The longer he studied Eden and the crowd. and the longer they sang, it hit him: No. Church wouldn’t do that. Church was a building. Whether burned down or in a bar.
Peace didn’t come from church. Neither did acceptance or even worth. It came from Jesus, from the one they sang about.
His chest tightened. Jesus? Accept him? Make him feel worth something? The Man upstairs had to know of all Knox’s sins, even the one he buried so deep he barely remembered it some days. His sight shifted from Eden. Pastor Gabriel Brookson opened his eyes and nodded then closed them again. Like he’d been clued in that Knox teetered on the precipice of change. The silent nod, an invitation. Or to signal whatever was going through Knox’s mind was okay.
But it wasn’t.
While he wanted to be a better man when he was around Eden, and while he felt an emptiness that even the bar couldn’t fill, how could he ever be good enough for her? For her son? Especially if she knew the truth. It weighed like sandbags around his ribcage, prying them apart every single day. No good deed he accomplished bought off the pain or guilt.
The worship halted and Pastor Gabriel prayed as if he were best buds with God. “Turn with me to the book of Romans. Chapter five, verses nine through eleven. I’m reading from the Message translation. I want to talk about friendship with God and the benefits it brings to a believer’s life.”
Had the dude just read his mind? Knox withdrew enough to watch and listen without being seen.
“‘…there is no longer a question of being at odds with God in any way. If, when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son, now that we’re at our best, just think of how our lives will expand and deepen by means of his resurrection life! Now that we have actually received this amazing friendship with God, we are no longer content to simply say it in plodding prose. We sing and shout our praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah!’”
The preacher prayed again for people to receive the word and understand.
“This is why we sing. This is why we praise the Lord. Through the death of Christ, we now have friendship with Him, a friend who sticks closer than a brother and loves us unconditionally. That love was proven when he died for us—while we still rejected Him. When we never gave Him a single thought. When we mocked Him and His lordship. He. Loved. Us. His love gives our lives deep meaning and purpose. Think on that.”
Knox stood ram-rod, his heart pounding against the sandbagged weight. He was a mocker, a skeptic one who rarely gave God too much thought, especially after Nathan died. Until now.
Friendship that never wavered. Nathan had loved him like that. Had Nathan shown him a glimpse of who Jesus was?
Knox could hardly breathe. Nathan had. And what had Knox done to Nathan? Not been a good friend. Yet Nathan never gave up on him. That might mean God hadn’t either.
“Hey man, you okay? You’re pale.” A regular of Knox’s cuffed his shoulder. “You need a drink or something?”
No. For once. That was the last thing he wanted. “I’m fine, Andy. Thanks.”
“Well, I could use another round.”
“Sure...sure.” Knox poured Andy’s drink as his mind drifted elsewhere, hovering on the brink of reaching out for peace.
CHAPTER NINE
The congregation had cleared out an hour ago. Bible study and worship had been cleansing, but the rumors floating—though Eden had yet to hear them herself—nagged her. Since when did she care what Betsy and her band of loose tongues had to say about her?
Since she realized it might be true.
That’s why she’d hung around in this reverent atmosphere to try and get some clarity on her conflicted feelings.
Eden sat on the stage beside several poinsettias Cassie had used as decorations. She’d been coming to Sunday services, and now she’d come to a Wednesday night service. Several other Penalty Box patrons had ventured into the back room too.
“God, truly You are so good. So holy.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I need direction. And a ton of it.” If only He’d drop a compass in her lap. “And help me find baby Jesus. We need Him back.”
Eden opened her eyes and found Knox leaning against the archway, a bar towel over his shoulder and an odd expression on his face. “I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“You didn’t. I was just praying.”
“For baby Jesus?” He chuckled. “Can’t He pray for Himself?”
“Some punk stole Him from the nativity scene outside the church. Can’t have Christmas without baby Jesus.” She switched off the main lights, leaving only a soft glow from the twinkling lights around the stage. “I can lock up if you want to go on up, or if you have plans with someone tonight.”
Knox raised his chin and sealed the distance between them. “Why did you stay so late? Can’t you pray anywhere?”
“Yes.” Her stomach fluttered at his nearness. Like a human oak before her. “But I had a lot to discuss with God, and I needed to work on the order of the Christmas Eve service for Pastor Gabe. If I was at home I’d end up doing laundry or a million other things.”
Knox glanced around the room as if he’d never been in here before. “I listened tonight. To what the preacher said about friendship with God. About how He sticks around when others don’t.”
Eden licked her bottom lip. “And how did you feel about that?”
“Don’t know. Can’t say it didn’t have some appeal. But, I’d have to change my whole life.” He shrugged. “I’ve got some stuff to do. I’ll leave you.”
“Don’t!” She grabbed his shirt sleeve before she thought it through. Now what?
He stared at her hand clutching his bicep, then searched her eyes, her face—roaming, lingering. He edged closer.
Eden’s chest thumped and blood whooshed in her ears. “Stay,” she whispered. Her bottom lip trembled, and when he entered her personal space, her toes curled. She knew they would. He smelled of pine, aftershave, and a hint of wood smoke. Supremely male.
“I can’t.” His low raspy voice sounded more like a rumble. “I stay one second more, I won’t control myself, and I’m trying. I’ve been trying. You have no idea.”
The logical side of her screamed run, but the woman in her hauled her body against his and wrapped her arms around his neck.
Knox froze. “Eden…what are you doing?”
Something she shouldn’t. “This.”
***
Knox didn’t have the fight in him to peel her away. She molded against him perfectly. Her sweet signature scent released a slew of dancing waves into his head.
He framed her face, the softness of her skin setting off an explosion of longing. Crushing his mouth to hers, hungry to explore every inch, to taste and savor her, he dragged her to the wall and shoved her against it, releasing a gasp from her. He took advantage of her parted lips and ravaged her mouth, becoming heady from the sweetness and desire that gushed through his body like oxygen.
She tasted like spring time and sugar cookies. Would he ever get enough of her? Did he want to? Sliding his hands into her silky hair, he clutched it like a life line, tugging her head back, exposing her neck. He swept his open mouth across her jaw line to the sensitive spot behind her ear causing her to inhale sharply before he devoured the hollow of her neck. Pressing further into her, he snaked his hand down her spine to her waist until his fingers were at her lower back. In a frenzy, he fisted a handful of her sweater.
Eden’s slender fingers slid into his hair as she matched his hungry momentum.
Skin. He needed her skin. Releasing her sweater, he glided his hand up the back of her shirt, her velvety flesh intoxicating him. Moving to her side, he inched up her ribs.
“S-s-top. Stop! Stop!”
Knox restrained his hand, scanned her face and neck where he’d left raw burn marks from his stubble. He’d crossed the line, terrifying her. Terrifying himself.
Jerking his hand away, he stumbled backwards, tripped over a chair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,
Eden.” He clawed at his hair, his breath ragged and his body still pumping with need. “You need to go.”
Eden adjusted her sweater and licked her lips. “I need to tell you—”
“You need to go!” he boomed and pointed to the side door. “Now!” Shame inked him black. He couldn’t hear what she had to say. Didn’t want to hear that she made a mistake. Knox wasn’t even sure why she started it, but he was weak. A better man would have politely rejected her moment of—whatever it was that had motivated her. But he wasn’t a better man, even if he wished he were.
Eden’s chin quivered and her eyes filled with moisture, but he steeled himself. If he made an attempt to go to her, he feared he might try to charm her into round two, especially now that he’d had a taste of her sweetness, her goodness. And he’d tainted it with his selfishness.
She nodded once and raced past him, leaving the door wide open. Good. Let the wind cool him off. Numb him to her. How could he have done that? Defiled her? And he would have thoroughly done just that, had she not put a stop to it. She’d be upstairs in his bed at this moment.
But she was worth more than a night in his bed. Eden deserved to be cherished, loved, and adored. She wasn’t a few hours of pleasure, but a lifetime of precious discovery.
How could he possibly change? Ever be a better man? He locked up and stepped out into a whirl of snow, eyeing a shadow sitting on the hood of a car.
When the shadow came into light, he recognized it. “Wendy, what are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”
“Hi Knox. I was lonely.” Her curves swayed as she sashayed over, taking his hand. “Thought you might be lonely too.”
Lonely didn’t even come close to what he was. Wendy’s nails traced a line up his arm and into his hair. “Are you, Knox?” She pressed herself against him. “Lonely?”
Her lips beckoned him. Gray eyes held intent to seduce him. They’d danced this dance before. Still worked up over Eden, he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers.
But they weren’t Eden’s.
Knox’s fingers skimmed her cheek.
Not Eden’s.
Gray eyes were not Eden’s blue.
“I can’t.”
He’d been ruined.
Maybe forever.
“Can’t tonight…or…?” She searched his eyes for the answer she wanted. One he couldn’t give.
“Or.” He inhaled. “I’m sorry. You’re pretty, and fun and—”
Wendy held her hand up. “Say no more. It was the woman who stormed out of here crying a few minutes ago, wasn’t it?”
He’d sent Eden away crying. What kind of monster did that?
His father. When he left, Mom had been weeping.
Knox only nodded.
“She’s a lucky woman then. To hold your heart.” She rose on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on his cheek. “I know I’ve wished I could.”
Eden did more than hold it. She owned it, held power over it.
“What’d she do, Knox? To tame you?”
Knox smirked, but inside he wanted to drown in a bottle of Jack. Eden tame him? Hardly. If anything she’d drawn out a ravenous animal. “Be careful. Ice is going to fall heavier. Roads are gonna be slick.”
She squeezed his bicep. “Take good care of her, Knox. When you find love, you’d do well to hang on to it.”
Wendy called it straight. Knox was in love with Eden. And he had nothing of substance to offer her.
CHAPTER TEN
Eden had worked tirelessly to rid Wednesday night from her mind, to no avail. The taste of Knox—powerful and overwhelming—the electrifying sensation of his scruff leaving passionate burns on her skin filled her thoughts during the day and her dreams at night. He’d awakened parts of her that had been dormant since Nathan died. The feelings in and of themselves didn’t cause condemnation. Women and men were meant to be attracted physically. But the warning had blared a while before she dragged it to a halt. Later, she repented of ignoring and disobeying the signal.
Why did things have to be so complicated? Eden refused to be with a man who didn’t believe as she did.
Lord, what is going on with me? Take these feelings away.
It wasn’t just the physical attraction. She’d blocked that a long time ago. It was the tenderness in his voice, the thoughtfulness to bring her a tree. The way he followed through on his promises to her son and encouraged him to be more than he could—yet did Knox want to be more? Yes. The way he listened and contemplated Gabe’s sermons. His generous spirit to open the doors of his bar and help others. Filling Christmas baskets. He was a good man. But a good man wasn’t enough.
Still, she owed him yet another apology. He’d told her he was trying to control his passion and she’d ignored that. Knox wasn’t a man of simple kisses. When a woman invited herself into his space—or in Eden’s case practically thrown herself there—it was for the kind of company that didn’t require talking. He’d sealed her moment of weakness with a kiss then commanded her to leave when she pulled the plug. Had he been angry when she refused him more? It had gotten overheated. Didn’t matter. She knew better. He didn’t. An apology was in order and it’d come with a heap of humiliation.
Eden’s cell phone rang. Another hockey mom. “Hey, Kari.”
“Jennifer Inman went into labor. Practice is obviously cut short.”
She was barely eight months along. “Who’s with the children?”
“Dave is there, but he doesn’t know a thing about hockey.”“I’m on my way and praying.” Eden rushed out the door, jumped in the truck, and gripped the wheel.
Ice still covered the roads. What should have taken her fifteen minutes turned into thirty. The boys were huddled on the frozen lake, taking turns at slap shots while Kari’s husband Dave rambled on his cell phone.
A few other parents had arrived. Eden pushed through the snow, thankful for snow boots. Not the greatest weather for hockey practice, but that was irrelevant at the moment.
Dave hung up the phone. “The baby was born. A boy. It’s touch-and-go, but Jennifer is doing okay.”
Eden whispered a prayer for the child and the family. “I guess the rest of the season is over.”
“Appears so. I wouldn’t have had them out here with ice on the road anyway.” Dave shrugged.
Eden called Eli, and he came tromping toward her. “Can we go to Poppy’s house?”
“Not tonight, babe. Let’s get home where it’s warm.” She flicked her lights on high and white-knuckled the wheel.
“Is Coach’s baby okay? Mr. Dave said it was early.”
“I hope so. We’ll pray.” She turned right just as a flash of something skittered in front of the car. She braced Eli with her arm as the car skidded, making donuts in the road. Someone screamed. Maybe her. Maybe Eli.
“Oh God help us!” The car slid down the road and into the ditch. Eden caught her breath. “Eli, are you okay?”
With eyes like saucers, her baby nodded. Pelts of ice covered the hood with a tinkling sound.
They couldn’t walk in this. Calling Audrey wasn’t an option. She had no business out in this kind of weather. It was almost five, the sun already dipped below the horizon. Pop had probably already tossed back a few so that was out of the question.
Gabriel. She’d call him. Eden grabbed her phone. But he was from Florida. Would he know how to drive in this weather? She hadn’t even done that great of a job.
“What are we gonna do, Mom?”
“I’m gonna call Mr. Everhart to come and get us.” And hope he’d come.
He answered on the fifth ring. Was he avoiding her? Surely the bar wasn’t busy on a night like this.
“Knox, I wouldn’t have called but it’s an emergency.”
“What’s happened? Is it your pop?” His voice held a charge of concern.
“No. Eli and I have had an accident off of Highway 8. We’re okay, but the truck slid into a ditch and…well…we could use a ride home.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes
or less…you sure you’re okay? No one’s hurt?”
“No. Just shaken up a bit.”
“I’m coming for you. Sit tight.” He hung up.
In less than seven minutes, his black Ford pulled up to the shoulder of the road. He climbed out. Knit cap and work boots. Eden rolled her window down. “I’m sorry for calling you, but…no one else could have taken care of us.”
He rubbed his brow and pursed his lips. Was he irked? Sometimes he was hard to read.
“I can call a tow truck tomorrow or pull you out myself, but it’s freezing, and it’s only going to get worse, so let me just take you home.” He leaned in the window. “Hey, sport. You okay?”
“Yep. Coach Inman’s wife had a baby but it’s sick.”
Knox looked to Eden for an explanation. “Premature. He left practice.”
“Why are they practicing in this weather? Does he have any idea how to coach…or when to?” He muttered under his breath and opened Eden’s door. “Crawl out this side, Eli, okay?”
Ice peppered Eden and slid down her neck, raising chill bumps. She and Eli hurried to Knox’s warm truck and scrambled inside. Eli sat between the two. Good. Distance. Even now, her stomach did nosedives and her pulse raced.
“Hey, you should coach us now, Knox.” Eli turned the vents toward him.
“I’m sure Coach Inman will be back next week.” He glanced at Eden and she shook her head.
“I used the shoulder deke you taught me that day we went to Pine Lake, and I almost made a goal. So close.” Eli pounded his fist in his hand. “I could taste it, ya know?”
Knox chuckled. “We’ll get you there, champ. Takes time and practice.”
“That’s what Mom says.”
Knox glimpsed Eden. “She’d be right.”
They fishtailed into Eden’s slick drive. The nativity lit next door.
Hope Under Mistletoe (Seasons of Hope Book 1) Page 7
