Just Give Me a Reason

by Rebecca Rogers Maher

  I fuck her—like she wants me to. Like I want to. Deeply, and hard. Her belly presses against mine. Her tits are in my mouth—one and then the other. Her hands are in my hair, and she’s riding my cock, head thrown back, tightening and clenching around me.

  I arch my hips so that the base of my cock presses her clit and she moans, low and guttural.

  “Oh, God, yes, like that. Tony. I’m gonna come again.”

  “Yes.” I brush my open mouth over hers. “Let me feel you.”

  She leans back, bracing her hands on my thighs, and takes what she wants. She takes my cock hard and drives herself over the edge.

  It’s her full and complete abandon that makes me finally lose control.

  I grip her shoulders and move wildly, and she convulses around me and makes a sound full of simple ecstasy and joy. “Do it, Tony.” She bears down hard on my cock. “Do it.”

  And it’s so simple. Those words. That freedom. I don’t hold back at all. When I start to jerk against her, she slides her tongue into my mouth and kisses me. She wraps both arms around my shoulders and takes every frantic thrust. Every moaning gasp—right into her mouth. Into her body. She takes it all. And I give it—everything that I have.

  “Beth.”

  I give it all to her.

  Chapter 10

  Beth

  The morning sun in Holly’s garden is warm on my back through three layers of clothing. I cradle a hot cup of coffee in my hands and watch the chrysanthemums on the perimeter wave in the breeze.

  I opened my eyes this morning to birds singing. To my body singing. It took me a moment to wake fully, to process the reason why.

  I remembered Tony, moaning my name, buried deep, his arms tight around me. And I closed my eyes again and hid down under the blanket.

  I could still smell him on me. The scent of his sweat, his passion.

  God.

  I didn’t know it would be like that. So intense it was almost otherworldly. I’m not sure what to attribute it to—the sensitivity of my body right now? The out-of-time nature of this post-storm weekend?

  Or Tony himself?

  The last possibility is the most disturbing. And at the same time, the most exciting.

  I think of his face as he touched me, the way his eyes burned. Of how sweet his hands felt. His mouth. His skin.

  Above all, I think of how good my body feels today. Like I was starving and now I’ve been fed. It’s no more sophisticated than that. I wanted to be fucked, and I was fucked.

  Soundly.

  By a very good, very steady, very interesting man.

  I’m not sure how I feel about that. Intellectually speaking, that is.

  Physically, I’m quite sure. I feel fucking great.

  I feel like I can breathe this morning. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

  I feel like I want to do it again.

  Which definitely would not be wise.

  Holly left me a voicemail last night, breathless and elated. “I have news!” she said, and I knew that Ray had proposed to her. I called her back this morning, bright and early, since she wakes up like clockwork every day at six a.m. She told me about their ride on the Maid of the Mist, how Ray asked her right as they surged into the full force of the Falls.

  Afterward, Ray and Drew took her out for dinner and ice cream. She sent me photos and I thought, They’re already a family.

  She’s moving on to a new phase of her life now. A joyful one, I think. For her and for Drew.

  I’m not sure what, exactly, I’m moving into. I’m standing on the precipice of motherhood, but I have no idea what kind of mother I’ll be. Whether I’ll be good at it. Whether I’ll enjoy it. Whether I’ll lose myself in it.

  The only thing I know is that everything in my world is changing.

  And in the midst of all that change is Tony.

  Beyond the edge of the garden, the back door creaks open. He stands there, unshaven, holding the coffee mug I’d left out for him. His hair is mussed, and his T-shirt looks slept in.

  He sees me sitting in the sunlight in a garden chair, and his mouth slips into a shy smile.

  Lord have mercy. I want to go to him and lick him all over, like a lollipop.

  “Morning.” His voice is gravelly.

  “Hey.” I point to the low chair beside me. “Want to come sit?”

  “Sure.” He steps carefully along the path between Holly’s plants and takes a seat next to me.

  Neither of us says anything for a while. We sip our coffee and listen to the wind chimes at the back window.

  After a few minutes, Tony asks if I slept well.

  He doesn’t know, because we didn’t go to bed together. Last night, after we detached ourselves from each other, we went to our separate rooms. At my request.

  I would have liked his company, but I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

  Anymore, that is, than I had by having sex with him.

  After we said good night, I stayed awake for a long while berating myself—even as my body nearly wept with relief. Because despite my vow to not get involved with him, I was weak. I let it happen anyway.

  If he were the one-night-stand type, we could pass this off as a little temporary fun and laugh about it in the morning. But that’s not who Tony is. I knew that, and I let him touch me anyway. I made love to him anyway.

  I don’t usually like to even say that term. It adds unnecessary romance to a transaction that is physical. Not that there can’t be any connection involved—there can be, if two people like and respect each other.

  Which Tony and I do.

  It’s just that I can’t let it go any further than that.

  I have to be honest with him about the limits—the hard, serious limits—to what I can offer. I have no space in my life for any kind of boyfriend, and I have to hope that even after last night, he understands that.

  “I slept well, yeah,” I answer finally. “You?”

  He leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. “Very.”

  I smile at the look of calm on his face. I feel it, too—replete and satisfied. Despite my worries, I’m glad we both have this moment. That we gave that to each other.

  “Did Ray call you last night?”

  He opens his eyes and grins. “Yeah. He did. Can you believe what a cheeseball he is? Proposing on a tour boat. Dios.”

  “Holly didn’t seem to mind.”

  He shakes his head slowly. “Match made in heaven, I guess.”

  I smile. “Kind of, yeah.”

  “I’m happy for them,” Tony says. “Seriously.”

  “Me too.” I nod, and then make a face. “I guess that makes us…family.”

  He snorts at that. I flash back to last night on the couch and laugh.

  “Tony…” I begin. I still need to talk to him. To make sure things are absolutely clear.

  He holds up a hand. “I know what you’re going to say.” He tilts his head against the chair’s back and looks carefully at me, the sunlight full in his face.

  I lean forward and set my coffee mug on the ground. “You do?”

  He nods. “You don’t want a relationship.”

  I raise an eyebrow, surprised by his even tone.

  “You don’t want anything serious. You just want to be friends.”

  “Well…” I say, but he holds up his hand again and sits forward.

  “I get it, Beth.”

  “Do you?”

  He nods and gestures toward my belly. “You have more than enough on your plate at the moment. You don’t need to be adding the likes of me to the mix. Right?”

  I let out a long breath. “That’s…yeah, that’s kind of it. I mean…” I trail off and watch the way the sunlight plays over his face. God, he is handsome. His brown eyes crinkle at the corners as he squints against the sun. “Look, Tony…”

  He shakes his head slowly. “You don’t have to say anything else, Beth. Okay? It’s all right. It’s probably not the best idea for me, ei
ther, right now. My…you know, the divorce. It’s so recent, still. And I’m not in the best condition to be starting anything. It’s only that it was…that you are…” He stops and looks at me. “That you’re so fucking perfect.”

  I smile at that, a little sadly.

  Tony links his hands together, as if for ballast. “I lost my mind for a minute.”

  “I did, too.” I say this without hesitation.

  Tony nods, gazing at me. “Did you?”

  I lean forward on my knees and hold my face in my hands. “I really did.”

  Around us, the last plants of the season lean toward the cool October sun. Tony watches them in silence for a moment. Then he asks if I’m going to work today.

  “Yeah, but only the morning shift. I’ll be done by two.”

  He nods at this. “I was thinking of going for a hike this afternoon. Would you want to, I mean…”

  I sit back in my chair. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugs and looks down into his coffee. “I really would like to be friends. If we can.”

  “If we can,” I repeat. “That’s a big question after last night.”

  “Which was—” He looks up at me quickly, and then away.

  “Which was hot as hell.”

  He laughs. “Yeah.”

  “It’s going to be interesting seeing Holly and Ray at Thanksgiving, no? Can you please pass the gravy? Also, Ray, I don’t know if you know this, but your brother has a truly magnificent penis.”

  Tony covers his eyes with his hand and grins.

  “Are you going to tell Holly?”

  I scoff. “Heck no.”

  “Yeah.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “I’m not telling Ray, either. It would be…”

  “Complicado,” I say.

  “Precisamente.”

  I scoot forward in my chair and sip my coffee. “How about this. Why don’t we just chalk it up to being human, okay? And try to move forward.”

  “Yeah.” Tony nods. “That’s probably best.”

  “I mean, Ray and Holly aren’t here, and we were kind of thrown together in this house. And it’s a weird time, right? A transition time, for both of us. They’ll come back in a few days and everything will kind of fall back into place and seem normal again. Don’t you think?”

  “Yes,” Tony agrees. “When they get home, sure. It’ll be back to normal.”

  His eyes narrow for a moment, and he presses the rim of the coffee cup against his mouth. His fingers grip the handle.

  “What’re you thinking?” I ask. “You look like you’re thinking something dastardly.”

  He shakes his head. “Nothing. It’s…I mean, nothing.”

  I raise an eyebrow.

  “It’s just that…” He set the mug in his lap and taps it with his fingers. “Ray and Holly…they’re not home yet.”

  “No…” I tilt my head at him.

  “And I’m not going home yet.”

  “Okay.”

  “And we’re going to be friends, right?”

  “Right,” I say.

  “But for this week, before they get home…”

  I pull back. “Tony.”

  “No.” He holds up a hand. “Hear me out. The damage is already done, so to speak. Isn’t it?”

  “Well, yes, but…”

  He sets his coffee cup down on the ground, and leans forward. “I understand your terms, Beth. I know you don’t want anything serious.”

  “Do you?” I ask. “Because you seemed pretty serious. Last night.”

  “Oh yeah?” He looks me full in the face, challenging me. “So did you.”

  I narrow my eyes, but after a moment I have to nod. “That’s only because you’re seriously fucking sexy.”

  He laughs. “Likewise.”

  I sit back again in my chair. “So let me get this perfectly clear. You want to keep on having sex until Holly and Ray come home. And then what? We act like it never happened?”

  Tony smiles a little. “Kind of?”

  “And then we’re just…friends after that?”

  “I mean…” Tony shrugs. “It’ll be tough either way, right?”

  “So we might as well have a good time this week, is what you’re saying.”

  He nods slowly. “Yeah.”

  I watch his face for a long time. He is steady and calm, which reassures me.

  He’s also gorgeous.

  Do I want to keep having sex with him this week? Of course I do. But it’s a terrible risk we’d be taking.

  I glance down at my belly, at the looming responsibility it represents. The long months of nursing, of not sleeping, of cleaning up after someone whose primary job is to cry and crap his pants.

  I close my eyes and remember how it felt to be naked with Tony, to kiss him and take him inside me.

  “Okay,” I tell him. “Fine.”

  It’s probably a huge mistake.

  But it’s less than a week that we’d be together. How serious could it possibly get in so short a time?

  “Friends with benefits, then.” I hold out my hand.

  His warm palm meets mine. “Friends with benefits.”

  “And when Holly and Ray come back, we’re back to just plain friends.”

  I search his face, but if he’s feeling any doubt, it is carefully concealed. He nods and squeezes my hand.

  Then he lets go and heads inside.

  —

  After work, I drive to the trailhead I suggested to Tony and park my car in the empty lot. It’s midway up the mountain, which means our hike will be short, and this time of year on a late Tuesday afternoon, it’s unlikely that we’ll see other hikers. Our sunset summit will be exactly what we want—quiet and peaceful.

  I stopped at home on my way to the store this morning and picked up hiking boots to wear under my skirt, along with an oversized wool cardigan. This could be my last hike for a while, at the rate the baby’s developing. I’m closing in on thirty weeks now, and soon it will be too much work to haul my pregnant ass up a mountain. I intend to enjoy this, and for that matter, every fleeting moment that I have with Tony. So that when it’s time to cool things off, we’ll both be ready.

  It’s the perfect relationship, in a way. Meaningful but finite. It can end when it’s still good, and we’ll both take away our fond memories before they’ve had the chance to sour.

  I open the car door and wind a long linen scarf around my neck. Holly gave it to me for my birthday last year. It’s burnt-orange and smells like the ginger lotion I sometimes rub on my swelling belly.

  Tony pulls in a moment later in his black SUV. He steps out into the lot, wearing a blue plaid shirt, jeans, and work boots. With his beard coming in, and his soft brown eyes, he looks like sex on a stick.

  I shoulder my daypack, shut the car door, and go over and kiss him.

  For a moment, when I take his face in my hands, he goes still. I feel him breathe in. And then his fingers slide slowly into my hair and he’s kissing me back. Gently, tentatively. Like he’s keeping himself in check.

  I pull away and study his face. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” He clears his throat. “I’m good. You?”

  “Sure,” I say. “You want to get started? I figure it’ll take us a half hour or so to reach the top, and the sun should be setting by then.”

  “Great.” He takes my pack and swings it over his shoulder. “You brought a flashlight?”

  “Yep. You don’t have to carry—”

  He holds up a hand. “Please. My mother would never forgive me if I let you hold that bag.”

  I smile and gesture toward the start of the trail. “Ready?”

  He nods, and I lead the way up the sloping path. Around us, oak and maple trees mix with pine and fir, forming a canopy of color above our heads that nearly blocks the remaining sunlight. No traffic sounds penetrate this deep into the woods—only the whir of hidden insects and the trill of birds settling in for the night.

  Tony
studies the dense brush on either side of the trail. “It’s not Queens, I’ll say that.”

  “Have you ever gone hiking before?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “Alexa and I drove up a couple times to Bear Mountain before the kids were born.”

  I nod and go on walking up the path, unbuttoning the top of my sweater. It’s getting warmer now that the incline has begun. Beside me, Tony rolls up the sleeves of his shirt.

  “How long were you two together?” I ask.

  “Sixteen years,” he says. “Married for twelve.”

  “Wow.” I watch the path. The recent storm left rivulets behind, carrying away sediment and leaving behind a network of new rocks and roots. “Long time.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Sounds like you had some good moments, though.”

  “Oh, no doubt. Lots of them. She was…my friend. My best friend.”

  I wince at that. “Must have been hard to lose that.”

  He nods, eyes on the ground. “It was, yeah.”

  I watch him as he walks and debate whether to ask the question I’m thinking. I consider keeping it to myself, but I’ve never been very good at that.

  “Didn’t you…I mean, didn’t it feel wrong, though? Not having an…intimate life? I mean, how did you get right with that?”

  He looks at me sideways and almost smiles. “You don’t mince words, do you?”

  I shrug, only half-apologetic. “Not really.”

  “How did I get right with it?” He takes a long, deep breath and steps over a thick root that’s in his way. “I…I don’t know, Beth. I guess I just shut that part down, you know what I mean?”

  I shake my head decisively. “No.”

  He makes a face. “There must have been a time in your life when you’ve had to kind of put your head down and keep moving, right? That’s how it was. We were busy. We had our work, and then the kids. And I just kind of—”

  “Repressed it?”

  He slows down for a second, but then resumes his pace up the incline. “I wouldn’t use that word.”