I Love My Love

by Reyna Biddy

  You were never worthy.

  my mother's interlude:

  At 16 I was pregnant with what I thought would be a blessing

  I never even questioned the commitment or consequences

  Scared to say the least, but this love shit is all I got

  To become a mom without one hurts, but I promised you’d have a lot

  You were about 4 or 5 when your dad left us for that broad..

  Took ’em six whole years to come around ’n’ tell it all

  You picked up the phone, member?

  “Mom.. some lady Stella called”

  One baby girl and a newborn boy that weren’t mine

  I always told that n*gga I wanted a big family, it just wasn’t time

  All we did was fight, he’d put his hands on me like every other night

  I watched you watch me suffer

  Then shortly after, as you was crying

  You said “Mom.. Where was God?”

  You kept going, even after I yelled stop

  Trust me.. it won’t happen again

  He could get the fuck up out my house with his bitch ass lyin’

  Fuck every kid he got and ima kill his baby mama, watch

  Thank God we ain’t committed by the law

  He got me fucked up fucking around, but to go inside it raw

  After everything we went thru, time hasn’t made shit more simple

  Hate to look my baby in the face and see him in you

  No sight of pistols but he had me whipped around his bullshit

  I’m sorry I fucked you up

  Promise me you won’t lose it..

  Men have a habit of saying shit they don’t mean then never prove it

  Your grandpa loved to remind me that these n*ggas ain’t shit

  Wish he was a free man so he could see my downfall.

  the love note

  my mother never

  wrote me:

  Wow. You look beautiful today.

  Every day you find a way to shine brighter than the last.

  Every day you remind me that there’s no use in regretting the past.

  Every day I see myself in you and pray you have the strength to move

  past whoever holds you back.

  I’m sorry I was always afraid of lonely.

  I’m sorry I was addicted to the way that men hold me..

  I hope you understand that lust never lasts. And I hope you learn to tell the difference between lust and romance.

  There will be hundreds of men and most will do what it takes for you to let them in. Most will love your bones till they ache and then they’ll break your heart in the end.

  They’ll sell you white lies and empty promises that you’ll become more attached to than them. The men will be sorry enough to touch where it hurts and make sins with your skin.

  Then they’ll leave again.

  Leaving you more vulnerable.. more dim. But I promise the world sees you and admires how fragile your heart has always been. If I could be around your whole life, during your loneliest nights, I would pick up your chin. I would let you know how amazing you are from within. You know.. God has a funny way of putting the fiercest fire in our souls just to see the breakdown during our emptiest alone. Just to see the breakthrough once we love ourselves back to whole. Every night I pray for your well-being before I pray for my own. I imagine you could use it. I imagine some days you lose it. Life has a way of showing us ourselves through mini bruises. But here’s a reminder. You look beautiful tonight. Every night you’ve found a way to shine brighter than the last. Your spirit speaks wonders and your energy uplifts the mass. Wow. I’m sorry I forgot to teach you about the light within that comes from

  loving you before loving someone else.

  message,

  thinking everyone has the same heart as you

  will leave you fucked up.

  mellifluous

  I was sure I swallowed your pride that evening

  you moaned you love me as I was on my knees

  wondering if God could forgive this too.

  hostage

  I wish it was easy for me to love you less.

  I wish you were here to help me get through this.

  I wish we could love like the teenagers who’re fearless.

  I wish you could see what you mean to me.

  I wish I could be the person you run to, for everything.

  You know I got you if you need anything.

  You know my soul was crafted to match yours perfectly.

  You know, lately I’ve been wondering..

  about you wandering.

  And why I was never enough to keep your heart still.

  And why mine could never need you less.

  And why mine could never want you less.

  And why mine could never let you be.

  And why yours forgot to set mine free.

  3 a.m.

  I stayed up late to write about you.

  It was my only time of calm.

  On my back the way you left me.

  Silent yells of nostalgia.

  You made us a promise.

  Why choose now to neglect me?

  My swollen eyes loved the bare you.

  How dare you.

  Why hurt someone whose only intention was to love you?

  time tells

  sooner or later

  you’ll get it.

  you’ll get me.

  you’ll understand why i kept trying.

  why i kept dying to be held by you.

  today

  some days are much harder than others.

  some days you wake up hoping not to be bothered.

  some days you wish you would’ve never left the bed..

  and some days you just wish the bad things could just leave your head.

  today’s that day for me.

  i hope it gets better.

  dear diary,

  i’m starting to feel empty inside.. i don’t have many friends these days. all the friends i did or do have never really were there for me, either way. i have a habit of going on autopilot and i wonder about the little pleasures in life that used to seem attainable. i imagine myself having “girls’ night out” then crashing at my best friend’s place because i’m too wasted to drive myself home. i dream about cooking five-course meals for my man and him genuinely liking every bit and piece of my hard effort, down to the sautéed asparagus seasoned with lemon. or sometimes i even hope that someone would hit me up spontaneously to take a trip to the beach right before sunset just to get stoned and share secrets we never could sober.

  i don’t know.. i guess i just haven’t found my outlet.

  and some days.. i feel i never will.

  i look around and i see everyone.

  but i don’t think anyone sees me.

  i fucking suck.

  i suck at being social,

  i suck at relationships..

  i suck at life, overall.

  i’m not worth it.

  dalliance

  I love you in ways words could never explain.

  It’s taken me time to accept that we don’t love the same.

  You mean to me what tulips mean to May.

  I’ve looked you in the eyes to see the promise of a new day.

  We’re so fragile, yet so tamed.

  Promise me you’ll never consider me a mistake.

  If I could go back to that first date, I’d probably say..

  I’m not ready for love and all of its ways.

  Some nights I stay awake and I pray

  for a better understanding on why you’ve given us up

  when you promised you’d stay.

 
You told me you’d fight for me.

  Why don’t you feel the same?

  I lost myself trying to love you, what a shame.

  To be in love with a man who leaves you astray.

  And cares nothing about you or your day.

  I’ve tried my best to stop crying, and..

  I promise I’m trying.

  I just want you so bad that it hurts—

  easy come, easy go

  You promised me the world then left mine black and white.

  Can’t help but remember who you were that night.

  We talked about our dreams and our hopes for life.

  And how nothing could go left when this felt so right,

  like damn—

  Shame on me for making a change I felt we’d both appreciate.

  Shame on you for condoning my mistakes,

  but now I’m the problem..

  I fucked you up.

  Huh?

  I learned to love you the way you said

  you’d love our unborn daughter.

  So you dipped in it raw

  while testing the waters.

  And got caught up in your own lust.

  But really.. I had plans for us.

  You weren’t sure I was the sea till my tide held tight

  and you started drowning.

  Guards should’ve warned you,

  I got that good ting.

  I’ve burned forests in your name,

  I got that good weed.

  Got me thinking,

  about you, thinking about me and

  why you left so easy.

  Someone once told me

  shit’ll leave me

  the same way it received me.

  So. Fuck it.

  love note:

  it is better to heal alone than to fall under someone new.

  you will only place yourself in a situation you are unready for.

  lost & found

  Lately I’ve been trying to remember who I am.

  Or who I was.

  Trying to retrace the steps I took to get to this numb place.

  Trying to retract every man who led me here.

  One by one I kept breaking.

  Loving the idea of what love made me.

  So happy, so alive.

  Trying to understand where I went wrong

  and how all of our feelings died.

  I just wanted to be happy with you.

  I just wanted to heal you.

  I made the mistake of believing I could heal someone,

  who’s already broken..

  and hurt myself.

  Sometimes I just.. miss me.

  - I should have loved you less.

  - I should have loved myself more.

  dear self,

  I miss your smile.

  You haven’t been yourself in a while.

  Remember who you were before society got ahold of you?

  I wish you’d see all you’re worth.

  Every ounce of you is nothing less than worthwhile.

  There’re girls who’d kill to be you—

  and believe it or not..

  there’re guys who’d kill to have you.

  You fell in love and let it consume you.

  Let love’s downfall convince you that life..

  really isn’t all that great.

  But babe, you’re fucking amazing.

  You deserve to be happier than

  anyone else could ever make you.

  You deserve to love yourself.

  I miss you.

  Come home.

  love note:

  you spend too much time guarding your heart and not enough time nurturing it. let love come inside and fill you. allow yourself to feel.. and if all fails, try again. be mindful that everything we do and everything that we go through is meant to help us grow, ultimately. throughout life we face many trials and tribulations.. we come face to face with adversity time and time again.. and we get hurt. hurt is a part of life the same way hurt is a part of growth. please, don’t allow one person, or a couple of experiences, close you off to your own self-growth. you deserve to be the better version of yourself every single day. and by guarding your heart and shutting people out—you disable yourself. you put yourself in a position where you miss out on not only a love that’s waiting for you—but life. you miss out on the most important things. you miss out on you. without opening your heart you can never truly know yourself. you can never fully love yourself. so keep going. keep learning. keep loving.

  keep being eager to learn and love new things/people.

  to all the men i've loved

  I GOT YOU

  and not in the way your boys claim they do.

  I have loyalty embedded across my lips,

  your secrets are safe with me.

  I have plans to nurture you the same way your mother did.

  I picked you the same way I pick flowers—

  I smell the beauty in them.

  The thing about me is.. I was born to love.

  I was born to treat you the way you’ve never been treated.

  Ever wonder why you still think of me on your loneliest nights?

  I mean..

  I GOT YOU!

  and not in the same way you promised you had me.

  I have unconditional gripped around my thighs,

  you could have made a home out of me.

  I used to wonder why you’ve never settled down with anyone

  then I realized I probably only picked you while in a rush.

  I was so eager for love, so I settled for you.

  The thing about me is..

  I wasn’t raised to give up.

  So.. I really got you.

  My spine was formed with elasticity

  so I could handle both the downs and the ups.

  I would have stuck around for longer than the lust..

  but you saw no future in us,

  you picked me the same way men pick attire—

  you make sure to pick someone else before the season expires..

  But I promise to God I wasn’t lying when I said

  I got you.

  Someone once told me,

  Real loss is only possible when you love someone or value something more than you love and value your own self.

  little me

  my sister loves the men the way that i did.

  hard, barebacked, with skin too soft to let go of.

  her fingers are sore from tracing the mistakes his lips make.

  she eats pineapples to prepare herself for love wars—

  but nothing tastes better than loyalty.

  nothing can replace her vulnerability,

  she loves the men who are hurting.

  i’ve watched her grow into everything they said i wouldn’t be.

  swollen spine and exhausted thighs,

  every night the lies fill her mind with certainty.

  my knees ache at the thought of

  holding down the men who refuse to be held in the open.

  my sister’s heart shatters like a glass of wine when they leave..

  the same way that mine did.

  no one taught her that love was as permanent as footprints

  in the sand or on hearts when the men abuse it.

  i’ve watched her learn lessons no school was willing to teach..

  i see a little me in her.

  we became curious at the same age.

  then we became experienced at the same pace.

  my sister’s body has maps that direct paths

  to the points where roses blossom..

  the same way that mine did.r />
  the other women make conversation about her love

  being a disease.

  some days they’d say she fell too deep.

  there were never thorns on the petals

  but she bleeds from broken leaves and killer bees.

  some nights the sky lights up

  while the same ache fills her knees..

  i always wondered what it’d be like to give away all of me..

  but through my little sister,

  i see.

  love note:

  love doesn’t hurt. love heals.

  anything or anyone that hurts you is not love.

  people who don’t know how to love, hurt.

  anything or anyone that stunts your growth, is not love.

  no matter how perfect it may seem—some days.

  there’s no such thing as a flower blooming beautifully—

  without consistency..

  without loyalty..

  without attention..

  without water..

  without real love.

  remember this.

  enough

  no more letting people in this way.

  no more letting shit slide.

  no more wondering.

  no more late night cries.

  no more trying to be the best me,

  for people who don’t really “see” me.

  no more worrying.

  no more lies.

  no more lying to self.

  no more being accepting of anyone or anything that hurts me.

  no more hurting.

  no more ignoring all the signs that are given.

  no more thinking with my heart first.

  no more broken hearts.

  no more.

  habits

  Always knew you’d be the girl who loves too hard

  after seeing you fall apart—

  every time you watched your father leave.

  dulce

  I could treat you right if you let me.. I mean, I saw the way you looked when you first met me. I know what it’s like to be frightened by love, but love.. I’m the type of love you’ve been waiting to see. I’m the type of woman who can bring you to sing. We could dance under stars or drink green tea in the spring. I could love you through the midnight hours and put you straight to sleep. You see.. I’m the kind of person you’ve been missing. I could love you so hard because I love me. I love me enough to see right through you. I can see the fear in your eyes when you look at a real woman.. a woman capable of any and everything.. a woman who doesn’t expect perfect and sees your potential.. a woman willing to work with all that you are and kiss all of your scars away.. I could be the one..