Chageet's Electric Dance

by Ashir, Rebecca

  My grandmother gave me this book on Kabbalah and meditation to give you. She is not a typical religiously observant woman, so when she was much younger, she secretly learned Talmud and Kabbalah, which is not usually studied by women. She said that she sees a strong intensity in your nature, a strong light force revealed in your emotions that is a special gift, giving you the ability to connect to God in an intense manner that is special. A friend of mine wrote some translations and commentary on the book in English, so you can read it if you like. In the future, we can have the entire book translated, but I think this is enough to start. The secrets of how to heal with light and God’s names are in this book. This is how I learned.

  Barbey had never meditated and it seemed like a boring endeavor to her. Meditation made her think of some strange monks sitting Indian style, suspended in air. While that seemed intriguing, she had never imagined herself engaging in such an activity. She had been more drawn to the other books she had recently read discussing topics of the concept of freewill, the creation of the world, and enlightened marriages. Intuitively, she knew the book Gavriel had given her was special, but it frightened her. That was why she decided to read it in the cave that as a child also frightened her. She had turned her fears into utter bliss in this cave. She remembered being astonished that she could initially have been so afraid of a place that soon became her favorite, most blissful place. This revealed that darkness could be transformed into light.

  She looked down at a note Gavriel’s grandmother had made in the book and saw that it said, “Light a match in a dark room and light will overpower the darkness.” She looked up at the kerosene lamps and saw the cave glowing in bright light. She looked back onto the page in the book and saw, “In a meditative state, carve one of the 72 names of God into your mind and light will illuminate forth, exuding out to the world, bringing forth tremendous pleasure—the purpose of existence.” Continuing to read on, she encountered one of the three letter names of God written in Hebrew letters. Closing her eyes, she took the name into her mind, but could not hold the letters clearly in her imagination. Static filled her mind like splotches and zigzags of light. Though she was slightly frustrated, the book intrigued her and although she didn’t understand meditation yet, she began to intuit that meditation was a path to enlightenment.

  After spending hours reading the commentaries in the book and struggling with the meditation exercises, Barbey left the cave in darkness. As she stepped out of the cave into the hot bright light, suddenly the hawk swooped down and began attacking her head. She screamed in terror, fighting the hawk off. His claws dug into her head and neck as blood trickled down her face. She fell to the ground and passed out.

  When she woke up, it was dark out. The moon was full overhead and the air made quiet night sounds like a cold slight buzz and insect chatter. She felt the dried blood in her gnarled hair and upon her face. She laughed. It’s absurd! How could a hawk attack a person?! It’s impossible. What is reality? Just then, as she looked ahead at the cold moon, she realized that she could never fully grasp reality, at least not in this world, but she would continue trying. She would continue to search for truth even though with each truth, a new truth seemed to follow, sometimes contradicting the previous truth. Or did they really contradict each other? Maybe they were both true at the same time. Maybe all truths are connected together as one. Her head ached. She’d never give up. Suddenly, she felt full of vigor and strength as she stood up, wiping the dirt from her knees and thighs. Her mouth was dry. She wondered if maybe she had suffered from heat stroke and possibly that was why she had passed out. She decided that life was simply strange and she must accept this. Pleased with her conclusion, she threw her backpack of books into the cave aggressively and walked home.

  50

  After spending the afternoon together at the beach, Barbey was surprised that Gavriel took her out to eat at the same dark, little dive that Rave and Parker brought Sage and her to the night they met at El Figurado in Tijuana. The restaurant was just off of Revolution Avenue and looked exactly the same as she remembered it with only three tables, a cash register, a food counter, a help-yourself refrigerator and a small open kitchen. Just as before, the restaurant was empty, aside from the cook and the waiter.

  The waiter and cook greeted Gavriel animatedly. The cook looked at Barbey and said to her, “We love this man. He a tzadik, a righteous man. Everybody loves Gavriel, Gavriel Or ben Yitzchak. He let poor people use his cars whenever they need and he buy they food and pay for they house. He give them jobs. He heal the sick and he say all from God. Everybody come to him for advice. He give blessings and they come true.”

  “Hey, hey, hey… Thank you—enough.” Gavriel turned away for a moment.

  “He look like a movie star or model, but he act like a tzadik.”

  Gavriel’s face was hard to read as he led her to the exact middle table against the wall where she, Rave, Sage and Parker sat so many years back. A wave of nausea swished through Barbey’s stomach suddenly as she stared into the fire of the same flickering oil candle that sat on the table, swaying side to side in the dimness of the room. When she looked at Gavriel, all she could see was Rave staring back at her with his obsidian eyes. It was as if she and Rave were the only people in the world. As he gazed at her, Barbey felt like she was being pumped intravenously with his warm, thick blood. This connection felt inevitable and she felt like the blood was flowing though her and back through him like they were the ancient blood-red Nile of Egypt and there was no separation between them. Just as the red waters flowed together as one, so did she and Rave. They were each other’s life force—they were the blood of the earth.

  Gavriel smiled playfully. “I know this place is not fancy, but I like it. Their burritos—muy bueno. I came here a lot as a kid. That’s why I wanted to share it with you.” He handed her a glossy menu with a symbol on the front of a Star of David with the letter “K” in the center.

  She tried to take the menu, but her hands felt hard and plastic as it slipped through her fingers, falling to the table. She felt her nose twitch as it grew slightly. She tried to speak, but her lips pursed together, sealed shut into a rubbery pink pucker. Quickly she looked to the glass refrigerator from where Rave had stolen the bottles of beer—her eyes hardened into a purple, empty stare.

  “Ok tonto. Let’s get some soda from the fridge,” Gavriel said as he got up from the table, motioning to Barbey. The rhythm and tone of Rave’s voice was low and smooth like a lullaby. Though Barbey’s legs felt stiff and plastic, she was able to rise from the table as he led her to the glass refrigerator in the front of the restaurant. She felt like he was leading her to a mystical realm.

  Gavriel leaned against the refrigerator cheerfully, looking around the restaurant when he said, “I’m happy cause my uncle said because he lost his money from the club, he changed as a person in his pain—became more spiritual—and decided to close the club. He’s a great guy.” He looked at Barbey, but she simply stared at him blankly. “Now he wants to make it a learning and meditation center. He’ll have me manage it and lead some classes. And I want to hire you—if you like—and you can teach Tehillim Dance. Mi abuela try to create this special dance style as a young woman, but never complete it or share her idea with the world. It’s a special dance where you make movements to words of Psalms which connects you to God and high spiritual realms. She tell me about it and I see her do it some as a boy. You can create it further—finish it, make it more beautiful, and then teach it if it makes you happy.”

  Barbey looked at Rave in awe as she imagined him running his moon ring across the beer bottles on the shelves the way an angel strums a harp. The music of the bottles clanked and chimed in her heart like sacred music and she knew her life had forever changed. She looked back at Sage who was looking across the restaurant at her with jealousy in her eyes and she didn’t care. She couldn’t care—Rave was too much to give up.

  “Are you ok, Barbey?” Gavriel appeared concerned. “Your eye
s look frozen like a doll’s.”

  She didn’t respond because her lips were sealed shut and painted in place. She wondered if she had Stockholm syndrome like Rave and was now forever attached to her abuser and his evil ways. It became apparent to her that just as movies, fairy tales, and fashion magazines had conditioned her to think in their ideologies, the terror Rave and John Prince had inflicted upon her had conditioned her as well to be attached to them. She was now reliving a movie scene from her past. If only she could somehow press the fast forward button, maybe she could connect to the Light of the Infinite Reality rather than to the evil and chaos that she had been conditioned to create. Do I have to accept this memory trigger and fall victim to a destructive reality? She shook her head—no! I’m not just one of Pavlov’s dogs who are programmed to act according to stimulus response. I have freewill—I am created in God’s image—I am above time and space! She realized suddenly that she had the choice to feel and be any way she wanted—she just had to believe. Her reality was her choice.

  “I’m ok, now,” she said to Gavriel as she took a grape soda from the refrigerator.

  “I’m worried about you—you look scared. You don’t like this place?”

  They sat back down at the table. “You know, to be truthful—Rave brought me here the first night I met him. Being in this restaurant again brought back uncomfortable memories.”

  “Oh, I didn’t know he brought you here.” He masked his disappointment. “Let’s go to another place—I’ll take you.”

  “No—I’m fine now. Really.” She looked over at the heavy set cook who was scraping the greasy griddle with a large metal spatula. “I realized something tonight.”

  “What?”

  “I realized that I don’t have to let my past effect me if I don’t want to. When we first came in here, I kept seeing Rave in you and I was afraid that maybe I’d always think of him when I looked at you. But then I realized that my mind is stronger than that and that I don’t have to be controlled by my past. It’s hard to explain, but I realize now that I am free to make my choices intellectually and not let the world, the media, or anyone else control what I do and what I think.”

  “I know what you’re saying. When you were with mi hermano, it was all about the ‘romance’ for you and that’s not a true concept. Romance isn’t even a word in ancient Hebrew—it’s not in the bible. Romance is an illusion—it comes from a desire to receive only for yourself. When people marry, they, yes, need to be attracted to each other—that comes from God, but they shouldn’t make decisions to be together from a desire to receive for the self alone. They need to marry for the purpose of connecting to God. When each person does everything for a higher purpose than themselves, estan contento—they are fulfilled. Desiring romance is about serving yourself.”

  “I see what you mean. When I was with Rave I was only thinking about my feelings and what made me feel good. And he was the same way. But, to achieve a successful union, you actually need to think about what you can give to the other person and you need to give only for the sake of fulfilling God’s will and not your own or anyone else’s sake.”

  “You got it.” He smiled facetiously.

  “Why are you smiling like that?”

  “It’s just that I’m crazy for you and it makes me want to laugh.”

  She blushed. “That’s a funny thing to say. Why does that make you want to laugh?”

  “I just want to make you happy and I’m not sure all the time it’s for the sake of heaven. I just want you.”

  Her eyes widened as her heart fluttered in excitement. “Well, I guess it’s a process to fully reach that level,” she whispered, trying to hide her feelings.

  “God wants us to have pleasure—we just have to have it in a proper structure otherwise it burns out quickly.”

  The waiter took their orders. For the rest of the evening Barbey grew more and more intrigued with Gavriel and his true desire to grow spiritually. She saw that he was a deep, layered person with many insights into life and human nature. She liked that he was playful and usually didn’t take himself too seriously. He cared about people and had a strong desire to help mankind. He wasn’t like Rave—he would never use another person for his own benefit. That’s what pleased her the most. He was good.

  A group of young women walked into the restaurant and when they saw Gavriel they giggled excitedly, whispering amongst themselves. They sat at the table next to them and kept sneaking glances at him.

  “Those girls seem obsessed with you,” Barbey whispered.

  “They graduate from same school I go to as a kid.”

  Just then a gorgeous young woman in a stylish dress waltzed into the restaurant. As she flipped her long golden hair, she smiled at Gavriel. The girls at the table beside, signalled her to join them. She glided over, her feet hardly touching the ground, and said in a soft, enchanting voice, “Hola, Gavriel.”

  Gavriel nodded, hardly noticing her flirtatious air as he said to Barbey, “I read your mind sometimes.”

  She looked at him, surprised with his intriguing comment.

  “I not even have to be in same room as you and I know what you’re doing, what you’re thinking. Then you call and say, “I just write you a letter” and I already know this before you tell me because I see it in my thoughts, like a little mind movie. I see you sitting at a blue desk with flowered paper, perfumed. You write to me and I see your truth.”

  Barbey blushed. “I did write you a letter last night and it was just as you said. How do you know I was writing at a blue desk though and how did you know the paper I used? I didn’t send it yet and I didn’t tell you that. I was at Sage’s house and you’ve never been there.”

  “I saw it in my mind. I see things about you all the time.”

  “You couldn’t have been spying on me because the room I was in has no windows.”

  Gavriel smiled crookedly. “There’s much about me you don’t know…” he paused, “…but I know you.”

  They bid the cook and waiter goodbye. But, as they stepped out onto the sidewalk, the night air chilly on Barbey’s shoulders, a vagrant grabbed Barbey’s purse from her arm, knocking her into the street. Before she could gather her senses, an on coming car sped over her. The pain from the exorbitant weight and the tires running over her was so intense and shocking. Her mind went blank.

  In a rush, Gavriel pulled her from the street. The car stopped ahead and a screaming European woman climbed out. “I didn’t see her!” She covered her face, crying in anguish. “Oh, my God!”

  Gavriel carried Barbey into the restaurant and laid her on the table. “Everybody get out he commanded. His voice was hoarse as he waved his arms for everyone to back away. Get everyone out of here,” he instructed the cook. “Now!”

  The cook directed the customers and the frantic European woman out of the restaurant. “We have to call an ambulance,” one of the young women cried.

  Once they were alone, Gavriel looked at Barbey. She was unconscious. Blood poured from her smashed, mangled legs and hips. His breath caught in his throat and a deep pain seemed to overwhelm him for a moment before he shook his head, gathering focus. Then he closed his eyes. He couldn’t concentrate; his despair was too great. He knew he had to overcome his attachment and devastation before he could connect to the light of God. His mind cleared and light filled his being. Carving the image of one of God’s names in his mind, he saw the Hebrew letter combination as the light poured forth into the image of Babey’s body, lighting it up in purification. The bones and tissues reformed and the skin sealed. In his mind, she was whole and perfect, imbued in God’s light. He felt her core as if it was his own. It was like he became her entirely. He knew her thoughts and feelings, the scent of her essence. They were one with each other and one with the Almighty, the one and only healer.

  When he opened his eyes, Barbey smiled softly at him. Her body was healed. “What happened?”

  “You were hit by a car, but Hashem healed you. Praise to Hashem, the
one and only!” The ambulance drivers then opened the door and Gavriel rushed away alone.

  51

  Barbey thought she heard the car coming before it topped the little speed bump in the street that her Mexican American neighbors in her apartment complex called an enchilada. It’s him, she thought. Gavriel—coming to pick her up for their date. From the window of her small studio apartment—but far enough inside that she could not easily be detected—she watched the road Gavriel would have to drive by on to get to the parking lot.