was on my thigh.

  “Hey!....”

  He started the engine and we zoomed through traffic. “Just being honest. I can’t help but to feel that this is the best day of my life!”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The first full day of being in his mansion was surreal. Overlooking the ocean in Malibu, guarded with miles of gates. Horses, gardens, it was paradise.

  He told me he bought the property two years ago and a bunch of other stuff, but in my dizziness and nausea, and as much as I wanted to hear the history, I was too sick to pay attention.

  A, it was a palace, a real freaking palace overlooking the ocean. Breathtaking. B, his bedroom had an entire floor to ceiling wall that viewed the ocean. From his bed, the glistening ocean sparkles smiled.

  I didn’t leave his bed. Well, only to use the restroom...quite frequently. And of course, a pristine trashcan waited for me whenever I couldn’t make it to the restroom.

  Anything I needed he got for me.

  His assistant brought me comfortable leggings and cotton shirts, and he even had her driving all over the Los Angeles area in search for remedies for my morning sickness. A few remedies proved to work and, at times, a warm nice helping of potato soup and a delicious slice of garlic bread did the trick. But only for a few moments before I found myself again repeating the whole mess.

  The second and third day in his home we binged watched TV series, and he laid in bed all day with me. Cuddled up against his smooth chest, I’d frequently fall asleep and awake feeling so right. The only thing soothing my sickness was the soup, momentarily.

  Shelly came to visit me and brought my textbooks, much to my dire request. She and Kyle both shook their heads at my insistence of studying when I was so sick. But this morning sickness really was putting me behind on my lectures, and I was determined to study.

  But even in studying, I couldn’t focus.

  I felt so damn sick.

  That’s when on day four we went to the ER. I was dehydrated and not retaining nutrients which was detrimental to the baby’s health. I was admitted for an IV drip, and after my vitals were received from my doctor, I was informed of my diagnosis— Hyperemesis gravidarum.

  I had already lost five pounds, and both the doctor and Kyle were concerned. It was true though. I really couldn’t do anything. I would need his help.

  Kyle insisted that I move in with him for full time care. As much as I wanted to stay in control, I agreed.

  I was getting into a routine, one of which consisted of nothing—in bed, miserable. The only reprieve was sleep.

  “Baby, I think it’s time I meet your parents.”

  This made my stomach even flip more! I moaned into his luxurious down comforter pillow. He was right.

  “But I can’t travel.”

  “I know. That’s why they should come here.”

  I sat up in bed, running my fingers through the tangles in my hair, the bed head of a mess. I looked over at him, feeling incredibly weak?

  “Do you still think I’m sexy?” Tears filled my eyes. “With no make up on and my hair a ratty mess. I feel so awful already!”

  “Baby, come here. You’re the most beautiful now than I’ve ever known. You’re carrying our baby.” His soft lips caressed mine before he gently kissed down between my breasts and unto my belly where soft kisses enveloped my soft skin. Between it tickling and my snuffles, I burst into laughter as the fresh tears fell.

  His electric eyes looked up into mine. “That’s what I like to see. I’m going to keep doing it.” He gently kissed me before I finally broke away, rolling on my side giggling. His strong arms soon covered mine as he spooned beside me, his warm whisper sending chills on my ears.

  “You’re sexiest woman alive. Don’t ever doubt that. And I’m the luckiest man alive, and today’s the luckiest day of my life.”

  Five Years Later

  His gentle fingers zipped up my black dress, covering my black lacy lingerie, lingerie I was dying to wear again and finally felt confident once again. My body was finally back.

  I couldn’t wait to explore again, to play, to be aroused inside.

  With him.

  I surveyed the charcoal eye liner around my eyes before the mask was secured over my face. I drew red lipstain on my lips before smiling at my reflection. This all felt magical. So right. It had been too long.

  After a long week of rotations in the hospital, I was looking forward to this night.

  I dabbed his favorite perfume behind my ears before spinning around and seeing that grin of his sitting handsomely on top of his pin striped suit.

  “Shall we?”

  With my arm looped into his we walked past our master bathroom and through our bedroom, down the halls covered with photos from trips around the world, until we saw him.

  Our only son.

  Our four-year-old.

  “Mommy, where are you and Daddy going? And why are you wearing those funny masks?”

  He sat on the floor playing with his toys. His babysitter sat on the couch cross-legged as she assembled a LEGO tower before she stopped everything she was doing and gasped.

  “Oh my, Mr. And Mrs. McMaster. You two look breathtaking! Which gala are you going to?” She sat up straighter. “I’d die to go to a masquerade. How romantic!”

  “Thank you, Lindsey. Oh, we are just going to a little function.” I played with my earing as I said so.

  “A favorite past time.” He echoed my own thoughts.

  “Well, you two have fun! You deserve it! I know you work so hard! You are sooooo romantic. I hope I can have such a romantic relationship one day.” She pouted, yet still smiled at us with the smile of youth.

  “You will. Just wait and see.”

  “And you never know where you’ll meet,” Kyle had to say. I elbowed him playfully.

  “Yeah...how did you two meet again?”

  A light laugh escaped me. “Oh, that’s a long story. Perhaps another time.”

  “Sure!”

  “Should you need anything, anything, we have our cells. But we shouldn’t be home until well past two. Maybe three. Like we said, your bedroom is right next to Levi’s. Help yourself to anything in the fridge.”

  Levi puttered his happy feet across the wood floor eager to hug my legs.

  “Mommy, you look like a princess!”

  I bent down and picked him up, planting a big fat kiss on his cheek. I couldn’t believe we created him.

  We.

  Kyle and me.

  “Wait! I have to take a photo of you three. Smile!” Lindsey’s infectious voice filled the room. “You have to Instagram this!”

  And then we all composed ourselves, masks on, the very masks that brought us together. The very masks that created this angel on my hip.

  It was unconventional yes.

  It was unheard of. Yes.

  It was frowned upon in many circles. Yes.

  But I did finish my medical school. I am a doctor now. And I did meet the man of my dreams and produced a child more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

  I did find my prince.

  I had learned to let go of my preconceived thoughts of the way the world should be. I had learned that sometimes there is a greater plan than my own. To live beyond the black and white, the straight lines boxing a careful square, and to live in the blurred gray.

  I had learned to not work so hard and yes, let Kyle pamper and spoil me. But I continued to work hard making a difference as I always wanted. Not losing myself. But finding myself. A new self. An ever evolving self.

  And I truly think, I just think, we might live happily ever after, after all.

  Now, time to go to another sex party.

  Our favorite past time. With my husband. Kyle McMaster.

  About Bella Bentley

  Bella Bentley i
s a YA author during the day, but at night she loves exploring the world of sweet or spicy erotic romance.

  When she isn't writing, she loves spending time with her hot husband, sweet dog and cat, gardening, cooking, pilates, hiking, and making rustic furniture. If you’d like to stay up to date with the latest release and book discount promos that are occasionally run, sign up for her FireFly Lights email newsletter by visiting: http://eepurl.com/tpqkL. She’d love hear from you if you’d ever like to drop her a line! — Bellabentleywrites@gmail.com