by Reyna Biddy
I talked to my grandmother this morning and she asked me where the princess she remembered raising went. She asked me how I could be good for anyone if I wasn’t good for me. She asked me if I was looking for kings who were looking for queens and how somewhere along the way I lost myself—so they all miss me.
You loved me the way my father always loved my mother and I no longer accept men with conditional traits.
As a woman I am obligated to continue loving. As a man you are eager to continue lusting. I was made gracefully with spiritual glitter and faithful glue. I was given wings that you tried to cut through. I was born with a voice that you tried to silence and a body that you tried to shame me of whenever spilling our love into someone else’s. It took me a while to see that someone like you doesn’t deserve a heart that only someone like myself was willing to offer.
I’m starting to find myself. And while picking up the pieces to my unfinished puzzle, I’m realizing that you weren’t ever meant to fit in the picture.
You left scars on my skin that will never let me forget what love isn’t.
You were wrong about me. You said I could never live without you. You thought I’d stick around for you to figure out how beautiful we could be but I planted scriptures in your palms that no one else will ever understand but all will see. Then they’ll wonder what happened—then they’ll ask about me. Tell them how I used to hold on because I loved you enough to never let you forget me. Then let them know that I’ve become forgiving and you’ve grown to resent me. I’ve grown from every verse I wrote and every word you spoke and you’ve learned my love made itself permanent on its own. You never were into practicing what you preach but I’ve decided it’s okay that you let me go, too.
I’ve already set you free.
i’ve been through a lot. i’ve seen and felt a whole lot. i’ve been broken and still, i’ve never considered folding. giving up was never an option for me. giving in was never an option for me. i refuse to sell myself short. i’m not afraid anymore. i’m not afraid to get my heart broken. i’m not afraid to take my chance on love and invest my heart into what feels right. i’m not afraid to just allow things to feel right. if anything, i’m afraid not to. i’m afraid of living a life that never plucks my heart’s strings.
i’m afraid of dying loveless.
my dear,
It is okay to be in your natural state when
your heart is made of roots that birth daisies.
It is okay to be underweight when
your soul feeds oxygen through tubes of love-scented lilies.
It is okay to be a little late when
your intentions are to express lessons
by arriving right before the moon sets
and the day breaks.
There is no such thing as time.
Yet—timing is everything.
It’s okay to wait for someone
who will touch you from the outside in
and create butterflies within your orchids.
There is no reason for rushing.
Everything happens the way it is supposed to,
whenever it’s supposed to.
It’s okay to talk all day about the kind of love
you’ve dreamed of before given the chance to bloom.
It’s okay to be insecure.
It’s common to be undernurtured.
Often, we overnourish others then end up in a drought.
But—you are a dozen roses and a field of hope.
You are every sweet kiss before they convinced you—
you aren’t worth watering.
You are love. You’ve always been love.
Weeds full of lust will keep sprouting
at the site of your growth..
but your season will never end.
Love, never end.
Because love never dies.
Your garden will continue to blossom
as soon as you appreciate each flaw
the way you do your strengths.
Then.. the thirst for something beautiful will expire.
You’ll be alright.
You always have been.
love note:
women, by nature, are healers.
heal yourself queen so you can help heal the world.
beginnings
You played a big part in me moving on to me.
Sometimes I look at my reflection and still see you.
I remember you said you needed me like you needed to breathe—
but when you let me go I saw I was the only one suffocating.
I needed me, more.
presence
while you’re busy chasing someone who doesn’t care to be caught—someone else is praying on your arrival.
someone else is waiting for your love.
stray away from what isn’t,
show up for what is.
recover
sometimes your heart will hurt. sometimes your smile will ache. sometimes your light will dim. sometimes your spirit will break. sometimes your entire world will come crashing down with no warning, and no signs.. but no matter how destroyed you feel—you have to be willing to dig deep inside of yourself to find some ambition to get you back right. you have to look out for you. you have to let go. you have to place your focus primarily on YOU. nothing about losing what’s familiar feels good.. but uncomfortable places can be beautiful. growth is beautiful. you are beautiful. you shouldn’t have to wait around and pray for someone to love you. you should love you. you should let go—because nothing worth holding on to will ever destroy you. and holding on is destroying you. trying to love someone into loving you—is destroying you. let go because you have to get ahold of you. you have to retrace your steps and figure out where you let YOU go. you have to take time to yourself to reflect on when and where you lost yourself. you have to let go of what no longer is—and accept what may have never been.. then you have to pick yourself back up. you have to release any negativity clouding your mind and you have to rid yourself of hopeful feelings. cleanse your soul. listen to your intuition. learn yourself. let go of any bad habits you’ve picked up along your journey and start over. no matter how bad or how much it hurts.. let go and start with a clean slate because..
holding on is destroying you.
okay for now
I wish someone would have told me that I’d be okay. I wish someone would have held my hand and guided me toward the right way. I wish someone would’ve helped me pick my head up and showed me what life could be. I wish someone would have smirked at my first heartbreak and instead of asking questions, let me be—then explained why it’s okay to cry—followed by all the reasons why sometimes life lets love die.
I wish I gave my time to men who knew how to kiss me on my forehead and remind me that life is nothing short of beautiful. I wish more men could see how my insides are beautiful. I wish I was taught to tell a man from a boy. I wish my mother stood beside me as I looked for defects in each mirror. I wish teachers would have encouraged me to follow my dreams instead of study for SATs. I wish the school system told me that my worth wasn’t defined by my test scores. And I wish television showed me that struggle is reality and I’d be happiest with emotional and mental stability. I wish I broke less hearts. I wish my father wouldn’t have cheated on my mother and I wish it were easier to find a lover—nothing like him. I wish it were all a little bit easier.. I wish I could speak to the younger me and apologize for all the hurt and confusion I put me through.
But God.. look what I made of me.
I wish li’l me could see.
I can’t keep from smiling.
Through every struggle I learned to find I’m far more powerful than anything formed against me.
I just wish someone would have told me—
I’d be okay.
for me
It’s a shame how hard you are on yourself.
You treat others with more love than you treat you.
You deserve to be celebrated, too.
me now
for anyone who doesn’t really know me.. i don’t really make sense yet. i’m not really in a place to stay the same yet. this is my body suit. these are my creations. these are the words that i’ve formed. i’m a (godly) woman. not meaning i’m religious, meaning there’s a God inside of me. and every day i talk to it. i’d say i do spiritual things. i have really bad habits, because i’m human. i make excuses, because I’m human. there are no happy mediums with me. i love hard. unconditionally. i still love the man who i rode the elevator with this morning. i still love the men who’ve left me broken. i still wish i could go back to that moment we fell for one another just to make time more still. i still compromise. even when i know what i truly want, just to make everyone else comfortable. it’s been a minute since i’ve been comfortable. for anyone who wonders what exactly i “do”? i do “me.” i know shit sounds mad corny but, for real. i make use of everything inside of me. i treat my stories like they’re symphonies.
and i been singing one hell of a song.
i write. i write my shit so truthful, you’d be surprised of what’s left of me. some days nothing. some days everything. some days i wake up and all the hurt is still here. this morning i wasn’t hurting. my happiness came through for me. promised to stick around longer. promised to come through for me. so happiness is what i’ve been leaning on these days. just going through life and watching how this all plays out. this “forever after” shit. this “happily” anything. cause that sounds like what’s better for me. I’m just a godlike woman—
trying to help people understand me better.
for you
You’re worthy. Of any and every kind of love.
You were made so delicately and beautifully.
Stop diluting yourself to fit the standards of anyone who is unable to see how fucking perfect you are.
It’s not you, it’s them.
Don’t ever give anybody the power to define you,
alter who you are, or destroy you.
Your opinion about yourself is the only one that matters.
So fall in love.
As hard and as deep as possible—
with the only person who it makes sense to. YOU.
Q: What’s the key to letting go?
A: Loving yourself.
Q: What’s the key to loving yourself?
A: Spending more time with yourself, learning yourself, accepting
yourself and how beautifully flawed you are.
Q: What keeps you confident?
A: Knowing I could NEVER be anyone else. I’m stuck with all of me. Why not embrace who I am?
Q: What can you tell someone who has major self-esteem/
self-confidence issues?
A: You know how long and hard God worked on you?
jeffrey
my mother has a new boyfriend. his name is Jeffrey.
i don’t see her very often anymore..
so i can only really hope that she’s happy.
i can only really hope that she’s healthy.
i watched as she gave up on our family,
but i missed her leaving.
i waited by the phone for two weeks and never received anything.
not an “i’m so sorry this is happening” or an “i won’t be returning.”
not a sincere farewell..
and unfortunately, not a eulogy written within mourning.
i waited by the door for at least a knock. or a letter.
i waited to hear that she was at least “doing much better.”
the truth is.. she found her feathers.
somewhere underneath the ash or amongst her new lover.
my mother tore down each wall of this house
the moment someone else made her feel the breeze.
the moment someone else made her feel at ease.
i watched as my father fell down on his knees,
praying that God brings him through.
for the first time my father’s heart was broken.
there were cracks in his smile and silence in his speech.
my father was always my mother’s water.
he refused to allow someone else to help her bloom.
he refused that someone else be the reason she breathe.
but there was no use in trying to make her stay.
she already took his power away.
someone already took his place.
he was only left to wonder when her heart went astray.
he was only left to wonder why her new lover
had to have the same name.
the little i've learned
Nothing ever really is all that bad.
You cannot make anyone love you—
especially when you do not love yourself.
No one will ever hurt you
worse than you hurt you.
We are our biggest enemies—
so we keep toxic people around
to devalue us consistently.
We pick up bad habits and give all our energy
to people who are unworthy.
We hurt ourselves the most.
We keep every door open welcoming the past
in hopes of closure from what has
already ripped us apart—
Our hearts are open wounds.
The more love we give
The more afraid we get—
but there will be more hurt in the future.
Our fears cannot protect us.
Our tears can connect us
from one broken spirit to another.
The universe can help us heal each other
but we cannot free one another’s insecurities.
We break our own self down
and out of habit look to be saved somewhere else—
No one can save you from you.
love note:
lately, i’ve been extremely self-reflective. i’ve been extremely self conscious. i’ve been trying my best to not oversaturate myself with other people’s traits or personalities and really just stick to me. really stick by myself so i can stay “me” as much as possible. i don’t wanna reflect any of anyone who isn’t me. i’m in a place where i want to constantly learn “me.” i want to stop focusing so much of my time and attention on getting to know other people and i want to get to know myself better. i wanna learn the deeper things. like why i’m always afraid people will leave. or why it’s so hard for me to open up to the people surrounding me but i’m capable of spilling my soul into thousands of beings who don’t even know me. or why i always downplay myself by “sleeping” on me. i wanna understand why trust is something so foreign to me.. and why i always run when God hands me things.. like people. or when God hands me love. i wanna understand my love. i wanna understand my heart. i wanna know why i dismiss love when it’s near but crave it when it’s far. i wanna know why i’ve never liked to be touched. i wanna know what it feels like to be in more than lust. i wanna know what forever feels like. i wanna know why my mom and i are so distant. i wanna know why we’re so the same but so different.. i wanna know why she left. i wanna know if i still reflect my father’s ways.. and what it takes for me to stay on the harder days. i wanna know why i cry. all the time. i wanna know how to love me more. i wanna know—then love—who i am. so lately i’ve been writing this diary. for us both.
something to help us understand who we are better..
a diary to help you find you, faster.
a diary to show us how the same.. we truly are.
learnin
g me
I’m goofy. I’m overpassionate. I’m clingy. I’m crazy.
I’ll give you your freedom but in return I need reassurance.
Some days I’m insecure, other days I’m arrogant.
I speak my mind.. quite too often.
I bite my tongue.. quite too little.
I can make your world light up if you give me a chance..
I can make your heart soft and your head spin—
if we’re talking romance.
I sit in the corner at social gatherings because I don’t like to be bothered—
but the second I get you to myself,
I’ll talk for hours.
Most times I’m too much to handle..
but never too much to love.
Took me some time to realize that.
future lover
my pancakes will probably never be half as good
as your grandmother’s.
or my Thanksgiving pies,
my laundry, and back rubs..
my mother was 16 when she had me
so i wasn’t raised to fill your bath with water.
i’m not the kind of woman you’re used to.
my foreplay will probably never be as lame
as your previous lovers.
or my conversation, my dreams, and sense of humor.
i’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel good.
i’ll fill your mind with fantasies and fulfill your every need—
i know what it’s like to love so hard i feel empty.
i know that i might leave stains on your nights,
once i leave—you may regret me.
i’ve gotten good at walking away.
i do not want the “where you beens?”
if you never cared for me to stay.
i do not want to hear “i love yous”
if you do not plan to show me.
i can smell fragments beneath
the sweetness of wordplay.
i do not want the “i miss yous”
if you allow our spirits to be distant.
